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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not giving any more gifts?

80 replies

Shellabrate · 01/06/2015 12:36

Dh and I always have different views on gift giving. Finally it seems to have come to a head or reached a new point- he was disappointed with what I gave him for our anniversary- a book from the uni bookshop as I couldn't get to a shop and we live out of the way, with no card but a nice inscription inside. What's wrong with that?! He says he has been asking for a watch for years and says he'd prefer I put the money aside I would have spent on smaller gifts at birthday and Christmas etc so that in a year or so I could buy him a nice watch we choose together. I want to give him something I've chosen and think this is ridiculous- I've told him he can buy his own watch in a year or so or whatever he thinks is long enough and I won't buy him anymore presents. Is that so unreasonable?

OP posts:
NoIsNotACompleteSentence · 01/06/2015 16:10

Dh and I tend not to buy gifts routinely for anniversaries, or indeed birthdays. I tend to buy him little things like nice coffee every couple of weeks as a surprise and he will often surprise me with something I've been wanting, it feels nicer to both of us. I don't drink coffee but like him to be happy so it wouldn't occur to me not to buy a present for someone else if I didn't like it.

I think couples usually settle into patterns of what suits them best. Here, through, I don't think it's about the book per se, it sounds like there are deeper issues.

BackforGood · 01/06/2015 16:45

I would just rather I chose it, if it's a present and for him to like it

This is one of the weirdest things I've read on here fore a while..... Hmm

If you don't like something - or even are just neutral towards it - are you really suggesting there is someway of making yourself like it more, just because someone you like gave it to you ? Confused

Orange6358 · 01/06/2015 16:53

If I received and unwanted/mediocre gift I would either sell it on or give it to charity. Can't stand clutter.

I'd rather have something I really liked. It's less wasteful financially and environmentally to save and buy one small desired object.

TokenGinger · 01/06/2015 17:39

Your poor DH.

I'm not a particularly big fan of looking at Play Station control pads, but if DP wants one for his birthday, I'd much rather buy him something he wants and would get use of than buying him a book he'll stick in a drawer and never read.

If I saw a book based on something he has an interest in, I'd pick it up "just because". But if you're in the spirit of buying anniversary presents, I'd expect to buy him a thoughtful gift. If you didn't have time to pick something up, couldn't you have been honest and said, "Darling, I didn't have time to pick up anything meaningful for you, I'm sorry. Can I treat us to a takeaway/meal out or shall we choose you a gift online together instead?"

Have you thought that the reason your husband resorts to buying tat is because he's fed up of receiving tat from you so no longer puts thought and effort in to buying gifts for you?

Original poster
Shellabrate · 01/06/2015 19:11

Sorry if I sound cold- I would just rather forget about the gift giving if we can't do it properly, which we can't as saving for a house deposit. I want to give him things he likes and enjoys but equally, I feel as though he doesn't really have the right to dictate how present money is spent. He can just as easily buy it himself out of his personal spends and forgrt about the present aspect. I'm at a loss as to why that would be a problem, to be honest

OP posts:
Lucy61 · 01/06/2015 19:44

Oh Gosh, Shellabrate. If you won't make an effort to buy him a present he actually wants then just don't buy a present at all. After all, the present is meant to please him, not you. If you can't be generous in spirit, then don't waste your family's money on last minute tat.

Just out of interest, how often do you do nice Hingis for him day to day, eg make him a cuppa...?

Lucy61 · 01/06/2015 19:44

*things

Orange6358 · 01/06/2015 19:47

We are on a strict budget too due to saving. Infact the only way we can afford specific unessessary extras is to ask for such items as Xmas/birthday gifts. It's not essential for gifts to be surprises! It's more important that gifts please the receiver and are not wasteful - particularly when buying for a partner on a budget.

A small gift given to an unrelated person would most likely be different and in such cases it is the thought that counts.

Orange6358 · 01/06/2015 19:56

The best thing we ever did gift wise was to create amazon wish lists for family so that buyers didn't waste time looking for gifts. They also avoided wasting money/the environment and buying tat. Buyers got something they wanted. Win win all round

InstitutionCode · 01/06/2015 20:16

When we were really broke, I spent 79p on a coconut for DH's birthday.

He loved it, it was something I hate and he loves and something he would never have bought for himself.

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 01/06/2015 20:40

You don't want him to have a nice watch because you don't think you will like it?

Sorry OP, you sound a bit of a cow. Is this a reverse?

grapejuicerocks · 01/06/2015 20:42

Our family do surprise token presents that don't cost a lot, for the surprise factor. Some of these can be joke presents. Anything that costs real money is chosen by the recipient. We don't mind wasting a few pounds on surprises, but I don't want to waste a lot on something that isn't really wanted or hated . Money is too precious to be spent unwisely.

CrapBag · 01/06/2015 21:18

You sound dreadful OP and I have never told anyone that on here. Hmm

You knew it was a book he wouldn't really really want.

You have ignored his requests for the thing he does actually want, because you don't want to look at the type he will like (you know, to wear on his own wrist).

You want him to just like the things you choose, regardless of what it is, because you think people should just be grateful for a gift.

You know the date that's coming get up but you couldn't do anything else than nip in a local bookshop.

YABVU. If I were him I wouldn't bother getting you anything again. Or it would be some crap that I had picked up locally and then expect you to like. Bet you wouldn't be quite so grateful then.

coconutpie · 01/06/2015 21:18

YABVVVVU. Stop buying your DH crap he doesn't want - because that's all it is - crap - if he doesn't actually want it. I would rather receive no present than receive junk as I think it's just a complete waste of money. It is way more thoughtful to actually gift somebody something up know for definite they want and not just buying random shite you think they may like.

ragged · 01/06/2015 21:33

People make way too much out of gift giving.
Did ordinary people in 1600 even give each other Xmas or birthday gifts?
Recall in Little House series when Laura is delighted to get a single small but real doll (not a corn cob as a doll any more) & some nice food as her Xmas pressies?

grapejuicerocks · 01/06/2015 21:46

He thinks the things you buy him are crap.
You think the things he buys you are tat.

Why don't you, you know, tell and buy each other things that ahem, you actually want and like?

MMcanny · 01/06/2015 21:47

Dear Lord, that sounds really mean to say he shouldn't have something he wants because you don't want to look at it. Do you like this person at all? I have made a resolution to save up for that Rolex DH has always wanted on the basis of this thread.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 01/06/2015 21:55

Reverse? Your tone is quite odd OP.
You want to choose his presents, with not much regard for his actual taste (you know he wants a bling watch but wouldn't buy one as you wouldn't like to look at it), but want him to like it regardless? And if he won't force himself to like what you've chosen, you'd rather buy him nothing and he can buy it himself?
Do you like your DP much?
I am counting myself very lucky after reading this thread that my DH buys me things he thinks I would like rather than things he would like to look at (we have a very small present budget too).

TowerRavenSeven · 01/06/2015 22:03

We recently celebrated our anniversary, which a watch just happens to be the traditional gift for our years married, 15. Dh is a watch fanatic. I actually thought he had about 10, he really only had 3. I didn't want to give him a watch. I wanted to give him something I picked out for him. But he Really wanted another watch. I bought him the watch and he absolutely loves it! I bought it because I relented and thought of him, not me, so unfortunately I do think you Abu.

IAmAShitHotLawyer · 01/06/2015 22:16

YUBU. Be careful OP. I divorced my ex husband for this very thing. Asking me what I would like for my birthday/xmas/anniversary and then buying me something else. Just weird really. Not to mention horrible.

IAmAShitHotLawyer · 01/06/2015 22:17

And yes, he can choose and buy his own watch. Which was the first thing I did after we separated Smile

m0therofdragons · 01/06/2015 22:29

I don't get it. Your dh says he'd love s special watch and presumably he wants it as a gift so it means something - I get that as I never buy myself jewellery and so all my jewellery is either from dh, my mum or grandmother. But you ignore what he would like and get him a book? Why wouldn't get the person you love what they've asked for?
If it's a friend or distant family member then they get what they get but your dh has told you what he'd like. I just can't imagine doing this to dh then not understanding why he's miffed.

FriendlyLadybird · 01/06/2015 22:39

You're just not a present person are you, Shellabrate? The problem is, it sounds as if your husband is.

One of you is going to have to compromise.

I've bought my DH at least five watches over the years (he's bought himelf more). I can't imagine why he would need that many, but he wanted them and loved them, mostly because I bought them for him.

maddening · 01/06/2015 22:41

If you had really spent time deciding on the particular book, something that really was special or that he had always considered getting or wanted then I could understand the resentment that he doesn't want that gift but it doesn't sound like you especially did put a lot of thought rather just looked for something that would do - one was something around one of his hobbies so that'll be alright.

He really wants a watch that he would like, he will forgo other presents as he wants this watch - that would be a nice thing to do and isn't that what presents can be about.

Bambambini · 02/06/2015 00:03

Tell him to consider himself lucky as I forgot (completely) my anniversary agian this year whilst the husband (as usual) didn't.