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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not take dd to party due to racism

96 replies

irishmummy22 · 04/06/2015 21:26

Hiya. I've been a lurker for ages. After todays incident I decided to join up to ask your opinion. A mum from my Dd`s school rang me this morning.

My DD is invited to her DD`s bday next week. She said, theres an issue with one of the kids previously invited. The mum had found out that the girl was a member of the travelling community. She was horrified.

She told me that she was telling the girls mum that she wasn't invited anymore because smelly knackers have no place in a clean house.

I was disgusted and told her well, in that case, my dd wont be attending the party because I don't like her attitude. My dh thinks I should have just left it and not said dd wouldn't be going. But im not the kind of person that keeps my mouth shut when I know someone is terribly wrong.

The kids are all 4. Dd isn't terribly fussed about the party tbh. In my opinion life is to short to waste it with people with old fashioned opinions like that.

So, AIBU

OP posts:
villainousbroodmare · 05/06/2015 00:44

Oh, fair play to you, Irishmummy. How extraordinarily thick was that woman to ring you on the obvious assumption that you'd agree with her vicious bitchery?!
I hope that the traveller child is cherished by her settled classmates.

PolkadotsAndMoonbeams · 05/06/2015 00:45

I feel a little sorry did the birthday girl, but then what her mum said wasn't acceptable at all snd you were right to tell her that.

(Around here 'knacker' is old slang for an abattoir - no idea if it's related in any way.)

Atenco · 05/06/2015 01:20

Thumbs up to you, Irish. I'm surprised that people are surprised at the racism towards travellers and gypsies, there was a horrible thread on here the other day where people were saying horrible things about them. I was really shocked at Mumsnet actually because people are usually so anti-racist here.

lagirafe · 05/06/2015 01:59

Well done!

I hate racism.

On a side point - I always thought that travellers had a reputation of being very very clean generally though I'm not sure where I got that from! Confused

DoughDoe · 05/06/2015 02:10

We got invited to a traveller's child's birthday party once, it was a bit weird it was in a pub and there were pork pies and you had to buy your own drinks, and we dutifully turned up clutching a teddy bear as a gift like the middle class that we are but apparently no, it was no gifts.

Soduthen116 · 05/06/2015 02:32

Is it racist? It's bloody nasty but not racist is it? Traveller is a life style choice as is any religious/ cultural choice.

Race is undeniable. It's part of you.

Religion and lifestyle is a choice.

That said I wouldn't be thrilled with my own dds thinking it was great to
Leave formal education at 11/12 and the be all and end all if life was marriage at 16?

It's not an enviable life for a modern woman is it? Domestic violence is swept under the carpet so let's not get carried away with the desire to be right on here.

The woman in question sounds vile and stupid but the traveller girls life isn't In any way what I want my dds to think ok. Stuff the no sex before marriage bollocks.

As for Being 'dirty' just like the rest of the world I imagine some some travellers are and some arnt.

Original poster
irishmummy22 · 05/06/2015 02:36

In all fairness soduthen116 not all travellers are what you described. The traveller woman is a single mother living in a house, with an older child in the middle of his exams.

She isn't bringing her children up like that. Yes, some travellers do. But more and more travellers are changing their traditions.

OP posts:
Original poster
irishmummy22 · 05/06/2015 02:37

Also, I didn't have sex before marriage. Is that bollox???

OP posts:
CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 05/06/2015 02:42

You've swerved both a party hosted by a racist and a soft play party - good result!

Atenco · 05/06/2015 03:08

Is it racist? It's bloody nasty but not racist is it? Traveller is a life style choice as is any religious/ cultural choice

Travellers are an ethnic group, if it were merely a lifestyle choice, the racist would not have refused to have a child who is not following that lifestyle to her party, would she?

Moreisnnogedag · 05/06/2015 03:26

Being a gypsy or traveller is part of someone's ethnic identity. It is not a lifestyle choice. How you live your life is also a lifestyle choice - it is not the gold standard from which others deviate.

Op you did the right thing. I've refused to take my children to see my maternal side of the family back home due to their breathtaking racism (which my mom is totally on my side).

WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat · 05/06/2015 03:38

Well no, op yadnbu.

As an aside though, why did she say that a smelly knacker (which sounds like a disgusting put down btw), shouldn't be allowed into a clean house, if the party is in a soft play gym? Confused

Original poster
irishmummy22 · 05/06/2015 04:18

WhereTheFuck, she lives across from the soft play centre. We were going to her house first for present giving and games and pics

OP posts:
WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat · 05/06/2015 04:22

Ah, ok I understand now, I wondered what she meant or if it was a saying I maybe hadn't heard.

Well, she has made a right royal job of ruining her poor dd's party by the sounds of it! I wonder if she will learn by her mistake? Although in my experience, people with her kind of attitude rarely do! Sadly I'm related to some (not through blood thankfully, so can and do largely avoid, in fact am nc with all but one), and in the past, it didn't matter if anyone pulled them on their attitude/remarks/derogatory language. They were convinced that they were in the right regardless Hmm

LondonZoo · 05/06/2015 04:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertrandRussell · 05/06/2015 05:18

Hmm. So now nobody's going to this little girl's party?

NuggetofPurestGreen · 05/06/2015 07:54

Well done OP. As London says, everyone hates the travellers here, it's awful. Especially when it's people who would be horrified if you called them racist as they aren't about people of other nationalities/colour etc.

CombineBananaFister · 05/06/2015 08:14

I admire your principles but do feel sorry for the little girl whose birthday it is.

I've never had the misfortune to come across someone so blatently racist so I think I would be shocked and not sure how I'd respond but it's not the birthday girls fault that her mothers a twunt iyswim. I'd stand upto her personally, adult to adult, but if Ds never went to any parties of the kids whose parents I believe to be arseholes he wouldn't go to many parties.

Difficult because it was such a horrible thing to say and I think i'd probably ring the other girl up for dinner too.

GymBum · 05/06/2015 09:44

YANBU Op. I wouldn't want my DD to be in a situation with anyone who held such disrespectful and frankly awful views of anyone regardless if ethnicity or religious beliefs.

If this woman thinks it's acceptable to openly express those kind of ignorant thoughts then she probably would think nothing of expressing those views in front of kids. No thanks that's not the sort of person I want to associate with or have my child associating with. Truly awful behaviour.

Well come MN

paulapantsdown · 05/06/2015 09:54

Well done OP.
As a second generation Irish person, who parents came to the UK in the 60's, it never ceases to amaze me how racist Irish people in Ireland can be. The irony being that Irelands main export for hundreds of years has been its young people to every country in the world - a nation of immigrants!

AbbeyRoadCrossing · 05/06/2015 09:58

This thread has really cheered me up. There's so much antiziganism on mumsnet usually (ok, I'm Romany and this is about Irish travellers but in most peoples heads we're the same) and I was worried this thread would go to the same way as so many other threads on here.

For the person asking about if it's racist, I'm in the UK and it would be here www.citizensadvice.org.uk/discrimination/protected-characteristics/gypsies-and-travellers-race-discrimination/

And for those wondering if it's an Irish issue, I don't know about that, but in England by my experience it's the same. Although I think the nasty phrases used are different

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 05/06/2015 10:02

Well yes combine. And you're the only one to show compassion for the little girl.
Yes we can all rightly call the mother but I think as you have done. We all need to to heed of the fact that it's not her dd's fault, so let's not forget their is going to be a very upset child here for her mother's wrong doing. And to be honest I too am a tad ashamed of myself for saying. Oh my child wouldn't be going, forgetting it's an innocent little girl you're hurting. Not saying I would go but maybe I should have chosen my words more carefully
And I do not think children should suffer for their parents sins but then I do t think a child should be punished because of their culture, which what the lady in question is doing.

fedupnorthernmum · 05/06/2015 10:08

Well done you! I am concerned that my daughters school does not have enough diversity and as a result make sure that she comes into contact with as many different cultures as possible, taking her to visit the temple, inviting children and parents from other ethnic groups to take part in our celebrations, decorating a Christmas tree or making decorations etc. I take my hat of to you for contacting the other mum, no doubt you will raise an accepting and tolerant child.

ShaynePunim · 05/06/2015 10:12

YANBU. And well done for being so frank!

GlitzAndGigglesx · 05/06/2015 10:13

What a vile woman she is I'm glad you're all boycotting. A traveller could save her life one day