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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my friend?

84 replies

Confusedandworriedwoman · 03/06/2015 18:02

Don't know what happened when I posted this earlier!

I have an extremely close friend, been mates for years. With work schedules and city moves and other stuff, there is an ebb and flow of how much we get to socialise and catch up on the phone.

This year we had been in touch quite a lot, and had a couple of mini breaks away together, all good. I asked her if she fancied going on hols to Ibiza in August and she was up for that. I also asked her to a spa weekend with my cousin and she said she wanted to come.

I changed job then and suddenly life got a lot more difficult, I'm not getting on well in the job and have mentioned this casually to my mate. I tend to withdraw into myself when things are hard and so I haven't been taking her calls. I just counted and over the past month she has tried to call me EIGHTEEN times. What the fuck? The last couple of messages have been that she is worried about me as she knows that I'm having some serious family problems too and she's wondering if everything is ok with me. Also wanting to know if the holidays are still on.

Honestly, I feel bad in one way because it was me that suggested booking the trips away in the first place and I have suddenly cut off contact. Not ideal I know. That said I think she's got the message now because I haven't heard from her in a few days.

But 18 calls in a month, plus a few texts, is not ok is it? Surely she could have got the hint after um maybe 5?

Are we both BU? Or is it just her or just me?

I do like her, we are very close, but not sure if I want this friendship anymore even though it's been great in the past.

OP posts:
ReginaBlitz · 03/06/2015 18:14

Wow I wish you were my friend, aren't you lovely

Patapouf · 03/06/2015 18:14

YABU and inconsiderate, you don't deserve that friend.

Aermingers · 03/06/2015 18:15

2-3 calls a day over a month is 60-90 calls. Not 18.

Original poster
Confusedandworriedwoman · 03/06/2015 18:15

I have namechanged. It's not my first post here at all.

Thank you for the replies.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedandworriedwoman · 03/06/2015 18:16

It was not every day that she called. So it was actually 18. Aermingers I don't know why you are so desperate to say I'm a troll Hmm

OP posts:
chairmeoh · 03/06/2015 18:19

I understand the desire to 'bunker down' when life is getting a bit much.

I also understand why your friend has been worried about not hearing from you. She cares. She may also need to know if the hols is on or not so that she can book annual leave.

She's being a good friend. I'm sure you realise that you are not at the moment.

Drop her a text to say you're sorry you've not been in touch. You're feeling a bit overwhelmed with life at the moment but will be back on form soon and looking forward to seeing her. Ask her for her patience while you sort your head and apologise for ignoring her attempts to get in touch.

And say that you hope all is well with her.

MerryMarigold · 03/06/2015 18:21

Assuming this is genuine YABVU. Maybe your friend has finally got the hint, and isn't your friend anymore. I can't believe you couldn't manage a short text or email to say, "I am fine, but don't feel able to talk to people right now." Even that would be worrying, but at least she would know. Maybe she got another offer an a holiday and wanted to check with you if it was definitely on...you are being very selfish.

OP, if you are genuine, I think this depression is out of hand and you need help. You can tell from people's reactions that this is really not 'normal' behaviour so either a fabricated situation, or you're genuinely in a v bad place. You do not just cut off friends who have quite involved in your life, and who you have made plans with.

NinaSharp · 03/06/2015 18:23

YABU.

I friend did this to me a few years back. Nearly killed the friendship because it left me feeling as though I had done something to upset her. Escalated really quickly. I called and texted as usual, she didn't respond, I left a message saying I was worried and was she ok, and her DH called to tell me stop pestering his wife and it was perfectly bloody obvious she just wanted some 'me' time.

Er, no it wasn't she just suddenly stopped contact Confused

YANBU to want some space. But just send a bloody text, woman, saying you 're feeling a bit stressed and need some alone time.

I can't believe someone would be pissed off that their friend cares for them.

I really hope this is a reverse...

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 03/06/2015 18:24

Your poor friend Sad

Italiangreyhound · 03/06/2015 18:25

I am really shocked. You made plans with a long term friend and now have just stopped taking her calls and hope she takes the hint! And you wonder if it is you or her who is being unreasonable! It is you.

Please tell your friend you are OK, or not, as the case may be, and whether you will be going on these spa trips, or not, as the case may be.

BabyMurloc · 03/06/2015 18:27

I can't believe no one has pulled this up yet that I've seen but the main issue here that screams out to me OP is that you are showing several classic signs of depression: withdrawal, irrationality and loss of desire to even talk to people let alone do anything.

You admit you have got a new job and have suddenly dropped ALL contact with someone you were close with and have booked holidays with etc. This not usual behaviour.

Calling 2-3 times a day then leaving it a few days and doing same again, total of 18 calls in a month is NOT unreasonable imo. If I was your friend I would do the same and I would be upset right now wondering what the hell I had done wrong. It is not normal behaviour to suddenly ignore all contact from a close friend. You have mentioned things are difficult at work. I imagine this friend wants to HELP you through this and make sure you are ok. That is all.

You say you don't want this friendship anymore. Why? Because she called a few times as she's worried about you? This really really sounds like I do when I am in a bad place.

Please please please go and see a doc and see what they say. I suspect you may need some help to get past this; be it medicine, a change in circumstances or councelling. There are people who care about you, please let them help you.

MerryMarigold · 03/06/2015 18:29

Baby, I picked it up too!

OhEmGeee · 03/06/2015 18:29

Yabu and a crap friend. You could at least text and say why you have gone quiet rather than just ignoring her.

Of course she's wondering if the holidays are still happening as she's probably wondering what the hell is going on as you've cut her off.

FenellaFellorick · 03/06/2015 18:30

You really owe her some communication. Even just a short email. You are typing it out on here, so you can type an email to her. You wouldn't like this done to you, I am sure. She is worried about you. Even a short note to say you are ok, struggling a bit, don't worry, perhaps even letting her know where she stands re the holiday.

It's not too much to do.

SirChenjin · 03/06/2015 18:35

YABVU.

You're capable of posting about it on MN, you're capable of dropping your friend a short text. You've effectively dumped her after making arrangements for 2 holidays - you owe her one minute of your life to text her an explanation.

Orange6358 · 03/06/2015 18:36

Why didn't you just text her and say 'sorry for not responding to your calls, I'm not in a good place right now. I know you're worried. Would you mind if we delayed the holidays away?'

Orange6358 · 03/06/2015 18:38

Your poor close friend is really worried about you and is waiting on you for her holiday plans. How rude and selfish it is to blank her. You've got done serious grovelling to do by text or email

WhoNickedMyName · 03/06/2015 18:38

this has got to be a reverse. surely nobody is that lacking in insight.

GrannyWeatherwax2015 · 03/06/2015 18:40

OP please let your friend let know you are okay, even if it's just a brief text.

An ex friend of mine phoned me 12 times a DAY plus texts, that to me is too much.

ttc2015 · 03/06/2015 18:45

She's worried about you, that's how friends are when they know something is wrong. Friends don't ignore another friends worry, you could easily text 'can I call you back another time, feeling really crap right now and just need some me time, hope you are okay'.

You look like you are phasing her out, don't be surprised if she gives up soon. I did that and the response was: "everyone stopped calling me'. No shit, you ignored them for months and acted like you weren't interested in friendship any more. While you were going through shit, so were they and they aren't interested in friends who act like they aren't your friends."

UptheChimney · 03/06/2015 18:45

18 times in 4 weeks is about 4-5 times a week. Not even once a day. Guiven that you had organised or said you would organise two substantial trips away, I don't think your friend is being UR. It's you who is being spectacularly rude.

You can't talk to a close friend, or even return a call, but you can splurge it all to strangers on a messageboard?

YABU.

NinaSharp · 03/06/2015 18:49

Thing is, even if this is a reverse, there's still someone acting like this!

andthenagain · 03/06/2015 18:49

YABVVU..

you are so very lucky to have a friend that actually cares

wannaBe · 03/06/2015 18:50

if you are a regular op then you will know that mn is full of threads where people have been dropped by friends without explanation, and how much that hurts. yet you drop this friend for no good reason and you think she is the one being unreasonable for calling? Err, no.

You haven't had time to send a text message, but you've had time to:

either create a mn account or namechange on the one you have.

Create a thread

post on it several times.... to complete strangers.

And yet you haven't had time to send a text? Right. Hmm

If you're for real then your friend will be better off without you in her life. If you're not then this is a couple of minutes of my life I'll never get back. Time in which I perhaps could have been texting real friends in the real world Wink

HoldYerWhist · 03/06/2015 18:57

Reverse or WTMN I say.