To only financially provide for my own children?

[tinyboxtim]

DH and I have been married for three years. Together we have eight (yes, eight) children. I have two (Ds11 and Dd9), he has three (SD10, SS9, Sd6) and together we have three (DTS2 and DD4mnths).

Our all entire relationship we have kept our finances completely separate. We do have a joint account that we each put our proportion of household bills and money for our childrens together needs in to. Besides that, I have always provided for my own children, and he has provided for his children/payed their child support. We live in the house that was gifted to myself and my first late husband. It has always worked well for us.

Because of our respective careers, the money my late husband left behind, and the amount that DH pays in cs, I have a lot more disposable cash than my husband. Because of this, my children have different lifestyle than my stepchildren.

Over the last couple of months, my eldest SD has been very resentful about this, making passive aggressive comments about how DD1 has something she doesn't have, etcetera.

WIBU to explain to her this weekend that we all have two parents in life that are responsible for providing for us, and just like how her dad, and to a much lesser expense, her mum (didn't say this) provide for her, I am responsible to provide for my children the best that I can? And to tell her that in the future she will need to bring it up with mum and dad if she wants something, not me, as, financially, she is not my responsibility?

I haven't read the full thread but I think YANBU, that is like his ex partners new boyfriend providing for your children. Weird .

I remember a post a few months ago asking whether it was reasonable to move step-children from 2 rooms into 1 to make room for a new baby, which fits with this one.

I remember being shocked at the seeming lack of thinking things through before having more children and a general sense of absence of OP's second husband's in decision-making/viewpoint on that thread too.

The most obvious thing to me is that if the father of 5 children is intending to pay half the private school fees for the younger 3, he very much needs to be putting aside the equivalent money (with 'back payment') for his older 2 children.

I really feel sorry for the step children in the OP soon they wont want to actully spend time with their father because of shit accomidation (i am sorry but 3 children in 1 room and its the smallest from her last thread) is just wrong.

But hey the OP doesnt need to compromise as she gets what she wants by not compromising (if the house has 5 bedrooms i am pretty sure they can lose a downstairs repcetion room to create a 6th bedroom so alteast the step children have different gendered rooms and no a sofa couch in the living room isnt on ether which was a suggestion in the last thread)

But hey being by not compromising the problem will disappear as the step kids will stop wanting to come over

And the DH should step up and treat his children better like putting money in savings just for them rather than joint savings for university or for a car / house deposit as that is exactly what the OP is doing for all her children while seemingly making it difficult for the DH to do so as well (if she expect him to fund there joint 3 private education in primary when its less immportant than secondry school anyway)

Yep. Perhaps putting the equivalent to his half of the school fees in a savings account.

I think what the people saying 'It's yours, don't give them a penny' school of thought are overlooking the fact that there are real children involved in this. And this situation is going to massively fuck them up emotionally, always being second best.

As for being 'lucky'. Well she's not been lucky, but she has been extremely fortunate in that being widowed did not lead to the penury that it often can for many women. She is financially fortunate. And I'm not particularly inclined to think her being a widow excuses her behaviour. The vast majority of us will be bereaved and most of us will lose a partner at some point or another. A lot of the people that happens to will be total bastards. Having something tragic happen to you doesn't make you a good person or give you carte Blanche to treat other people like shit. It's amazing how many people think it does.

This thread is going to apppear in the "ladies" section of a shitty newspaper this week.

OP, if you so wanted advice why have you popped in every three or four pages,said little and vanished again? Typing up the copy?

I was going to post my "blended family" tale but I think I'll save it for the comments underneath your article.

YANBU but let your step daughter's dad do the explaining.

Step families are never going to be equal. I know because we have a mine, his and ours situation with the kids too. But it doesn't need to be a big deal as long as all kids are loved and have their needs met.

My oldest child goes to private school. My youngest who is also DP's will go to state school. So what? As long as both schools are meeting the educational needs of my girls.

I'm sorry but I think that is awful. As parents and as a family it is your duty to hide the financials from the children and make sure they all feel the same value when under your roof. They are just children and very vulnerable to being treated differently. Step children or otherwise, they should be treated absolutely equally. I feel terribly sorry for your step children.

I don't think I've ever been appalled by a thread before.

I think the very sad and telling thing is, somebody pointed further up thread, how op referred to her step children as SD or SS, but her own kids have the dear in front, says it all really. When talking about her step kids, sounds very cold and clinical, with very little affection or warmth towards them.

No op you don't need a spreadsheet every month from your dh, ask him whether he is saving money in accounts for his kids that is eual to your shared chikdrens private school fees.

As long as op and hers are ok, that's fine.

Once I had children I would never marry, or live, with someone who had children if any of the children were going to be treated differently.
I certainly wouldn't have joint children if the partner favoured them over step children.

The parents of the stepchildren created this difficult situation by breaking up their home, moving on to a new partner and by the choices they have made about how to spend their income and yet vitriol is being heaped on the stepmother.

Parents cause their children a lot of hurt by the choices they make but they gloss over the hurt, instead deflecting blame onto step-parents, usually the stepmother. Like a juicer, you want to extract every last bit of goodness from the stepmother, her love, care and money, but she better know her place and not overstep the mark.

Stepmother equals poisoned chalice. No thanks!

This thread is ridiculous! As the OP should pay for her STEPchildren to have private education (according to most on this thread) should she also set up a fund for the neighbourhood kids - who have TWO parents already that cant afford to send the DC.

Her step children have their own parents! Why should OP have to contribute anything! They are not her children!

Bonkers!

And I bet the majority that say she should pay don't have stepchildren themselves !

Yanbu op.

Where is the DH in all of this??

He should be the one ensuring that his children are happy loved and stable when they staying at theirs. He should be the ones a dressing any inequalities and explaining to his DC.

The SC have two of their own parents who should be providing everything they can within their means. Why should it fall to the op? Why is she getting such a rap for protecting what was left for her and her DC.

It is a fact of life that there are differences and inequalities but I'm sure with careful explaining and a loving attitude from the DH to his children a lot of this can be resolved. Life is unfair.

Why should you automatically love and want to provide for a partners children that you only see half of the time and who have their own mother????

I don't think people particularly want the op to pay, it's just that the way their finances are set up, his older children are being let down, I presume, by a maintenance payment that doesn't allow for 'nice' things. Although if his children want a ds or whatever they are coveting why isn't their dad forking out for one?

I agree, the unfair bit is if your DH spends more of "his" money on his younger three DC than his older two, just because he's going by the terms of the maintenance agreement.

How about contributing more than DH to your joint account for running the household so that he has more disposable income to treat his other children the same as yours? I think if you don't treat all children the same you are setting up divisions and resentment between them rather than having a truly blended harmonious family. Wouldn't you prefer that they all get on well and support each other, who knows what the future will bring and they made need each other if something happened to you or DH.

But he also offered to pay half of his DC with his ex wife schooling and she said no - this is not the OP's problem . She shouldn't have to provide what their own mother won't

Why should any of Ops children miss out just because the ex can't afford her half?

OP's children would only miss out under my proposal if it meant their father spent less on them and OP was unable to make up the difference.

So what you mean is, why should the OP's children get less from their father, as a consequence of their father now deciding to treat all his children equally?

None of OP's money is going to the step-children, if OP's children "miss out" based on previous expectations, it's because previous expectactions were based on their father favouring his children with her over his children with someone else. Previous expectations did not accurately assess how much the father was capable of fairly contributing towards his children with OP.

I have to say, I think this thread would be a very different kettle of fish from some people if the OP was a man saying he wanted to do this to his SC.

I think its the OP's view that seems to be the biggest issue. I understand why she doesn't want to spend 'her' money on DSC, but the reality is that they are a family and she can't wash her hands of her DH's finances and his obligations towards his children.

But she's not stopping him from doing anything with his money is she?

And she can do what she wants with her own for her own children.

I have to agree that if this was a DH doing this to his SC then there would be unanimous outrage.

YABU OP. Its selfish behaviour and I can't believe you'd do this to children. I understand what you say about you're doing it but am astonished that you think its right.

You're married, you're supposed to be a family. Fair enough keep your older DC's inheritance for them for houses etc for when they're older, but otherwise you should be doing your very hardest to treat them equally.

Your SD is 10, still very young and will struggle to understand such "unfairness".

Although if his children want a ds or whatever they are coveting why isn't their dad forking out for one?

You have a good point there; why isn't the dad paying out for a Nintendo DS or other things that HIS children want? I don't think it is OPs responsibility to fork out for these things for her own children as well as for her step children. The step children's own parents should be responsible for forking out for those things especially as OP and her husband do not share their finances as such. It isn't the OP that is depriving her step children of material things, it is their own parents. The focus should be on why isn't the DH or the children's mother buying these things. The DH can obviously afford to buy these things if he could afford 50% of school fees. Perhaps the children's mother can't afford those things, but we don't actually know that from the information provided by the OP.
I'm not sure that the bedroom situation is entirely fair but it was OPs home and her children's home prior to her DH coming along and I don't think it would be fair to turf them out of their rooms to make way for step siblings. The answer is probably converting another room in the house so that as the step children enter their teens they can have a room for each gender of the step children. After all those children do have bedrooms at their full time home.

OP fell in love with her DH and whilst ideally she would also love her step children I think it is unrealistic to expect her to love them as much as she loves her own children or want to provide for them in the same way if it means giving less to her own children. OPs husband must be aware that his wife feels differently about her own children than she does about her step children, but they have their own mother to lavish love and affection on them. It doesn't sound like the OP is directly unpleasant to the step children, she just thinks her husband should be responsible in the same way that she is responsible for the children from her first marriage.

Whatever OP decides to spend her inheritance and earnings on is up to her. It is her money to do with as she sees fit. I assume the children from the late husband have their own ring fenced inheritance so any money the OP has is hers and she can spend it on any of her children if she wants to.