To think once a week is too often?

[Allolla]

New poster but long-time lurker. I think I am overtired and probably being a shrewish martyr as a result. Come on, tell me I'm a cow!

DH and I have a 7 month-old, our first child. For many years before our baby arrived, DH did an activity with several friends every Friday night. (If I say what, it will probably identify me, but there's no booze or drugs involved.) I was fine with this as I would socialise with his friends' partners at the same time.

Now the baby is here, DH has continued with the activity each week and I stay at home with the baby. I am still on maternity leave, and DH argues that I get to socialise with other mums all week, whereas Friday night is the only social time he gets. My counter-argument is that me chatting to other mums (who I've only come to know recently) is like him chatting to his colleagues (with whom he is friendly) at morning coffee and lunch.

I have had two breaks from the baby since he was born: for a quick lunch with a friend, and for a haircut. Aside from his weekly activity, DH also takes time out for regular exercise, which I would love to do but never have the baby-free time.

I would like DH's activity to be less frequent - say once a fortnight or month - so that I could see friends without the baby now and again, or simply have some down time with DH where we're not rushing to get ready for the next day. If I went out every Saturday night, we would have no time as a couple. To top it all off, DH has committed to do his activity all day this coming Saturday too, even though we made plans to go to a family event months ago.

Other info which may be relevant:

• Baby still up several times a night and sleeps poorly during the day. Baby will often only sleep on me, limiting how much housework I can do during the day. Takes a while to get him to sleep, so using a babysitter would be tricky.
• Money is okay, but a regular cleaner would be a stretch.
• I do all the night wakings during the week and, as baby mostly breastfed, at weekends too. DH looks after the baby for a couple of hours on a Saturday morning so I can catch up on sleep.
• We have no wider family support.
• I have had severe PND (hospitalised briefly) and DH is currently suffering from stress (dislikes some parts of his job and new baby/ill wife). DH feels I don't appreciate how hard his job is.
• There have been Fridays when I was really struggling with the baby during the early colic months and DH went out anyway. Once, I begged him to come home and he did, but said I had embarrassed him in front of friends. Tbh, this really hurt me as I had no one else to turn to. I've told him so but he doesn't see the big deal.
• DH otherwise good at pulling his weight around the house, changing nappies, playing with baby while I do housework/pump milk, etc.
• Baby was a long time coming and we discussed division of labour at length, but clearly neither of us appreciated the reality.

I think your update changes things a lot. He sounds so wrapped up in his own stresses that he is not giving you the support you need and deserve.

This isn't really about Friday night out, its about the whole package. Even if he stayed in on Friday it wouldn't solve the problem that you don't feel you can trust him because of his temper. I am glad to hear he his getting counselling but I am wondering what support you have other than your DH. Do you have anyone you can turn to in real life. Your current situation sounds like a bit of a pressure cooker and I suspect you both need time and space to get away from it.

YANBU

It's hard when your DH isn't supportive. I had to train DH by way of leaving him on his own at home with DD for an afternoon. I got a couple of phone calls and didn't answer them. DD and DH both survived and I'm still married to DH. It was the best thing I could have done for me, DH and our children.

Sod the cleaner. Use the money for a babysitter and go out on a date on Saturday night. Let him have a couple of drinks and then have a short conversation about what you need him to do so you can be his fun wife again. My DH is a whole lot more receptive to negative feedback with a glass of wine in his tummy and a happy wife infront of him.

If that fails try 'Happy wife, happy life!' and if that fails 'You won't be doing your sodding hobby if your paying alimony so start helping me out!'

Having read your last post I would recommend x1000 getting some high quality paid childcare, because if you don't feel you can trust your DH (and I wouldn't either) and you have no family around, that's an awesome responsibility to take on, 24/7.

I hope you get some good support in Relationships, and best of luck.

I'm going to go against the grain and say YANBU OP.

You both used to socialise on a Friday night, but now the baby is here it's only you that's expected to stay home every Friday.

Relationships, marriage, parenthood, they all require compromise. Yet he is carrying on with his usual arrangement while your usual time to yourself has pretty much ceased to exist. The fairest thing would be to alternate Friday nights so you both get a break.

Yes he goes to work, and you go to baby groups, but you are still with the baby, caring for the baby, watching the baby, feeding the baby, changing the baby, etc, as are all the other parents at the group, and that's very different to going out on a proper grown-up, child-free night out.

If he doesn't agree that baby group is different to a night out alone, suggest he takes the baby with him one Friday night and see how that goes.

Someone commented "happy wife, happy life" and actually that sounds funny but it's true.

At the moment it sounds like your entire life is as 'mum' and you need to make time to be Allolla as well. Everybody needs a bit of time to themselves to feel happy and, as you are both parents now, if that means he has to spend less time with his hobby and more time with his child so you get your share of child-free time then I don't see what's unreasonable about that. He does need his time, but you need yours. And now you have a child that means you both compromise to work out how best to make that happen.

I missed your last post.

You sound like you're living on the edge more than anything else. You're certainly not a petty bitch.

But I don't think giving up all your own free time so he can spend time on his hobby is going to fix things.

Not if he has a vile temper that has made you worried to leave him with the baby. He needs to do something to change that, but instead you are trying to manage his behaviour at your own expense. You're going to wear yourself out with that.

I don't know what to suggest. It's easy to say LTB when it's not your own situation, harder to do when you're the one living in the situation.

But if you're spending your life trying to manage someone else's mood swings and stress you are going to make yourself ill. You should feel safe in your own home. You should feel safe leaving your baby with it's father.

Is he only 'seeking' counselling or is he actually 'having' counselling?

OP i 'm sorry to ask this but when you say 'no family support' do you mean at all or do you have family but not local?
If the latter can you visit them for a bit?

Does his hobby cost money? Does he also go to gym?
Imo none of you need gym, you can take turns and go running. You can even buy a second hand 3 wheels buggy and he/you run with the baby.

Use the money for babysitter or mothers help. even just half day per
week. You had PND you need a bit head space alone with no baby.
If you can afford one hobby and 2 X gyms then you can afford 4 hours sitter!

We are our own worst enemies sometimes. Stop waiting for him to 'get'' your tiredness and frustration, being told something is not the same as experiencing it. Having breasts and a vagina doesn't make you more capable, experience does. Leaving the house when he's holding the baby is not akin to dropping him in the Amazon with only a pen knife the more times he's in 'sole' charge the more capable he will become.

I've been there and there are no medals for martyrdom, only resentment and frustration. Get out of the house woman!

Could you invite friends over on a fri eve? Get a take away with them, watch a DVD? Drink wine? Eat ice cream? Then Fridays could be social for you too?

In it's simplest form, once a week for a hobby is not much so YABU. However, the every day exercising and lack of empathy etc make it v hard for you so YANBU. I will never forget how stressed out I used to be of DH was late home from work when dc were tiny. Sometimes you just need some teamwork.

Jesus wept, I just don't understand these people saying YABU! Maybe my view is clouded after suffering Pnd myself but you are ill. Your husbands focus should be on his ill wife and child. I couldn't imagine my husband (or myself) going out every Friday night, especially when I was unwell. Fri and sat nights, realistically are the only time we get together as week days are taken over with normal work/ family life.
Do not think you are a petty bitch as you most certainly are not. If you were physically ill, I'm sure he wouldn't be rushing out the door every Friday. A weekly exercise class or you going out on a Saturday isn't going to give you the opportunity to fix the clear issues with your husband. Focus on yourself and your baby OP he is being totally unreasonable in my opinion and not showing any understanding of how difficult life is for you.

I've been where you are op its so bloody tough to not feel like a "petty bitch"

I'm almost out the other side now. My dp and I split up for awhile and are still not living together. His lack of support and selfishness tipped me over the edge. He didn't see or want to see how ill I was.

I don't have advice as such but I hope things get better for you soon

I am shocked at the responses saying YABU.

OP, YANBU at all. He is being unreasonable. After your most recent update, I would be afraid to leave him alone with that baby. I also don't get the responses saying go out to the gym when he gets home from work. Jees, you're up all night with the baby, you get no break at all and then people tell you to go to a bloody exercise class at night? WTAF?! You're sleep deprived - heading out to an exercise class late in the evening is way down the priority list when you're sleep deprived.

Regarding Friday nights, you need to alternate Fridays. His life has not changed at all since baby arrived, yours has as you're carrying the full workload pretty much, with zero time to yourself. And your husband has a brass neck to suggest that your time at a baby/mum group is time off! What a plonker. He has to compromise now that he has a family, especially with an ill wife. Please do not think you are being unreasonable. I am disgusted that he said you embarrassed him because he had to come home early one night - what a selfish twat.