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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not take dd to party due to racism

96 replies

irishmummy22 · 04/06/2015 21:26

Hiya. I've been a lurker for ages. After todays incident I decided to join up to ask your opinion. A mum from my Dd`s school rang me this morning.

My DD is invited to her DD`s bday next week. She said, theres an issue with one of the kids previously invited. The mum had found out that the girl was a member of the travelling community. She was horrified.

She told me that she was telling the girls mum that she wasn't invited anymore because smelly knackers have no place in a clean house.

I was disgusted and told her well, in that case, my dd wont be attending the party because I don't like her attitude. My dh thinks I should have just left it and not said dd wouldn't be going. But im not the kind of person that keeps my mouth shut when I know someone is terribly wrong.

The kids are all 4. Dd isn't terribly fussed about the party tbh. In my opinion life is to short to waste it with people with old fashioned opinions like that.

So, AIBU

OP posts:

Alanna1 · 05/06/2015 10:20

I've not read the whole thread, but I'd raise this with the school too and ask them to run some age-appropriate equality and discrimination classes about treating people with respect etc.

NotYouNaanBread · 05/06/2015 10:26

The snobbery aside (I would call it snobbery more than racism), I'm stunned that she would be so socially unaware as to call EVERYBODY and tell them exactly why she didn't want the child at the party - and then to actually abuse the mother herself on the phone?? What does she think is going to happen at the school gates on Monday morning? Surely after the 1st couple of phone calls didn't go quite the way she'd expected she'd take the hint that her offensive notions are not quite as universal as she seemed to think.

She's horrible, but also more than a little dim.

NotYouNaanBread · 05/06/2015 10:27

Alanna1 That's a good point - if the school knew that there were children from the traveller community being ostracised like that (however ineffectively), there is probably something they can do to gently push a more inclusive message.

NameChange30 · 05/06/2015 10:40

You did the right thing OP.

Agree with NotYou, the mum can't be sharpest tool in the box can she. Now she's ruined her daughter's birthday party. But hopefully she will have learned for next time. (If not, I pity the poor girl.)

Also agree that it would be a good idea to raise it with the school in the hope they could do a session on equality and diversity. Four is a bit young but I'm sure they could do something age-appropriate. The birthday girl can't have absorbed her mum's views completely or she wouldn't have wanted to invite a traveller girl to her party.

OP I love that you invited the traveller girl and her mum over to your place. If I were you I think I would also get the birthday girl a nice present for DD to give her even though she's not going to the party.

DuchessofNorks · 05/06/2015 11:04

Thank you OP for taking a stand against such awful behaviour.

Whatever you want to call it, it falls under discrimination- and this is a fairly shocking example of that. I've faced it in various aspects of my life for having a distinctive accent and being born the wrong side of the border.

LondonLady29 · 05/06/2015 12:12

My origins are from traveling communities but I have only told about three people in RL because of the racism. I know it's cowardly but I cringe inside when people rant about dirty g**s in front of me. It's disgusting. YANBU

LondonLady29 · 05/06/2015 12:18

Soduthen116 you are so so ignorant. Also... So you won't have your children socialising with those who have different beliefs to them? Good luck. You're a bigot whether you know it or not.

AbbeyRoadCrossing · 05/06/2015 12:28

London I'm the same as you but Romany background. Half the time i think challenging it in real life isn't worth it for me but then feel guilty for not doing so. I had an incident at work once - a senior member of staff joking about Romanies in the Nazi genocide. I complained and it backfired, I ended up moving teams but almost had to quit over it.

ApeMan · 05/06/2015 12:43

I think people largely have a problem with "gypsies" stealing stuff from their gardens, running scrap metal rackets, doing building fraud etc. when they are in town - and none of these things are folk misconceptions, but have no interest in offending persons of Romany extraction (if there is much crossover with the persons who cause issues which I highly doubt) or being in any way racist.

I doubt many of them even know of any racial component to being a gypsy/traveller.

CatthiefKeith · 05/06/2015 12:54

Is Ireland in a different timezone to us?

AbbeyRoadCrossing · 05/06/2015 12:58

I know some people in our community cause trouble, but I know people in every community that cause trouble.
I think the difference is a distinction is made in other communities, e.g. there's criminals that are criminals and people that aren't criminals.
The difficulty I face if 'out' is even if I'm in a house, working in an office, paying tax, educated, married late (not as a child) not stealing metal (I wouldn't know what to do with it when I got it home to be honest!) I still have to deal with those stereotypes regularly. Seriously, I had someone say 'we all couldn't read' on here, which was unintentionally hilarious as using an internet forum when you can't read and write would be almost impossible.
It's sad really,I can trace my family to the 1500s in England but we'll always be immigrants (not in a good way) to many. There's also many Romany celebrities that keep it quiet too, which interests me. We could do with some of these respected figures to challenge the stereotypes but I guess like me they feel it's not worth the hassle.
Anyhow, I'll challenge it when I feel comfortable to do so, but in many situations, as I've explained above it'll do me no favours to do so.

AbbeyRoadCrossing · 05/06/2015 13:00

And I seriously doubt a 4 year old child is involved, and should be given benefit of the doubt even if from a 'bad' family (and it doesn't sound like they are)

CatthiefKeith · 05/06/2015 13:08

Abbey, I have a very good friend who is from traveller stock. Circus/showmen specifically. She is 'out' and proud. Anyone that judges you is a twat. My friend lives in a house, most of her family live in trailers, they are lovely people, and have fascinating stories to tell. Never be ashamed of your roots.

I didn't notice anyone slagging Sheila Chipperfield of Elastica fame off in the 90's!

Amber76 · 05/06/2015 16:59

I'm Irish. I was at a christening a few years ago where something bizarre happened.
Most christenings are at set times in churches and the priest may christen a few babies at the same time. We turned up at the church and the parents (my bil and wife) were outside furious because a traveller family were inside and the christening was to be shared with them. My in laws refused to share the church with them (for no reason other than that they were travellers) and the priest agreed to allow them to go away and come back in an hour after the travellers had left! The travellers seemed quiet and were not causing any trouble at all.
This happened in Ireland in 2013!!! Seriously! And I've told this story a few times and about 90% of people seem shocked but there are a few who openly say they would do the same.
And the mum in question honestly considers herself to be open minded - she proudly voted yes to gay marriage recently and went on about how important equality is.... She genuinely doesn't consider hating travellers to be wrong as 'everyone hates them'.

queentroutoftrouts · 05/06/2015 17:03

I haven't read the full thread but are travellers a race? I always assumed that it was a culture
She doesn't sound like a very nice person anyway.

MayPolist · 05/06/2015 17:30

The travellers I have known would have never let their kids go to a non-traveller's house or party.
You don't think the traveller mum told the party mum she wasn't coming, and the party mum felt snubbed and is turning it round? It seems weird she would invite her in the first place otherwise.Surelt her Dc knows the kid is a traveller.

gabsdot45 · 05/06/2015 17:40

Travelers are the lowest on the ladder here. I've heard Africa immigrants in Ireland slagging them off.
The traveling community do have a bad reputation. People think they tend to drink a lot, are often violent and leave a big mess behind them when they leave a camp site. And some do conform to these stereotypes.
In Ireland one of the 9 areas of legal discrimination is being a member of the traveling community.
I am pretty shocked at the OPs experience but totally believe her.

Moreisnnogedag · 05/06/2015 19:37

We have a settled community here in my village. Apart from my neighbour who I know is settled, I wouldn't which of the children in ds class were travellers. I don't know where they live so it's not infeasible the mum didn't know either.

Atenco · 05/06/2015 20:15

Travelers are the lowest on the ladder here. I've heard Africa immigrants in Ireland slagging them off

Reminds me of when I was working in a small town in British Columbia where there was terrible discrimation and stereotyping of the Native Americans. My co-workers were English and Dutch, just over for a summer job, but they quickly fell in with the local racism.

Why are people like that?

Floanna84 · 05/06/2015 20:48

queen under the Equality Act, Romany Gypsies and Irish travellers are a recognised ethnic group. This means that they're protected by law against racial discrimination.

The Equality Act says:

It's race discrimination if you’re treated unfairly because of one of the following things:
colour
nationality
ethnic origin
national origin.

Hope that helps

JustHavinABreak · 05/06/2015 21:19

Amber that is shocking. Shame on the priest for caving in to that. Really "Christian" carry-on, huh?

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