Who is responsible for cleaning after this guest?

[Booboostoo]

DH and I can't agree over this ( a bit long winded but bear with me):

We have a nanny/groom/cleaner who lives in accommodation we provide with her boyfriend who also works for us. Our nanny and bf are away on holiday and FIL is visiting. We don't have a spare bedroom for FIL so we asked nanny and bf if FIL could stay at their cottage and they were happy with this.

Right before our nanny left on holiday she cleaned her cottage and changed the sheets, which I assumed she did because FIL was coming. This was lovely of her and I will thank her about. When FIL leaves I think we should change the sheets and clean the cottage so that it is ready for nanny and bf to return. DH thinks we should leave cottage as is and nanny and bf should clean it when they come back. DH argues that nanny works for us as a cleaner so it's her job to clean. I don't think it's her job to clean her cottage that she has kindly let to us, nor have to do it after a long flight back, nor have to do it on her day off.

I will eat my foot if anyone thinks I am BU, but tell me anyway because I need some ammunition to convince DH (of course I could just go ahead and clean it all by myself, but in that case I would prefer it if FIL shared a room with a DC as it is a lot less work for me. I am doing all the cleaning anyway while nanny is away, DH is not helping with that at all so I don't want to 'volunteer' for more cleaning).

[Penfold007]

You employ staff and part of their remuneration package is a tied cottage. Like any other tenants they are entitled to the quiet enjoyment of that accommodation. They are not obliged to let you use it when they are away but their decent people so have allowed it and left it guest ready.
If you borrow the cottage you leave it clean, tidy and as you found it.
You could put two DC into one bedroom and FIL could stay in the main house.
If the housework is too much for you there are reputable cleaning companies who will provide holiday cover, you going to need a some one to muck out etc anyway.

[LilyKiwi]

I think what your husband is proposing is abusive of your nanny and her home. Employing somebody does not give you the right to treat them as a sub-human who doesn't deserve basic respect. He sounds shameless and rather revolting.

[HagOtheNorth]

'Last time we were on holiday the nanny's mum and sister visited. She had asked us if they could stay in our cottage and we said yes.'

That's nice, Did they leave the laundry, bins and general mess for you to clean up? Or was it clean and neat when you got it back?

[AuntOlive]

Have not read thread, but OP YANBU (and your DP sounds like an arrogant twat, sorry).

[Booboostoo]

DH and chores is a huge problem. I've tried reasoning with him, getting annoyed, nagging, nothing works. If you know of a solution let me know and I'm willing to try anything!

[WellErrr]

Its not 'your' problem.
The problem is him, and the fact that he thinks that chores are for women and servants and that he is above it.

So no amount of you 'nagging' (awful misogynistic word) will help as he doesn't want to do it.

It shows a total lack of respect and appalling arrogance. It's not right.

[WellErrr]

And it's not your fault OP

[raindrops99]

I'd be ashamed of DH if he ever made a suggestion like that

[AuntOlive]

Boohoo- TBH, the problem sounds less about 'chores' per se, and more about his attitude. How are his 'manners' generally? Is he rude/ unpleasant / selfish / thoughtless in other areas of life too?

[Gabilan]

"If you know of a solution let me know and I'm willing to try anything!"

Natural horsemanship techniques ? If he were a problem horse, how would you retrain him?

What reason does he give? Though I suspect the reason is not the answer. Probably more of a case that he cannot be bothered and justifies it by saying he's out earning money so it's not his responsibility it's what women do

[AuntOlive]

• Booboo, not boohoo sorry

[arethereanyleftatall]

I also don't think there is anything you can do with a person like this.

Projecting completely, but I'm guessing he was brought up to believe he is better than others.

I think the best you can do is make sure your own dc are brought up to respect others.

[Foreverlurking]

Your husband is being vvvvvu!
I bet he is the sort who puts rubbish on the floor of restaurants and says it's the cleaners job!
Your cleaner and bf are people too! Of course you should clean it - just common courtesy I would have thought.

[laurierf]

boohoo - I don't think you were wrong to ask them if it was ok to use the cottage whilst they were away; I've had 3 employers ask that of me in the past and I didn't mind and I've asked it of someone too - like you there's always been a fair exchange with favours of this kind (e.g. free family stays in holiday homes etc.) Obviously your DH is being very unreasonable because he doesn't recognise it's a favour but, also, because if - as it sounds though maybe I've got the wrong end of the stick - you are the one in the partnership who is responsible for household staff management, then he ought to respect your decision that the cottage needs to be cleaned and that you don't have time to do it yourself, so you will come up with an alternative solution if he's not going to help.

[Fairy13]

booboo
I lived with a man who refused to ever lift a finger ever. I was caring for his child (my step daughter) working full time (earning more, incidentally) commuting, and still doing all housework.

I can tell you the things I tried. Hired a cleaner. Implemented a chore chart, got him to choose the chore he hated least, hoping that by treating him like a child he would improve with the discipline techniques used on a child.
Tried begging, pleading, crying with exhaustion.

The chore chart worked a bit, for maybe a week.

The bottom line is, I'm willing to bet my divorce papers that that is not the only issue in your relationship. You might not even get that yet. You might be blinded by the trappings of the lifestyle he has afforded you but the fact is, the lack of chores is simply a symptom, a by- product of you being married to a misogynistic shithead.

No tactics will work until you leave him.
Sorry.

[findingmyfeet12]

Interesting thread.

I don't think anyone has agreed with your dps position on this one.

On a side note, I'm not sure I could even be in a relationship with someone who would hold that kind of opinion. It speaks volumes about his personality generally.

[bakingaddict]

I'd say divorce papers gets men who won't do chores thinking otherwise

[Clearoutre]

Your nanny has allowed the temporary use of her cottage as a favour to you, not as her job so her occupation/skills/services in a professional capacity are irrelevant.

If you had offered to pay her that would be a different matter and I suspect your husband would find the idea of paying her ridiculous - it is equally ridiculous to expect her to clean her own home after it has been used for your purposes.

Now, if your nanny had left the cottage in a state (i.e. you had to clean it and change the sheets etc before FIL's arrival) this would be a slightly different matter, only slightly though. I suggest you, or someone under your instruction, needs to go in and clean up after your guest has left in time for her return. This is for several reasons, the most selfish (and perhaps motivational to your husband, which you can use to make your case) being that you value her loyalty and want her to continue working for you happily and willingly (i.e. no resentment for having found her home in a state after returning from a trip away) PLUS you may want to ask her borrow it again for another guest in the future and she will say no or make an excuse if she doesn't fancy a) having to clean her home before a trip away, b) having her private home used by a relative stranger(s) and c) cleaning it again afterwards - she has already agreed/carried out a) and b) for you.

Good luck with your husband, I hope you can come to an agreement!

[whois]

Yeah your husband is being a twat.

Maybe you could apologise massively to her, explain you were going to clean up and how thankful you are to her, haven't had time, but give her the first day back off work as a 'free' holiday day. And a nice bottle of wine and some expensive chocs as a thank you for letting a stranger stay in her home.

[rookiemere]

In your first post you said that the nanny had left the house clean and tidy, you thought it was because FIL was coming to stay.

More likely she left it that way as it's depressing enough coming back from the holiday back to work particularly to a job where your male employer treats you like a downstairs member of the cast of Downton Abbey, so at least if you come back to a spic and span house it is one less thing to be sad about.

I just couldn't leave it for her, no matter what sweeteners you put in place. Surely if you don't want to do it yourselves you can just ring up a local cleaning agency and job done in a morning.

[expatinscotland]

I am in still in awe of one person being a nanny, a cleaner and a groom to two young children, with a SAHM employer and live in. I saw this show where a lady wanted all that but no one lasted very long. Maybe she had a husband like this.

[Gabilan]

Expat there are quite a few jobs like that advertised in Horse and Hound and the like. Not sure how many involve one employer being a SAHM. I've never done it but have considered it - trouble is whilst some employers may be perfectly lovely, there is also a good chance of one of them turning out to be an entitled arse!

[BreadmakerFan]

I saw that too Expat. So depressing that the mother couldn't see why the applicants left after five minutes.

[expatinscotland]

Yeah, it was pretty obvious why no one stayed. Her husband did FA, too, in the home.

[BlackTrivet]

YANBU - the Nanny's cottage should definitely be cleaned and fresh sheets on beds for her arrival home, and maybe a lovely bunch of flowers to welcome them.

I hate coming back from holiday to a house that isn't clean and work hard before I go to make sure it is clean and tidy with fresh bed linen.

I can relate to how inconvenient doing this extra work will be, especially when you and your husband are used to paying someone else to do the cleaning. TBH, for that reason, I would have been reluctant to offer the Nanny's cottage to your FIL and would have paid for a local B & B instead or put him up in the main house in some other way.

I haven't read the whole tread so apologies if I clearly have misunderstandings.