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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be furious and devastated

77 replies

LuckyLeo28 · 02/06/2015 09:53

That I found out via Facebook that my brother and his wife are expecting another baby!
They told my parents and sister prior to posting it (you can tell by their comments) but have said nothing to me, if it wasn't for my husband having a look through Facebook I still wouldn't know (I'm no longer on Facebook).
I'm so upset, we have never had a close relationship and have quite a few falling outs but we are on good terms at the moment (well I thought we were).
I'm devastated!

OP posts:

ItsTricky · 02/06/2015 14:07

Hope you're ok, op.

CrapBag · 02/06/2015 14:26

I'm going to ignore all the comments about the actual words you have used OP. Get over it people FFS. It must be so great to never post something in a fit of rage and always use words that everyone else will approve of.

Anyway OP, YANBU. I hate finding out stuff through FB. My sister told me when she went in to labour. Many hours passed and I still didn't hear anything. I knew she had been in slow labour for days but it had picked up so I was getting really worried but didnt want to be bothering her obviously. I messaged our brother in the end who told me she'd had the baby hours ago. She couldn't get a signal where she was but could access snap chat and another site I don't use so told people that way. No one told me. I then logged in to facebook just as my brother replied to see it all over there, from hours ago. I was not impressed that I almost found out that way, and was quite clearly the last to know out of the world and his wife from the looks of it.

DH and I were also pissed off when we had our youngest. One of my siblings was away so I sent a picture of our new baby. DH hadn't even left the hospital. When he got home he phoned me to tell me the photo was on FB before he had had chance to tell anyone apart from immediate family. We were pissed off about that as quite a few people had seen and commented on it. I did message them and they took it down saying they didn't think but people living their lives on social media really pisses me off.

PurpleDaisies · 02/06/2015 14:31

Do you have fertility issues? I found it really hard when my sister told me she was pregnant (obviously I didn't let on and I was thrilled for her-just devastated it wasn't me).

Unless there's more back story (as I've just suggested) I can see why you'd be annoyed but furious and devastated sounds like an overreaction.

ApeMan · 02/06/2015 14:38

"DH and I were also pissed off when we had our youngest. One of my siblings was away so I sent a picture of our new baby. DH hadn't even left the hospital. When he got home he phoned me to tell me the photo was on FB before he had had chance to tell anyone apart from immediate family."

That would seriously annoy me.

People are far to ready to spew stuff on fuckwitbook that involves third parties. Annoying.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 02/06/2015 15:00

Sometimes though, Purple when you are having fertility issues having pregnancy news kept from you can make you feel worse. Like you!re inferior to them and not good enough to be in on their good news.

PurpleDaisies · 02/06/2015 15:09

I wasn't saying they should or shouldn't have kept it from the op, I was just speculating at the reason for the op's "devastation" on seeing this news on Facebook. She's had a fairly negative reaction from posters on this thread and I was wondering if there was more to it than she'd said.

To be honest, if you want to be pregnant and you aren't however or whenever people tell you they're having a baby it is usually a bit of a downer (happy for them, sad for self).

Justusemyname · 02/06/2015 15:14

Your relationship is going to be a lot less close once they hear about your tantrum.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 02/06/2015 15:15

God I'm just an utter bitch when it comes to pregnancies purple. I can't feel enthusiasm for them At all. I'm at that point where it feels like the whole world aside from me is announcing bfp news. I'm to the point where people announce their news and I'm just oh are you. It's lovely that you can share their joy through your heart ache. Hopefully our turn will come soon

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 02/06/2015 15:17

What do you mean tantrum, just!
Are people not allowed to be upset and hurt.
and who's going tell them anyway.
Op is hardly going to print off this thread is she.

PurpleDaisies · 02/06/2015 15:18

The "happy for them" was typed through gritted teeth and a forced smile. It's just so rubbish isn't it!

I hope the op is just a drama queen. Wouldn't wish this on anyone. to you too lighthouse.

Justusemyname · 02/06/2015 15:28

Ilive, where did I say people aren't allowed to be upset? But being "furious" is rather an over the top reaction and very self centred.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 02/06/2015 15:32

I'm surprised your mother or sibling didn't tell you before it made it on to Facebook.

ollieplimsoles · 02/06/2015 15:39

CrapBag

Oh my god that would make me furious, I never got facebook announcements and always felt like it was the very height of rudeness to announce something without making sure your family knows first. Why would you want a load of randomers you went to school with to find out your news before a family member?!

And sharing other people's news on FB is a massive no no..

We made sure everyone we see in real life knew about my pregnancy, and our engagement, before we said it was ok to talk about on FB.
We were very strict with our wedding photos- we made sure no one uploaded pics of us. and we have been equally tight with the baby due later this year. absolutely NO facebook announcements from anyone and definitely no photos.

We don't use FB as a record of our lives, only I use it for work purposes. So we want to keep our personal lives off it.

QueenFuri · 02/06/2015 15:48

I found out my niece was born through Facebook all my sil friends who she had bothered her are to tell she was in labor congratulating them. I was devasted really upset I posted on here and got told it was none of my business really . Hearing through Facebook is a shit way to find out.

wannaBe · 02/06/2015 15:58

To all those people having a go at the op, if there was no FB and it transpired that the op's brother had told her mother and sister they were expecting and kept it from the op would people still be saying she was unreasonable to be upset? (and let's bear in mind that furious and devastated are just words, people use all manner of words on here... tantrum and drama are just as overreactive words IMO).

The problem with social media is that people feel that it gives them a right to not have to communicate with people any more. If you haven't read it on fb then it's your responsibility for not knowing. Erm no it isn't, if you use the internet to communicate your life then it's your responsibility if people don't read it and are then upset that you haven't told them.

Years ago I was friends on fb with someone who posted every intimate detail about her pregnancy on there. To the extent that a lot of her friends actually got so sick of reading it that they hid her status updates. When the baby was born he was seriously ill in NICU and very nearly died, and she used fb to communicate this fact to everyone. But because so many people had hidden her status updates they had no idea what she was going through.

ItsTricky · 02/06/2015 16:05

It's very arrogant to assume that everybody in your friend list reads your facebook posts on a daily basis. I have facebook but don't sit glued to it.

Tizwailor · 02/06/2015 16:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoJo · 02/06/2015 16:09

The problem with social media is that people feel that it gives them a right to not have to communicate with people any more.

But that pre-supposes that people have a 'right' to be communicated with, when they don't. If someone doesn't want to tell you something, then they are under no obligation to. Clearly the OP's brother is happy to pick up the phone and call people, he just chose not to call the OP, which is his call to make, and if she's upset about it then it's her responsibility to decide how to deal with that.

DragonWithAGirlTattoo · 02/06/2015 16:14

ghost - your dd friends mum was pregnant and you didnt congratulate her - maybe she thought your dds friend had told dd who would tell you? were you close? i'm guessing not - and especially not now when you " never even bothered congratulating the mother, or never showed one iota of interest in her pregnancy. "

ollieplimsoles · 02/06/2015 16:15

I don't really get the pecking order thing with families and news. Surely it is up to the couple how they share it, it isn't really about you OP.

Its not really about a pecking order, its about courtesy. I have older family members who don't understand fb and dont have their own accounts, but they do get to see things on it through other people. I would no way let my nanna (who was utterly thrilled about pregnancy/ engagement) find out after some person I went to school with and haven't seen in person for years.

And I think if you are too open on fb then it gives other people the idea that they can share news for you- like putting photos up of your newborn before you leave the hospital!

Viviennemary · 02/06/2015 16:22

Maybe they thought somebody else would tell you. It's easy to see why families fall out. If you feel very annoyed just don't bother with them much and be disinterested in anything they do. And tell them nothing.

Tizwailor · 02/06/2015 16:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

silveroldie2 · 02/06/2015 16:25

we have never had a close relationship

Therein lies the answer.

I speak to my sister once a year at Christmas - if she put some info on Facebook she would have a long wait for my response since I don't have Facebook.

RabidFairy · 02/06/2015 16:30

My own Facebook ettiquette means I tell big news (like babies) to people I love first, then later announce it to my friends on FB.
I'd be hurt if my sister had announced her pregnancy on FB before telling me, but she didn't. She told me first because we have a good relationship.

That's what this boils down to; whether your relationship is good enough for actual talking or distant enough for a casual mention on FB. I can see why you'd be upset, but you admit that you aren't close. Simply being related doesn't get the privilege of being the first to know, you have to be close, I think. A shame but hardly surprising I feel.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 02/06/2015 17:58

I didn't care dragon and as horrible as this sounds. I didn't have to either

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