To think once a week is too often?

[Allolla]

New poster but long-time lurker. I think I am overtired and probably being a shrewish martyr as a result. Come on, tell me I'm a cow!

DH and I have a 7 month-old, our first child. For many years before our baby arrived, DH did an activity with several friends every Friday night. (If I say what, it will probably identify me, but there's no booze or drugs involved.) I was fine with this as I would socialise with his friends' partners at the same time.

Now the baby is here, DH has continued with the activity each week and I stay at home with the baby. I am still on maternity leave, and DH argues that I get to socialise with other mums all week, whereas Friday night is the only social time he gets. My counter-argument is that me chatting to other mums (who I've only come to know recently) is like him chatting to his colleagues (with whom he is friendly) at morning coffee and lunch.

I have had two breaks from the baby since he was born: for a quick lunch with a friend, and for a haircut. Aside from his weekly activity, DH also takes time out for regular exercise, which I would love to do but never have the baby-free time.

I would like DH's activity to be less frequent - say once a fortnight or month - so that I could see friends without the baby now and again, or simply have some down time with DH where we're not rushing to get ready for the next day. If I went out every Saturday night, we would have no time as a couple. To top it all off, DH has committed to do his activity all day this coming Saturday too, even though we made plans to go to a family event months ago.

Other info which may be relevant:

• Baby still up several times a night and sleeps poorly during the day. Baby will often only sleep on me, limiting how much housework I can do during the day. Takes a while to get him to sleep, so using a babysitter would be tricky.
• Money is okay, but a regular cleaner would be a stretch.
• I do all the night wakings during the week and, as baby mostly breastfed, at weekends too. DH looks after the baby for a couple of hours on a Saturday morning so I can catch up on sleep.
• We have no wider family support.
• I have had severe PND (hospitalised briefly) and DH is currently suffering from stress (dislikes some parts of his job and new baby/ill wife). DH feels I don't appreciate how hard his job is.
• There have been Fridays when I was really struggling with the baby during the early colic months and DH went out anyway. Once, I begged him to come home and he did, but said I had embarrassed him in front of friends. Tbh, this really hurt me as I had no one else to turn to. I've told him so but he doesn't see the big deal.
• DH otherwise good at pulling his weight around the house, changing nappies, playing with baby while I do housework/pump milk, etc.
• Baby was a long time coming and we discussed division of labour at length, but clearly neither of us appreciated the reality.

Yabu

Sounds like you have both had quite a tough time of it, but perhaps emerging from it. Talk to him to get your own time rather than stopping him have his own time.

I agree with others.
Your dh is stressed at work. He needs some relaxation time and exercise time is good.
You also need some relaxation time and some exercise time would probably do you good too.
Try to organise regular time for yourself.

Your DH having a weekly 'downtime' with friends is perfectly reasonable. But the way he is acting overall is utterly unreasonable, and he needs to sort himself out BIG TIME.

• You meeting with mums, with the baby, is not downtime. You're right - it's like him having lunch at work. You are still on duty. You are not free. You need baby FREE time, weekly. How you sort that out is negotiable; having the time is NOT.

• He does not get to make this all 100 times worse by also not respecting joint arrangements. Hey, why doesn't he just wear a sign saying 'REMEMBER, I COME FIRST!'. You agreed months ago on this family day? Then you are going. He does not 'commit' to anything when he is already committed.

• Embarrassed in front of his friends? For having to be dragged home when his wife ill with PND is alone with his baby? Damn right he embarrassed himself... but not in the way he thinks.

He's a dick. Dicks don't make good dads and they don't tend to end up with happy functioning families, so get him to sort himself out now.

And he does have a point about you socialising with other mums. My social life has never been so full now that I am a SAHM. And it is totally different from the odd bit of workplace banter .

Cheers all, sounds like IABU and need a hobby.

As to why I've not had more leisure time so far, we had huge problems breastfeeding so any time DH could hold the baby I was attached to a breast pump. Since I've stopped pumping, I've been using the time DH is holding the baby to run around and tidy the home - in that sense, I can see I'm a martyr.

As for my friends not being up for other nights, that was, to be fair, the same before the baby came and why I tended to socialise on Fridays, just as DH's activity was always a Friday before the baby came because that worked for his friends (and him).

DH does 30 mins exercise a day 5 days a week. He leaves early for work, so this is in the evening.

If your friends can't manage a night out during the week could they manage a coffee at say 8pm for an hour or two. Lots of coffee shops near us are now open into the evening.
If you want to exercise would the baby not sleep in the pram as you went for a long walk. When mine were little I found getting fresh air every day really helped my perspective.
It does get easier. My youngest is now 3 and although the issues change the physically exhausting side of it has gone.

apologies for cross posts and typos, I'm slow on my phone

Does your gym have a creche? I used to leave the baby in the creche while I used the gym and the ladies used to love having a baby to coo over.

And thank you for being so kind - a bit tearful, here!

I think you are being a bit of a martyr OP. Assuming your DH works 5 days a week, he has 2 whole days a week where he could be looking after the baby, plus evenings once he's home on work days. That's plenty of time to run around and tidy up and go out and exercise/socialise and spend some time as a family.

OP shouldn't have to take up a hobby to get a break, FFS!

OP, what do you want here? Is it for your DH to take over 1-2 evenings a week so you can rest/get out? Or a 1/2 day at weekends to do anything of your choice?

What about joining a gym with a swimming pool and a crèche? That way you could have a short while to chill out during the day. It doesn't cut into family time and you could meet friends on an occasional Saturday or week night. Alternatively you could start introducing a babysitter so that you could both go out on a Friday.

Your DH was unreasonable to arrange to do his hobby on Saturday when you have other plans but YWBU to stop him having one night a week when he is otherwise a good DH and parent.

X-post with many -too slow!

He should be allowing you time to go out and exercise as this will help your mental and physical health. Ideally this would be a couple of days in the week. However many times he goes you should be allowed that same time (if you wish)

I personally would let him still do his Friday night activity but state that if he is needed at home (eg really rough day) then that takes precidence.

I would be almightily pissed if he arranged to do a hobby on a day we had a long standing family thing arranged.

I think you're being a bit unclear, it's obvious what you DONT want but what DO you want? If I were in your position (and have been, also hospitalised with pnd) I would let him continue with his 'hobby' to stop 'allowing' him will only breed resentment. Start putting your own life together, join a gym, go swimming for an hour on a Sunday afternoon or do a class on a Wednesday night etc or just sit in the sauna and read a trashy magazine. You are sounding martyr-ish but I was queen of the martyrs so I'll let that slide
It's vital you don't start playing the 'who's got it hardest' game, there are no winners in that one.

Does your DH do his exercise in the house? If so, does he do it after the baby has gone to bed? Could he exercise and listen out for baby and you go out yourself for a 30min walk round the block at those times?

On a dry evening I often go for a short walk around the block once the kids are in bed and DH is home.

If your friends only go out on a Friday, then he needs to compromise. Why should his social life trump yours - you should go alternate weeks until such time as you feel happy leaving your DS with a babysitter.

If there is time for him to exercise each weekday, then there should be time for you too.

I get OP YANBU. I understand about fri/sat nights being the only "nights off" for time as a couple - sun - thurs evening one or both of us is always working in preparation for the next day. DH going out every Friday night would literally be halving out available time together and for me to go out on a Saturday would extinguish it entirely. Sounds as though your position is similar, and your DH isn't being very aware.

We've for an 8 month old as well (although older children too so we've got our dynamic sorted by now) and it's very hard that first year when the baby is so dependent on you - I still feel like that and I've gone back to work! Because she's BF, won't take a bottle and is up half the night...

Is it partly about the feeling of rejection? That he wants to go out every Friday night and you just want to see him? Can you talk to him about it?

I don't have a solution, but I do feel for you and it will pass!

OP - even giving baby to DH and going off to a local cafe to have a cuppa and read a book will give you a little 'downtime', which I think you need. As I said he's entitled to his Fridays but I do think he needs to be more proactive in giving you time off too.
Don't worry about tidying the house - as long as it isn't a total pigsty a bit of mess won't matter at all. The hovering can wait, objects on the floor can wait as long as they're not too easy or dangerous to fall over and even the washing up, clothes washing and ironing can wait, particularly ironing - I hardly did any when DS was tiny as a few creases in my clothes were the least of my worries!

Give DH and baby and announce you're Popping out.

YABU. Once a week is fine, people shouldn't need to give up everything just because they've had a baby.

Your problem isn't that your DH still has his interests, it's that you have lost yours.

OP - the Friday evening activity makes DP happy - totally counterproductive to express negativity about it. Concentrate on getting a bit of time to yourself if you can rather than trying to restrict his. And good luck, it will get easier!

I don't think yabu

Early years, you should both be a team. That means none of you having plans "set in stone" so that if one of you needs a break/help or even just a bit of support you have plenty of wiggle room. Its fine to have outside interests, but to me what should take priority every time is your family.

I probably sound like a martyr but I don't give a shit really. It works for us. I'm happy, dh is happy and there is no resentment either way.

although both me and dh are the most unsociable people you would ever encounter, which is probably why it works so well for us!

No definitive plans for the early years

We are talking about one child here. Whilst I sympathise with the OP, I think that is OTT. Having a regular hobby is not at odds with having children, at least it isn't for most people. But what works for some, won't work for others I guess,

You said DH thinks you don't understand how hard his job is. I think he doesn't understand how hard yours is!

I imagine you're going to bed quite early on the weekday evenings to compensate for the night wakings (on the weekend you get a small lie in). That means the only decent nights you get to spend with your DH are Fri and Sat, so if he's out on one night, and you're out on the other night, you're basically working shifts.

I think, because you're breastfeeding, your DH is getting quite an easy ride of it. (We bottle fed from birth, and DH did the weekend nights and had a lie in. Kept me sane, specially in the early days when they woke alternately about every 80 minutes.) You're doing all the daytime childcare during the week and all the nighttime care, while your DH is: going to his job, still getting a full night's sleep every single night, and is getting to go out with his friends once a week. His life is virtually the same while yours is totally different and tons harder than it was. I don't think that's fair.

I'm guessing you live away from where you grew up? That can make it tons harder and I think some people on here underestimate that if they haven't experienced it. You don't have any grandparents to do a bit of casual childcare, and you don't have friends around who were friends before you had kids probably, as you commute to your job and anyway you know most friends through work etc? (I'm guessing, that was my situation). It can be lonely, it means you rely on your DH more and he's not really stepping up I think.

What would be great would be if you could go away for a weekend or so and leave your DH alone to look after the baby. He needs to know what that's like. Maybe if he had a couple of days and nights with no respite and nobody to talk to but the baby, he'd be a bit more understanding. I felt this with my DH, that he didn't really get how crap it was: his nose was out of joint because his life had got worse, he'd no time for sympathy with me even though my life was utterly, utterly shite. Not that I don't love my kids but Jesus it is a grind in the early days.