AIBU to not offer an alternative if toddler refuses a meal?

[yorkshapudding]

I have an 18mo DC who until recently has always been a very good eater. She has always eaten whatever we cook for her and enjoyed a wide variety of foods. Now all of a sudden she has started to refuse meals. There doesn't seem to be any obvious pattern as sometimes she'll eat well, sometimes only a few mouthfulls and then there are times she won't even touch her meal, screaming as though I am trying to assault her when I put a plate of food in front of her!

She's physically healthy so I am assuming this is a phase she's going through in her development where she's pushing boundaries and trying to assert her independence. Having done a bit of research we've decided that when she refuses a meal we won't offer an alternative, just take it away without making a big deal of it. My friend visited yesterday and looked horrified when DD refused her lunch (homemade veggie soup which was previously a firm favorite) and I didn't offer her an alternative. She thought it was "cruel" and said I was wrong to deprive her of food when she's too little to understand why. It made me feel awful and now I'm questioning myself.

Am I being cruel and unreasonable to manage her food refusal in this way or is it my friend who has it wrong? I just don't want her to get the idea that if she refuses a meal she will get something she potentially likes better as surely if I do this the range of foods she eats will get narrower and narrower?

forty I don't think offering a child a plate of something they'll normally eat is "starving" them tbh. Nor do I think it is harmful to skip a meal if you are not hungry (quite the opposite in fact). And I was a SAHM at the time so clearly naturally mean, rather than pushed for time.

Transfer this debate to a 14 year old boy. And you would probly let him go to the fridge and get what he fancies. (or he may buy stuff out)

Are we just talking about toddlers or does the child get his/her own choice later on? Of course the toddler probably cant tell you what he
really would like.

At 14 they will still be expected to join us at the table for the evening meal, only difference being that they'll be expected to cook for everyone once a week (and the rest of us will be expected to eat what they provide). After school snack they can help themselves from what we have in, junk food they'll need to buy themselves.

Obviously this is a theory at this point but I can't see myself offering a restaurant menu to choose from then either.

Barbarianmum you are well clear of barbarism Your name is satirical; and amuses me no end.

I was a fussy eater at 6 or 7. I was in fact a bit tongue tied and was treated kindly. I got over the tongue tied bit and broadcast a lot later.

I don't see an issue. I must say I would just assume she wasn't hungry -- my DD (now 3yo) usually goes through phases and eating and not-eating, and this has been true ever since she started solids. I'd actually worry that offerring an array of alternatives would just be encouraging ignoring internal signals about hunger. Sometimes I'm not hungry but there are some foods I'd just have to have a taste of if offered. Given that you'll give her snacks if she wants, and she doesn't want, I'd guess that she just wasn't that hungry.

Barbarian. No, it doesn't sound harsh, I was just interested in how it works

I read a suggestion once that may work well with grazers: have a plate of appropriate snacks available to the young child all day long and they help themselves as and when they want to.

Opal, no. I didn't re-offer the food. I remember my parents trying that one on me (and yes, I do remember it). If I didn't eat my dinner (a midday meal in my parents' house) then I would get it again at teatime. If I didn't eat it then, then I would get it again at breakfast and so on, with both of them harping on at me. It made mealtimes just so much of an ordeal and it didn't work. Both my parents do admit that it was a mistake, but borne of desperation at the meagre amounts I would eat, if I would eat anything at all.

Sometimes my own kids would try to get me to give them sweets and chocolate later on by saying it was because they were hungry that they wanted them, but I just said that as they hadn't even tried to eat their last meal then they couldn't have those.

If they were hungry because they had refused to eat their meal then they just had to go on until the next mealtime, when they would generally be hungry enough to eat just about anything. My approach was that they would eat if they were hungry.

It might sound harsh, but it kept my sanity over the years and I have healthy daughters.

My DD1 and DD3 were not too bad overall, but DD2 was a real devil when it came to mealtimes. Made a fuss over anything at all. In the end I just ended up telling her that I didn't care what she did with her meal so long as I could eat my own in peace, but to remember that if she chose not to eat it then there would be nothing else.

Ah, I meant reoffer it if they got hungry after the meal, rather than as the next meal which is quite extreme.

YANBU

My DD did exactly the same thing at 18 months. Like a (pregnant) fool I used to either offer an alternative or just give her food she liked. Then when DS1 arrived I thought 'Sod this'. So it was dinner or go to bed hungry. She called my bluff the first two nights and went to bed without dinner but from that point onwards she got the message that I wasn't going to suddenly whip out a brand new meal.

She didn't turn in to a miraculous eater overnight, but things got a lot better.

Have applied same principle to DS1 and 2. Sometimes they are clearly not that hungry. That's fine. They don't have to eat. But there's nothing else.

I've come to realise that sometimes they just aren't that hungry. And if they are really hungry, they are a lot less fussy.

Oldest is now 10, youngest 5 and we're still working it out as youngest is the fussiest of the three. Now it's a case of 'you can't say you don't like it if you haven't tried it' - I sound exactly like my parents did of course!

I wouldn't force any of them to eat something new if they didn't like it BTW, but if I'd put a plate of DD's favourite pesto pasta down and she refused it, then that's when I'd bring in the 'eat it - there's nothing else'.

ForEverythingAReason DD is now 4, so she's not a toddler any more and quite able to tell us, or get it herself. When she was a toddler, we always just put things on the table that we were eating with some other stuff if she indicated she didn't want those. And outside of meal times at the table and she was free to open the fridge and take stuff out as soon as she was able to.

Generally we always had tomatoes/berries/cheese/humuus or cooked chicken etc. in the fridge and she'd get them herself out. Before she was verbal if she indicated she didn't want something we'd ask if she wanted a couple of other things or show her if they were around but never bothered either way.

So far there's been no real fussiness other than wanting say the hard crispy bits of roast potatoes removed, or picking out mushrooms from a chilli etc. And eats a very wide range of foods.

I think my biggest reasoning for all this is that I think the food needs of a growing child is hugely variable not just in quantity, but also in nutrient type compared to an adult. And I believe that animals until social conditioning (pavlov's dogs) or drugs (e.g. caffeine in chocolate or alcohol) generally have a very good idea of what they need to eat and how much.

So saying, "if she's hungry she'll eat an apple" is no good if it's protein or fat that the body is in need of.

I don't give mine anything different if they decide they don't like what they've been given. They also know they are expected to eat what they are given, within reason. If it was something completely new they are expected to try it.

Mine have rarely completely refused to eat at all though. I definitely wouldn't offer toast though as DS would have marmite toast for every meal given half a chance.

Mine are much older (4,7 and 9) , but we have had the same 'rules' since they were tiny. When they were very little I would use TV or books or toys as distraction to spoon food into them. I know lots of people disapprove but I would rather they ate while watching TV than not eat at all. Now they are older they know they have to finish their main course if they want pudding and we have no tablets at the table though sometimes they still have TV but mostly not.

I also hate throwing away food so try to give them a sensible portion I know they can manage, and they are expected to eat it. And in answer to the person who said would you make yourself eat it? Yes I would, as I hate throwing away food. If I really couldn't manage it I would put it in the fridge for the next day. I'm horrified at how much food people seem to throw away.

I have adopted the policy that if there's at least one thing available on the table that I know DD will eat, I don't force her to eat anything. Also, if she says 'I don't like/want that' then the stock response is 'you don't have to eat it' but I don't offer an alternative. It has totally removed the stress from mealtimes. If she's actually hungry, she'll eat something that's in front of her (eventually). Quite often, she's just not that hungry though.

This is my 20 month old. To those that say "they will tell you when they are hungry" how is this possible if they are too little to speak?! Mine doesn't speak. At all.

I don't have toddlers anymore, but always offered alternatives like toast. I picked my battles and food wasn't one of them.

I have always offered alternatives - not cooked a whole new meal, but toast, or weetabix (or last night, sweetcorn!) - whatever is to hand, really.

I sometimes don't fancy certain foods, even ones I usually like, and I don't make myself eat them in those circumstances (except on the rare occasions I'm a guest in someone's house, or something like that). Nor do I make myself go hungry - I choose to eat things I am happy to eat.

So I don't expect dd to force things down, either, or to go hungry when she won't. She's not a particularly restricted eater either, so I don't see it having done her too much harm (fingers crossed).

Most of my friends seem to see me as massively liberal towards dd with regard to food, and also judging from this thread I'm in a minority. But I've just never had those sort of "in this house you do this or this happens..." kind of rules in my head with regard to eating. I don't observe them myself, so can't impose them on others!

OP, think very carefully about how you tackle this.

We went down the "alternatives" route - nothing exciting just a slice of toast or some fruit and yoghurt but we are now a year down the line with a toddler who has serious eating issues as in he is super fussy and doesn't each much at all

We did BLW, until he was about 18 months he was an amazing eater and now at 2.5, dinner time is a battle ground and he suffers severe constipation as a result of his "self imposed" poor diet. I am at my wits end most days and dread weaning my young DD in a few months.

I am now on the verge of seeking professional help with this as I have tried everything. If I could go back in time I would never have started offering alternatives.

We do the same - if toddler doesn't want to eat what is given, we always explain that she is not in any trouble, that we won't force her to eat but that there is nothing else. We endlessly talked about how to manage this when fussiness kicked-in, also discussed it at length with our gp. She fully supported our approach and we have stuck by it. The important thing is never to display anger when your kid doesn't eat . Good luck!

I always , always offered alternatives when dd was too little to articulate what she wanted. Now she is 4 I will give her a few options and she will choose from one of those, or she will ask for something herself if she feels like it.

I've always looked at it from the point of view that if I was just getting food put in front of me every night with no choice as to what it was there would be times when I just didn't feel like what was offered. I'd never let them go hungry just because they didn't like /want what I had made them .

Great explanation thanks fredfred. Really glad I read this thread.

Yanbu and what Citydweller said was spot on.
I know children who live on toast as that's all they'll eat after a couple of years of being allowed alternatives. That's fine for the odd occasion if they're a bit poorly but missing one meal and being made to realise that they need to eat what they're given is a good lesson!

The answer to that though is not to offer toast or shit food as an alternative . I didn't offer toast, Id just make dd another meal. At 18 months it's pretty easy to rustle up a nutritious alternative and it wasn't every day, just on the odd occasion .

Best piece of advice my Mum gave me was never make an issue over food.
I gave my son what ever healthy food he enjoyed.
If he didn't eat it I gave him a quick and easy alternative fruit, cheese yogurt etc.
He is grown up now - eats really well and healthily
I think food and meal times should be a pleasure.
The only two things I was forced to eat - not at home
I don't touch now.

YANBU, DC1 is 2 and a half and whilst she doesn't have to eat her meals, we don't do 'alternatives'. The things we eat for dinner are generally things we know she likes anyway. If we're having something we know DC doesn't like such as pork chops we still serve it to her but we always make sure there are other things on her plate she will eat. There's no pressure, but it's available for her to try it if she wants to. For ages she wouldn't eat chicken but after using this approach she eats it quite happily now in various forms.

My mum how ever is terrible for this, last time DC1 went to stay over night with her, dinner was in the oven and DC announced that she didn't want it and wanted a ham sandwich instead so she stopped what ever was cooking in the oven and made it for her without even giving DC the chance to try the original meal. I was a fussy eater growing up and I still am to an extent, it's something I've been working on for years, but stuff like that just makes me think well no wonder I turned out the way I did. I'm determined for our DC's not to turn out the same way.