Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New guy still has feelings for his ex

71 replies

Tulip1011 · 09/06/2015 04:31

Hello - any thoughts on this anyone? I've been single 7 months, met a guy online a few months after I first became single, and we have had a few dates over the last 6 months. There were a few months where things were off because he had dinner with his ex and realised he still had feelings for her and got confused. I saw him again at the weekend and we had a lovely day but he told me he really likes me but still confused about his ex. She apparently has a borderline personality disorder and is very possessive, violent and manipulative and he knows it won't work out but can't help his feelings for her. It's been on-off for years apparently. She has keys to his house and comes round and cries and he forgives her. He has said to me when I said he needs to choose - just relax, take it day by day. I don't know what to do? I feel like a bit of a muppet seeing him if he still thinks of her. But perhaps I am rushing into things? I haven't been single long either. I feel like he is being very honest about his feelings and could have kept it from me. If I tell him to sort his life out and come back to me when done I'm worried he'll be in the spiral with her for years. He lives 3hr from me so tricky to see him - we both have to make a lot of effort. What would you do?

OP posts:
however · 09/06/2015 04:44

Run.

InanimateCarbonRod · 09/06/2015 04:48

Run like the wind ...

whitecandles · 09/06/2015 04:55

I say this as someone with BPD. Run. Relationships where BPD is a factor are not easy and if you have no stake in the relationship, there's really no point in making your life harder than it is.

Original poster
Tulip1011 · 09/06/2015 05:05

Argh. The problem is I have started to really like him :-(

OP posts:
Sconejamcream · 09/06/2015 05:31

If he treats you this crap at this early stage of relationship, then it's downhill. Walk away now as he ain't all that! What a tosser he is!

keeptothewhiteline · 09/06/2015 05:49

Whatsconejamcream said.

Run. Three months before a wedding a man should be worshipping at your feet an not have his head turned by another woman.
He won't change his spots. If he is like this now, think what things will be like in 6 years time,when you have the stresses of a couple of kids added to the mix.

I think you are better to have this happen now. Get out while you can.

gofuckyourself · 09/06/2015 06:13

Bloody hell I can't believe you actually need to ask...
Run! Don't look back. There is someone who is perfect for you out there. Don't waste your time on this guy. He's not worth it.

sooperdooper · 09/06/2015 06:17

Don't waste any more time on him, he's been honest and it won't get better, move in and forget about him

sooperdooper · 09/06/2015 06:18

Move ON, not in!!

SaucyJack · 09/06/2015 07:08

Do your best Usain Bolt impersonation pronto.

He's still in love with his ex. Do you want to be the mug that hangs around waiting for him for a year for him to decide then that he does want to get back with her after all?

No. You do not.

We all have baggage. It's hard enough to deal with when one doesn't still want to be doing the squelchy with one's ex.

silverglitterpisser · 09/06/2015 07:16

Run for the hills, yabvvvvvu to do anything else.

Oh go on, I'll use the Mumsnet classic - he is telling u who he is,listen!!

AvocadoLime · 09/06/2015 07:24

It was a while ago now but my first serious relationship was like this. I used to make excuses about it to myself and felt I was in love with him, but I look back now and feel embarrassed, I should have had the self esteem to just say "err, okay, bye then!".

If you are going back into dating, decide what YOU want, set some standards and stick to them. Don't compromise on the basics like treating you respectfully and not being emotionally involved with someone else!

OhEmGeee · 09/06/2015 07:24

I agree run.

Firstly he has feelings for his ex,why would you want to be with him? And it sounds if she'll always be in his life. Always there, in the background and he will go running everytime. You do not want to be involved in this. Run for the hills.

AlternativeTentacles · 09/06/2015 07:27

He said 'just relax'? Nice.

I'd echo the above and get yourself a man that is available.

Imustgodowntotheseaagain · 09/06/2015 07:27

Run. And then ask yourself why you even entertain the thought that his behaviour is OK. Are you used to being second-best in your family relationships? Do you feel you don't somehow deserve a man who puts you first in his affections?

Toounhappynow · 09/06/2015 07:29

Leave. And then (I mean this kindly), look at why you think it might be ok to be his second choice.

The ex will always be there, this dynamic will not chance, it fits his dynamic.

Sammasati · 09/06/2015 07:34

You have known him for 6 months and he took a few months out? after a month of being you single?

You live 3 hours apart and he is locked into a long term dysfunctional relationship with another?

Pick up your self esteem and that relationship bar off the floor and block his sorry arse.

Don't settle for anything less than what it is you want in a relationship.

SaucyJack · 09/06/2015 07:35

Also, what you call being honest about his feelings- I call a man who actively gets off on feeling tormented by love and dysfunctional relationships with the women in his life.

You've come along and offered him the choice of a "normal" relationship with a (presumably?) sane woman. He isn't grabbing that with both hands. His predilection for drama and being a co-dependent is your problem. Her issues are irrelevant.

MammaTJ · 09/06/2015 07:38

I can't believe you even need to ask!

He is not putonghua you first now, there is no hope further down the line!

contractor6 · 09/06/2015 07:40

Dump him, find someone local. Situation sounds messy tbh and who needs that stress?

OhEmGeee · 09/06/2015 07:41

It should not be this complicated this early on.

MammaTJ · 09/06/2015 07:41

How did putting get changed to putonghua?

HappenstanceMarmite · 09/06/2015 07:50

How did putting get changed to putonghua?

Ha! Best autocorrect I've seen for a long time!

OP - no doubt. Run. You've "started to like him". Imagine how much harder it will be to detach a year down the line when you are madly in love with him?

guinnessgirl · 09/06/2015 07:53

RUN AWAY. Seriously. Get rid, now!

ImNotMeImSomeoneElse · 09/06/2015 08:14

I'm in a similar situation - but I'm the other person with feelings for my ex.

I thought I was over him. Then I met someone that if been chatting to online, and it brought home to me how much I still missed my ex. (No personality issues, and I'm no longer in touch with him).

So I was honest with the date. We got on really well, and I said (honestly) that I could see us being friends, but the way I still felt about my ex means it won't be anything more.

So we still chat. But recently he has started saying things like 'I think you are wonderful' and 'I'm better than him, pick me! We'd have so much fun together'.

And to be honest with you, the fact that he is saying these things and would be happy for me to see him knowing that I want to be with someone else makes me think less of him. Horrible thing to admit, but it's true. It snacks of desperation and a willingness to make do with somebody, rather than hold out for the right person.

Why am I trekking you this? Because I think maybe seeing it from the other side might help you see that what you really need to do is move on, and find someone that wants you above anyone else. Otherwise you run the risk of being with someone that feels like they can do what they want and you'll still be there. Do you really want to be someone that would prefer to be with someone else?

I wouldn't.