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AIBU?

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Original poster

To only financially provide for my own children?

549 replies

tinyboxtim · 31/05/2015 15:37

DH and I have been married for three years. Together we have eight (yes, eight) children. I have two (Ds11 and Dd9), he has three (SD10, SS9, Sd6) and together we have three (DTS2 and DD4mnths).

Our all entire relationship we have kept our finances completely separate. We do have a joint account that we each put our proportion of household bills and money for our childrens together needs in to. Besides that, I have always provided for my own children, and he has provided for his children/payed their child support. We live in the house that was gifted to myself and my first late husband. It has always worked well for us.

Because of our respective careers, the money my late husband left behind, and the amount that DH pays in cs, I have a lot more disposable cash than my husband. Because of this, my children have different lifestyle than my stepchildren.

Over the last couple of months, my eldest SD has been very resentful about this, making passive aggressive comments about how DD1 has something she doesn't have, etcetera.

WIBU to explain to her this weekend that we all have two parents in life that are responsible for providing for us, and just like how her dad, and to a much lesser expense, her mum (didn't say this) provide for her, I am responsible to provide for my children the best that I can? And to tell her that in the future she will need to bring it up with mum and dad if she wants something, not me, as, financially, she is not my responsibility?

OP posts:
fastdaytears · 31/05/2015 17:25

If they get put away and never mentioned then that can't hurt anyone's feelings but if your DC mention (as excited kids do) that they have a new xxx and then the SC can't play with it then that's going to lead to tears.
But on everything else I was with you!

Original poster
tinyboxtim · 31/05/2015 17:26

Ruda, No, they don't play with them. If I am worried about a 10 year old breaking a miniature doll house, I am almost certain a two year old would.

OP posts:
PeruvianFoodLover · 31/05/2015 17:27

tiny how much discussion did you and your DH have about the family practicalities prior to having your shared DCs?
What was your plan to address the totally predictable situations your family are now facing?

AlecTrevelyan006 · 31/05/2015 17:29

Mamma - I suspect she will not listen anyone's advice other than that she wants to hear. But I guess that's the internet for you.

I appreciate that in pretty much every thread no one other than the OP really knows what's going on. But I do not get any sense from the OP that he has any affection towards her step children and she sees them primarily as an annoyance.

BrieAndChilli · 31/05/2015 17:29

Will you be spending your late husbands money on your 3 children with your new DH?

fastdaytears · 31/05/2015 17:30

2 year old and miniature dolls house does sound terrifying. If no one knows about them then no issue I guess.
vomit inducing sentiment my step-siblings and half-siblings (and there are 10 of us all in) are a huge part of my life and worth all the broken toys, or would have been anyway if I'd had any miniature dolls houses. I have such a great relationship with them all and their kids and OP this blended family could be so great for your kids if the resentment can get nipped in the bud and everyone feels more comfortable.

littleshorty · 31/05/2015 17:31

Good point about the dsc having somewhere to put their things they don't want your kids to touch. Can't imagine there would be much space in the 1 little room they share be ween the 3 of them

Jackiebrambles · 31/05/2015 17:31

I'm finding this thread very upsetting. Really feel for the step children.

It's very complicated and difficult, but primarily I feel that the op's dh should be stepping up to address these issues.

Rudawakening · 31/05/2015 17:31

tiny if they are delicate and easily breakable like a dolls house (proper wooden one not plastic) then that's fair enough but you mentioned Lego? It's pretty hard to break Lego and fairly easy to replace if an accident happened.

I don't envy you, it is a very tricky situation.

CrispyFern · 31/05/2015 17:32

Your DH should put away whatever he is going to spend on his younger three for private schooling, in a pot for university or something, for the older ones.

(Really, I don't think your DH should have had three more children if he can't afford to support them all to the same level, as it is clearly going to cause unhappiness.)

AlecTrevelyan006 · 31/05/2015 17:33

broken toys are easier to mend than broken hearts

Viviennemary · 31/05/2015 17:34

Not sure what the answer is here. But eight children is a lot to provide for by anybody's standards. Seems very hard on children not to be treated equally.

debricassartcleary · 31/05/2015 17:34

Bloody hell poor stepchildren. This is such twisted way to bring up children. Your dh needs to set aside an equal amount of cash for his kids who are in state school. You can't fuck around with children like this. They will have self esteem issues later on. I'm sure you couldn't care less. If he has already sorry, if not you are a couple of arseholes.
Sorry this thread has really pissed me off.

PurpleDaisies · 31/05/2015 17:34

Did I miss somewhere whether the op has said whether the conversation where told her step daughter she wasn't her financial responsibility has happened already or not? There are now rather a lot of posts on this thread and I might have skipped past it.

bloodyteenagers · 31/05/2015 17:36

Why would there be resentment over the hidden toys
There's stuff that younger siblings weren't able to play with. Stuff that gets put away when house guests come.
Doesn't mean they are any less part of the household, just the owner doesn't want others playing with their stuff and potentially getting broke.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/05/2015 17:36

It's tge discrepancy between the school fees that is not good, it's not on tgat their shared children are getting half the private school fees paid by their dad, but step children appear have no provision by their dad. Is your dh contributing an equal amount in maintencence for them tgat woukd equal half orivate school fees, or not. If it's not, than this has to be rectified, even if that means your shared children do not go to private school, if your dh cannot afford to do this.

DinosaursRoar · 31/05/2015 17:37

i would have thought the toys issue was easily fixed by the Op's DH buying his DCs some toys that stay at "dad's house" that they are told are put away when they aren't there and steps/half's won't be allowed to take them, and they don't have to share with their step/half siblings if they don't want to, but if not sharing, have to play with privately. (so in bedrooms, not in living room etc).

It really does come down to how your DH deals with the disparity/the 'excess' money of his 'half' of their private school fees, if that is being saved or spent on additional treats, then perhaps it should be explained to them. If hes just spending it on himself, that is him creating problems for you with his spending habits.

And also what the 'extras' SD was upset about are - you've not said. Is it just private schooling? What else? Is it stuff that happens when they are having access, or stuff that happens in the week when they aren't? If your DH has the funding for half of 3 lots of private schooling, then we are talking about a £1.5k a month-ish budget. If he's not saving that, then that's a large "treats at dad's house" budget.

Is it infact, not a problem with how you spend your money, but actually a problem in how your DH spends his?

Fromparistoberlin73 · 31/05/2015 17:38

Just .....yabu

And your step children will grow up unhappier for this

Fucking depressing post OP

Aeroflotgirl · 31/05/2015 17:39

While I see op logic, she is coming across as quite cold and clinical towards her step kids. And does not seem interested in redressing the balance, even if it means suggesting ways that her dh can make equal provision for his children. It sounds like their mother is not that well off.

fastdaytears · 31/05/2015 17:40

bloodyteenagers but SC are not house guests and the SC here are overlapping ages with the OP's DC

AlecTrevelyan006 · 31/05/2015 17:40

actually, I don't think it's a healthy situation for any of the children. Very sad all round.

ElPathetico · 31/05/2015 17:40

Is your DH a firefighter?

Aeroflotgirl · 31/05/2015 17:41

Exactly dinosaur, it's your dh who has to address these issues, he not you, who has to talk to his kids.

DinosaursRoar · 31/05/2015 17:41

Alec - I really hate the idea that the OP's DCs (who have been through a lot!) are told that they aren't allowed to keep any of their stuff private! They are told they aren't allowed to play with anything they won't share when their step-siblings are there, which is fair enough.

But in our household, DC1 isn't expected to share all his toys with DC2, but anythign he doesn't want his little sister to play with he has to keep in his room (so not playing with it in front of her).

Don't your DCs have anything that's just theirs? Is everything available to anyone? no toys kept for just the person they were given too, no toys kept away from younger DCs who might break them?

yellowdinosauragain · 31/05/2015 17:41

There are people with far more relevant experience than me to comment on the rights and wrongs her, and I can certainly see both sides.

The thing I'm perplexed by though is the private school thing. I mean how is that such an issue? IMHO, from a state school background, private schools aren't necessarily better, just different. For individual children they may or may not be better. I very much doubt this is what is bothering dsd, it seems inconceivable that this is as much an issue to her as those posting here, and I'd bet a large amount of money that she's more bothered by toys than school!

The step children will almost certainly be at different schools anyway given that they live mostly with their mum, so the only reason this would be a sticking point is if the adults are making it so. In which case they need to stop as this will make this harder not easier for the children involved.

For what it's worth, me and my sister went to state school and our younger brother went to private school because in his case our parents thought it would benefit him in ways that weren't an issue for my sister and I. we didn't care, in fact wouldn't have wanted to change schools and leave our friends. I appreciate this doesn't involve complicated step parenting dynamics but I honestly doubt this is the key issue in a way that is being presented on here.