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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To travel and do exciting things by myself if DH won't?

63 replies

JaneWasNotHerName · 31/05/2015 22:45

I want to do exciting things such as go on weekend breaks to foreign cities and in the UK, go to the theatre and concerts, and just generally see the world and have fun.

We can afford to do these things a reasonable amount.

DH doesn't want to do any of these things and gets cross and put out when I suggest doing things with the DC without him. For example I'd love to go to Paris and he doesn't want to go, so I have suggested that I take the DCs on the eurostar and he stays home and he wasn't happy at all.

I'm starting to feel resentful that he doesn't want to ever do anything (although he'll happily head off to Ibiza for a stag weekend!!).

He has also decided that we won't be going on holiday this summer, even though we can afford it. I feel like just booking one and going but again he will be pissed off.

OP posts:
PtolemysNeedle · 31/05/2015 22:47

As long as you are going to pay from your own personal money instead of family money, YANBU.

DoJo · 31/05/2015 22:48

What does he want to do? Just stay at home, or a different type of holiday?

Original poster
JaneWasNotHerName · 31/05/2015 22:49

He just wants to stay at home.

OP posts:
fiveacres · 31/05/2015 22:51

That sounds really miserable Jane. Has he always been like that?

Original poster
JaneWasNotHerName · 31/05/2015 22:51

Ptolemys, why shouldn't I take my kids on holiday with family money?

Why does he get to dictate what family money can't be used for but I can't dictate what it can be used for?

OP posts:
DoJo · 31/05/2015 22:54

Why should the kids lose out on experiencing a different side of life just because their father isn't interested? Does he plan days out near home for the family, or does he literally want to do nothing?

annielouisa · 31/05/2015 22:54

Why does he not want to go away? What does he want to spend family money on?

BikeRunSki · 31/05/2015 22:54

FiL has been doing this for years. MiL has no interest in travelling. She gets twitchy after s couple of nights with us,let alone elsewhere in UK or abroad. She went to Denmark on a temporary passport in the 1980s, and that is all. Tried a week in Jersey a couple of years but being away from home is not for her.

FiL on the other hand has watched test matches in every cricketing country in the world, spoken at international conferences all over the world and has done a huge amount of work in Tanzania and Zimbabwe (and Scotland!). They are both happy.

Original poster
JaneWasNotHerName · 31/05/2015 22:55

Nope he doesn't want to do days out either. He pulls a face if I suggest a family day out of any capacity and one the occasions that we've been on one he's been moody.

OP posts:
SpringInTheStep · 31/05/2015 22:56

You are not alone.

I don't have wisdom for you, but can commiserate with you. I feel exactly the same. Only with me, the difference is that I am physically tied to him because of my disability. I didn't have that when I first met him, and he seemed quite open to the idea of 'living the dream', but then seemed to want to stay at home more and more. At first I thought it was my disability, but it's become evident over the years that it's not; he's just become a staid old man home bird!

Was your DH ever different?

I once took DC away with my family for a long weekend away. DH was invited but declined, so I just went anyway. He didn't like it, and I hoped it might trigger some willingness in him, but it didn't.

More recently he's been open to the idea of a little holiday away, but even then we'd be tied to a hotel pool and not out sightseeing. It's the same with nights out, be it dinner or theatre. He's just not interested.

I don't know what the answer is and I'm seeking it myself too! It doesn't seem fair to force them out if they don't want to go, but equally it isn't fair to hold people back if they want to enjoy life. It's depressing enough to have my disability without leading a boring life too.

Sorry I can't be much help to you.

Drivingnovice · 31/05/2015 22:57

If it were me and DH couldn't come up with a valid reason why we shouldn't go on holiday, and I could afford it, I would tell him I needed a holiday, the DC needed a holiday and we were therefore going on holiday and I was booking it on Saturday, so please could he let me know before then if he wanted to come too.
Depending on how old the DC are Id also do some city breaks with them too. Life's too short OP......

DoJo · 31/05/2015 22:57

What reasons does he give for not wanting you and your children to travel? Is it money or just that he doesn't want anyone to have any fun? It sounds like a miserable way to live for all of you.

sooperdooper · 31/05/2015 22:57

Jesus he sounds utterly dull, I couldn't live like that, what does he do for fun? Does he have any interests at all?

Original poster
JaneWasNotHerName · 31/05/2015 22:59

No it's not money, we can afford it (both have well paying jobs)

For fun he has hobbies, plus he just watches sport on the telly and plays a bit of sport himself. He'll go on stag weekends and has a right fun time...

OP posts:
DoJo · 31/05/2015 23:00

So he's allowed to go off and have fun, it's just the rest of you that aren't? What a thoroughly mean-spirited approach to family life!

WineIsMyMainVice · 31/05/2015 23:02

You go for it OP!! If he wants to stay at home or be miserable then let him! You only get one chance at life don't you?!

Theycallmemellowjello · 31/05/2015 23:04

Oh dear he sounds awful. Bad enough that he won't do anything with you or the dc but just shocking that he goes off on stags. Of course it's not u to want holidays, days out, trips to the theatre etc. i think you should just make plans and let
him join or not. But I think maybe you also need a serious conversation about the effect his attitude is having.

Original poster
JaneWasNotHerName · 31/05/2015 23:05

The problem is if I do these things without him he won't be very happy. Not sure I can cope with the fall out.

OP posts:
DoJo · 31/05/2015 23:07

But you aren't very happy now - why does his happiness trump yours? And what would the fallout be? Not being happy because someone won't succumb to your unreasonable demands is very different from not being happy because someone is stifling your desire to experience the world and educate your children.

Jackw · 31/05/2015 23:08

Come on ptolemys needle, she hasn't got any personal money, has she, and that's why he thinks he gets to make all the decisions.

Time for the full and frank talk: all families who can afford it have a summer holiday. Depriving your wife and children of a summer holiday you can afford is borderline financial abuse. You went to Ibiza on a stag do but won't pay for me and the children to have leisure trips. That is borderline financial abuse.

Decide what your minimum expectation is e.g. one fortnight's family holiday in the summer plus one or two long weekends at half terms plus 4 concerts or theatre trips each year. Sounds reasonable to me. You are going to have to insist, no matter how pissed off he gets.

manicinsomniac · 31/05/2015 23:08

Oh my goodness, YANBU, there's no way I could live like that.

I think youw ere going to say he had a phobia of flying or something. But to blanket poo poo everything fun - all nights out, all day trips, all holidays - aaarghh, that would drive me completely insane.

Unless there's a real reason behind him being like this or unless he can learn to let you and the children go out and have fun with a good grace, I don't think I'd be able to stay with him.

stayanotherday · 31/05/2015 23:09

Yanbu. If he doesn't want to go that's up to him but he has no right to stop everybody else. I know people who put their lives on hold to do this then they never got round to it. You're right to do this while your dc are still at home and you're all able to travel. You might not have the money or health in future. Please go.

5Foot5 · 31/05/2015 23:10

He has also decided that we won't be going on holiday this summer, even though we can afford it. I feel like just booking one and going but again he will be pissed off

Well sod him! You and the DC go and enjoy yourself and leave him at home. TBH it sounds like he doesn't really want to spend time with his family. Which is shitty and probably a horrible thing to come to terms with but I guess it is up to you how you deal with that.

mrstweefromtweesville · 31/05/2015 23:10

Do it. We pass this way but once.

BackforGood · 31/05/2015 23:10

Surely any partner worth their salt can see that it's not reasonable to deprive 3 (??not sure how many dc you have) people of a holiday, just because 1 doesn't want to go - especially as you aren't even trying to insist upon making him.
I would just say 'the choice is, we all go on holiday, or I go with the dcs and you stay home - there is no option 3 - do you want me to include you in the booking or not?'