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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be stunned that she's taken this man back, and wonder what the bloody hell she sees in him?

16 replies

EmeraldThief · 07/06/2015 10:20

I have an old friend, who admittedly I don't see as much of anymore but we do still chat on Facebook.

She's been with her DP for about two years now and from the off there were problems. Always splitting up and getting back together, lots of rows and she once accused him of stealing from her. All played out on Facebook of course. When together she posts lots of sickly updates about her "gorgeous man" (he's not gorgeous at all), which is out of character for her really as she was never one to gush over boyfriends and was always very independent.

Recently she caught him cheating on her. It was over for good then. She was free, didn't need a man etc. Now they're back together, apparently he basically camped outside her house until she agreed to take him back. Lots of people having a go at her, "he'll do it again" "your better than that" etc she's not listening and is unfriendng anyone who slags him off. I've never met him but think he's an epic twat just from reading her Facebook! None of her close friends or family seems to like him (unsuprisngly).

Why on Earth would you get back together with someone who treats you like that? I'm genuinely aghast.

OP posts:
paramedicswift · 07/06/2015 10:25

From her perspective, she will perceive everyone else who criticized him or her as being an outsider to her abusive relationship.

I think this is caused by self esteem issues and wilful ignorance.

ollieplimsoles · 07/06/2015 10:26

This is dh's aunt.

She has problems with alcohol and has been treated for depression, she lives in another country so she is very active on facebook and shares all her problems... Including her on off relationship with a total idiot.

One minute its a long rant about what he's done to her, the next she's back with him and wont listen to any one..even if they ask if she's ok.

The problem is people start hiding posts because they get annoyed, then she gets less and less contact with people.

I think this lady may have the same problem with people ignoring her then not being aware of what's happening when she really needs them.

popalot · 07/06/2015 10:32

Because she's sucked into the drama of his world, possibly due to low esteem issues (which usually is the cause for lots of fb updates about themselves). Afraid you can't help her much - she has to become aware herself.

Original poster
EmeraldThief · 07/06/2015 10:34

To me he seems like a controlling and abusive arse. They don't have children, so theres reason why she can't cut him out altogether

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Straycatblue · 07/06/2015 10:36

Im on my phone and not good at typing longer replies on it so Im not trying to be flippant, but why not Google
"Why do women stay in abusive relationships"

There are some good articles on the subject and might help you to understand your friends behaviour and also why speaking out against her partner only causes her to be more isolated.

FernGullysWoollyPully · 07/06/2015 10:39

This was me. I loved him unconditionally. I thought I'd spend my whole life with him. I had low self esteem and really believed that he 'saved' me from the abusive family life I had. He made me need him, in the end I thought he was the only one I needed.

In reality, he left me several times a month, always came back after I begged and apologised. It was always my fault. He cheated on me and stole from me. He left me with 3 children never to be seen or heard of again.

I know it's frustrating and upsetting foe you but you cannot help her now. You can't tell her what you see, she won't take it from you. Just make her aware that you are there if and when she needs you, having a friend stand by her will mean more when she comes out the other side. Which she will. Eventually.

fiveacres · 07/06/2015 10:43

'I think he's an epic twat just from reading her Facebook.'

Ah yes, Facebook, that well known tool by which you can tell everything about a person ...

Original poster
EmeraldThief · 07/06/2015 10:46

I haven't commented on her announcement that they are back together, because I was so stunned I didn't know what to say! I really thought that was it because she'd found messages on his phone to the OW in which he called her all sorts of awful names.

Others did comment though, telling her she could do better etc. Which of course she can.

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FernGullysWoollyPully · 07/06/2015 10:53

Of course she can Emerald but she won't know that because that's how emotional abusers make their victims feel. Like no one else will love you so you always go back.

Straycatblue · 07/06/2015 11:08

EmeraldThief

"To be stunned that she's taken this man back, and wonder what the bloody hell she sees in him?"

"Why on Earth would you get back together with someone who treats you like that? I'm genuinely aghast."

"theres no reason why she cant cut him out altogether"

" ... telling her she could do better etc. Which of course she can"

I would say though that perhaps without realising it, your language suggests that you think she is to blame for what is happening to her. This is called victim blaming.

You seen to have little or no understanding of how abusive relationships work, its good that you are asking questions and trying to understand, as many write off their friends in this situation.
Learn as much as you can, like I said earlier, it is an often asked question and there are multiple excellint articles, explanations and survivor stories online that can assist in your understanding.

missymayhemsmum · 07/06/2015 11:42

because its easy to get addicted to that kind of emotional drama, and facebook facilitates that.

differentnameforthis · 07/06/2015 11:54

Because she thinks that is all she deserves, and he has probably instilled that in her. He has probably told her she won't find anyone better, that no one will want her, she is worthless etc.

It's similar to when you ask a DV victim why they don't leave...it's often safer to stay!

differentnameforthis · 07/06/2015 11:56

They don't have children, so theres reason why she can't cut him out altogether

It isn't her fault. "Why doesn't she leave" is essentially victim blaming...I wonder why you aren't asking why he doesn't stop it.

And what Straycatblue says...

Fleecyleesy · 07/06/2015 12:02

I'd delete her from your FB.

It's not about the rights and wrongs of this relationship, more that she isn't actually a friend.

cakedcrusader · 07/06/2015 12:05

Yanbu! It is frustrating to watch it play out and be powerless to do anything but all you can do is hope that in time she will see what everyone else sees and ltb. I have a friend who was a single mother for years and she was determined to turn her life around. It was honestly inspiring to see how focused she was on being a good role model for her child, working and studying whilst being a mum and dad. Within a few months of meeting this man she was pregnant again and had dropped out of university. They were married within a year of meeting and then there were lots of facebook posts about how he'd called her names and spent all their money on nights out. They split when he was violent towards her and it looked like she was getting her life back on track but suddenly he was back and she's quit university again! It is so sad to see but she won't listen to anyone and thinks he's the best thing that ever happened to her Sad

Original poster
EmeraldThief · 07/06/2015 13:27

I don't mean to sound like Im blaming her, I suppose I just don't get why she'd allow someone to treat her like that?

The camping outside her house when she's "left" him is not unusual, I know he's done it before. It's harrasment in the hope she'll give in, which of course she always does.

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