AIBU to be struggling with my newborn :(

[Meandyou150]

Hi all

Have a gorgeous 6 week old baby boy who I adore but I am finding things really tough.

I can only assume he has colic as everyday we have these huge crying/screaming spells which go on for hours and nothing soothes him, we've had him fully checked out and there's nothing wrong with him physically- so we've been told it's colic and will just go away in time.

Add to this the fact he refuses to sleep anywhere but on you - meaning we are seriously sleep deprived. Refuses to sleep in his Moses basket or anywhere else.

Also he refuses to be put down - screams when u lay him down to change his nappy- or put him down to make a cup of tea even. We've tried a sling but half the time he hates that as well and just wants to be carried about.

It's just so tough, I'm exhausted and feel I should be able to cope better.

Should I be managing better than I am?!

You are doing everything you can please don't beat yourself up. If babies didn't bond to mums who sometimes felt frustrated there would be no parent child bonding. Honestly. Every parent and child have their moments. People just don't like to admit it or dwell on it. This will pass. In the mean time can you get your partner to do a couple of hours in the morning so you can get a little sleep boost before he heads to work? Don't try and so it all.

DD went through a stage of crying all the time and we used infacol which helped with trapped wind that was obviously bothering her. It worked really well for us. Also what helped me was some advice a friend said she had been given by a health visitor when her baby was young. That advice was to spend a day in bed with the baby, just sleeping and feeding. Bring some snacks and drinks in for yourself and just relax, sleep as much as you can and don't feel guilty about slobbing out.

I'm sure 6 weeks is one of the growth spurts so it will be extra intense during that time. It should start to get better soon enough.

Hi OP, you are doing brilliantly and as everyone here has said already, it is bloody hard work. The knack to being a good mum is that things don't have to be perfect, they just have to be good enough ie all that you are doing with your baby is good enough.

My DS1 is now 14 and your post sounded exactly like him when he was a newborn. I felt like I had been hit by a bus. Around 5/6 weeks, I thought I would give the Gina Ford routine a go as things couldn't be any worse. He was screaming from mid afternoon until sometimes 1am. I would go and meet DH at the tube station with DS1 in the buggy so that I would have less time on my own with the screaming child. Anyway, the first day we did the routine, DS slept for 5 hours in a row - I could have kissed Gina Ford if I'd met her. I think that DS just felt much more comfortable in a routine where he was getting the right amount of milk at the right time and also was well rested.

Good luck and things will get better!

dd2 was like this, we spent most evenings for a month in a warm bath with her lying on me feeding/screaming as it was the only thing that seemed to help a bit.

Have heard people swear by cranial sacral osteopathy (basic theory, some babies have a headache etc from the birth- gentle expert manipulation can help sort it out) might be worth a go?
Also putting lavender oil on a blanket/ muslin can work.

6 weeks is hard and it gets better. Eventually they only scream when something is wrong, and stop screaming when you fix it, and you get better at knowing what's wrong and fixing it.
The old fashioned approach of putting the screaming baby in a pram at the end of the garden and leaving her for 10 minutes also works, sometimes, though is less fashionable these days, and I think the trick of putting baby facing into the sunshine so she closes her eyes and goes to sleep is definitely frowned on by mumsnetters, but can sometimes work.

Oh, OP, I feel for you so much! My DS1 was briefly hospitalized shortly after birth for what was thought to be duodenal stenosis but was actually a tiny stomach ulcer. Even after a course of antacid medication and with the ulcer healed and the worst symptoms subsiding, he still had a fussy, delicate, immature digestive system. So colicky. We fed and rocked and held and fed and "walked" and jiggled around and went on drives on in the car until he would finally fall asleep and could be put down to sleep for a (very) few hours. Sometimes he cried so much that I was terrified to put him down or pick him up! And I'd be crying while he was crying. He still "ook ooked," as we called it, in his sleep. I thought I was going crazy and was so tired and felt so defeated! But he did get better pretty quickly within a number of weeks after the very worst of it -- and sanity and life as we knew it was restored. (Although DS2, when he came along, was actually sleeping completely all through the night before DS1 was!)

As other posters have said, this is not going to affect his development or his bond with you. You are really creating a very strong bond as the two of you manage to get through this together. Your child will instinctively know that he can turn to you when in distress.

By the way, as he got a good bit older, DS1 turned out to be the one, to my amazement, who would just decide to go to bed, would sleep all night, and could eat and drink anything. In adulthood, he seriously seems to have a cast-iron stomach and still has very regular sleeping habits (which I wish I had!).

OP, I remember those early months so well. There is a world of difference between an "easy" baby and a "colicky" one. We all hope this helps you to not make yourself sick with worry and fear. As others have suggested, try to get as much sleep as you can and let other things go temporarily. Wishing you and your little boy the best!

so so normal. It gets masses better once you get some feedback other than tears or poo from them. I can recommend a cocoonababy - when my ds wouldn't sleep in his moses basket the cocoon did the job. And you can put it next to you in bed etc. I held my little boys hand in his. It was lovely. and so snuggly.

infacol and if you are using bottles then dr Brown's bottles are fab. just hang in there. I hated it at the start but suddenly it all comes right.

Please don't try cry it out with a newborn, especially one in pain :(
DD would never have 'just gone to sleep ' she would have screamed herself stupid!

Don't worry about the baby sensing anything - or it having any effect on your bond

I remember feeling so stressed with DS2's constant high pitched screaming in the middle of the night.

I remember feeling not very close to him. I just was going through the minions of looking after him.

All that's changed - he's 3 now - and still drives me mad - but those tough newborn days are long behind us - and we get on great (most of the time ) and are as close as can be

You poor things, but how you feel is perfectly normal. You're knackered! If it's any consolation, my 8 year old cried solidly for 3 years (sorry, that probably makes you feel worse) and didn't sleep. I don't know how we coped but he is now the most placid, adorable 8 year old. On the other hand DS1 was a super sleeper and never cried but now could cause a riot in an empty house and is a total (adorable) pain in the arse!

Does a bath soothe him or have you tried swaddling?

Hugs, there is nothing more demoralising than a baby who cries no matter what you do to comfort them. Ds slept on my chest for the first two months of his life and would only nap in a moving buggy/moving car/sling attached to moving person.
For the really tough crying periods we found bouncing on a medicine ball with him sucking a dummy helped.

He also turned out to have a milk allergy and after 2 days on a hypo formula turned into a much happier baby. He didn't sleep much better but the all day crying stopped. He didn't have a rash, just lots of reflux and some very strange poo

Put some headphones with music on whilst you cuddle/comfort. Takes the edge off the crying and makes no difference to baby.

My son is now 41 years old, but I will never forget the first 3 months when he screamed continuously every evening for 4 hours. He also screamed when he was put in his pram but I kept taking him for long walks to get him to sleep.

I agree with those suggesting to check if his symptoms could be due to gastrointestinal reflux - could be that Gaviscon is worth a try. Otherwise sitting holding your baby on one of those large Exercise soft balls (Mothercare and Argos should sell it) soothes babies instantly for some bizarre reason.

Hmm, you know, as helpful as it is to hear other people say "it's totally normal", I would suggest that it actually isn't normal for all babies. There ARE such things as laid-back babies who don't reallyhave colic, reflux or cry much at all; the ones who drift off happily to sleep in their noses basket after a feed with barely a gurgle. Then there are the Middle of the road ones who cry a fair bit when they're hungry, tired etc. Then there are the ones like yours and my own DS2 who are never bloody happy and seem to be put out that they even exist. The ones who cry more than they're happy.

If you're unfortunate enough to be experiencing parenthood via the last type of baby then when you complain to a mum of the first type of baby at baby Grouo that you are really finding it tough, then there IS the possibility that she really doesn't know what you're going through at all!

It's not until someone has a very demanding baby that they finally understand what the term means, if all they've known is the laid back type. It doesn't mean that they have parented or soothed better than you up to now; all it means is that they have been bloody lucky.

I think that's wise to keep in mind. It's normal to find a demanding baby hard bloody going, it's normal to feel that because they're never happy you must somehow be doing something wrong, it's normal to think that you've ruined your life by deciding to become a parent, etc etc

But just bear in mind that not all babies are like that, and the ones that are are certainly not like that for long (although it does feel like it when you're in the thick of it). When you've come through the other side, and the time comes to baby number 2, then a) you can tell yourself that if you get another one then you CAN get through it and b) if you get a laid back one you'll feel it's a piece of piss in comparison.

The last piece of advice I'd give is DO NOT compare you and your baby to other mum and baby pairings! They are not you! They really aren't doing it any better than you are, even though it may seem like it.

Oh, one more thing. Don't worry if you feel you just need to "get through" this phase. There's no law that says you have to enjoy the newborn phase. I really think the only ones who enjoy it are the ones with easier babies. Everyone else just middles through till a few months down the line they realise their baby is crying quite a bit less and actually becoming rather wonderful and lovely.

I'm another who totally sympathises as I currently have a 14 week old dd with it, I'm surprised the carpet isn't bare with all the pacing, she's on infacol, colief, Gaviscon, has Dr Brown's bottles and was also prescribed Nutramigen milk which she refuses to drink, in the end the doc said that it's now a case of waiting it out and that some babies are simply more unsettled and they don't have the answers.

Like your little boy she hates being put down and it's been a case of finding out what she likes, for her it's being held on her side whilst pacing then slowly sitting down whilst still rocking then after about 20 minutes I can sometimes put her on the chair and she'll stay asleep if she's still on her side.

It's a soul destroying time isn't it, we look forward so much to having our babies then when they cry so much it's incredibly frustrating, tests our patience and makes us cry because we can't help them. I must say though that my dd does seem to be improving slowly and for a few weeks has slept through the night so it's only daytimes now that she's unsettled but even they are getting better, it did drag at the time though.

Try to get out and about in the day, take him to playgroups and be amongst other people who've been in your situation, once they start smiling it's a lovely milestone to finally get something in return, I had to keep reminding myself that the crying wasn't personal and that she was in pain.
You're doing a great job.

My ds was exactly the same, he's now 24, but I remeber it like yesterday. I changed his formula to one for hungrier babies and that helped, by 6 months he was a happy, smiley chappie!
Advice was very different then. The HV advised me to introduce weaning much younger than they recommend now, but he was much more content when he started on solids.
You're doing a great job, it wil get easier

Abso no one is recommending cry it out.

What we are saying is that sometimes the crying gets so overwhelming you have to just put the baby down in a safe place and go to another room for a bit. And that's ok, the NHS website says so. It's the caring for a newborn equivalent of biting your lip and counting to 10.

It's far safer to put them down for a bit than to push yourself through the far side of stress which is often where anger and bad decisions lie.

I second seeing a consultant at the hospital regarding the reflux. DS was horrendous until he was put on Omeprozole to stop the acid. We ended up in A&E in the middle of the night after about the 6 bottle being thrown up. I was in a state. They took one look at the pair of us and admitted us. An angel nurse came in and took DS to the nurse's station for 5 hours so I could have a sleep. I think she saved my life!! We then had open access to the consultant until his mess were sorted. It was a hellish time and my heart goes out to you

Mess=meds

Yep Betty my older ones are 25/24 and I weaned them at 3 months as did everyone.

All I can say is it worked like magic and they were huge babies.

My younger 2 are teens and even bigger born. I weaned them at the same age and with same results

Still digress. You are doing a great job op and swear it gets better and better

Before you know where you are he will be taking you to the pub and buying you a wine.

It's so difficult in those first few weeks, for you.

I don't know whether this has already been mentioned, but I found a white noise app a lifesaver. It really did seem to calm my otherwise constantly screaming DD down enough to fall asleep.

I've just checked it, I played 25 hours of vacuum cleaner noise in those first 6 months

I have to say, when I had my son there were a few days I looked at him and thought "oh my god, what have I done. I've ruined my life!'

And he didn't even cry that much, it was just the adjustment of life knowing that you wouldn't know when you'd next be disturbed, woken up, etc etc.

Hang in there! x

Can your HV refer you to Homestart? My volunteer simply holds my baby (who I've always struggled to cope with, and he doesn't even have colic!) while I have a cup of tea or hang some washing out or just don't hold him and she's marvellous. It's two hours a week when I can relax a bit.
I hope things get better for you soon. It's normal, but it's also really fucking horrible

Haven't read the thread so apologies if I'm repeating anything.

My son was like this. LIterally screamed his way through the first 7 weeks of his life. I remember going to my 6 week check with him (and 17month old sister in tow) and the Dr just at me, is he like this all the time!

erm. Yep. He was.

What helped? I went to see a cranial osteopath who specialised in babies. Oh my goodness. I so wish I'd gone sooner. She was fantastic. Within literally weeks, I had the most chilled out, calm little boy ever. I know some people might just say this is a coincidence, but I'm fairly sure it wasn't. I had a traumatic birth and he had a tightness in his neck, which was making it difficult for him to get restful sleep.

TBH, you just get through the first 12 weeks. Fourth trimester. Google it. It will pass!

And I second advice to just lay him down somewhere safe, like his cot or strapped into a swing/bouncer and take five minutes to get yourself together. I've scared myself when I've been at breaking point, and stepping out of the situation just quickly does help.