AIBU to be struggling with my newborn :(

[Meandyou150]

Hi all

Have a gorgeous 6 week old baby boy who I adore but I am finding things really tough.

I can only assume he has colic as everyday we have these huge crying/screaming spells which go on for hours and nothing soothes him, we've had him fully checked out and there's nothing wrong with him physically- so we've been told it's colic and will just go away in time.

Add to this the fact he refuses to sleep anywhere but on you - meaning we are seriously sleep deprived. Refuses to sleep in his Moses basket or anywhere else.

Also he refuses to be put down - screams when u lay him down to change his nappy- or put him down to make a cup of tea even. We've tried a sling but half the time he hates that as well and just wants to be carried about.

It's just so tough, I'm exhausted and feel I should be able to cope better.

Should I be managing better than I am?!

I thought that too tatty!

Tearfully looking at my DP thinking 'that's it, we will never be just a couple again! Why didn't we go to more places, see more things! I am doomed to be tethered to the armchair forever with my tits out, whilst he provides me sustenance and googles 'the witching hour!'

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. Like lots of others here, I could have written your post myself. My son is now 8 months and the relentless screaming days seem a long time ago but the memory of the panic, the frustration, the tiredness and the heartbreak of not being able to make it better for him still feel so fresh.

I vividly remember people promising it would get better at 12 weeks. It didn't. Then they said 4 months. Nope. Passing these dates with no relief was so depressing: please don't make a big thing of waiting for 12 weeks in case it's not the red letter day you're hoping for. I'm not saying that to dash your hopes: I just don't want you to suffer the same crushing disappointment that I did.

Like your little one, my son had silent reflux. I gave up dairy and soy in case they were making it worse. All that achieved was that my own diet became very deficient and I was very run down. He was on gaviscon, then ranitidine, then omeprazole. Our first day without agonising screaming was just after 19 weeks. I hope yours is a lot sooner.

At 8 months he's a smiley, sociable baby and I wouldn't have believed anyone who told me that at 6 weeks. My husband and I parented in shifts day and night. We held him to sleep. I thought I'd never sleep again. I thought I'd never shower or eat with 2 hands again. I honestly thought I'd never be happy again. It took time.

Hang in there. Please message me if you need some support. Where are you? I bet there's a mumsnetter nearby who would hold your wee one while you have a break. Mums of colicky babies are the only ones who know what it's like. I regretted having my son for months and I'm sad about that now but I still think it was a rational reaction to the torture. You're doing an amazing job.

It's worth getting him checked with a GP, but some babies are just hard work I'm afraid. One of mine was so so hard and everyone said to enjoy every minute, I was convinced I was doing everything wrong and I was a really crap mother (still not ruling that one out). When DD was 2 weeks old DH had to go away for work. I ended up calling my mum to help me because I could feel myself getting angry.

All I can say is it does get easier and he will mellow in time so you can enjoy him. In the meantime, when it gets to much, feed, change, put him somewhere safe, go to the other end of the house and have a cuppa scream until it's all out of your system

One day you'll realise that he hasn't had a screaming session for days and you're actually enjoying him. Then he'll turn two (kidding)

Oh bless you OP, it's so hard. I had a reflux baby and I sobbed all the time, shouted at him to just stop crying and drummed on the cot mattress next to him with my fists in utter desperation. I'm not proud of any of it but we are well and truly bonded and he's a very loving, secure and well-adjusted five year old now, so don't beat yourself up - you're doing great. Sometimes there just isn't a magic bullet.

I would go back to the doctor about the reflux meds though. Also highly recommend white noise as it was my lifesaver - Hoover, hairdryer or white noise app (though I put it on speakers as iPhone wouldn't go loud enough for it to be effective - IME it does need to be at a fair volume.

It really does pass, so hard to believe but it does. My DS was a Velcro baby and I was stuck to the sofa, me and DH had to take shifts to hold him. Now he's 14 weeks and he prefers his sleepyhead :( (I recommend getting one second hand if you can) instead of being held by me. And now I kind of miss those days a bit.

It's okay to leave him for a few minutes and go take some quiet time as others have said.

Another mum once said to me the reason babies first start to smile at 6 weeks ish is a evolutionary survival mechanism. By then you have had enough, you go to murder them and they smile and you forget and melt .
With DD1 ('difficult' colicky baby) I knew exactly what she meant ...and it does get easier - honestly.
(DD2 was a much easier baby - if I had only had ones like her I wouldn't have understood either).
You will do no lasting damage to them or your bond if you ignore them crying for a few minutes and leave them while you regain your sanity.

Those first few weeks are so so hard. Just take one day at a time. And remember to be kind to yourself. I'm sure you are doing a great job.

It does get easier, I promise.
Congratulations by the way!

Gosh yes, white noise! Ours had it all night every night for 18 months. The first time we used it was the first time she shut up. We used baby got colic on Spotify, stuck it on the iPad on repeat next to her Moses basket each night and it worked like a dream. Gosh I forgot all about that!

Seriously OP, by the time DD was 4 months old she was totally fine, and prior to that it was a gradual process of improvement from around 8 weeks onwards. She's still a sensitive child (she's 3 now) but that I can handle.

Google "fourth trimester" - that's what your baby is asking you for. All human babies are born prematurely. They need all of the same things that they needed when they were in the womb for (at least) the first three months post birth.

Oh OP YANBU! God, reading your post brought back in full the first few weeks of ds1's existence. It was like a bomb going off in our lives and one of the most difficult things I've ever been through. DH and I used to have to do 4 hour shifts through the night sitting holding him.

First of all(and I apologise, I haven't read the full thread) I'm another one wondering about reflux? DS was helped a lot by carobel thickener in his bottles, he also used to comfort feed to try to ease the burning from the reflux (constant suckiness). A dummy helped, apparently increases saliva production which also eases pain.

Some babies are very high needs and harder work than others. in my experience people without a high needs baby have no idea what it's like to have one and will not understand how hard it is (I feel like I can say that as I've had an 'easy' baby too!). Do whatever you need to do to get through this time, it's hard but it will pass.

This is important DO NOT start thinking 'Oh I should be coping better' NO - we're all muddling through, doing the best we can. It's massively hard what you are dealing with. Hang in there, you're doing a good job.

If it makes you feel better, my son is now a very good 3 year old- he really is a delight, he's a very good sleeper usually too. I like to feel this is a trade off for those first few weeks!

Ha, just read one of the posts up thread - I used to want to punch people that told me to 'enjoy every minute'

Not at all unreasonable. I was certain I was going to have to run away and leave DD at about the age yours is now. I found her unutterably hard work - she not only screamed in rage almost every afternoon/evening for about eight - ten hours, she would take longer to go down for a nap than she actually slept for. I did not 'enjoy' her at all. I'm not entirely sure I loved her that much, as awful as that sounds.

She, however, had the opposite problem in some ways, that she really didnt want to be held. In fact, it made her worse, so we'd have to put her down and then listen helplessly.

At fourteen weeks, she started uncurling, holding her head up properly, and just stopped. I mean, she still cried, but it was crying, and it was for stuff, not just for the sake of screaming.

Now she's 16 months, and frankly, a delight. I know that seems endlessly far off, but I swear, stop thinking about how long you've listened to screams today, stop thinking about the passage of time, and suddenly you'll be out of the woods.

Stuff that helped: driving a LOT. Made her sleep, and gave me a break of sorts.
Hoover - standing practically on top of it, so it was really loud, she'd suddenly 'wake up' from the rage and calm down.
Going out - seeing others seemed to defuse the awfulness.
Infacol (bottles and bottles) - not sure it eased any pain/symptoms, but it gave me a feeling of control back, albeit a small one.
Ewan the Dream sheep - but on loudest setting, and only one of the noises worked for DD.
Cot - she hated the Moses/sidealong crib. We moved her into her own room at 12 weeks, straight into cot, and she was easier there. Slept better, longer and more deeply.
Swimming lessons - again, for a break, and to feel I was doing something, but I also think it tired her out, and the water seemed to calm her for whatever reason. We started at 7 weeks.

Embolio I swung between wanting to punch them and crying "why? Why would you say that to me? How can I possibly enjoy any of this?"

I had a pregnant friend confide in me later that she'd cried after leaving our house at the though her unborn child might be the same. We can laugh about it now. Thank goodness.

You sound like me - my DD is 5 weeks.

You mentioned you tried a sling - I can recommend trying different types as our fabric wrap style sling isn't all that helpful whereas the baby bjorn carrier we were lent by a friend - amazing. It's my 'nothing else is working and I'm about to cry' option. There are tons on eBay for next to nothing. Might be worth a try?

You aren't alone OP, and I'm pretty sure you are doing a great job.

What is your baby on for reflux?

Hi blue he's on renitidine and infacol- marginal help to be honest

Been there.
It sucked.
It gets better. PROMISE.

I hated the newborn stage. I hated the pregnancy stage.
I'm loving the older toddler stage!

It really won't hurt your baby to put them down somewhere safe and shut the door on them for five minutes whilst you gulp tea and sob down the phone to cry-sis. Have you heard of them?
My hv gave me their number after dd was on 12 hours of screaming and counting whilst I opened the door to her not having washed in three days and crying uncontrollably into a muslin.

pomerall No I completely agree with you, if someone is at the end of thier tether with a baby it is much better that they put baby down somewhere safe and leave the room than to risk hurting the baby out of frustration.
There was several times I said to DH "you have to take her" as I ran out of the room crying (usually after about 6 hours of her screaming and not sleeping!!)....I was referring to someone up thread who suggested leaving baby at the bottom of the garden to cry for 10 minutes as a way of getting them to go to sleep.... IMHO a refluxy baby would just scream until sick in that situation :(

Massive wave to binglesplodge !!!! Sorry I never replied to your last pm, was right in the thick of it at the time and barely conscious! Have meant to reply several times to see how you are and this thread reminded me about the shite good old days and I thought I wonder how you are doing. So pleased to read that you have come out the other side too!!!!!
Omeprazole is wonderful stuff, no?!

OP if you havnt noticed an improvement after about 5 days on the ranitadine then demand some omeprazole!! It takes 4-6 weeks to reach its full effectiveness but you should notice a difference after about 5 days (paediatricians advice!)
Ps, that book I recommended called colic solved it's actually all about reflux. Written by a consultant paediatric gastroenterologist who had a baby of his own with reflux - doesn't get more qualified than that!! Brilliant book.

Hang in there x

Yanbu, this is totally normal and will pass.

It might be worth speaking to somebody about a potential milk allergy or intolerance? Symptoms can be similar to colic, and something as simple as cutting something out your diet (if BFing) or switching formula might make a difference!

Good luck! You're doing a great job.

YANBU. Newborns can just be really tough sometimes, especially the ones who refuse to be put down. Which I think is a lot of them! And tbh, they're pretty shit. They're cute, yes, but that's literally the only thing they have going for them. Nothing interesting at all.

I have no experience with the crying and colic type stuff, but what I will say is that both of mine refused to go down until about 10 weeks. DD2 wouldn't even go down at night either, only slept on us (or any other relative who was present, to be fair, she wasn't fussy. A warm lap is a warm lap). So I would have written quite a similar post to you a couple of months ago. After that, they just started to 'get it'. DD2 is 17 weeks, spends hours pissing about on the floor, and slept 9 hours last night, in her own sidecot. The newborn stuff is highly likely to wear off or at least greatly reduce in a few weeks, and then life is so very, very different.

Lastly, with babies I don't think it's really about you and what you do. How happy and contented they are doesn't have a lot to do with how you parent. I mean, obviously don't throw them at the wall or give them solids at 3 days old or anything else grossly dangerous or negligent. And yes if they're colicky being cuddled will help, if they like their own space putting them down will help, that type of thing. But otherwise, how you're managing it is not really the point. They do what they do. Some of them would be unhappy however they were cared for, others are contented regardless. It's just the luck of the draw. There's no point blaming yourself because beyond the basics, you have about as much control over their fundamental nature as you do over the sun rising in the morning.

Op, consider taking your baby to a pediatrician. I just read the part about him having reflux, poor thing and poor you. The Dr can check his sphincter to make sure it's not making the problem worse. We had to have our baby sleep upright on one of us, while we sat on the lounge. It made him more comfortable and kept the milk down. Also we would put him in a bouncer that vibrated. I have never experienced colic. He must be in pain and feeling yucky in his tummy. You are doing a great job. Babies are hard work, but it does pass so quickly, mine is now bigger than me.

Waving right back! So glad things are better for you too. We're doing our best to enjoy the good times and it really gets easier every month. I think the people who have easy babies find things get harder as the babies get more mobile and need more entertainment but if you have a reflux baby or a colicky screamer (or both) then the hardest bit you'll ever have is the first six months.

Ah bless you. My DS is 8 months now and is a totally different baby. Babies like this are often referred to as 'high needs' - you will find loads on google. Is your health visitor/midwife supportive?

Here is what helped us (in case there is anything new).

Infacol, ranitidine, infant gaviscon.
Keeping DS upright for 30 minutes post feed.
Lactose free formula & Dr Browns bottles.
Perfect prep machine - when the boy was hungry he was hungry NOW!
White noise apps, extractor fan on cooker hood & Ewan the dream sheep.
Sleeping in the spare room propped up on pillows and with my arms supported by pillows so we were both getting some sleep.
Close caboo sling (even so I could have a wee!).
He hated the bouncer until about 7-8 weeks so persevere if he isnt keen. I think some bouncers make it worse because the babies belly is crunched in half so one with a more structured back may be better. We also had a cat shaped toy on an activity centre that DS was fascinated by for short periods - it pkayed music and flashed coloured lights. I used to velcro it to a cupboard handle so I could do the washing up!
Nappy free time - my DS loves to be naked and its a running joke in our family that if nothing else is working whip his nappy off!

You just have to keep your head down and get through each day. It does get better but its hard to believe at the moment. It will happen. You will get there.

Oh I really feel for you. My oldest son was an absolute nightmare when he was a baby. He literally could not be put down for a second without screaming his head off. Even being held wasn't good enough! We discovered that holding him while bouncing on a big gym ball or walking around outside whilst he was in the baby bjorn were the only two things that stopped him. It will get easier, I promise. Good luck x

Op, my baby is 16 weeks, I found weeks 6-8 so, so hard but I promise it gets better. Two weeks felt like years.
If you can, don't do anything the next while, let him sleep in your arms while you watch crap TV, ask your h to take him some mornings so you can snooze.there were times in those weeks when I disliked my baby so much, I cried loads but I promise it gets easier x