Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think forgetting certain things is not OK.

54 replies

BeeInYourBonnet · 04/06/2015 18:36

DH has a terrible memory. Partly this is as a result of me enabling him ( I admit to being a total control freak), partly laziness, but actually he also does truly seem to have some real memory issues ( he does worry about it sometimes from a medical POV).

Since I've gone back to work FT, DH has had a lot more family responsibility. He drops DCs off at school, picks up once or twice per week, - homework supervision, DCs hobbies, cooking, packed lunches etc are now shared c50/50, all of which is a HUGE change to this time last year.

A month or two ago DH was late picking the DCs up. He just didn't leave enough time from leaving work, and seemed to think it wasn't a massive problem. I tried to explain it wasn't fair on the DCs or the school, but he was pretty adamant it was just 'one of those things'. This drove me mad!

He's been better since but yesterday he totally forgot to pick the kids up cos he was tied up with work, finally remembered, and got to the school almost half an hour late. I nearly had an apoplexy when I found out. He was very 'shruggy' and 'its no biggy the teacher was fine' and got very defensive when I got cross. He then claimed that 'you know my memory is crap'.

How would you react to this? I feel so furious, and even more cross with the whole 'I'm so forgetful !' stance. Do I need to chill and accept that these things happen, or shall I not rest until DH swears it will never happen again. I feel like I've lost confidence iyswim.

OP posts:
FenellaFellorick · 04/06/2015 18:39

Can he programme reminders into his phone?

BlackeyedSusan · 04/06/2015 18:39

then he has to take responsibility and set an alarm for his days.

Sirzy · 04/06/2015 18:41

It happens, plenty of parents forget to pick up children or are late. It's not ideal but it does happen.

CMOTDibbler · 04/06/2015 18:42

Its not acceptable to just shrug about it, and its totally not acceptable to forget to pick the children up. He (not you) needs to put a plan into place to ensure he doesn't forget again - for instance, a colleague who has a tendency to get immersed in things has a recurring appointment to make her realise its time to go pick the kids up (on work Outlook, which is syncd to iphone). It has multiple reminders set as well.

So putting things in his phone might be something concrete he can do. Or stick post it notes on things - or write it on his hand. Whatever it takes, but it has to be his problem to deal with.

Original poster
BeeInYourBonnet · 04/06/2015 18:42

He has it marked in his calendar at worked but was apparently not at his desk. I will suggest phone alarms.

I just wish I could stop feeling so angry about it. He pointed out that he wouldn't be cross with me in the same situation. And he wouldnt tbf. But it would just never happen with me.

OP posts:
flippinada · 04/06/2015 18:48

I'm not surprised you're angry. The 'so what' attiude to late pick ups is not on.

tomatodizzymum · 04/06/2015 18:49

Of course he wouldn't be cross with you, because he doesn't think it's as serious as you do, that's a no brainer and not a suitable excuse to brush it off. I would point out that thousands of parents the world over have crap memories, but those who also have a conscious responsibility also use a phone alarm Wink

LindyHemming · 04/06/2015 18:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

geekymommy · 04/06/2015 18:53

Do you have to pay for extra time if he's late picking up the DCs from school? At my almost-3-year-old's nursery, they start charging by the minute at a certain point past 6pm. As I understand it, this is not an unusual policy in daycares here. Too many parents were not picking their kids up on time, so the daycares had to get a lot stricter about it.

whatsagoodusername · 04/06/2015 18:57

I have a rubbish sense of time. I could easily miss pick up time, or not realise it's so late and DC would be late for school.

I therefore have alarms set on my phone for a half hour before school run morning times and twenty minutes before pick-up. I don't miss either.

VanitasVanitatum · 04/06/2015 18:59

It's not ideal but I can easily see myself being the same. If you have the kind of mind that forgets stuff it really does just happen - however determined you are. Obviously he needs to set phone alarms to stop it happening again though!

He's probably shrugging from guilt/embarrassment.

Original poster
BeeInYourBonnet · 04/06/2015 19:06

I think he is embarrassed. He knew I was going to 'go off on one', and he was right! He does have a tendency to play down things like this, which just infuriates me.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 04/06/2015 19:08

Does he realise that doing it a couple of times or more will trigger the school to call Social Services?

whathaveiforgottentoday · 04/06/2015 19:09

Yanbu, being late for pick up because you forgot is not on. I have an appalling memory and use routines, reminders etc and did once forget about pick up ( long story and only once in 5 years so far ) but I was mortified and so should be your dh too. We all have things we are crap at but not.taking responsibility for them is not on.

EatDessertFirst · 04/06/2015 19:09

I can't understand how anyone can be so blase about picking up their own children late from school!?!?

The poor DC. They must have felt abandoned! The school staff have enough to do after home time without looking after children whose parents don't prioritise them!

Phone alarms sound like a good idea. Maybe a visit to the GP if there is that much concern about his memory.

Jennifersrabbit · 04/06/2015 19:11

I have a certifiably appalling memory. I forget and screw up all manner of stuff, but I haven't yet missed pick up by half an hour.

He needs to register that this is a key thing not to screw up, and do whatever it takes to remind himself. Phone alarms etc, I agree.

How does he make sure he doesn't forget about work appointments? I bet he has a way?

sonjadog · 04/06/2015 19:13

Actually, I think you should back off and let him get on with it. It sounds like you are still trying to control everything from afar. He still doesn't need to bother because you are doing it for him. Back off. Let him mess up and let him deal with the consequences of his actions himself. The kids may get picked up late and the school may get angry with him. Let him deal with that. Stop trying to organise it all for him.

redshoeblueshoe · 04/06/2015 19:31

"I admit to being a total control freak"
"He knew I was going to go off on one and he was right"

Maybe you should actually treat him like an adult and not a teenager. Of course he shrugged - I expect he knew whatever he said it would be the wrong answer. Having said that - see what he suggests he should do to remind himself, instead of telling him.

ragged · 04/06/2015 19:41

It's not the end of the world.

I would try to constructively suggest some kind of digital reminder, I set my outlook calendar to remind me to go home on time.

Original poster
BeeInYourBonnet · 04/06/2015 20:01

I'm well aware we are stuck in the scenario of:
I excessively control in case DH (or anyone else!) screws up
I try to chill out
DH screws up
DH (rightly) anticipates bollocking and becomes defensive/plays situation down
I freak out and start going back to control freak ways.

^ And this is exactly what my parents do!

OP posts:
ragged · 04/06/2015 20:21

If you think this is bad wait until your kids find ways to purposefully push your control freak buttons. Maybe best to learn coping strategies now.

Fauxlivia · 04/06/2015 20:29

Forgetting to collect your kids from school is a big deal and if it happens frequently the school may phone social services. There is no way on earth I'd just allow my husband to get on with it and deal with the consequences himself.

I would go ballistic. I would also start 'forgetting' things that are important to him!

If he kniws his memory is bad then he is being bloody irresponsible to not set reminders on his phone etc so he can do important things like collect his own kids on time. I would also point out that teachers are not babysitters and it is not their job to provide free childcare for people who cba to sort their lives out.

flippinada · 04/06/2015 21:20

I know some people are just forgetful (tbh I am one so not unsympathetic ) but this is one thing you really can't just be forgetful about.

sonjadog · 04/06/2015 21:21

So he screws up? Does it really matter? Try to get a better sense of proportion about things. Yes, some things are very important. An awful lot of things aren't and if they don't turn out perfect or just the way you want them, life will go on as normal and everything will be fine.

whathaveiforgottentoday · 04/06/2015 23:30

I've been thinking on this as my DH is the controlling one in our relationship and he gets very frustrated with my forgetfulness.
The problem is when I know i've fucked up, I hate when he finds out as I get a lecture and to be honest I'm usually feeling pretty shit about fucking up in the 1st place and getting a telling off from DH won't make the blindest bit of difference, except it makes me feel more shit than I already do. I don't forget things because I don't care, I forget because I struggle to remember stuff.
So back to the OP, perhaps your DH is giving the impression he doesn't care as without a doubt this is what I do with my DH.