Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To object to this holiday?

78 replies

TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 31/05/2015 20:03

Ex just informed me on collecting DD that he's booked a holiday next year in Sharm el Sheikh? No discussion, nothing & DD is all excited. I'm bloody furious. I've now been put in the position of saying no & of course DD will just see me being mean & spoiling their big adventure

I'd never go there, not in the current climate & I'm not happy to let DD go either. Googling for current information is not easing any concerns I have & I'm bloody furious at being put in this position.

So. AIBU to say no to this? He'd need my permission to take her so I can stop it if I choose.

OP posts:
maddy68 · 31/05/2015 23:16

Sharm is not in a trouble hot spirit would have no qualms in letting my own children go. In fact I have booked to go again later in the year myself. Been several times.

Klayden · 31/05/2015 23:45

You are being ridiculous. Sharm is no more or less safe than getting on a bus in London.

MidniteScribbler · 01/06/2015 00:03

What age do you plan on removing the bubble wrap?

She could be hit by a bus walking down the street, she could be involved in a terrorist attack if she went to a museum in London, a plane could crash going to any 'safe' destination.

I suspect this is an awful lot more to do with your ex and you losing control than it is about a holiday location which has been declared to be a safe place to travel to.

AmyElliotDunne · 01/06/2015 00:06

People said DP and I were mad to go to Sharm a couple of years ago at the start of the trouble. However, on researching we found that there is only one main route from the main part of Egypt in the north to the holiday destinations in the south and the last thing they want is to lose tourist trade so there is lots of security.

It was a shithole however, and I won't be going back, but not because of any trouble, just the rude staff and crappy food!

It's like stopping someone visiting London because there's trouble in Manchester.

I agree it would have been courteous to check with you about dates etc before booking, and if you've previously expressed concerns about Sharm, then it would have been thoughtful of him to choose somewhere else, but I think your fear is unfounded and as her parent he can make a decision based on his own perception of the situation.

Try not to worry, I'm sure she'll have a great time.

Cherryblossomsinspring · 01/06/2015 06:59

I think it would have been polite to discuss it first but it sounds like you think it would have been fine to say no. I would disagree with that. It's a holiday and he's her father and will look after her as well as have a wonderful experience with her. Don't get in the way of that because you are afraid for unfounded reasons.

PeruvianFoodLover · 01/06/2015 07:06

If you think that putting your foot down and saying no will have the desired affect with no fallout, then there's no problem.

However, if the risk of backlash is high, then you may need to pick your battles.

If your previously flaky ex has belatedly become a more responsible father (under the influence of his fiancé, maybe?), he could decide to pursue legal action - which would quite likely result in him being awarded PR as well as a specific issue order allowing him to take her on holiday.

Fauxlivia · 02/06/2015 14:48

Well I would say no. He is bloody cheeky to ignore the views of the parent who actually does the full time parenting, especially when he doesn't even have PR!

If you are not comfortable then say no. Doesn't matter if people on here say yabu - she's your child, so you must do as you see fit.

sadwidow28 · 02/06/2015 15:01

Good post PeruvianFoodLover

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/06/2015 15:23

It's not a matter of opinion!! Risk assessment is a fairly scientific process. One that people are useless at taking into account.

I travel a lot and people are always telling me how dangerous the places I go are... I'm from London FFS, where there have been a number of actual and planned terrorist attacks.

knittingdad · 02/06/2015 15:41

YABU and you have no right to say no.

According to the law she has every right to say no. She has been asked in the past, and said no, and her Ex has now booked anyway. I would be furious.

Quite apart from the question of holiday destinations, it would be a warning sign to me that he is going to act unreasonably in the future.

Stinkersmum · 02/06/2015 16:06

it would be a warning sign to me that he is going to act unreasonably in the future

Yep, absolutely. What an unreasonable bastard he is, wanting to take his daughter on holiday to a perfectly acceptable destination. I'm guessing MN doesn't have a rolleyes smilie for very good reasons....

IKnowIAmButWhatAreYou · 02/06/2015 16:13

it would be a warning sign to me that he is going to act unreasonably in the future

As opposed to the OP acting unreasonably now...

Let her go & have fun with her Dad FFS...

sadwidow28 · 02/06/2015 16:33

Can I remind people that the OP herself has said that she was asked 2 years ago about Ex taking DD to this specific holiday and the Ex acceded to her wishes at that time. We don't know if she said, "Leave it a couple of years" or, "If she was a couple of years older" or "Maybe in a couple of years' time" or any other similar remark where the Ex thought it was okay this year.

We only ever get one side of a story (which I accept and understand).

The lack of discussion is a problem - but I know from experience that EQUAL discussion when there is hatred between two parents 'still at war' is not always possible. I ended up being a Step-Mother to my DH's youngest when the war battles became too much for my DH and DSD. (I was NOT the OW by the way). It wasn't my life-plan, I had it thrust upon me by two parents who couldn't co-parent and the court decided that DH should have full custody (as it was in those days).

I have loved and supported my DSD for the last 32 years and would not change a thing. I couldn't love her more if she had been my own. But, there were options for co-parenting that her DM simply couldn't/wouldn't accept so DSD came to live with us full time. (As I say - rules have changed and joint PR is an option now)

hellsbellsmelons · 02/06/2015 16:52

Oh shite - I am a bad bad parent.
I've taken my DD there twice.
And she had an absolute ball and there was no threat.
I'd fear more for her going to London than Sharm!

Branleuse · 02/06/2015 16:59

Hes her father. Surely he can make the decision? Youre not the boss

crossroads15 · 02/06/2015 18:26

YABU

He could get PR very easily if he wanted to. I think he'd be well advised to!

knittingdad · 02/06/2015 19:18

I tend to think that disagreements should be discussed in order for an agreement to be reached, rather than one party simply taking unilateral action. I make no judgement as to whether objecting to the holiday destination itself is reasonable or not, but acting unilaterally is, in my opinion.

It's not exactly the sort of behaviour that is going to build trust between parents whose relationship has broken down.

Original poster
TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 11/06/2015 12:28

Update - if anyone is bothered interested.

Sat down with ex earlier today. Both said our piece. All very cordial & polite. Upshot is, he agreed holiday set up not ideal & is now going alone, DD not going. I've stressed in future he needs to speak to me & discuss holiday options before booking anything/discussing with DD. He's agreed to this. He readily admitted that he's not thought through the practicalities - he was reacting to a disagreement with his fiancé over trying to convince her to go, so just thought 'fuck it, I'll take DD instead'. I think he was hoping to 'show her up' as being unreasonable in not agreeing to go when his 10 yr old DD was fine about it.

Having talked through all the issues & practicalities, he agrees with my points (he wasn't expecting me to have any reasonable points) & feels that this type of holiday, just the 2 of them in far way, non EU country, is best left til she's older i.e. 14+. The reasons for this are not down to my opinion on Egypt as a holiday destination - he argued similar points that have been mentioned on this thread. While that did colour my view of other aspects of practical considerations, it's mainly to do with health issues he has & the risk of something happening while they are away & how DD would cope if that happened. He's tried to persuade his fiancé to go but she's refused outright. While I still have issues over the location, had his fiancé been going, I could probably have been persuaded as long as he could ensure he was covered should anything happen to him.

DD will go on other holidays with her dad, I'm more than happy to agree to anything as long as he's discussed it with me 1st - he has a tendency to not think beyond the basics & usually needs me to ask him questions to prompt him to think of what's needed for DD as he rarely knows/thinks of this himself. As he doesn't have the same 24/7 considerations I have with DD, he doesn't think about the things most parents think about when planning things like holidays etc.

So, now it's down to me to disappoint DD & be the bad guy. The only upside is i now know when she sees her dad this weekend, we are at least in agreement & he should be able to explain things again if she really thinks I'm just spoiling their holiday together. Just not looking forward to it one bit.

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 11/06/2015 12:39

Maybe if you and your dh had a quick discussion about other possible holiday destinations for next year, before you have to tell your dd that she's not going to Sharm, Tension? If she knows she's going to go somewhere exciting with her dad, maybe that will lessen the disappointment at not going to Egypt?

Fudgeface123 · 11/06/2015 12:44

Poor kid, how disappointed she must be

Original poster
TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 11/06/2015 12:46

I did think of that STD but ex has said he's not going to be able to afford anything this year cos he's paying for the Egypt holiday next year, and next year he says he'll only be having the Egypt holiday. I'm hoping he'll still take her to Blackpool as he does that most years, but at the moment I've nothing else to help soften the blow.

DD & I are off to centre parcs in just over a week so hopefully she'll be speaking to me again by then. Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 11/06/2015 13:11

Shock Apologies - I meant SDT. Not STD.

OP posts:
Cherryblossomsinspring · 11/06/2015 13:30

I'm glad that you reached an agreement without anger with your ex. That is very important and well done. I just feel sorry for your daughter that she is missing this wonderful holiday experience with her dad for no reason that I can agree is important enough to stop them. But its not my decision! Anyway, glad you got it sorted.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 11/06/2015 15:00

No worries, Tension. Smile

ArcheryAnnie · 11/06/2015 15:13

Glad it got sorted, Tension. I'd have done the same.