To think forgetting certain things is not OK.

[BeeInYourBonnet]

DH has a terrible memory. Partly this is as a result of me enabling him ( I admit to being a total control freak), partly laziness, but actually he also does truly seem to have some real memory issues ( he does worry about it sometimes from a medical POV).

Since I've gone back to work FT, DH has had a lot more family responsibility. He drops DCs off at school, picks up once or twice per week, - homework supervision, DCs hobbies, cooking, packed lunches etc are now shared c50/50, all of which is a HUGE change to this time last year.

A month or two ago DH was late picking the DCs up. He just didn't leave enough time from leaving work, and seemed to think it wasn't a massive problem. I tried to explain it wasn't fair on the DCs or the school, but he was pretty adamant it was just 'one of those things'. This drove me mad!

He's been better since but yesterday he totally forgot to pick the kids up cos he was tied up with work, finally remembered, and got to the school almost half an hour late. I nearly had an apoplexy when I found out. He was very 'shruggy' and 'its no biggy the teacher was fine' and got very defensive when I got cross. He then claimed that 'you know my memory is crap'.

How would you react to this? I feel so furious, and even more cross with the whole 'I'm so forgetful !' stance. Do I need to chill and accept that these things happen, or shall I not rest until DH swears it will never happen again. I feel like I've lost confidence iyswim.

How old are the children? Were they upset that he was late or unconcerned? (It seems the teacher was unconcerned - it won't be the first time a parent has been late and 30 minutes won't be the latest, either.)

It's interested in how you phrase this. If he was 30 minutes late, he didn't "totally forget." He remembered, but remembered too late to be there on time.

Why were you so cross? What was the worst thing that could have happened? Were the children in danger?

I think you're making a lot out of two occasions of being late.

...actually it's less than 30 minutes late, isn't it. 25? 20?

You're both being unreasonable. He needs to take more responsibility and not downplay, and you need to be less controlling. Being furious and more about it is both OTT and unhelpful.
I don't consider myself particularly forgetful, and I think I'm an acceptable enough parent, and I've forgotten DH and I swapped pick up days at least once. And forgotten to pick up early on a half day. I don't think its acceptable to do it but neither is it a huge deal either. The children weren't remotely traumatised (couldn't give a shite, frankly) and the school staff were entirely blase about it as well.

This is the dynamic in mine and DH relationship as well. It helps if he can take a deep breath and register that the world won't stop spinning because I have left my phone on the banisters/not checked car tyres/ failed to fill up with petrol/ forgotten dinner money or any one of a million other insane minor matters.

Continual checking up on me re more major matters is not appreciated either. I'm nearly 40 and need the freedom to fuck things up.

My side of the deal is that I recognise some stuff IS important and use my best efforts to remember those. And that if major screw ups do occur I accept with a good grace.

We have stayed married for eighteen years so must be getting something right

OP I'd be furious as well. I don't think it's control freakery or unreasonable to expect that he picks up his own DCs on time.

By not picking them up on time, he causes extra work for the teachers - they may have said it was ok, and perhaps it is as a very rare occurrence based on exemplary pick ups and drop offs to date, but if it becomes a regular thing, then it will cease to be so.

It may also have caused distress to the DCs - DS is a creature of habit and was very upset the one time I was late ( caused by traffic delay).

I'm sure the whole family enjoys the upside of your f/w work through having increased expendable income, therefore he needs to understand that the commitment to pick up your DCs at the school gate on time is as important as any work one and treat it accordingly.

He should instigate what people have suggested and put a reminder on his phone.

The teacher might have been fine if it was once or twice, but if he starts to make a habit of it, they will, quite rightly be annoyed.

I guess he will remember when Social Services are notified if he continues to do it?

I'd get the kids to keep publicly ribbing him about the time 'Daddy forgot to pick them up from school'

I am sure you will understand as a working parent it's not easy to balance everything and you can forget things, but picking up kids is pretty important!

Yes he needs to get organised but it would be ridiculous to get really angry about it

You need to 'allow' him to do this again. (be late for pick ups.)

Unless he realises the second time that the teacher actually really isn't alright with this lateness for himself, he will continue to do it. I've had to do this kind of thing with my DD12. Being bollocked by someone in charge, rather than being harped at at home has a way of sharpening up a sense of time.

Don't go on at him, you've probably rammed the message home as effectively as you can for now.

He's got to fluff up a few times to realise its his responsibility fully and no ones going to rescue him/kids

He definitely needs to set alarm reminders on his phone as it's embarassing for your DC if he forgets to pick them up and is probably annoying the school no end.

I have multiple alarms because i have 2 kids at different schools plus clubs every night (with various pick up times). The only problem is forgetting to turn the alarms off when i'm on a night out and DH is in charge!

I'm not sure what getting angry/going ballistic achieves, tbh.

OP this is who your DH is. For whatever reason, he forgets things. And that has consequences. If he forgets to collect the DCs from school the consequence affects the DCs and the school staff. So he is unaffected. It's no wonder he shrugs and dismisses it.

But, eventually, as others have said, there might be a consequence that affects him - the school might call Soc Serv and he (along with you as his co parent) will be held accountable.

Unfortunately, you can't change your DH - but you can choose whether you are willing to live your life affected by the consequences of his choices or not. If you don't want to be on the receiving end of the fallout from his poor parenting, then (assuming you don't LTB) you'll have to make up for his shortcomings.

I'd be fuming.

Children are top of the priority list. He should have been there on time and if he wasn't he should have been apologetic about it, not bloody shrugging it off.

Same in this household, although DH has never forgotten the kids! I would be really cross about that too. Its not a small thing.

DS is forgetful. Very. I am controlling too and I have to bite my tongue because he isn't doing it deliberately. It just drives me mad that he acts surprised every time I tell him about something, even though its literally the 5th or 6th time I've said it. I must do a gazillion little tasks a week plus 'big' ones (ok, major exaggeration) and he struggles to remember one thing.

I have accepted that this is the way it is though.
He can't change. We have a big calender (no, he never takes notice but I write on it anyway). I tell him stuff before he leaves in the morning, and remind him during the day by email. Electronic reminders (eg phone ) no good as he leaves it all over the place and never looks at it anyway.

He is now in a routine of collecting the kids 3 nights a week. Because its a routine he is much better at it than random 'events'.
He is still however always surprised when I'm not in a hurry with them on a Thursday morning. I start work late on a Thursday, as I have done every Thursday since September, in order to do the school run. For some reason this has not registered with him. He thinks I'm taking a sneaky day off :o

He will no doubt forget that I have reminded him that the pizza in the fridge needs to be used for their tea tonight, as he forgets every Friday that I've already prepared them something as they are in a hurry and have an activity at 6 (he collects them at 5), and he makes them something else. I have learnt to not to let it wind me up. Take a deep breath. Its minor. The pizza will keep.

DH also has problems with the concept of how long it takes to get somewhere, whereas I'm positively anal about keeping time, so I'm generally early for everything. This therefore winds me up too.

Try to chill, even if your insides are churning. He is probably embarrassed,and that's why he's shrugging it off. Its forgivable but hopefully he will be more aware now.

He needs to stop being selfish and grow up. If his memory really is crap he needs to put things in place to remind him, his memory isn't suddenly going to miraculously recover itself. My phone ism set daily to remind me twice I need to leave to get my son and it is set earlier than I need to go to allow for unforeseen circumstances. While at school it would not be a problem if I was a few minutes late it is taking the piss and the staff have other things to do once 4pm comes round.

My husband has done this before too. It just took him a while to get used to the change routine. He aso very forgetful and there is a lot to remember. It is also difficult to that switch from work mode to parent mode at exactly the right moment. But rest assured, that hasn't happened for a long time now he's used to it.

And don't waste your time expecting him to be wracked with remorse. I don't think men are built that way.

Well obviously he needs to set phone reminders

But if he is naturally forgetful, like I am, I don't think it helps for you to take over remembering for him and I agree that telling him off is not necessarily helpful either. As said by another commentator here, we suffer enough knowing that we've blown it.

I used to get very angry about this kind of thing, and then I realised that (for me) it was partly about social expectations that the mother is supposed to be responsible for ensuring that all domestic tasks are properly organised, and that if my husband screwed up it reflected badly on me and was somehow my fault for not making my husband act in a more organised fashion.

Obviously it's not good for your kids to be forgotten. But I wonder if the best way for him to learn to be more organised is if you stop being/feeling responsible for his planning of these kinds of tasks. After all, if he thinks you're ultimately responsible, and if you also think this way, then he has no real incentive to change his approach. But if he screws up again and the teacher has words with him, he might be more inclined to sort himself out.

Good luck!

If it keeps happening school will report it to social services.

What I don't get is how people forget! I have never ever forgotten to pick up my dc. It's almost programmed into my DNA.

Dh on the other hand forgets all the time. I accuse him of being self absorbed

You just do. You don't make a decision to not bother to go, you just forget for whatever reason.
It's not the end of the world. And social services won't give a bollocks if there aren't any other concerns at all.

Yes I think there are many reasons why I'd be angry with DH if he did this. It's the presumption that if the teacher said it was ok, well great fine, no biggy, except that it is, particularly if it happened more than once.

Thankfully whilst DH tends to forget the low level administrative things I tell him ( read Wifework if you want a fuller explanation of this phenomena) , but he would never not pick up our DS as he knows I'd never forgive him for it.

Having a bad memory isn't the problem, the problem is not caring about being late. If he cared about being late, then knowing he couldn't rely on noticing the time, he'd have a system in place to remind him.

I have this with DH. I could have written the OP myself.

It pisses me off. I'm constantly having to pick up the slack because he's forgotten something.

Stupid things half the time, but it really does annoy me. He doesn't listen properly when you tell him something half the time either. He forgets I'm going out and stays late at work. Forgot to go to a school assembly he'd promised our DD he'd go to. He forgets to attend meetings for his hobby and stuff like that. Forgets to do paperwork and expects me to sort it out, forgot his MOT was due and took my bloody car and expected me to sort it out for him

I'm sick of hearing "sorry, I forgot, you know what my memory is like". I'm naturally terribly forgetful and absent minded, but I have systems in place to ensure I don't forget stuff like this. I have a diary, a calendar, I deal with school letters immediately or I lose/forget them, alarms on my phone, post it notes, shopping lists. Yes, I know what his memory is like, and so does he. Take some fucking responsibility!

He's also very defensive and shruggy about it. Instead of getting his act together and working out the best way to set reminders and ensure he doesn't forget stuff, he just shrugs his shoulders and "sorry, I forgot"

Sorry, rant over.

I'm not enabling it anymore. I've stepped right back and refuse to bail out his fuck ups. If he forgets his MOT, tough it's the bus or walk, if he forgets to pay his hobby subs, tough, I'm not dropping what I'm doing to set up a bank transfer or his membership will be cancelled. He can't compete in an event because he forgot to send the application form through in time? Oh well, there's always next year. He can explain to DD why he forgot her assembly, and if he forgets I'm going out he can sort out a baby sitter.

He doesn't forget this stuff at work - because there isn't anyone there he can rely on. Well, he can't rely on me anymore either

Yes that's why it's annoying isn't it. I have a DH who is perfectly organised at his high powered, high pressure job and also very capable when organising weekends away with his friends or nephews.

Yet if I ask him to pick up DS from school I have to remind him about it. If it mattered to him as much as me then he would remember automatically. Perhaps I should stop reminding him once I have confirmed it initially, but I would hate to think of DS not being picked up.