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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

New guy still has feelings for his ex

71 replies

Tulip1011 · 09/06/2015 04:31

Hello - any thoughts on this anyone? I've been single 7 months, met a guy online a few months after I first became single, and we have had a few dates over the last 6 months. There were a few months where things were off because he had dinner with his ex and realised he still had feelings for her and got confused. I saw him again at the weekend and we had a lovely day but he told me he really likes me but still confused about his ex. She apparently has a borderline personality disorder and is very possessive, violent and manipulative and he knows it won't work out but can't help his feelings for her. It's been on-off for years apparently. She has keys to his house and comes round and cries and he forgives her. He has said to me when I said he needs to choose - just relax, take it day by day. I don't know what to do? I feel like a bit of a muppet seeing him if he still thinks of her. But perhaps I am rushing into things? I haven't been single long either. I feel like he is being very honest about his feelings and could have kept it from me. If I tell him to sort his life out and come back to me when done I'm worried he'll be in the spiral with her for years. He lives 3hr from me so tricky to see him - we both have to make a lot of effort. What would you do?

OP posts:

Postchildrenpregranny · 09/06/2015 10:22

Advised DD1ayear ago (two years into a relationship) to end it .Different issues .I have not said a word since .They have just split by mutual consent .It would have been hard then,it's much harder now when they have invested another year in the relationship .She is devastated.
Don't invest time energy feelings in this one

MamanOfThree · 09/06/2015 10:37

I have been in that situation before. Met a guy that I really really liked. He was talking about his ex on a regular basis, met with her, always saying how fantastic she was.
I thought it was nice for me to accept it, after all there is no reason why he wouldn't be friend with his ex blabla.
One year on, he was still completely focused on her, how great she was and clearly comparing me to her.
I also clearly wasn't as good so he decided to split. No argument, no discussion, just a 'It's not working. Bye'

What I learnt is that someone isn't over the ex, there is no way they are ready for another relationship. He might fake it for a while then you'll get even more hurt because you will have developed real feeling for him but you will never measure up to the ex or he won't be able to 'love you' etc...).

This guy has told you how he is. Thaat he is still in love with his ex. That she is still the most important person for him, even thoough he knows the relationship is 'wrong'. He is not ready for a relationship. You'll just get hurt.

OhEmGeee · 09/06/2015 10:59

Even if he did choose you (which isn't going to happen), why would you want to be with someone who has feelings for someone else? You should be the no.1 choice.!And as soon as she clicks his fingers he will go running regardless of if he's with you or not. Why do you think this is ok? It really isn't. Find someone who wants to be with you, this man doesn't. Do not do the pick me dance.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 09/06/2015 16:17

"...And then he'll cry cos he doesn't know what to do. And then you'll cry. Again."

This is oh so familiar Saucy because, alas, I met a "I don't know what to do" man who still had feelings for his ex. Tulip, I thought I'd be the cool GF, support him (after all he was being "honest" with his feelings and I just had to give him time, right?), but all the while I grew more and more emotional and messed up being part of that mind-fuck. And you know what happened in the end? He dumped me. So not only had I supported him and done the "pick me dance" but my reward was nothing. The only consolation was he didn't go back to her, but he did move away. Ultimately he just wasn't into me enough.

3 hours away. Already dumped you for her once. I agree with the others...get rid before you get more into him. Sorry.

Lavenderice · 09/06/2015 16:20

Gather your skirts and run for the hills!

The5DayChicken · 09/06/2015 16:20

OP, this man has told you that he prefers his ex to you and that he'd like you to remain available to him regardless because he knows the issues with his ex are likely to be unsolvable.

He may not have said the word 'prefers' but the fact that he's telling you he still feels things towards her says everything you need to know.

Pick your self esteem up off the floor before pursuing another relationship. I got into a cycle of starting relationships too soon after a break up...each was worse than the last. But a year ago, I came to my senses. I stayed single. I'm really happy with my life and have had the time I needed to work out who I am again. And there's no chance I'll now settle for less than I deserve.

This man is far less than you deserve.

Sianilaa · 09/06/2015 16:22

Ditch!!

Honestly he is enjoying keeping you dangling. He is having his cake and eating it.

You deserve someone who definitely wants you, not someone who isn't quite sure...

Run like the wind!!

MistressDeeCee · 10/06/2015 01:02

Is this a real post?!

Some guy you've just met gives you the "crazy ex" story then dangles you with "go with the flow" nonsense - and you are actually wondering what you should do?!

What happened to standards, boundaries and knowing your worth?

There are some good websites you can refer to. Try baggage reclaim because you really, really could do with raising your self-esteem.

Original poster

Tulip1011 · 10/06/2015 20:57

Ok thanks for the (slightly harsh at times but necessary) words of advice. Have ended things with him as I found out he slept with his ex in the little break that we had and that's sort of reduced my feelings for him. I basically said it was a shame he went back to her as things were going well with us. Then I said I hope it's not the same situation for you in a year or two, although I suspect it might be. His response "No, I must get shot completely. She has a disorder and a bit of me feels guilty for abandoning someone who is mentally ill because she is mentally ill, but she will destroy me, it will never be ok xx" I am hoping I will be strong enough to not reply and just leave the whole situation alone now. :-/

OP posts:

OpalQuartz · 10/06/2015 22:02

Oh dear. So he is sleeping with her because he feels sorry for her because she's mentally ill..and seeing you at the same time? How kind of him. What a load of baloney. Don't fall for his crap op. Stay strong and ignore him. You can do so much better!

OpalQuartz · 10/06/2015 22:05

I think SaucyJack had it with her 10.01 post yesterday.

oabiti · 10/06/2015 22:35

I am sorry to hear he slept with her, OP. But if he really cared about her well-being, why isn't he in a committed relationship with her. And supposing she has a personality disorder, how does sh*gging her help?

Does she know about you, op? I can bet she does. And when he feels like coming back to you after he's slep with her, are you sure he's not using the same line on her?

I know it's hard, I've been there. But all you are doing is enabling his behaviour. You have done the right thing calling things off x

oabiti · 10/06/2015 22:37

And what an ego boost for him. And a loss of self-esteem for you

FreudiansSlipper · 10/06/2015 22:41

I have heard similar stories quite a few times before

said by people who do not want to commit

see the thing is having been in a serious relationship with someone who has mh problems when our relationship ended this was not the reason I could not seriously get involved with someone else

the reason I was I simply did not want to

help14993 · 11/06/2015 06:08

Get out now before you end up on a long long long painful journey

oabiti · 11/06/2015 06:18

the5daychicken, great post!

ollieplimsoles · 11/06/2015 06:54

Oh this guy is really a piece of work..

Well done for breaking it off op, you don't need his weirdness dragging you down. Now, most importantly, raise the bar! You can do so much better!

LineRunner · 11/06/2015 06:57

I think there's something quite dangerous about a man who has sex with a woman he admits he knows to be very mentally ill, and then tells another woman in whom he is interested about it. Creepy as fuck might be the appropriate MN phrase.

OP, I'm glad you've dumped him. Please stay clear of him. Saucy had it right upthread; and he is not 'interesting', he is dysfunctional, damaging and arrogant.

Aermingers · 11/06/2015 10:35

She's probably not even mentally ill. I bet he's telling her you're mental too.

Pandora37 · 11/06/2015 11:13

I'm glad you've ended things. I've been in this situation from both sides (yes, I never learn from my mistakes clearly).

I was the rebound relationship for a guy who wasn't over his ex. It was all very complicated as she had a boyfriend that she refused to leave him for. He'd been the OM basically. I carried on our relationship because I was convinced she'd never leave him so I was safe. Except he talked about her all the time which made me feel like shit, then I found out he'd been meeting up with her behind my back. He dumped me again and then she dumped her boyfriend and they got together. My self esteem was at rock bottom after that and I should have stayed away from him as soon as he said that. We did try to stay friends once I'd got over him but it was very awkward and we drifted apart.

I've also been in a similar situation to your ex. My boyfriend and I split due to his mental health problems and he went out with another girl. Except we were still in contact with each other a huge amount and he eventually ended up cheating on her with me. I'm not proud of myself for that, especially as I've had the same thing done to me and I shouldn't really have been involved with him considering his problems. But we still loved each other so I can understand your ex's position. But it is his choice to be involved with someone like that. It's very hard to walk away from because you end up feeling responsible for them which is why I'm still stuck in my situation and it's nice that you worry about him but it's not your problem. The longer you stay in contact, the worse you'll end up feeling. He has to come to the realisation that he needs to get shot of her himself rather than because of another woman. It may take him a long time so I wouldn't hang around waiting. It's going to take me a long time to work out what's going to happen with my current ex which is why I'm not getting involved with anyone else, it's not fair on them. He did finish with his girlfriend because I told him I wasn't going to be his bit on the side. Most of the time they do end up going back to their ex.

I'd wish him the best and then delete his number and block him if you have to.

ShaynePunim · 11/06/2015 11:15

RUN

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