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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH and his hobby

23 replies

RattusRattus · 04/06/2015 11:57

My DH has a hobby (motorcross) that means he often spends entire weekends in the summer doing the hobby around the country (for 8 weekends). We join him on some weekends, but just watch. The kids and I do not share his interest in it but we go to support him. In principle I agree with him doing this hobby because before it he did nothing so it has been good for him. However, each weekend he has to go to a different circuit and he always takes the friday off to go and test the bikes and practise. So, that's 8 holiday days on his hobby. Two further races are week day races so that is a further 6 days off work (3 days for each race). So he spends 14 days of his 25 days annual leave allocation on his hobby.

Add to the fact the boys skiing holiday in January which was another 3 days off work. So, this year he will have taken 17 days of his annual leave off doing something just for him, and as a result says that he can't come to school events during the day because he can't take any more time off.

This is taking the piss isn't it?

OP posts:

JeanSeberg · 04/06/2015 12:01

Yes it's massively taking the piss.

I'd start making yourself unable during that time so he can't go.

When are you taking your 17 days of child-free hobby time this year?

ExitPursuedByABear · 04/06/2015 12:03

Cheeky fecker.

NRomanoff · 04/06/2015 12:06

I have a hobby that takes up quite a bit of time....but this is taking the piss. I am all for having hobbies, even quite involved ones. I spend at least an hour and a half, 6 days a week doing mine. But its always before th kids get up or when they go to bed. It doesn't impact our lives at all. And if the odd days its does, I don't do it.

The balance is all wrong here.

Original poster

RattusRattus · 04/06/2015 12:07

Good question Jean. I work too and only have MIL (who lives 100 miles away) to look after the kids because he won't take time off work to look after them should I want to take any time off. I took one day last year. He says I'm being a martyr despite there being no reasonable or realistic childcare option.

DH thinks we have to be sparing in how often we ask MIL to look after the kids because we can't take the piss. Yes, the irony of this is NOT lost on me.

OP posts:

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 04/06/2015 12:08

Definitely taking the piss. He is spending two thirds of his holiday doing things that only he wants to do.

HoggleHoggle · 04/06/2015 12:17

Really out of order. Why doesn't he want to go to the dcs stuff? It should be a pleasure to take time off for that.

I can't even imagine how exhausted you must be to have only had one day off last year. That is ridiculous and absolutely can't continue. It's not at all fair.

Original poster

RattusRattus · 04/06/2015 12:27

We to be frank some of the kids events are a bit boring (end of term awards ceremony) so I can see why he's not massively keen. But IMO you just turn up to these things regardless.

Don't get me wrong - I do have time off. I work part time and he's very hands on with the kids at weekends when he's not racing. But the days I don't work I sort the house / cook etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

RattusRattus · 04/06/2015 12:28

*Well - not we.

OP posts:

JeanSeberg · 04/06/2015 12:31

It always pisses me off when the man assumes the woman/mother is the default childcarer so that he can come and go as he pleases.

Ask him how much hobby time he thinks he'll have when you divorce and he has the kids 50-50 split.

AnyoneForTennis · 04/06/2015 12:37

He'll just drag the kids along if they divorced and he had to step up. Men like this always do

What do you intend to do about this op?

WayneRooneysHair · 04/06/2015 12:42

I don't see anything wrong with it as long as he is hands on when he is at home, it's his holiday at the end of the day.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 04/06/2015 12:55

"WayneRooneysHair
I don't see anything wrong with it as long as he is hands on when he is at home, it's his holiday at the end of the day."

Seriously!. I am the WOHP parent in our family and you think it would be OK for me to say to DH I am going to use 2/3rd of my annual leave this year doing stuff only I want to do and you can look after the DC.

patterkiller · 04/06/2015 13:00

He sounds very like my DF, as an adult I have a shit relationship with him, his needs were always first and I also resent my mother for totally indulging him and for Dragging us around the country when I wanted to be at home with my mates.

expatinscotland · 04/06/2015 13:02

Yeah, he is majorly taking the piss.

IKnowRight · 04/06/2015 13:14

Totally taking the piss. He's getting way more child free downtime than you are by the sounds of things.

What would happen if you were to decide you were going away for a few days on your own?

musicmaiden · 04/06/2015 13:47

Surely this is not all an all-or-nothing hobby and he can choose when he competes?

I would lay down the law and say the kids must come first and he must attend at least some of the children's events, therefore that holiday must be accounted for before any hobby.

I think it's reasonable for him to swerve the non-essentials like prize-givings and so on as long as you are able to be there, but he must attend the more important things like concerts and plays etc – you will know which ones.

And all weekend every weekend all summer? He is missing out on an awful lot of time in with his family during this lovely season. I would not be impressed.

Original poster

RattusRattus · 04/06/2015 13:51

I don't really know what I intend to do about it. I have told him that I refuse to go to all of the weekends now, and that if the kids have a party or anything then that will take priority. He will still race and I'll be at home with the kids.

As for me... well I've no idea. What I really want to do is go to a health retreat in Portugal for a week but as I can't take leave during term times (I work in education) it means if I do this then anyone who looks after the kids will have their hands full because of it being school holidays.

OP posts:

Original poster

RattusRattus · 04/06/2015 13:54

It is not all the weekends - it is 8 weekends between April and September, plus two mid-week races.

It is not the face that it is the weekends, really. It is the taking the Fridays and the days for the mid week races and thereby using up his annual leave.

OP posts:

WayneRooneysHair · 04/06/2015 14:03

I'm presuming that he did this hobby prior to having children? I understand that he needs to tone it down but saying 'what are you going to do about it?' sounds controlling.

Original poster

RattusRattus · 04/06/2015 20:14

No, it's quite a new hobby.

OP posts:

SouthBySouthWest · 04/06/2015 20:25

I would be majorly fucked off in your shoes. I spend all my annual leave on childcare or family holidays, so if my DH was using his for his own benefit, well, he wouldn't be my 'D'H.

Things change when you agree to have kids together. The operative word here is 'together'. You share the responsibility.

Spadequeen · 04/06/2015 20:30

Massively talking the piss, I wouldn't be at all happy.

Dh had a hobby that took up a lot of his time when the dc were young, it didn't involve him taking time off work, but was a full on weekend thing, that pissed me off, he tones it down and things were (and are ) a lot better.

Holidays are for us all to manage, for us to spend time as a family or to work out childcare arrangements, not for him to piss away on himself.

I would definitely be having words

Skiptonlass · 04/06/2015 20:43

I had one like this. Used almost every single day of his holiday on the hobby. I pleaded for one week together, even a cheap week camping. He did indeed take me camping, to the start of one of his races. Then on day three he announced we'd have to go home because he had no more vacation left.

Reader, I did not marry him.

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