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AIBU?

Who is responsible for cleaning after this guest?

194 replies

Booboostoo · 06/06/2015 13:46

DH and I can't agree over this ( a bit long winded but bear with me):

We have a nanny/groom/cleaner who lives in accommodation we provide with her boyfriend who also works for us. Our nanny and bf are away on holiday and FIL is visiting. We don't have a spare bedroom for FIL so we asked nanny and bf if FIL could stay at their cottage and they were happy with this.

Right before our nanny left on holiday she cleaned her cottage and changed the sheets, which I assumed she did because FIL was coming. This was lovely of her and I will thank her about. When FIL leaves I think we should change the sheets and clean the cottage so that it is ready for nanny and bf to return. DH thinks we should leave cottage as is and nanny and bf should clean it when they come back. DH argues that nanny works for us as a cleaner so it's her job to clean. I don't think it's her job to clean her cottage that she has kindly let to us, nor have to do it after a long flight back, nor have to do it on her day off.

I will eat my foot if anyone thinks I am BU, but tell me anyway because I need some ammunition to convince DH (of course I could just go ahead and clean it all by myself, but in that case I would prefer it if FIL shared a room with a DC as it is a lot less work for me. I am doing all the cleaning anyway while nanny is away, DH is not helping with that at all so I don't want to 'volunteer' for more cleaning).

OP posts:

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Booboostoo · 07/06/2015 15:00

The nanny and I get on really well. We have similar views on child rearing, dog training and horse training so that works out. She's not quite live in,but live next door with own entrance, garden, etc so that allows her and her bf protected time off work, but I do agree it's not a job that would suit all combinations of employers and employees.

OP posts:

ConferencePear · 07/06/2015 15:51

She sounds like your perfect employee - she needs to be treasured not treated like a skivvy.

2rebecca · 07/06/2015 18:00

When you say the nanny asked if her friend could stay in YOUR house whilst she was away or was the friend staying in the house the nanny gets through her job?
I suspect it's the latter and the problem is that you don't regard the house she gets as part of her job as her house.
I don't think it should have occurred to you to ask if your Fil could stay in her house. Surely it's her house until the contract ends

MilesHuntsWig · 07/06/2015 23:43

You sound like you out up with a lot from your DH who, as many have said before me, sounds like an entitled prick.

Of course their cottage should be left in the same state as they left it, I am astounded anyone would think otherwise. Your twat of a husband needs a reality check.

Lweji · 08/06/2015 00:02

I think a good solution, if your OH won't clean up after his dad, is to have the kids in your room, FIL in their room and your OH on the sofa or share a room with his dad.

And it looks like you need to go tough in your OH about his lack of contribution at home. Maybe move him to another cottage? At least you won't have to clean after him. Less work.

SusanIvanova · 08/06/2015 03:47

2rebecca, OP already said that her nanny's family had used the OP's cottage/home whilst OP was away

HagOtheNorth · 08/06/2015 05:46

Didn't say who cleaned up afterwards though, I did ask.

ClearEyesFullHearts · 08/06/2015 06:26

OP, will you let us know the outcome? Especially the reaction if you show your husband this thread.

In fact, I'd particularly like to hear his response when he reads the post about howapparentlyyou will be divorcing him one day.

Booboostoo · 08/06/2015 07:02

The nanny's family used our house, the nanny cleaned it to perfection, our home was lovely when we returned.

DD is now refusing to sleep in her room so we have a spare for FIL. Will let you know DH's reaction to this thread.

OP posts:

DinosaursRoar · 08/06/2015 07:11

I never understand how you end up married with dcs to a man who "doesn't do chores". Surely they get dumped before the relationship gets serious? Trying to change them several years later seems a harder route to take...

MilesHuntsWig · 08/06/2015 07:13

Good luck with DH, hope your DD is ok!

ByeFelicia · 08/06/2015 08:00

YANBU

ShaynePunim · 08/06/2015 09:34

WOW. Of course you should clean it before she gets back. Basic manners. I can't believe this is even a question.

sadwidow28 · 08/06/2015 16:05

Booboostoo my late-DH hated doing cleaning but took his weekly cleaning of the parquet kitchen/dining floor like a man (i.e. grumbled)

However, when we role-swapped, we used to argue quite a bit. I will never forget him saying, "I don't get any sense of achievement out of putting my hands into the loo" My response was, "Do you think I did?"

He elected to do an extra day's supply teaching per month (rather than retire fully on HIS terms) to pay for a cleaner! Yay!!! She was far better at cleaning that DH ever could be. He bought a dishwasher because he couldn't see the sense of standing at a sink for an hour each day. Yay again!!!!

My DH was great at ironing (in front of any sport on the TV) - but he would forget which sleeve he was up to and I would have blouses hung in my wardrobe with ONE ironed and one NOT!

He shopped for food 4 days a week - using all supermarkets like a corner shop - to find the reduced items - and any other item that had graced supermarket shelves that we had not yet tried .

He found out that he could cook like a Michellin chef - 3 days to make a consomme soup which he strained through muslin!

My late-DH did step up to the plate, realised that jobs needed to be done and accepted lonely days when I worked away. I'd have him back in a heart beat!

Pick your battles OP!

MilesHuntsWig · 09/06/2015 22:22

Did you show this to you DH?

Booboostoo · 11/06/2015 19:48

sadwudow I am very sorry for your loss. I think you are entirely right, you have to,pick your battles and there are a lot of elements that make up a relationship. Some could be improved, some work well, but I don't think anyone gets it 100% right.

DH is refusing to comment on this and I don't want to press it and have a major fight in front of FIL. I suspect DH was quite stressed due to work, said something which was out of character (he is not an unkind or thoughtless person) and now feels cornered. Yes, a better person would admit BU and apologise but pick your battles and all that.

DD is ecstatic sleeping with FIL!

OP posts:

notinagreatplace · 11/06/2015 20:05

Sorry but, based on earlier comments in this thread about how he thinks he's too good for chores in general, what he said this time was entirely in character.

Yes, in general, picking your battles is wise but this seems like a battle worth picking.. your husband shows/tells you that he thinks he's too good for every day tasks.

Lweji · 11/06/2015 20:14

There's an often repeated mantra here: when men tell you who they are, listen to them.

He may not make that view very obvious, but it came out because that's what he thinks, with no self-censorship.

Eminado · 12/06/2015 00:55

OP so when you say he is refusing to comment, has he read the thread?

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