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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not giving any more gifts?

80 replies

Shellabrate · 01/06/2015 12:36

Dh and I always have different views on gift giving. Finally it seems to have come to a head or reached a new point- he was disappointed with what I gave him for our anniversary- a book from the uni bookshop as I couldn't get to a shop and we live out of the way, with no card but a nice inscription inside. What's wrong with that?! He says he has been asking for a watch for years and says he'd prefer I put the money aside I would have spent on smaller gifts at birthday and Christmas etc so that in a year or so I could buy him a nice watch we choose together. I want to give him something I've chosen and think this is ridiculous- I've told him he can buy his own watch in a year or so or whatever he thinks is long enough and I won't buy him anymore presents. Is that so unreasonable?

OP posts:
WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 01/06/2015 12:40

It's the height of churlishness to complain when someone gives you a gift. To tell a person their gifts are not good enough and you wanted something else.....is he a small child? Is he normally so rude?

PtolemysNeedle · 01/06/2015 12:43

I think it's unreasonable to continue giving people things they don't want and aren't going to appreciate while at the same time ignoring what they would really like.

Giving gifts should be a pleasure for the giver, but the recipient is supposed to be the priority otherwise what's the point?

I think YABU, especially when you tell him that what he wants is ridiculous. His idea sounds like it would be a much better use of limited money.

Original poster
Shellabrate · 01/06/2015 12:49

Aren't people receiving the gifts supposed to just be grateful for what they've got- get what your given kind of thing?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 01/06/2015 12:51

Aren't people receiving the gifts supposed to just be grateful for what they've got- get what your given kind of thing?

Not if you really don't want it. What a waste of time and effort. I think few people are really good at gift giving without some form of list clue.

SaucyJack · 01/06/2015 12:52

Did you believe in good faith that he would want the book, or did you just go to the nearest shop and grab the first thing that would do?

InstitutionCode · 01/06/2015 12:52

Personally, I think giving gifts, other than small things that you "saw and thought of you" is a nonsense once you're in a long term relationship with shared finances

Jackie0 · 01/06/2015 12:55

Yes people are supposed to be grateful for whatever gift they are given , but this isn't an etiquette question.
He's your husband , assuming he isn't asking for something the budget won't stretch to, why wouldn't you get him something he likes?

InstitutionCode · 01/06/2015 12:55

OTOH if you've know he'd like a watch for years, it does seem off to insist on keep buying him something you've chosen, but that you know isn't what he wants.

chanie44 · 01/06/2015 12:56

I'd rather get someone something that they actually want, so I'd rather be told.

It sounds like his present was a bit of an afterthought any way '... I couldn't get to a shop...' its not like you didn't know when the anniversary was.

Sorry, if it sounds harsh, its not intended to be.

tutorproof · 01/06/2015 12:57

DH and I always have this conversation.

I want to choose thoughtful gifts and want him to do the same.

He wants me to get something he actually wants and to tell him what to buy me.

We've compromised, although I do tend to just give him a list now.

AlpacaMyBags · 01/06/2015 12:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Shellabrate · 01/06/2015 12:59

Interesting...
No I didn't think he would really, really want it- but I knew it chimed with one of his interests

OP posts:
Tinklewinkle · 01/06/2015 13:00

I don't see the point of giving a gift if it's not something the recipient would want/like.

I love it when people have gift lists for their wedding, or when SiL emails over a list of what our nephews/nieces want for Christmas. I know I'm not wasting money, or inflicting something on someone that they don't like/need/want

I don't agree with the grateful for what you're given sentiment to be honest. I don't see that I should be grateful for the ornaments that my MiL insists on giving me when she knows they're not to my taste in the slightest (and they just end up in the loft). I would much rather she didn't bother and just bought me a bar of chocolate. It's a total waste of her money and time

Original poster
Shellabrate · 01/06/2015 13:00

And with respect to the watch... I think he will choose a bling kind of watch which I won't like to look at, rather than a more classic piece, and he has said he wants to choose it so I guess I am not that thrilled about giving a present I don't like to look at all the time

OP posts:
GloriousGoosebumps · 01/06/2015 13:03

YABU. I've ever seen the point in buying someone something they won't want or enjoy. Surely you can't enjoy the look of disappointment when he opens his present? (I speak as someone who was given several cream "walking the dog" type jumpers even after I said they weren't my style plus too many other items to enumerate!) So you need to have your strop, get over it and then start buying gifts he'll actually enjoy. How good is he at choosing gifts for you that you'll actually love?

fredfredgeorgejnr · 01/06/2015 13:03

Yes people who recieve gifts should be grateful, but above that people who you are extremely close to like your DP should be open, honest and truthful.

So that trumps the gratefulness, he's right to comment, and now you know not to pay for stuff that he doesn't really really want.

ENormaSnob · 01/06/2015 13:03

Presuming the date didnt sneak up on you then you could have got to a shop.

Yabu

WhoNickedMyName · 01/06/2015 13:03

YABU.

Original poster
Shellabrate · 01/06/2015 13:05

He's not that great- meaninglessness tat mostly that he says I'll think I'll like but I think are cheap and nasty. Unless he spends a lot of money on something he knows I will like, which we can't really afford

OP posts:
InstitutionCode · 01/06/2015 13:06

I agree Twinkle. DN's birthday is this week. I've asked DSis what he'd like, she's given 2 ideas, one at towards the top of what I usually spend, the other only a few pounds. I've ordered them both on Amazon, to be gift wrapped and send direct. They'll be there by tomorrow, so not being able to get to a shop is a pretty poor excuse and TBH it's that bit that would upset me most if I was OP's DH.

OP you make a point of wanting to choose him something, you've had all year since the last anniversary to do so and then have to get something you can pick up easily, at the last minute, without putting yourself out Confused

But I wouldn't bother with an anniversary present (either way) the money would be spent on celebrating together.

TwerkingSpinster · 01/06/2015 13:08

Maybe he actually wants it to be the watch 'his wife bought him' not just a watch? I bought my husband a watch, he chose it....i like the history that has now been added to it....so grandkids will be given 'the watch granny bought grandad for his anniversary' not just grandads watch. If that makes sense!

redskybynight · 01/06/2015 13:09

I have the same deal with my DH. He finds me hard to buy for and I don't see the point of him getting something I don't particularly want just for the sake of it. So he consequently doesn't buy me presents every birthday/Christmas/anniversary but will get me something I really want less frequently that might cost a little bit more.

I find the idea that the gift giver decides what they want to get the recipient (especially if it's in preference to getting the recipient something they actually want - even if not to gift giver's taste) and the recipient has to be grateful regardless odd. Surely the point of the gift is to please the recipient?! But then I've perhaps had too many truly awful presents from my parents.

nequidnimis · 01/06/2015 13:12

YABU.

What a way to celebrate a date that should be important to you as a couple - with an emergency dash to the nearest shop.

I am always polite and grateful to receive any gift, but if DH had form for this level of thoughtlessness I hope I would find a way to communicate how hurtful it was, and that he would take it on board.
Even now, after he's told you about something he'd love, you're complaining that it won't be to your taste.

What exactly is the problem? That your own DH had the temerity to call you on a shit present, when he should've pretended to like it? Or that you want to continue buying him stuff he doesn't want for some insane reason? Or that you think it's more important for the giver to like a present than the recipient?

InstitutionCode · 01/06/2015 13:15

This has bothered me more than it should and I'm feeling rather sorry for DH, based on this small snippet of your lives.

You don't want him to have the watch he wants because you wouldn't like looking at it. Do you actually like him? How would you feel if he didn't want you to wear the kind of clothes you like? What advice would you expect from MN?

BackforGood · 01/06/2015 13:16

YABVU - the gift should ALWAYS be something the recipient wants, not something the giver wants to give.

Generally, in life, you are polite when someone gives a gift, yes, but this is your dh - anyone close like that should be able to have an open discussion about what they'd prefer.

Not that we do anniversary gifts, but dh and I decided many years ago we didn't want to waste (what is, essentially our ) money and time getting each other token gifts neither of us really wanted just because it was a particular date in the year. We put the money by, and then buy something as and when one of us would really like something.