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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not offer an alternative if toddler refuses a meal?

110 replies

yorkshapudding · 01/06/2015 13:22

I have an 18mo DC who until recently has always been a very good eater. She has always eaten whatever we cook for her and enjoyed a wide variety of foods. Now all of a sudden she has started to refuse meals. There doesn't seem to be any obvious pattern as sometimes she'll eat well, sometimes only a few mouthfulls and then there are times she won't even touch her meal, screaming as though I am trying to assault her when I put a plate of food in front of her!

She's physically healthy so I am assuming this is a phase she's going through in her development where she's pushing boundaries and trying to assert her independence. Having done a bit of research we've decided that when she refuses a meal we won't offer an alternative, just take it away without making a big deal of it. My friend visited yesterday and looked horrified when DD refused her lunch (homemade veggie soup which was previously a firm favorite) and I didn't offer her an alternative. She thought it was "cruel" and said I was wrong to deprive her of food when she's too little to understand why. It made me feel awful and now I'm questioning myself.

Am I being cruel and unreasonable to manage her food refusal in this way or is it my friend who has it wrong? I just don't want her to get the idea that if she refuses a meal she will get something she potentially likes better as surely if I do this the range of foods she eats will get narrower and narrower?

OP posts:
Stinkersmum · 01/06/2015 13:24

No it is not cruel. You know what she likes. Carry on as you are. That's what I'd do anyway.

Treeceratops · 01/06/2015 13:29

We offer DS (also 18 mo) bread and butter if he refuses but he's a bit on the small side so I worry. Nothing else is fine. They're just asserting their authority at this age and children eat if they really are hungry.

Skiptonlass · 01/06/2015 13:30

Not at all. In fact, it's a good thing to do. Don't get into power struggles over food and don't offer a billion choices.

No fuss, no reaction from you, just "that's what we are having" and the fruit bowl later if she's hungry.

Tough, but stick to it. No negotiation with terrorists ;)

APlaceOnTheCouch · 01/06/2015 13:30

When DS was small I would always offer an alternative but I was very conscious of not turning meal times into a battleground as I think that can lead to problems later.

But then again, I don't think it's about 'control' when a toddler refuses food. They just don't want to eat it.

DS hasn't turned into a fussy eater.

Rivercam · 01/06/2015 13:31

You are doing fine.

If she does complain about being hungry, offer her something plain like toast. Definitely don't reward her behaviour with cakes and biscuits.

Whiteshirt · 01/06/2015 13:33

Perfectly reasonable, assuming your child isn't verging on underweight or has no other health concerns that might mean missing a meal or two is more serious than for another child.

any1forspareribs · 01/06/2015 13:33

I never seen food as a battle with my two. At that age I just removed the offensive item and offered toast or similar as I really didn't want them missing out. Some days they just didn't want anything (may have been back teeth, crappy tummy or just feeling off) I just topped them up with milk if they wanted it.

My eldest is 20 and she eats anything that's out in front Her and is super healthy. My youngest is 2 and eats fine most of the time

I wouldn't withdraw food from a 18 month old as they have no clue why your doing it. You can't teach them a lesson.

Do you have set meal times?

OpalQuartz · 01/06/2015 13:33

If they say they are hungry 30 mins later and it's a few hours til the next meal will you offer the rejected meal again or make them wait?

Original poster
yorkshapudding · 01/06/2015 13:34

It's so difficult. I know there are certain foods that she will ALWAYS eat no matter what so it's tempting to offer one of those when she refuses a meal so I know she's eaten enough. But if I do that then she'll soon catch on that refusing dinner means she gets her favourite foods.

OP posts:
Whiteshirt · 01/06/2015 13:35

I don't the OP is thinking in terms of 'teaching a lesson' or 'withdrawing food', Any, she's just not making an issue out of a child's refusal of food at one meal.

NickyEds · 01/06/2015 13:35

My ds is almost 18 months and we're going through something similar- previously wolfed down meals are picked at and rejected. I'm doing what you are. If you just make them something you know they'll eat (tinned ravioli in our house- why always something crap???) then you just teach them

  1. creating gets you what you want. Not happening!!
  2. If you don't eat homemade chicken and veg pie you get a tin of ravioli instead. Again, not happening.

Also, sometimes ds just isn't that hungry. He'll push his food around his plate but doesn't seem starving later.We've only had one time when he was starving but wouldn't eat the previously loved lasagne, he had a bit of a tantrum, threw himself about a bit, realised it was lasagne or nothing so ate it. I tend to just leave the food in front of him, if he eats it he does and if he doesn't he doesn't. We don't really do pudding routinely anyway so there's no tempting with cake or anything. He's a healthy weight and the odd small meal doesn't seem to be slowing him down at all!!

ForEverythingAReason · 01/06/2015 13:35

Sounds like YAB perfectly reasonable to me! No fuss, no battle over food. Unless DD is dropping centiles and is otherwise healthy I wouldn't be overly worried.

ForEverythingAReason · 01/06/2015 13:37

Oh and any, what whiteshirt said.

Oobis · 01/06/2015 13:38

Sounds like you have the whole thing sorted, don't doubt yourself! Hungry children will eat. My little one has hungry days and not hungry days, don't worry! Better have a slightly miffed toddler than an elder child who only eats chips and ketchup ;-)

Madratlady · 01/06/2015 13:38

My 18mo does the same, he gets bread and butter as an alternative so he doesn't go to bed with an empty tummy. He often rejects meals that he liked the last time. I guess its just a toddler thing.

any1forspareribs · 01/06/2015 13:39

wait she kind of is.

The lesson is - if you don't eat this there will be nothing else. Which is fine later on but I think it's a bit too Young now.

Original poster
yorkshapudding · 01/06/2015 13:40

Opal, that has never happened to be honest so not sure what I would do. She's never been keen on snacking between meals and on the occasions that she has refused she hasn't seemed hungry afterwards. Should I be offering snacks if she doesn't eat a main meal?

spareribs, she does have regular meal times although they aren't set in stone. I'm not trying to "teach her a lesson". It's not like I'm withholding food as a punishment, I'm just taking it away after she's consistently refused to eat it anyway. I just don't want to send the message that having tantrums at meal times gets her a reward.

OP posts:
toomuchtooold · 01/06/2015 13:42

I think it's fine although I think offering a bit of bread and butter or some fruit as an alternative is fine too, particularly if you've got stuff to do, as you don't want them getting hungry when you're on the way to the supermarket or whatever. Some of them eat very variably though - DD2, now 3 years old, has always picked her way through half her meals only to eat like 2 chicken legs and half a kilo of blueberries one time in about 5 or so. Weird as anything!

FoulsomeAndMaggotwise · 01/06/2015 13:42

My ds couldnt understand the consequence of "eat this now or you'll get nothing else and you'll be hungry later" at 18 months. He's nearly two now and after his birthday we're going to stop offering an alternative when he doesn't eat. I think for him, that's the magic age of understanding the consequence of not eating. Your ds may well be different though.

specialsubject · 01/06/2015 13:42

I like the 'no negotiation with terrorists' concept...

no child ever starved from missing one meal. Don't put out too much, and if it is refused, cover it, put it in fridge and bring out again next time.

LikeSilver · 01/06/2015 13:43

In our house, you don't have to eat your dinner, but if you choose not to the alternative is fruit or toast. I try not to comment if dinner isn't eaten, or cajole them to try it, I just remind them it's that or fruit. Usually if they don't eat it they aren't hungry, and then they do have to wait until the next meal, we don't really have snacks on offer.

RiverTam · 01/06/2015 13:44

the thing is that toddlers can have a far narrower palate than babies, a lot of children who previously ate 'well' can become pickier as they get older. Personally I would just roll with it, and if she has a bit of a limited diet for a while, never mind. I don't believe that you will actually make her a 'better' eater by refusing to 'pander' to her. Obviously it's very frustrating at the time, but I do think it's rather mean to expect such a young child to have nothing at all. If you made yourself something and then thought "d'you know what, I really don't fancy this" would you still force yourself to eat it?

Original poster
yorkshapudding · 01/06/2015 13:45

A couple of people have suggested offering toast/a bit of bread and butter as an alternative. The thing is she LOVES bread and would eat it all day if I let her so if I start doing that she'll never eat another proper dinner again Grin

It really is tempting though as I hate it when she won't eat and I do feel mean not offering anything else.

OP posts:
RedRugNoniMouldiesEtc · 01/06/2015 13:46

I would see each session as a separate attempt because a toddler won't remember /associate after maybe 30 minutes. So offer a small amount of the soup, take away no fuss if rejected. 30 minutes later if she's hungry repeat with the same food (fresh portion obviously) again no fuss. Once you get to the next meal time offer a different meal as you would normally and repeat.

Do remember that toddlers will randomly go off and on certain foods, it's just their taste developing so if she totally refuses soup one day don't offer it again for a while to allow her to develop her own preferences without battles.

sebsmummy1 · 01/06/2015 13:47

I would look at the food over the whole day rather than concentrate on one meal. Do I think it's cruel to have taken the soup away without another alternative given? Not particularly, particularly if you think she was 'trying it on' rather than genuinely disliking the food you have offered.

In that situation I would have endured my son had a good dinner if I knew he hadn't eaten lunch. Do would probably pick a meal he was guaranteed to eat and then given yogurt and fruit afterwards.

I think it's a bad habit to get into to always offer toast or similar if they refuse dinner. Also the snacking that goes on nowadays really does blunt hunger and make meal refusal more likely. I used to have a biscuit box with kiddie biscuits in and would offer a few morn and aft as snacks if I thought dinner was going to be a bit late. We ran out and suddenly he started eating his dinner really well again. Didn't take a genius to figure out that the biscuits weren't helping and was a stupid idea.

There is no biscuit box anymore much to DPs disappointment DS hasn't even noticed!