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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To object to this holiday?

78 replies

TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 31/05/2015 20:03

Ex just informed me on collecting DD that he's booked a holiday next year in Sharm el Sheikh? No discussion, nothing & DD is all excited. I'm bloody furious. I've now been put in the position of saying no & of course DD will just see me being mean & spoiling their big adventure

I'd never go there, not in the current climate & I'm not happy to let DD go either. Googling for current information is not easing any concerns I have & I'm bloody furious at being put in this position.

So. AIBU to say no to this? He'd need my permission to take her so I can stop it if I choose.

OP posts:
GoodbyeToAllOfThat · 31/05/2015 20:31

Sharm el sheik is a hole? Really? Even the Four Seasons?

We were in Soma Bay (20 miles or so across the Red Sea) at Easter and it was delightful. Not dangerous.

Hillingdon · 31/05/2015 20:32

The four seasons is fab...

SugarOnTop · 31/05/2015 20:32

i'm sensing there's something more personal behind your refusal other than your 'concerns' about the current climate

i mean, after all the airplanes that have been hijacked to date, blown up, gone missing, crashed etc......i bet you have no concerns about still taking your dd on airplane when you've chosen the holiday?

the decent thing would have been for him to let you know what he was planning, THAT is something you can sort out without ruining your dd holiday.

RabbitSaysWoof · 31/05/2015 20:33

YANBU I wouldn't choose that destination either, but mostly you are YANBU to expect more from the father your child than to book something which will cause you worry and stress. Of all of the holiday destinations in the world he chose the one he knows you are worried about.

AnyoneForTennis · 31/05/2015 20:33

Wall heckd then refuse toet you take her abroad too. At a later date.

How old is she?

OwlinaTree · 31/05/2015 20:33

Thing is, Annie, we don't know what the op's co parent is like. Sounds like you have full custody, so presumably he has to ask. Op's situation may be different, I don't know.

mrstweefromtweesville · 31/05/2015 20:34

Issues here are:

How old is DD? Is she old enough to take care of herself in a crisis?
How reliable is the father? In a crisis would he put her first?

If you aren't confident that she could cope or he would look after her properly, don't let her go.

Sidge · 31/05/2015 20:36

The Four Seasons may be gorgeous but Sharm itself is a hole. If you just stay in the hotel you could be anywhere!

GoodbyeToAllOfThat · 31/05/2015 20:36

The four seasons is fab...

I believe you.

OwlinaTree · 31/05/2015 20:40

That's hardly the point sidge! That's the holiday he wants to go on! Unless you are the ddGrin

2rebecca · 31/05/2015 20:41

I didn't think custody existed any more. I thought the legal situation was that the permission of all with parental rights was needed for a child to leave the UK. The area concerned is fine. If you make life awkward for him he can veto your holiday ideas. My main concern would be time of year as it's boiling there mid summer plus it's a bit boring for a kid, I see it as a diving destination.
My kids went all over the place with their dad on holiday. If he was taking her to Syria I could understand your objection.
He sounds stupid for booking somewhere he knew you'd disapprove of though but you sound over cautious and a bit controlling.

ArcheryAnnie · 31/05/2015 20:51

I've got no problem with being thought "controlling", though, if it means I have a say in where my DS goes on holiday, and I think the OP shouldn't be scared of being thought controlling, either. Having a measure of control over the things that happen to our children is not inherently a bad thing. It's the ex who is being manipulative in and unreasonable in not consulting the OP, and even worse, choosing a spot he knows OP is likely to object to.

DisappointedOne · 31/05/2015 20:52

My husband is going there in a few weeks diving. YABU.

LinkDat · 31/05/2015 20:55

YANBU

Sidge · 31/05/2015 20:55

Definitely not Owlina Grin

I agree, he should be able to take her to the holiday destination of his choice (as long as appropriate ie not on the FCO no go list)

I just think there are nicer places to go Wink

PtolemysNeedle · 31/05/2015 21:01

YABU and you have no right to say no. You are not the only parent, and your child's father should be able to take his own child on holiday.

Sharm is fine, I go there all the time, have friends that live there and it would be mean of you not to let your dd go.

AnyoneForTennis · 31/05/2015 21:02

But he could stop you taking her abroad too op.... In the future. Works both ways

ArcheryAnnie · 31/05/2015 21:06

I'm baffled at all the people on this thread saying that one parent should not have any input into where the other parent takes them on holiday. Surely this is something that both should consult on?

karbonfootprint · 31/05/2015 21:11

Is she old enough to take care of herself in a crisis?

How is this relevant when the OP is afraid of war and terrorism? How old is old enough to look after yourself in those circumstances? 200? 300?

YANBU

Th country is unstable and there is a threat of violence.

I would say no.

I would suggest he takes her somewhere else.

He must have known when he booked that he would not be able to take her without your permission, and that you would be unlikely to give it. He shouldn't have booked it.

You will just have to tell your DD that you are saying no because you can't be sure it is safe. She will understand, even if not now, she will understand in the future.

Original poster
TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 31/05/2015 21:12

To answer a few Q's - DD is ten. Not anywhere near being able to cope in a crisis on her own. Ex doesn't have PR - he's never required it as I've always treated him as though he had it i.e. always discussed decisions with him before making final call on what to do re anything concerning DD. Always. He's what I would call reckless with regards to parenting. He'd call me over protective. Dd lives with me - sees her dad infrequently but with a degree of regularity ie he's never had her more than 25 nights in any given year since we split up but DD is always happy to see him/spend time with him & if we have no prior arrangement she sees her dad when he asks.

I do object to this holiday destination - as I said I'd never choose to go there or take DD there myself. Ex's fiancé isn't going with them, for many of the same reasons I'm not happy to let DD go there, but as she's an adult she can make that choice. Im the only parent with PR so it is down to me to decide if DD can go to this location. I'm not comfortable saying no, but I'm more (much more) uncomfortable agreeing to a holiday I would never take DD on, for many reasons I have explained to my ex before.

FWIW DD has been on holiday with her dad a few times before, once abroad (and despite my overwhelming urge to say no then, I didn't & haven't any other holiday either). But, last time he booked a holiday abroad for her, we had this discussion & have had it more than once since & he knows I would say no to this location. The fact he knows this, and books the holiday anyway, while at the same time involving DD in this before even speaking to me, is why I'm bloody furious. I'd never do the same to him, even if I'm not legally required to get his views on something like going on holiday.

I'm going to mull it over a bit & then try and speak to him - I know he can change the booking if he wants to.

OP posts:
VanitasVanitatum · 31/05/2015 21:17

It was wrong of him to book the destination without consulting you but at the same time YABU about Sharm. It's just not dangerous. I think it's unfair to limit him by your unreasonable choices, reasonable choices fine but not the unreasonable ones.

Original poster
TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 31/05/2015 21:40

Van, it's a matter of opinion on what's safe & what isn't. It's not my 'unreasonable choice' to object to a holiday destination for my DD. I don't view a resort that requires heightened security to function as a 'safe' location for a holiday. That's my opinion & as DD's parent, my opinion does count. Ex can go there all he wants, but when it concerns our DD, my input & opinion matters, no matter how 'unreasonable' you think that opinion might be. Ex knows my feelings on this location. He's been hinting about going there for a few years & he knows my views. I think it's more unreasonable that my ex has booked this knowing full well my views on that destination, than me objecting to that destination.

OP posts:
DisappointedOne · 31/05/2015 22:47

"I don't view a resort that requires heightened security to function as a 'safe' location for a holiday."

I take it she won't be visiting any museums
(or other attractions) in London anytime soon either then.

Hillingdon · 31/05/2015 22:52

Or going on the tube or buses in London? If you are looking at terrorist acts I think sadly either the UK or US will have one soon. Some misguided young person with a back pack strapped to them - just like last time.

VanitasVanitatum · 31/05/2015 23:10

It's not a matter of opinion!! Risk assessment is a fairly scientific process.