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Original poster

New guy still has feelings for his ex

71 replies

Tulip1011 · 09/06/2015 04:31

Hello - any thoughts on this anyone? I've been single 7 months, met a guy online a few months after I first became single, and we have had a few dates over the last 6 months. There were a few months where things were off because he had dinner with his ex and realised he still had feelings for her and got confused. I saw him again at the weekend and we had a lovely day but he told me he really likes me but still confused about his ex. She apparently has a borderline personality disorder and is very possessive, violent and manipulative and he knows it won't work out but can't help his feelings for her. It's been on-off for years apparently. She has keys to his house and comes round and cries and he forgives her. He has said to me when I said he needs to choose - just relax, take it day by day. I don't know what to do? I feel like a bit of a muppet seeing him if he still thinks of her. But perhaps I am rushing into things? I haven't been single long either. I feel like he is being very honest about his feelings and could have kept it from me. If I tell him to sort his life out and come back to me when done I'm worried he'll be in the spiral with her for years. He lives 3hr from me so tricky to see him - we both have to make a lot of effort. What would you do?

OP posts:
ImNotMeImSomeoneElse · 09/06/2015 08:17

Excuse the typos. Hopefully you get the gist.

Aermingers · 09/06/2015 08:17

Unfortunately this is one of those occasions where 'He's just not that into you'.

His ex is a nightmare with big problems and if he was really into you he could walk away.

There is an awful lot of controversy about BPD. Some dispute it's very existence. It is quite often misdiagnosed, especially with abuse victims. It's often simply a very convenient way of labelling and writing off people who've had a bad time. Often people who have been diagnosed really improve when they form functional adult relationships.

It doesn't sound like this woman is anywhere near that, it sounds like you are being dragged into a chaotic relationship for the sake of a bloke who really isn't in to you at all. Run.

BlinkAndMiss · 09/06/2015 08:50

If you pursue this there will always be 3 of you in the relationship, you will effectively be giving him permission to be with her and you at the same time - whatever the nature of their relationship.

She dependent on him, he's enabling her even if this is with the best of intentions, there really isn't room for anyone else in this situation and it would be very unfair on you if you were to settle for this situation. It's hard to switch off your feelings but in this case you really have to.

morelikeguidelines · 09/06/2015 09:07

Run!!!

BabyMurloc · 09/06/2015 09:13

Go now. There are huge factors against this relationship; distance, the fact he already went out with an ex whilst with you (if I'm reading that right), his confusion, the ex still having keys...

Just go. Even if you like him it will be much easier NOW to move onwards and upwards than in a few months when you are in love with him and he's still messing about. I would detach and tell him to call you when he's got his head together. I don't think a relationship in these circs is beneficial for either of you tbh. He needs to sort out his ex and his feelings and you need someone free and available you won't mess you about.

The first guy is not the only guy. Keep looking and DON'T SETTLE.

SylvaniansAtEase · 09/06/2015 09:14

Delete and block...

For all the above reasons, but most of all, MOST OF ALL, because he had the cheek to tell you to 'relax' about the fact that he's quite openly stringing you along. WTF?!

Cheeky, entitled little git.

That honestly tells you all you want to know. No, he's not 'being honest' - he's just enough of an arrogant shit to actually think that it's basically ok to ask you to put up with the situation, that somewhere in his head the story goes 'Me = important, my stuff = important; her = not so important, how she feels = not so important, what she should do = accept what I want to do'.

Get the fuck away from someone like this. Not only is he showing you that he has no respect for you, but it's a clear sign that this won't get resolved at all.

Tell him to find another mug.

aintitashame · 09/06/2015 09:18

Surely the moment he told you that, was the dumping?

Assuming you have self respect. You have nothing tying you down to this man who is not available, so fly before you do.

Chunkymonkey79 · 09/06/2015 09:20

Tun

Chunkymonkey79 · 09/06/2015 09:20

Run even!!

OpalQuartz · 09/06/2015 09:29

No this us not acceptable. You told him to choose between you and he replied "Relax, take it day by day." WTF! What a patronising bastard. He's basically told you he wants to have two girlfriends at once. You've got more self respect than to accept that haven't you?? Run! Even if he tells you he will finish with the other girl don't believe him and still run.

Original poster
Tulip1011 · 09/06/2015 09:40

Ok so - say I say to him, this isn't for me, would there be any situations in which it sorts out? Eg if he runs after saying he's been an idiot? One issue I didn't mention was I earn more than him, I think he feels like I won't stick around. He's a musician and a little whacky...it's what I like about him but...

OP posts:
BettyCatKitten · 09/06/2015 09:44

Like pp have said, run!
He sounds very flakey, and as for the on/off BPD gf, watch Fatal AttractionShock

SylvaniansAtEase · 09/06/2015 09:51

Ok so - say I say to him, this isn't for me, would there be any situations in which it sorts out? Eg if he runs after saying he's been an idiot? One issue I didn't mention was I earn more than him, I think he feels like I won't stick around. He's a musician and a little whacky...it's what I like about him but...

Oh dear...

  • No, it wouldn't 'sort it out'. Because his reply has already told you that he is an arrogant twat, so even if he compromised a bit to hook you back in, he'd still be an arrogant twat, and you would see the results of that later. Probably, for instance, when you found out that he'd simply gone behind your back and had been carrying on as normal for a couple of years with you while 'supporting' shagging her in secret...
  • He isn't 'wacky'. He's a knob end. He really is. So different, so cool, so interesting... That kind of shit is for teenagers, OP. Don't go there. You'll make as much a fool of yourself as he looks on a daily basis.

Bin the waster. Before you waste precious years.

trevortrevorslatterfry · 09/06/2015 09:52

RUN

HellKitty · 09/06/2015 09:58

Like Imnotme I've been in his situation too. I did OLD to get over someone, dated a couple of guys, chatted to a few others but my ex still had a key to mine and would text every other day. We got back together and I deleted my account and blocked numbers, one was devastated (seriously) and another got angry and demanded I gave him a chance instead. I occasionally think of them but only in a, 'shit, I was such a cow', type way, never in a, 'wonder what could have been', way.

My DP now literally didn't fart for two months as he was so wanting to impress me. That's what it should be like, the excitement, the wanting to see you and be perfect. He farts like a trombone ensemble jumping on a leaky bouncy castle stuffed with whoopee cushions now. All the fucking time!

Seriously, LTB. You won't win this.

SaucyJack · 09/06/2015 10:01

Oh I bet my non-existent life savings he'll run after you. He might even write you a poem, and sing it to you on his geetar. And then he'll cry. And you'll cry. And then you'll have deep 'n' meaningful sex. And then he'll talk earnestly at you about how he doesn't think he's good enough for you. And then you'll nauseate yourself reassuring him that he is. And then you'll sit on the beach drinking cider and watching the sun go down.

And then the next time his ex clicks his fingers he'll go running cos he's a sensitive soul (read; he's addicted to the dramz) and he can't bear to see her cry. And then he'll cry cos he doesn't know what to do. And then you'll cry. Again.

And rinse, and repeat. x 100.

If watching your BF moping around after his ex sounds like your idea of a good time, then go for it. But if you want a genuine, committed relationship with someone who has the emotional age of a grown-up then follow everyone's advice and run for the hills.

Good luck either way Smile

ThisTimeIAmMagic · 09/06/2015 10:05

Oh he just keeps getting better and better. Why would you do this to yourself? Just why?

Move on and find someone who isn't shagging you and his ex on alternate nights better!

musicalendorphins2 · 09/06/2015 10:08

You deserve to be first choice, I would write him off. You could say you are looking for a stable, smooth relationship. No hard feelings.

Then continue to get out and meet people, get busy having fun, and forget about him.

SorchaN · 09/06/2015 10:10

It won't sort out because he doesn't respect you. That's a basic problem with his attitude which has no real solution. Lack of respect should be a deal breaker.

Incidentally, I know someone who has been in a relationship for four years with a partner who still has feelings for his manipulative ex, who does the same kinds of things your describe. It's her choice I suppose, but nothing has changed in all that time, and probably won't change in the next four (or fourteen) years. How long would you be willing to put up with this situation?

Justmuddlingalong · 09/06/2015 10:11

Don't walk away in the hope he chases you. Walk away because he's moping about after someone else. Whilst you are wasting time doing the 'pick me' dance, you are not out enjoying yourself, meeting people who may want to spend time with you. You say you've started to really like him. He really likes someone else. Set the bar higher because you'll only ever get what you accept. Good luck.

19lottie82 · 09/06/2015 10:12

Another one for the "RUN", advice.

I have a horrid feeling you know this yourself, but will ignore what we're all telling you. Not that I'm judging as most people lack the sense to listen to their head instead of their heart in these situations. (Myself included).

I hope you prove me wrong! Good luck!

HellKitty · 09/06/2015 10:17

I'd also wonder why you're happy with a 'few' dates over the course of 6 months with someone who lives 300 miles away. Are you ready for a relationship?

vertigogogadgetno · 09/06/2015 10:17

Run.

Tun, too - if there's time. Get the running out of the way first, though.

TheFlis12345 · 09/06/2015 10:17

If he actually wanted to move on, he would have taken the keys to his place off her.

Run!

vertigogogadgetno · 09/06/2015 10:18

Also, you will never know hell like what this becomes if he (intentionally or "otherwise") gets you pregnant.

Get the fuck out of Dodge ASAP.