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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should we scale it back a bit?

93 replies

WLTMEET · 10/06/2015 19:07

Ok before I start, I want to say first off that is isn't a stealth boast, I'm not trying to upset anyone.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 10/06/2015 19:45

YANBU.

It's your right to spend yours and your DP's money however you want, just as it was his right to have five more children on an average salary..... Wink

Fair enough that they don't want DD going on about it in front of the littlies though IMO.

Original poster
WLTMEET · 10/06/2015 19:46

Thanks everyone. I never allow my dd to make comparisons. If she asks her dad 'what they're doing at the weekend' I would chide her if she suggested cinema trips etc to him because those are treats and not be expected or demanded. She is constantly reminded that she goes to see her other family and not to be entertained.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 10/06/2015 19:48

Has he not got the sense to realise that having five children costs five times as much??!! Everything's more expensive with five - size of house, size of car, childcare, entrance fees, food, holidays - everything! Did he not do Maths at school?

Original poster
WLTMEET · 10/06/2015 19:48

Yeah, I guess dd does talk to the other kids but I think it's hard for her too. She's only 9 and I don't think and fully gets it.

OP posts:
bedraggledmumoftwo · 10/06/2015 19:48

He is obviously jealous, but that was his choice to have lots of children. We are going on holiday tomorrow and I fully intend to use the kids club so dh and I can actually relax. Not all day every day, but everyone needs a break and they will benefit if we get to unwind.
Don't worry about it, he chose a different path, buying luxuries doesn't make you a bad mother!

crustsaway · 10/06/2015 19:48

It's none of his business, he chose to have 5 children and you have one. Tell him where to go.

NinkyNonkers · 10/06/2015 19:49

Finances aren't everything, while his children may be of an age to question I am sure they are no less loved etc...so all he is doing is showing himself to be a bit of a plonker. All of the things he does have value, and many would choose them over your lifestyle, yet by acting like this he is making them out to be less worthwhile because they cost less. His bitterness will be tainting it! So keep on keeping on, how you live your life is nowt to do with him so long as you take care of his daughter, which you clearly are.

auntyentropy · 10/06/2015 19:50

Tell her it's a shame that he's feeling so guilty about not having enough time to give individual attention to all six of his DC that he's projecting his insecurities onto you Grin.

Obviously don't do that. Sadly I agree that no matter what you do he's still going to be an arse about it, so you might as well continue doing what makes you happy and you think is right for you.

Original poster
WLTMEET · 10/06/2015 19:50

Unfortunately, having more children appears to have (in his mind) given him some kind of moral superiority in that it was a much more virtuous and meaningful path in life to take... As opposed to my wasteful and vacuous one.

OP posts:
fairyfuckwings · 10/06/2015 19:54

I don't think he does feel superior actually - I think he feels deeply inferior hence all the barbed comments!

SaucyJack · 10/06/2015 19:57

Well he's certainly doing something "productive" with his time if they've managed five kids in what- 7? 8? years.....

mrschatty · 10/06/2015 19:58

YaNbu at all op
You and your partner have worked hard and have made a choice (or maybe not a choice but that's another thread!) To have one child
He has had a few children- which is fine- but he needs to see this means a change in lifestyle.
He goes on about family values...eh how is constantly criticising your child's mother positive? Also asking her to make comparisons between her life with mum and life with dad.
In the end your poor dd will feel uncomfortable discussing her life with her dad and step fan which is such a shame.
Keep doing what your doing OP if you can afford to provide your daughter with a certain lifestyle why not its not hurting anyone

BitchPeas · 10/06/2015 19:59

Everytime he says anything just laugh. Don't get drawn into it or justify yourself, just laugh and change the subject. Your DD will see what a jealous twat he is in her own time.

What a whiney little scrotum.

whois · 10/06/2015 20:04

Oh my god I can't believe he thinks you should scale down so HIS kids which are NOTHING to do wth you don't feel bad.

What a looser. There's a reason he's an ex.

Explain to DD families are different, her Dad went on to have a lot more chikdren so it's a lot more expensive for them to do things like holidays abroad. Remind her she is lucky and shouldn't boast about her experiences, but also say they are nothing to be ashamed about and he should never try to make her feel bad and she should be happy to talk about them. Say it's his insecurities and jealousy and don't ever let him do her down.

And you can msg him "hi ex, 100% not my problem you fucked like a bunny and ended up with 5 more kids. Obviously having 6 kids is going to mean you do less with them than just having 1, like I have. Stop making DD feel bad, she doesnt need your insecurities pushed onto her. Grow up and act like her dad, not a jealous twat"

lavenderhoney · 10/06/2015 20:04

God no, carry on as you are. He sounds as though he is a bit envious of your lifestyle to me, although I assume you have your ups and downs, same as everyone.

And some children like kids clubs. They get to try new things, make new friends- and spend time with their families. It's not dc being dumped in a sub standard childcare whilst you swan off necking cocktails round the pool:) don't engage with him about it, if you can help it- if your dd likes them and you can afford it, why not?

flora717 · 10/06/2015 20:10

He's being an arse, making a point and acting defensively. A shame he can't just be positive about how your DD has enjoyed things. I get very similar comments from my ex (and he has no further DC's). It's just to pick away and criticise parenting at every turn. Not really a grown up approach is it?!

Thisismyfirsttime · 10/06/2015 20:17

If he was just saying all these things to you I'd just tell him to fuck off but I'd be very annoyed that he's saying it to her too and telling her not to mention things and being snidey about her home life when she's there. It must be very draining and confusing for poor dd to have to constantly watch what she says and have to hear all this from him!

Signlake · 10/06/2015 20:17

No, don't. I actually feel sorry for your daughter. How awful she must feel when her dad is telling her that her clothes/shoes look stupid.

Like you say, she's a kind and caring girl. Don't cut back on treats just because your ex is upset he can't afford these things. Continue what you're doing and I hope your DD enjoys her holiday!

ahbollocks · 10/06/2015 20:19

Jeez I would say 6 kids in a massive extravagance.
He sounds jealous

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/06/2015 20:22

I would fucking well rip him a new one Angry! How DARE he put all his shit onto your daughter's shoulders! .She's nine - NINE Angry!

And breathe.

Seriously. I would pull him up on this big time. He is placing your daughter - HIS daughter - in an invidious position, where she's going to end up walking on eggshells wondering what she's allowed to talk about and what she's got to keep a secret. This is absolutely not fair to such a small child, and he has to put on his big boy pants and behave like the fucking adult his birth certificate claims he is.

He doesn't get to push his jealousy onto her and turn it into guilt. He just doesn't.

minkGrundy · 10/06/2015 20:24

I think your dd is doibly lucky. She gets to do both the paid for activities and free stuff..sounds very balanced to me.
Neither one is better than the other.
And I am sure she gets to see both sides of being an only at home and part of a nig family at her dads.
Best of both worlds.
Hopefully she will see it that way even if he cannot.

minkGrundy · 10/06/2015 20:24

^Big family

guinnessgirl · 10/06/2015 20:27

your DD's father is being a massive tool. You've made your choices, he has made his. So long as DD is not rubbing her half-siblings' noses in it, you shouldn't feel the need to change a thing. Your ex needs to grow up, though.

Toffeelatteplease · 10/06/2015 20:37

Just explain different people have different values in life not everyone agrees.

I wouldn't call him a tool or disparage your exs Choices. Just explain why you do what you do in the way you do it. Ask your dd about how she feels

Help her to make her own decisions about the behaviour

m0therofdragons · 10/06/2015 20:40

He is your ex. He can't control how you live your life. Enjoy and don't feel guilty.