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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for time off for egg donation?

73 replies

phoenixrose314 · 03/06/2015 05:52

I decided to become an altruistic egg donor back in December. Hubby and I decided we weren't going to have any more children, but I was once told I couldn't have children and then got lucky, so I wanted to "pass on the karma" or something and give another couple a chance at having their family. I got matched to a couple through an agency, it took a long time to go through all the testing, I went on the pill to match me up to a couple, fast forward six months and we're finally at the point where I am ready to donate and the recipient is ready to receive.

I am a teacher, and I told the agency from the start that it would have to fit around work as I don't believe in taking time off when not needed, the children I teach need consistency and need me to be there. All was going well and we were scheduled for half term for egg collection... all my appointments for the many, many blood tests and ultrasounds were late after school or on weekends and then into the half term. Then it came to light that I wasn't having enough FSH and my eggs weren't developing quickly enough, so I had to up my dose and the date for egg collection was pushed back... INTO term time.

Now the doctors asked me to do it yesterday, but I said no because it was the kids' first day back after half term, so I arranged it for today during my release time (I have from 11.30 onwards today free for planning and assessment time). I figured that way, nobody needs to make any arrangements, I can just get it done. Only I forgot that we have a staff meeting after school, which usually I would need to be back for if I am off site during that time.

So I put in a request to my Head to have the time off (just for the staff meeting). I knew it was very last minute, but as she didn't need to bring in anybody to cover me as I was supposed to be out anyway, I didn't think it would matter.

I got pulled into her office at the end of the day yesterday and read the riot act about taking time off for personal reasons, that my release time is not to do whatever I like with (directly contradicting what she said to me last year which was that I can do what I like in my release time as long as the work gets done), that she has no inclination or grounds to grant me the time off, that staff meetings are not optional (er, I do know that, that's why I asked for time off). She then asked me if I was "done" after the appointment and I said yes, and she asked if it was for me, and I said no. She pulled a face that clearly said she wasn't impressed with that answer. She granted me the time, but said quite clearly that I am not to ask for anything like this again.

I do realise it was last minute, but I chose a time that I thought wouldn't have been a problem, I have been to so many appointments around work to try to not let it affect my work life at all, the original egg collection was supposed to happen in the holidays so it would never have affected it at all, and I just feel like she was ripping me apart, almost making me feel SELFISH for doing it!

I was in tears most of the evening yesterday. I am aware that with all the hormones I've been having to inject, I am probably more sensitive than usual, but I just can't believe how horrible she was. I could understand if she'd said "Look, given that you're doing this for someone else and not yourself, there's no real grounds for me to grant you this request", but she honestly just laid into me like I was doing it for fun, or to get out of work. It's not actually been very fun feeling bloated and injecting myself twice a day and being hormonal and being exhausted from travelling to and from London every other day.

So... am I being unreasonable, or was she?

OP posts:

paxtecum · 03/06/2015 06:04

She's trying to run a good school and get good results so I can see her concerns about you missing a staff meeting but maybe she could have been nicer about it.

MirandaWest · 03/06/2015 06:09

I can't see why she needed to be like that about it at all. Yes, attending staff meetings is the overall best thing to do, but if someone is ill, or on a course, or on an extended school trip then they wouldn't be able to go and I very much doubt the world would end.

DamnBamboo · 03/06/2015 06:31

I suppose the problem she has it 'what is a worthy cause'? Certainly you feel yours is, but somebody else might feel that something else completely different is also worthy and where do you draw the line.

You should have just gone sick TBH, if it's a one off.

I don't think YABU but I don't think she is either.

bsmirched · 03/06/2015 06:43

I really doubt you'll be in a fit state for work for 48 hours to be honest. Egg collection isn't the easiest procedure.

Fauxlivia · 03/06/2015 06:44

yanbu at all. Your head was a complete cow - there's never a justification for laying into a person who is trying to do a good thing and who has minimised disruption at work.

The world won't end if you miss a staff meeting. She is just being horrible for the sake of it. Teachers do lots of work in their own time, so a little bit of flexibility would have been reasonable. If only to engender good will amongst the staff, which is necessary to the running of a decent school. Shortsighted on her part imo.

If you do this again, don't ask, just tell her you have a medical appt. The details are none of her business.

I hope you and your couple have a positive outcome. You are doing an amazing thing

DamnBamboo · 03/06/2015 06:47

there's never a justification for laying into a person who is trying to do a good thing and who has minimised disruption at work

disagree completely!

So what if someone is trying to do a good thing. Not fulfilling your work hours, shouldn't be about morals should it.

FWIW OP, your situation is not what I'm referring to given how you've described your day. Although I hadn't considered your needing a day or so off after the event, which clearly would not be an acceptable use of sick-days

NRomanoff · 03/06/2015 06:50

There was no need for her to be that way with you. But also, I wouldn't expect to take time off for this. I do work for charity, I don't expect my work to allow me time off for it, iyswim. Its all arranged outside my working hours.

Is she usually like this? Or has there been similar problems with you or other staff before. IE not going to meetings, a lot of people calling in sick? I am not saying that makes it ok, but it has possibly added to it.

Stealthpolarbear · 03/06/2015 06:53

I'm genuinely torn on this one. Sounds like your head overreacted but in can't decide if I think she has a point

dragonfly007 · 03/06/2015 06:54

I would not offer such personal information to an employer, obviously they have a very different agenda with a focus on business. I can understand why your head was cross, cancelling a meeting last minute is never good. However, you are doing a good thing and shouldn't be stressed by the challenges as priorities cross, take it for what it is and move on. Next time, throw a sicky and don't volunteer information to your employer.

Smudgeandpudge · 03/06/2015 06:56

I think she's being very unreasonable. Missing one work meeting is not the end of the world. I have cancer and, along with many other young people I know, I'm gutted it may have affected my fertility. What you're doing is a lovely, lovely thing. I've had my eggs collected and all the appointments were at pain I'm the arse. To do it for someone else is wonderful.

minibmw2010 · 03/06/2015 07:24

It's easy to see both sides but I think your Head was pretty tough on you. But when those eggs need collecting it has to happen then !! Otherwise they become too mature and it was all for nothing. You'll be fine for work the next day, just rest afterwards. I've had several and it's been fine.

diddl · 03/06/2015 07:29

Well it is only the second day back after a break so I can see why she was pissed off.

You've done your best for all appointments to happen outside of work, but it is still something that you have chosen to do.

fiveacres · 03/06/2015 07:34

It was only one meeting.

YANBU.

I'd be inclined to say you are unwell in the future.

I am not one of these 'oh poor teacher' sorts but I do think people forget that as lovely as the holidays are, they completely lack any sort of flexibility in this respect.

Balaboosta · 03/06/2015 07:37

I think you are being very lovely to think of doing this for someone else but a bit U and definitely niaive if you think you can fit this around your work. This stuff requires serious time and energy. If you aren't in a position to give that freely and flexibly then I think this project is a bit of a non-starter.

TheAwfulDaughter · 03/06/2015 07:48

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fiveacres · 03/06/2015 07:55

'PPA is not for nipping out for medical appointments'

I was under the impression it was for whatever the teacher wanted to use it for.

prepperpig · 03/06/2015 08:01

Legally you are having a surgical procedure and if the doctor says you are unfit for work as a result then you are unfit for work and can have the time off as sickness absence, claiming ssp if you're off long enough to qualify. Same with elective surgery like breast augmentation.

Many employers will not be at all impressed since you are voluntarily absenting yourself due to incapacity but that's the law (I'm an employment lawyer)

Next time take it as sick leave without the further explanation.

TheAwfulDaughter · 03/06/2015 08:04

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ilovesooty · 03/06/2015 08:08

I believe going out during PPA is at the head's discretion and missing a staff meeting is too.
You could have cited a medical appointment which would have been the truth. Going sick would have been a lie.
In my last school if you'd cited a medical appointment you'd have had to tell the head exactly what the medical appointment was for before it was granted.

I'm inclined to say this comes under the same category as charity work and would have been better planned for the summer holidays. Half term doesn't give enough of a window for error. I think the head was probably justifiably annoyed in that case.

NRomanoff · 03/06/2015 08:10

Same with elective surgery like breast augmentation.

Can you link this as my friends employer won't let her take time off, sick, for elective surgery. I want to send it to her.

ilovesooty · 03/06/2015 08:10

Cross post with the employment lawyer - apologies.

It is elective though and I'd expect the head to be unimpressed.

fiveacres · 03/06/2015 08:11

It always was when I was teaching, TheAwfulDaughter. I used to do my Sainsburys shop! I've been out a few years though,

Babymamamama · 03/06/2015 08:13

I'm not sure either. Certainly I'm in admiration for your altruistic motives. What a wonderful thing to do. But Im just not sure if you are employment that it's your employers' duty to support no matter what. I don't think I would assume that in my job where being off has repercussions on others. I guess it's a kind of elective surgery albeit for good reasons so maybe it should be done on your own time. I do appreciate that you tried to do this in your original planning. Hope you work it out anyway. And all good wishes for the procedure.

prepperpig · 03/06/2015 08:13

www.legislation.gov.uk/uksi/1982/894/regulation/2/made

Not particularly user friendly since this is the source legislation but it basically says that if a doctor signs you off as unfit to work due to needing to convalesce then you potentially qualify for ssp.

Personally I think its taking the piss and anyone having a boob job should take the time off as annual leave, but I advise on the law I don't make it.

prepperpig · 03/06/2015 08:17

In the same way, I think its wrong to have arranged something like this knowing that it might happen during term time. You may have altruistic intentions but you're asking your employer to pick up the tab for them.

And nobody should use their PPA time to do their sainsburys shop unless they want to risk disciplinary action.

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