Should we scale it back a bit?

[WLTMEET]

Ok before I start, I want to say first off that is isn't a stealth boast, I'm not trying to upset anyone.

If he's anyhing like my Ex he'll just find something else to be snide about

^ this.

He sounds horribly like MY ExH, who managed to drain the fun and normality out of every moment of every day.

"Yeah it's all the moralising about it that gets my goat and the flowery sickly way he describes the richness of his life compared to the 'poverty of love' that I'm experiencing in my child free state."

So, the five children exist to provide him with love? Nice

Sounds like a controlling man who is trying to make both you and your dd feel bad about what is a normal lifestyle. How often does he see her?

Your ex sounds like a prince*, OP.

Your DD sounds v sensible, and is plenty old enough to be gently told not to mind what dad says, he's just feeling a bit defensive, it's not a competition, and it's ok to do different things with you to what she does with her dad.

Then carry on with your life exactly as you please. Your ex can do one.

*monstrous, bitter asshole

I wonder if his kids actually notice it at all, or if he is projecting his own insecurities and opinions onto them. I'm sure they go to school with other kids that have more material stuff or holidays than they do. I'm also sure they think nothing of it, because young kids don't tend to focus on that stuff.

What does your DD say about how her dad is? And does she ever mention the other kids getting jealous or chucking an "I want" tantrum at their parents?

FWIW I think you should just ignore him. Say something like, isn't DD lucky to experience two different types of households, and repeat, and repeat, and repeat.............

My ex seems to think that being able to afford certain things cannot go hand in hand with being a decent parent.

No, he doesn't really think that, he sounds like a jealous, bitter man. I don't believe scaling back would make any difference to the spiteful remarks. I think your dd will see through it, in time. In the meantime, could you tell him to scale back with the snide comments, especially to dd?

I'm assuming some of the sh1t is said to you also, at least that is adult to adult, and you can tell him to give it up. I would walk away, every time, thanking your lucky stars that you got rid!

(PS I loved your opening post )

I'm all for making your own choices and living life the way you choose to but I think you've got two issues going on here:

Overstepping boundaries and trying to dictate what goes on in your house

Passive aggressive bullying of your daughter by criticising her clothes etc.

I can only say what I'd do in this situation because we don't know you personally.

In terms of the first issue, I'm pretty sure my husband would be having a word with him to remind him that how he and HIS wife spend their money in THEIR house is none of his business. Also to remind him that he is not happy with how he his speaking to 'my WIFE'. Okay that does sound a bit caveman ish but sometimes with characters like this they back off when it's another bloke saying it. Obviously he shouldn't be aggressive just a quiet word might help. My grandad was exactly like this and it took another bloke to make him back off ( he was a masoganistic passive aggressive bully but basically a coward at heart). Would your DP be happy with doing this? I'm not advocating starting trouble just a reinstating of boundaries in a calm but firm way.

I would keep communication channels really open with your daughter so she can talk about how this is making her feel. You can then challenge any negative thinking and keep her self esteem up. I agree with PPs how said she will start to take no notice of her dad and may want to see him less which is sad. I don't think pointing this out to him as a potential result may work but maybe worth a try.

What is his wife like? Does she support his view?

This is all about his insecurities and not you choices. He is projecting on to you and making his daughter a scapegoat.

Sorry for late reply - up to my neck in work.

I do agree there is a place for saving money and spending - it's a balance I don't always achieve but I need to try to change that. I guess what annoys me is the fact that people like my ex think they have the right to comment on how other people spend their money. Why is it fair game to be snidey about how others spend? I've seen it a lot- not just my ex. For example, I recently discovered that a colleague of mine who is very bitchy about my 'constant holidays' as she puts it...and 'do you ever spend time at home?' etc, actually has a portfolio of property in our local area, including a house in France, all of which are rentals. For some reason she kept that quiet the whole time she's known me...and I somehow thought the nasty comments to me were because she was struggling for money. Nope...she is a wealthy woman and chooses to invest all of her money into property so as she can have a brilliant retirement fund. Fair play to her. What I can't stand though, is that she has somehow decided in her mind that her way of life is more worthy than mine. She is the first person to pass up a work night out because of the cost, she never eats out, never does anything nice, and she justifies it all because she's 'saving'. I do find that that there can be a smugness in savers which, they believe is a worthy and valid reason to be bloody tight. I've seen friends of mine in our earlier years saving for a wedding or a house and using this as a very valid reason in their minds to dodge paying their own way, and not only that- but expected others to carry them. Telling them it was their round at the bar was met with: 'We're paying for a wedding you know' tut tut...
It's like it somehow these 'worthy' causes exempt them from the usual social codes of decency!

WLTMEET I grew up without much money and still managed to come into contact with some quite smug attitudes from people who wanted to be lauded for going on a cheap camping holiday in France, and doing lots of outdoorsy free things like bike rides. Bikes cost more money than my family had, as did driving to France in a car my family couldn't afford with loads of camping equipment that also needs to be bought. They would then make comments about it being extravagant to go out to eat. My mum took us out for a meal sometimes because it was a treat she could afford, when she couldn't have afforded a holiday. We spent nice days in school holidays shopping for new clothes that were just regular things that we needed and we had a great time. It wasn't materialistic, it was just making a special day out of needing new shoes, and that's about attitude, not money. A certain kind of middle class puritanism isn't more moral than anything else and the people who think it is will always try to make everyone feel bad - not just people who are more well off than they are!

A lot of my friends went off on expensive holidays or did hobbies we couldn't afford, but it didn't mean we couldn't be friends. Friends don't boast or make you feel bad about not having as much money as them, so I doubt your daughter's siblings would even notice without their parents pointing it out. I still wanted to hear about their holidays because I liked talking to my friends. I have a half sister who grew up with a lot more money than I did and she has grown into a lovely person. We've had very different upbringings but it doesn't seem to have affected how we've turned out. She's not a boaster and I don't blame her for having had more money spent on her. That wasn't her decision, and who wouldn't want to go on a fun holiday if they could? She grew up essentially as an only child and I wouldn't have swapped with her, but not living with any siblings hasn't done her any harm either.

Doesn't sound like there's any problem with your daughter. But if her dad wants to make fun of her clothes then he has a big problem. Why would anyone do this to a child? Girls have enough pressures about what they look like without their parents adding to it and he should stop before she takes any of his issues on board.

Yeah that's the thing, it's almost a form of Puritanism- like free fun is the preserve of the middle class. My parents didn't have a bean growing up...I honestly don't remember ever eating out and we roamed the streets for hours having fun. It was all free. My parents just didn't boast about it like it was a 'choice' they had made...it was the reality of our lives and there was no choice involved!

I have little to do with my ex's wife but I think she is pretty much of the same opinion as him. DD isn't aware as of yet that his comments are specifically about our lifestyle. All she hears are the comments about how I never take her anywhere meaningful and that I don't do anything with her that requires a physical effort on my part.

All she hears are the comments about how I never take her anywhere meaningful and that I don't do anything with her that requires a physical effort on my part - and what does she think or say about that? That's not a very nice thing to hear said about her mum.

In not much time at all, she will be older and making her own decisions about the lifestyles she feels more comfortable with, and the people she wants to spend her time with. If he continues to put pressure on her, then I suspect that she will not want to spend so much time with him, just so that she can avoid the negativity.

Totally regardless of any disparity in your household incomes, you have chosen to have only one child and and your ex has chosen to have six. Even if you both had exactly the same amount of money coming in there would still be this inevitable imbalance in lifestyles and disposable income.

That is entirely down to the choices your ex and his wife have made, and you should not have to adapt the way you live to make him feel better about that.

What are you on about Aermingers?!

Right...so one of those arsehole comments made by someone who doesn't stick around to explain themselves.
Predictable

That particular poster is known to be a wind up merchant that loves to take the opposing view. Ignore her.

I am, like your DH, fortunate to have a very well paid job. I come from a working class background and my parents and siblings are not particularly well off (although no-one is struggling). My mother used to comment negatively both on the fact that I WOH (she was a traditional SAHM) and on our lifestyle (holidays etc), although to be fair on her never directly to the DC. In reality, the proportion of my income that I spend on my DC is far less than my siblings spend on their DC or my parents spent on us.

I got a bit fit up with the sniping and said to my DM that I did not want her to raise the issue again until she had specific examples of DC acting spoilt or there being some evidence of them having problems because I WOH. My DM is a reasonable enough person (if set in her ways) and went along with this (no doubt in part because she was sure she would have lots of examples very quickly!). She admitted a year later that actually she agreed there was no issue.

If your ex is reasonable (although I suspect he is not) I would be minded to say to him that you are happy to hear directly whatever complaints he has if they are based on specific behaviour, but he should not raise it with her (just like you do not try to point score by suggesting he would have more to spend on her, and more time for her, if he had chosen to have fewer children).

Thanks Augusta. I must admit I hadn't thought of approaching it from that point of view- mainly because he's rather stuck in his own viewpoint and is quite firm about it. I could try though. I see so much of what you've said about money being equated with being spoiled or whatever. I get that a lot, family members putting my dd's occasional bad- but typical of a 9yo behaviour down to being spoiled or over indulged. She isn't given the same 'breaks' as other kids in our wider family are and I also see it in a few neighbours/acquaintances. It's shitty to be honest, and I feel another badly veiled attempt to have a swipe at someone because they're doing ok financially.