To think once a week is too often?

[Allolla]

New poster but long-time lurker. I think I am overtired and probably being a shrewish martyr as a result. Come on, tell me I'm a cow!

DH and I have a 7 month-old, our first child. For many years before our baby arrived, DH did an activity with several friends every Friday night. (If I say what, it will probably identify me, but there's no booze or drugs involved.) I was fine with this as I would socialise with his friends' partners at the same time.

Now the baby is here, DH has continued with the activity each week and I stay at home with the baby. I am still on maternity leave, and DH argues that I get to socialise with other mums all week, whereas Friday night is the only social time he gets. My counter-argument is that me chatting to other mums (who I've only come to know recently) is like him chatting to his colleagues (with whom he is friendly) at morning coffee and lunch.

I have had two breaks from the baby since he was born: for a quick lunch with a friend, and for a haircut. Aside from his weekly activity, DH also takes time out for regular exercise, which I would love to do but never have the baby-free time.

I would like DH's activity to be less frequent - say once a fortnight or month - so that I could see friends without the baby now and again, or simply have some down time with DH where we're not rushing to get ready for the next day. If I went out every Saturday night, we would have no time as a couple. To top it all off, DH has committed to do his activity all day this coming Saturday too, even though we made plans to go to a family event months ago.

Other info which may be relevant:

• Baby still up several times a night and sleeps poorly during the day. Baby will often only sleep on me, limiting how much housework I can do during the day. Takes a while to get him to sleep, so using a babysitter would be tricky.
• Money is okay, but a regular cleaner would be a stretch.
• I do all the night wakings during the week and, as baby mostly breastfed, at weekends too. DH looks after the baby for a couple of hours on a Saturday morning so I can catch up on sleep.
• We have no wider family support.
• I have had severe PND (hospitalised briefly) and DH is currently suffering from stress (dislikes some parts of his job and new baby/ill wife). DH feels I don't appreciate how hard his job is.
• There have been Fridays when I was really struggling with the baby during the early colic months and DH went out anyway. Once, I begged him to come home and he did, but said I had embarrassed him in front of friends. Tbh, this really hurt me as I had no one else to turn to. I've told him so but he doesn't see the big deal.
• DH otherwise good at pulling his weight around the house, changing nappies, playing with baby while I do housework/pump milk, etc.
• Baby was a long time coming and we discussed division of labour at length, but clearly neither of us appreciated the reality.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, if Friday nights were your nights to socialise too, then why should you have to give that up? Of course, a compromise is required - perhaps you would be happy if DH could at least stay home one Friday a month?

Sorry Yabu. It's only one night a week. The Saturday would annoy me though.

Have you actually asked your friends to meet up in the week or are you assuming they won't because they didn't pre-baby. You may be surprised that they'd rather see you than stick to only going out on Fridays.

Why does DH have to hold the baby whilst you clean up. Can't you put them on the floor with some toys during the day?

I hope you resolve this as it doesn't sound fair but it sounds as though you need more breaks rather than DH having fewer.

You have had terrible PND and a difficult time with your baby having colic- I can completely relate. It's bloody hard, and it's completely understandable if you feel like you need some things to change.

I do not think you are being unreasonable at all. I think every Friday evening being tied up with his hobby is unfair actually, and the exercising every day is, dare I say it, a bit much when you don't get time. I'm assuming he comes home later from work to do this and you are already knackered by then?

Tbh if I were up several times a night with 7 month old I wouldn't have the energy for hobbies or going out. Lack of sleep may be contributing a lot to how you feel. If I were you I would try and get DCs sleeping sorted. Your local children's centre can provide help.

Yanbu.

I think yabu. It's one night a week

But you also need a break, get a babysitter and do something nice at a weekend, or go and meet your friends for a glass of wine and he can have the baby.

He needs down Time but so do you!

Let him continue. It's only once a week and it's healthy for parents to have some separate interest. Take up a weekly interest for yourself. It's so good to have a break from the parenting role and do something for yourself.

Re the Friday nights, YABabitU but re everything else, YANBU. My DH is a lovley and our children did not come easily to us. When ds was born, dh was good in many ways eg he did all night feeds - bottle fed ds- because he was much better at coping with disrupted sleep. I did all mornings etc.

However, he just didn't get why he couldn't carry on as before with social life etc. When I look back, it was such a difficult time in our relationship at a time when I thought everything should be sunshine and roses.

What I learned over time is that dh, despite being a lovely man, is a selfish pig who thinks his needs are the most important needs in the house. He's still this way, years later, and he just doesn't see it. I gave up years ago trying to make him see how unfair this is. We now operate a family calendar and I schedule my time off on it. Otherwise, all time would be his. I'll write even simple things like Walk with Louise, 7pm because otherwise, whatever he wants to do is more important. Somehow, putting it on the calendar makes it "official" and he doesn't mess with it. I don't change my plans for his in anything other than extreme circumstances.

I think its fine for him to do Fridays

You can do Saturdays as a girls night out maybe and also pop to excersise classes midweek evenings while he's holding the baby

Only on MN can some think that you must give up all hobbies that you indulge in once a week if you have children.

They are children, not a ball and chain. We do everything we used to do before we had kids. Only difference is it's now ruined.

Toomuchtooold hits it on the head for me.

You are being a tiny bit unreasonable but I've been there and I know what the resentment can be like. Chronic exhaustion so when some nitwit suggests that you go to the gym in the evenings when he gets home from work, you are sitting there thinking - "What the actual fuck - I can barely lift a glass of wine by 8pm never mind my ass onto an exercise bike?".

Option 1 - hire a babysitter and go out with him and your friends again on a Friday night and take the first step towards getting some sort of normality back in your lives. All the date nights in the world at home bear no resemblance to actually getting out and about without a baby in tow.

Option 2 - you alternate Friday nights. If this isn't feasible because you cant or won't leave the baby then unfortunately you have to suck it up for the time being. It's unreasonable to insist that he stays in if it's just because of a self imposed arbitrary standard you have applied to motherhood.

Remember this - Practice makes perfect and YOU ARE NOT A SHIT MOTHER for wanting some headspace.

The rest will come with time - if sleeping improves and overnight feeds stop you will start to feel more human. The feeding and sleeping topics will give some help too.

Consider this - if you had gone back to work already, and thousands do, things would be different. A lot different. Weirdly you might find it an improvement. Bit of adult time with your child looked after by qualified professionals, a child old enough to interact and move around and be entertained past the initial weaning stage is a lot easier to leave emotionally than a smaller baby.

I have two children who were both shocking feeders, mix fed from birth, months of pumping every feed and the first was a v bad sleeper. With hindsight I learned a few lessons that improved my life the second time around though perhaps it was just that my second child was a very different personality. I did learn that my mental health is very much improved by time away from my children, and with that my time spent with them.

Be kind to yourself, and to your husband. Recognise that you are both shattered. The first year is truly exhausting for many people and many marriages don't survive it. Get a good experienced nanny to babysit and get out for a few hours together.

Practise makes perfect is in relation to going out to socialise without guilt btw

Thank you to everyone for your responses.

Reading this all back, I can't believe I'm such a petty bitch. This never used to be me. I think I've been making an innocuous activity the scapegoat for a lot of anxiety and resentment.

My DH's stress comes out as a vile temper. He has screamed at me in front of the baby and shouted at the baby. He has never been physical, and is seeking counselling and lifestyle changes to sort the severity of the temper and things have improved a lot, but it's meant I've not felt safe leaving the baby with him. I'm not intentionally drip-feeding - I'm only just recognising this myself. Even when my baby was having bottles at night, I couldn't sleep easy when my husband took care of him. If I'd known my husband would react like this, I would have parked the baby idea altogether.

Because I've not felt I can leave the baby with DH and I'm always 'in charge', I've become very resentful over minor things. Missing out on his activities then makes DH more stressed and so the cycle continues.

Sun-Thu nights have always truly been busy with us with work and getting through the week. Friday night was something we both looked forward to but I never had an organised activity - mine was just friends and wine - so it's somehow been lost.

I suppose what I want is to feel that I'm not in this completely alone, and that my DH will be there with me when stuff gets hard. If I had that, I really wouldn't begrudge his downtime. I think I should pop off to relationships!

Thanks for the food for thought.

I agree it's tricky but my dh was the same about his life changing & not appreciating how much mine had.

Research now for babysitters-if you find one it will be loads better for the future. My youngest is now 5 & we haven't an evening babysitter & I think life would be so much better if we did.

Agree to leaving him with the baby for a weekend-in all the Friday nights he's clocked up I think you're due a full weekend. Of course, even then if he's anything like my dh, the best he'll do is keep baby fed & watered, eat take away & do no chores but it's better than nothing. We're all saying you need a regular break-sit him down & ask him what he thinks is the best way to have equal leisure time.

His 30 mins exercise every day is BU imo. You could start by alternating this, or he could do fast housework as an exercise alternative ;)

YANBU (and I can't believe PP have said YABU). Your DH gets a full nights sleep every night and gets every Friday night off. No, he shouldn't sacrifice the friday night but you should have an equal amount of rest/socialising time. If you communicate effectively enough, you should be able to achieve this.

As for spending all week socialising with other mums... WTF??? Does he think being home with a baby is easy?

He seems to think that raising the baby and seeing to its needs is solely your job. It is only your job while he is at work (and he is only able to work because you stay home with the baby). The rest of the time there should be equal division of labour.

He needs counselling asap, how is he seeking? I don't think you're remotely petty, I'm always getting annoyed about being the prime carer for dc-remembering all the different things for school & it's expected that I'll take days off when school hols etc are on. Will you go to counselling together or him alone? It's important that he knows how you feel, if you don't feel comfortable or that you'd be able to be honest with him write it all down & be there to talk when he's read it?

It does sound that there are deeper problems. What has he shouted at you about? Is it just since the baby arrived. Has he tried to change & does he talk about it?

You are not a petty bitch, so so far from it. these responses are so strange! It sounds to me like you are just like me (toddler and 9 month old), and can't see the wood for the trees as to how you can get a break. You might want to exercise in theory but practice is somewhat different and as for just 'finding an interest of your own', how does that work with / post PND.
Talk to him, be honest about how you feel even if you can't quite articulate it, it sounds very reasonable to me

By the way I never post, that's how strongly I feel that you are not being unreasonable, compelled to respond for the first time pretty much

OP - you are not a 'petty bitch' for being concerned about the level of temper that your DH has shown. You must not blame yourself, not at all.

It is good that he is seeking counselling, but you mustn't allow the situation to become one of you tiptoeing around him and him always getting his own way.

I did think you were bu, but your last post changes things somewhat. I think many of us have coped with night waking babies and little support , but against the background of your pnd and your dh temper this puts a very different slant on it.

It seems that the real issue is mental exhaustion from holding everyone together. That sounds really stressful. I'm glad your dh is getting help, but you are fragile too and it seems that you are taking on all the responsibility while he falls apart. This doesn't sound a great situation . I hope you can carve out some time for yourself - even if it's going to bed early with a book or the iPad. Your dh should definitely be cutting down on his hobby hours and paying some urgent attention to you - I hope he realises how serious things are that you don't feel safe leaving him with his own child .

YANBU about the Friday and I'm surprised how many are saying you are. You both used to go out on Fridays but now the baby is here he gets every week and you get none. How is that fair? If anything you should alternate.

So before you had the baby, you would each do separate things on a Friday night. He'd do his hobby, you'd see your mates. His Fridays have continued exactly the same, while yours have disappeared. I can see why you're annoyed. It probably doesn't feel like you're both in it together. We struggled with this a bit in the early stages, but my DH is very decent and got it quite quickly. It's more difficult if your DH is so caught up with his own stuff that he doesn't really listen to you.

I don't think you're being petty and it does sound like the relationship has problems. But you can make small steps by making it clear that you're not the default carer. If he wants to do something, whether it's Friday night hobby, gym, whatever, he needs to check that you're available to look after the baby, not just assume that you will be.

I think it would be helpful to move this to Relationships OP.

A bizillion people will post now to tell you to LTB etc. I completely get where you are coming from with giving your DH "hobbytime" to de-stress him. Lessor of two evils and all that. I have a husband who is an infinitely nicer person to be around when he is fit and exercised

When you say a regular cleaner would be a stretch financially, does this hobby cost money???? Perhaps you need to sit down together and look at finances if you are not on paid mat leave and see what could be freed up for babysitting.

What 780 says is very sensible
My DH might have assumed I was default carer to start with - feeding etc, but he quickly got it. Doesn't mean it's working out that I get breaks though - I don't have a 'hobby' so harder to ringfrence time. Am sure this is very common, especially for those of us with PND featuring somewhere, or high needs babies. Some of the less sympathetic on here sound a bit superwomanish - some of us find the days hard and long and are too wiped to swing into 'me time'