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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To travel and do exciting things by myself if DH won't?

63 replies

JaneWasNotHerName · 31/05/2015 22:45

I want to do exciting things such as go on weekend breaks to foreign cities and in the UK, go to the theatre and concerts, and just generally see the world and have fun.

We can afford to do these things a reasonable amount.

DH doesn't want to do any of these things and gets cross and put out when I suggest doing things with the DC without him. For example I'd love to go to Paris and he doesn't want to go, so I have suggested that I take the DCs on the eurostar and he stays home and he wasn't happy at all.

I'm starting to feel resentful that he doesn't want to ever do anything (although he'll happily head off to Ibiza for a stag weekend!!).

He has also decided that we won't be going on holiday this summer, even though we can afford it. I feel like just booking one and going but again he will be pissed off.

OP posts:
VelvetRose · 31/05/2015 23:14

He is being really unfair. If he doesn't want to go that's one thing (although it's unfair on the kids and you) but to object to you going??? Ridiculously selfish!

AmIbeingTreasonable · 31/05/2015 23:15

Well he is not the boss of you and cannot dictate what you can and can't do. If you allow this to happen you are going to really regret it in the future.

maddening · 31/05/2015 23:16

Count up what he spends on his hobbies and his stag weekends - add some as his dc are going so they get use of family money - use that for weekends away and hols :)

AmIbeingTreasonable · 31/05/2015 23:17

I also meant to say that this is controlling behaviour and the fact that you are worried about the fallout means that you have a much bigger issue here within your relationship.
It will only get worse if you do not take steps now.

villainousbroodmare · 31/05/2015 23:18

Go. Immediately. Be cheerful and a bit oblivious to any fallout. Enjoy. Grin

Theycallmemellowjello · 31/05/2015 23:22

What are you worried is going to happen if he's pissed off, op? How does he behave?

PtolemysNeedle · 31/05/2015 23:22

Ptolemys, why shouldn't I take my kids on holiday with family money?

I just think that things that cost a lot of money should be agreed to by both partners when you're talking about spending shared money. Isn't that something that many successfully married couples agree to?

I do think your husband is being unfair to stop you from going if the money really isn't a problem though.

TendonQueen · 31/05/2015 23:22

If he's been going on stag weekends but objects to the rest of you going anywhere, that's clearly unfair. I would put it to him as backforgood suggests above and when he moans point out that as he's been on X stag trips he owes the rest of you an equivalent amount of holiday time.

NickiFury · 31/05/2015 23:24

Of course you use family money. YOU are family and so are your children, you're three quarters of your family.

Different situation but ex prioritised himself and his social life far above us, I made a vow to myself that my children wouldn't miss out because I was sat at home moping and waiting for him to turn up or too worried about coping with them out alone.

We have split up now but I take them everywhere and we do tons of great stuff Smile.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/05/2015 23:30

Not sure I can cope with the fall out. I'm sensing a lot more than holidays. FWIW DM goes without DF and I go without DH (China and hopefully Myanmar). He goes without me (Scotland and Vegas).

If he gets to have hobbies, sports and stags, why don't you get to do what you want?

WhenMarnieWasThere · 31/05/2015 23:36

I do this.

I take my DDs to theatre trips, we've been away on uk city breaks and we've done Disneyland Paris as an easy way into working my way towards taking them away abroad next year or the year after.

The only difference is, I do it with my DH's blessing. He was a bit quiet about me taking them the first time, but has got used to it and now it's normal. And we do use family money for it, but I then spend my own money on spends when there.

I grew up in a family where my Mum was a SAHP and our family owned a caravan. It was normal for us to pitch it up on a site close enough to home for my Dad to travel to the caravan a couple of times in the week and over the weekend, but to otherwise stay at home while we were there with our Mum.

I do similar with our own caravan in the school holidays as I teach and have more holidays than DH. Some friends can't get their heads round it, but it's just normal for us.

Go for it, you'll have fun and not resent your DH for not going.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 31/05/2015 23:43

Gosh, DH doesn't like sun holidays, but has no problem with me talking DDs on a sun holiday without him. We also travel for hobbies without him, as he finds it too boring. He had no problems with us going off without him, he's happy DDs get the experience.
I do take care that we still leave enough holiday time where we can do stuff together.

Your DH is not acting fairly.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 31/05/2015 23:47

And I also go to theatre regularly, usually with DD2. DD1 and DH happy to stay at home, it's not their thing. But DH will drop us and collect us from theatre if asked.

500Decibels · 31/05/2015 23:51

Go go go!
My dh is a bit if a homebody too so I often go off with my dcs or by myself. It does annoy me but I'm not going to deprive myself or my dcs of days out and holidays.
Sometimes I arrange stuff with friends and sometimes it's just us. Sometimes he comes but not often.
My dh would never deny me the experience or the expense, he just doesn't really enjoy it or need it like I do. He's happy for me to do what I want.
Op don't let your dh make you feel bad about it when he doesn't want to go himself. That's really mean.

PuntasticUsername · 31/05/2015 23:55

How is he with your DC normally? Is he a hands on dad or a bit more, er, remote?

What I'm getting at is: would he relish the idea of spending a whole week, say, looking after his children; or is that something he would hope to avoid at all costs? Because atm it's sounding more like the latter and coupled with everything else you've said about him...yeah, he's not coming over as a very nice person to me so far, I'm afraid.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 01/06/2015 06:37

The man's a twat. DW and DD have been on holiday without me, as I can't tolerate heat. Conversely, I take DD for cultural stuff which DW doesn't like (classic horror all-nighters, weird museums, Two Cellos).

Iggi999 · 01/06/2015 06:42

Think about reaching the end of your life and regretting all the stuff you never did, to keep him sweet.

Nolim · 01/06/2015 06:47

Yanbu

LindyHemming · 01/06/2015 07:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

goshhhhhh · 01/06/2015 07:21

I'm sorry but it sounds like he doesn't want to go on holiday with the family - but happy to go with the boys. Go without him. (i've been without mine with the kids a few times due to holiday disparity & had a fab time - also fab time with him)

MrsKCastle · 01/06/2015 07:31

I agree with the poster above who said this is about more than the holidays. His whole attitude sounds atrocious- he believes that it's fine for him to go on stag weekends, but he doesn't want his family to do anything fun, either with or without him. The comment about 'dealing with the fallout' also rings alarm bells.

What gives him the right to dictate what the rest of you can do?

What are his good points- why are you with him?

MissJoMarch · 01/06/2015 07:32

My husband is like this, I've tried to take kids away by myself but it's exhausting - not only the whole doing it yourself bit, but the emotional struggle of being disappointed DH doesn't come.

My DH doesn't enjoy family days or holidays as he claims (perhaps a tiny bit rightly) that kids are harder work, don't have normal routine and we spend all our time telling them off and exhausted.

To be fair, kids are 2 and 5 so small and hard work but I also feel so sad that they don't get to go camping / sun hols etc. I take them on nearly all UK days out alone & DH smirks when I'm exhausted

OP - If you can do it & afford it, do go but it'll not be easy with DH afterwards

sandgrown · 01/06/2015 07:38

I live with someone like this so if I want to do something I just book it. To be fair he does not complain though.

Taz1212 · 01/06/2015 07:43

Go do it. DH used to travel a fair amount with work, going to India for weeks on end. Somehow it usually fell during the school holidays (coincidence, he didn't plan it that way- he went when he was told to go!). I didn't fancy missing out on holidays so the DC and I would just head somewhere on our own. With FaceTime it was so easy to keep in touch- I remember us face timing DH from our pool at PortAdventura to find that DH was also lounging by his hotel pool. Grin

I have a real travel itch and DH agrees that if I want to go somewhere that he doesn't fancy, I'm free to go own my own or bring the DC with me.

BathtimeFunkster · 01/06/2015 07:47

Maybe book him a holiday with a one way ticket?

Then he can continue to live as a single man and the rest if you can avoid "fallout" for enjoying your lives.