AIBU to not offer an alternative if toddler refuses a meal?

[yorkshapudding]

I have an 18mo DC who until recently has always been a very good eater. She has always eaten whatever we cook for her and enjoyed a wide variety of foods. Now all of a sudden she has started to refuse meals. There doesn't seem to be any obvious pattern as sometimes she'll eat well, sometimes only a few mouthfulls and then there are times she won't even touch her meal, screaming as though I am trying to assault her when I put a plate of food in front of her!

She's physically healthy so I am assuming this is a phase she's going through in her development where she's pushing boundaries and trying to assert her independence. Having done a bit of research we've decided that when she refuses a meal we won't offer an alternative, just take it away without making a big deal of it. My friend visited yesterday and looked horrified when DD refused her lunch (homemade veggie soup which was previously a firm favorite) and I didn't offer her an alternative. She thought it was "cruel" and said I was wrong to deprive her of food when she's too little to understand why. It made me feel awful and now I'm questioning myself.

Am I being cruel and unreasonable to manage her food refusal in this way or is it my friend who has it wrong? I just don't want her to get the idea that if she refuses a meal she will get something she potentially likes better as surely if I do this the range of foods she eats will get narrower and narrower?

I think you're being perfectly reasonable.

Don't force her to eat something, but don't reward pickiness with further choices. She'll eat if she's hungry.

No, I'm with your Booboostoo, DD always given a preference and pretty much full control over what she wants to eat.

I'm always very aware of children needing to eat to keep blood sugar levels up.
A whingy, argumentative or crying child is often a hungry child.
Regular food intake does tend to keep all of us in a better mood.

Adult dd was a nightmare i made such a fuss as she was like a splinter once i did relent i just took her plate away and left it gave her toast and yoghurt at bedtime if she wanted something

Slightly older, but Ds1 (4) has hit the rejection phase. We don't offer alternatives. The rule is eat it, or leave it, but don't whinge about it. Tonight he's kicked up a fuss about potatoes and carrots cooked in gravy. He likes all three, and would happily eat a pile of potatoes, and another of carrots and gravy on the top. I already cater around allergies, so I'm not creating additional food around fads. (Long term dislikes like his mushrooms are accepted, pick them out and leave them). I made it clear that he didn't have to eat it, but there was nothing else until breakfast. By the time his brother attempted an assault on his plate for seconds, he decided it was edible after all and did well in the end.

Very true paxtecum. Additionally, some children have a bit of a vicious circle where they get hungry, whine because of that, then become too wound up to eat anything. Blood sugar again I suppose. So OP if you find yours is prone to that you'll have to be careful about taking this approch. And this is why it's not actually right that if they're hungry they'll eat: sometimes the exact opposite is true, being hungry effectively makes it more difficult for them to eat, and tends to delay them eating until they've calmed down. They'll eat when they're hungry is a neat theory, and logic suggests it should be true. Logic, unfortunately, often takes a back seat when dealing with toddlers.

One rule in this house. Eat what I provide or go hungry. Right from when they could first feed themselves.

Protests were ignored and no alternative given. Oddly, they seem to have survived.

That's so interesting booboos and fredfred. Though, I think there is a difference between yours and the OP's situation in that you are offering a choice and the toddler choosing beforehand. If the toddler then suddenly changes their mind and doesn't want to eat what they have selected what do you do? If they never change their minds, then yours is a genius idea which I might use in the future.

Different thing work for different people, so please don't read this as a judgement of others, just what worked for us.

When DD was 18mo like the OP's DC I would take her to see the food to decide. She was not able to remember the names of all foods so she needed a visual reminder. With new things she needed to try a little bit to see if she liked it. Luckily 99% of the time she would then eat what she had chosen, so the rare times she did not want to eat it she was allowed to swap for something else and it was never a big deal for us.

Now she is 4 yo I try to involve her in everything. When she comes to the supermarket she can buy one thing (under 5 euros!) she chooses all by herself, she also chooses whether we get red or green apples. She is also very involved with gardening because we grow our own fruit and veg and loves picking and eating from the field. She's quite keen on cooking, which I think also helps. She still gets a choice for lunch from leftovers or a sandwich, dinner she eats what the family is eating but she has been involved in deciding this from shopping at the supermarket and cooking. Now that she is older she knows that she cannot have dessert if she doesn't eat her main meal, but it is her choice whether to eat it and have dessert, or go without. When she was younger she ate every two hours, and missing a meal was a sure way to cause a tantrum. Now she eats main meals and needs snacks between them, but her BMI is fine. I am the same, I have to eat constantly so snacking does not bother me as a habit.

Topseyt. Did you reoffer the food they rejected when they got hungry a bit later and they ate it then? Or just miss the meal altogether? Just interested in how it works when you don't offer an alternative.

Mine's a bit older-22 months- but the same. I did get very stressed about it, some days he eats almost nothing after breakfast, but now I probably offer porridge or a banana but no treats/snacks and try to not make a fuss. I know what he likes generally and really don't want to get into the habit of him thinking I will offer various other things if he refuses. He is on the 91st centile bizarrely though, so atm I luckily don't have to really worry. He always has his milk first and last thing.

Oh and if he refuses his lunch i will re-offer at tea time. He often eats it fine then!

I think it's really difficult to strike a balance between allowing toddlers enough choice and pressuring them into eating by offering a hundred alternatives when they might just not be hungry at that particular moment.

My DD is only 22 weeks so glad to pick up tips here. I do have nieces and nephews who I am close to and help with mealtimes but obviously I don't make decisions re what they do or don't "have to" eat.

Whatever you do - don't become a short order chef.

Dinner (take it or leave it).
Fruit bowl

I always plan compound dinners (eg plain boiled veggies on the side of main dish; cheesy toast to dip into soup ) - and I'm sensitive to not 'contaminating' (ie served so they don't touch). It's rare that every component is a fail - and it generally means they are sickening, or they've just stuffed a chocolate bar, or similar - which can't be helped.

Also - I always eat with DC.

It reduces waste and frustration - because at least I get a healthy nice meal - even if they are being fussy buggers.

In terms of body language and messages - I think it is more positive to focus on eating together - rather than loom over them with a spoon. They have their food, I have my food. They have to sit as long as it takes me to eat (whether hungry or not). I'll sometimes encourage them with a first forkful or similar - but if I'm tired I get my own head down to eat - and I could barely tell you if they've eaten or not - just leave them to self feed without fuss.

Opal we did the same as Topseyt and found that about 75% of the time it got eaten, or partially eaten, before the next meal and 25% of the time they really weren't hungry (often in the evening) and went to sleep without eating. Didn't affect sleep and then they'd eat a big breakfast next morning.

I find my DC eat one big meal a day - but I can never predict which one. So they'll basically skip dinner - and eat a triple breakfast. Or eat double dinner - and then nibble on some Toast the following morning. IME it does self regulate over a few days - even if not to an 'adult' eating pattern.

Main thing to watch IMO is junky snacks between meals.

My toddler does morning preschool - and is often not hungry for lunch - but we have some grand 'afternoon teas' (hot milk in a nice cup, little sandwich, oaty cookie). Without this - she'll tend to have a meltdown walking past the corner shop about wanting chocolate/ crisps - and if you cave, then she's not hungry for dinner/finds it unapallatable compared to super sweet/salty snacks.

No, ForEverythingAReason it's not just a choice beforehand, it's a choice whenever, if it turns out they do not like the food put in front of them, they have a choice to choose something else - or not to eat much and get themselves a snack/something else later.

Although she would generally be told what was being prepared for a meal, and asked if she wanted any reasonable adjustments/additions.

And we don't do any "if you don't eat X, you can't have Y" with dessert or snacks - although we don't eat dessert as a specific part of a meal when at home, it would just come out after we've cleaned up etc. But it would still be offered regardless of food eaten previously.

fred hat off to you and yours! I'd end up preparing 3 different meals each mealtime and I'm not nearly nice enough to do that - rather they just skipped one.

well, if you take the hard deprivation line on food for a child it is questionable.
It is the childs tastebuds which are at issue not the parents.

Try something a bit more loving and sophisticated than food deprivation.

Plenty of good advice on line

That's really interesting fred and how do you go about offering alternatives or Is your DD at a stage where she is able to tell you her preference? Genuinely interested - looking for tips for the future!

Perhaps it is busy career parents (of both genders) who dont have time to be kind to children. I come from a very large working class family and we were never starved of a meal.

Thanks Barbarian. So if it was say a hot meal or soup that they didn't like, would you package that up and take it out with you if going out, to offer if they were hungry later?

well, Fred at ll.38 seems very reasonable to me. He has thought it through