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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To only financially provide for my own children?

549 replies

tinyboxtim · 31/05/2015 15:37

DH and I have been married for three years. Together we have eight (yes, eight) children. I have two (Ds11 and Dd9), he has three (SD10, SS9, Sd6) and together we have three (DTS2 and DD4mnths).

Our all entire relationship we have kept our finances completely separate. We do have a joint account that we each put our proportion of household bills and money for our childrens together needs in to. Besides that, I have always provided for my own children, and he has provided for his children/payed their child support. We live in the house that was gifted to myself and my first late husband. It has always worked well for us.

Because of our respective careers, the money my late husband left behind, and the amount that DH pays in cs, I have a lot more disposable cash than my husband. Because of this, my children have different lifestyle than my stepchildren.

Over the last couple of months, my eldest SD has been very resentful about this, making passive aggressive comments about how DD1 has something she doesn't have, etcetera.

WIBU to explain to her this weekend that we all have two parents in life that are responsible for providing for us, and just like how her dad, and to a much lesser expense, her mum (didn't say this) provide for her, I am responsible to provide for my children the best that I can? And to tell her that in the future she will need to bring it up with mum and dad if she wants something, not me, as, financially, she is not my responsibility?

OP posts:

worridmum · 31/05/2015 21:50

but you do see a problem with the step children mixed genders having to share the same room? even the goverments bedroom tax doesnt make mixed genders share the same room you know......

its Step daughter aged 10 and 2 step sons.... (step sons can share a room together but you cannot really expect the step daughter to share as well with her younger brothers.....)

Grumpyoldbiddy · 31/05/2015 21:52

I havent RTFT, but I'm horrified that you would think, let alone say this to your stepdaughter.

Genuinely

imnotfat · 31/05/2015 21:56

This could easily have been An AIBU from the step children's mother complaining that she is sick to death of her ex husbands new wife spoiling the children, buying their affection and making her look tight, buying them ponies, paying for them to attend private school when she prefers state school and constantly giving them things that she herself can't afford.

I think if a mother said that on here, she would be called out for BVU, and very jealous. If someone wants to financially help out their step children, because they are in a financial position to do so, good for them. The children would be very lucky to have such a generous stepmother.

Aermingers · 31/05/2015 21:57

This reminds me of Cinderella. YABU.

Sierraspider · 31/05/2015 21:58

If your step children live with you then you are being very, very unreasonable.

Aermingers · 31/05/2015 21:58

You know, when there are 300 year old stories cautioning against this sort of thing you can pretty much say YABU is a safe bet.

Susiesoop · 31/05/2015 22:00

YANBU to financially provide for your DC. YABU to have that discussion with a 10 child. It appears from your post that actions around 'stuff' have been noticed and this discussion has confirmed that there is a difference and you stand by this. But in your opinion are the differences very apparent? If so Your DH ideally needs to have a plan for how he will treat his 6 (8) children so that he can frame discussions with them age appropriately and transparently. If its unexplainable and unfair
... well then perhaps some adjustments need to be made? All siblings get jealous and 'unfair' gets bandied around but is this more? If the children in your shared family are perceiving an unfair difference this will be divisive in the long term and unhelpful for all of you. Its reasonable there will be differences but if they are cut along lines of have/have not resentment will follow. Not all things in life are cut materially fairly but children benefit from being heard and treated as equally important emotionally.

Rudawakening · 31/05/2015 22:05

aer Cinderella was the rightful heir, the step sisters were not, so where is the comparison?

or is it to compare the OP to the evil stepmother putting her children first?

Either way it's a massive over exaggeration, the SC are not used as slaves, they are not starving or dressed I'm rags that we know of, they also have 2 actual parents to provide for them.

So many threads on here about Step parents over stepping the line on discipline and other issues, just like if the Op came in here saying she spent loads of money on SC and they still didn't like her she would probably be told that she should stop buying their affection.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't comes to mind.

prorsum · 31/05/2015 22:05

Some very gentle handling will be needed with DS, not that it will make much difference I suspect. No worries, she'll make Dad pay for it and will probably stop coming to your home the first chance she gets.

PtolemysNeedle · 31/05/2015 22:09

I don't think mixed genders sharing a room is a huge deal when it only happens for holidays and every other weekend. My children share with opposite sex cousins when their dad takes them camping or they go on trips with his family, as long as it's not the permenant arrangement, it's really not that big a deal. My step siblings didn't have their own room at our house when I was growing up, and it was never an issue.

The OP said her older children had their rooms specially decorated by their Dad, it would be cruel to make them give them up. The step children have their own rooms at their own primary home.

Grumpyoldbiddy · 31/05/2015 22:11

Rudawakening - not buying a child's affection is significantly different from treating children within your family so differently that it is noticed and telling your stepdaughter that she is not your responsibility and she needs to discuss things with her mum and dad.

This reads to me (and will probably sound to her) like I don't care about you.

morage · 31/05/2015 22:11

Every second weekend is different from a camping trip.

Lioninthesun · 31/05/2015 22:12

When you choose to marry a man with kids you have to accept them as a financial responsibility. Why do so few women understand this? Even when I look after other peoples kids for the day I ensure they all get the same treatment! If you are a step mum this should be even more apparent.
You are an acting role model in their lives as well as your kids. What do your kids think? Are they happy being treated like the chosen ones while the step children have it tough? I bet they aren't or if they are you should be thinking about what lessons they have learnt from you in this regard.

ClawofBumhead · 31/05/2015 22:13

Don't treat the children in your house differently.

Other considerations are secondary to this, OBVIOUSLY.

whois · 31/05/2015 22:14

if the OP wanted to maintain the same lifestyle for her DCs as they had in the nuclear family unit, then she could have made choices compatible with that

Agreed

PtolemysNeedle · 31/05/2015 22:15

Yes it is different, but it also shows that sharing a room with a child of the opposite sex sometimes isn't the awful damaging experience that it's being made out to be.

PeruvianFoodLover · 31/05/2015 22:16

My step siblings didn't have their own room at our house when I was growing up, and it was never an issue.

Was that because your home wasn't big enough to accommodate the blended family, or because your parent went on to have additional DCs with your stepparent?

I think it makes a big difference - the OP and her DH have expanded their family, but the OPs DCs are shielded from the natural impact of that choice because the OP is unwilling to alter the status-quo that existed when their dad was alive.

Rudawakening · 31/05/2015 22:17

grumpy the op never comfirmed she actually had the conversation with her SD and we don't actually know the differences apart from some games consoles and education, which I think most people agree she shouldn't be responsible for.

ElkTheory · 31/05/2015 22:18

In a family with eight children and five bedrooms, sharing rooms is the only option. Given the current ages of the children involved, it seems to me to make most sense for the OP's children to share their rooms with their step-siblings. It would only be for a few days a month, after all. It sounded to me as though the OP actually wanted to move the stepchildren from their current shared room so the baby can move out of the parents' room. So sharing with the OP's older children would make sense. As the children get older, different configurations may work better. Or perhaps a larger house may be on the cards.

As for the separate finances, is it typical for couples to split expenses down the middle? Or do people generally share expenses based on their respective earnings, e.g., splitting bills 60/40 or 70/30 or whatever, depending on how much they earn? Although the idea of separate finances is not something my husband and I ever contemplated, I would think that the latter approach is much fairer than a strict 50/50 division if the partners earn substantially different incomes.

morage · 31/05/2015 22:18

Ptolemy - Nobody is saying it is a damaging experience. But teenagers of different sexes are usually not happy to share rooms regularly, because they do want privacy. Children's feelings matter.

PurpleDaisies · 31/05/2015 22:20

I asked to op repeatedly whether she'd had that conversation with her step daughter and she didn't engage. I hope it was a theoretical conversation or she's very likely to have a very hurt, very resentful 10 year old child to deal with. I think she's forgotten that kid had feelings and a bare faced technically true you are not my financial responsibility could well have been interpreted as I don't give a damn about you so go bother someone else.

Grumpyoldbiddy · 31/05/2015 22:21

The 'didn't say this' in the middle implies that she did have this conversation. My personal view (as a step mum of 2 who were treated very differently by birth mum and stepdad from their own kids) is that ensuring that the kids feel equally loved and valued is incredibly important. Even if it is things like computer games and particularly education.

PtolemysNeedle · 31/05/2015 22:22

Was that because your home wasn't big enough to accommodate the blended family, or because your parent went on to have additional DCs with your stepparent?

No, it was because there was no need for it. There was a spare bedroom with a double bed, sometimes they slept there, sometimes one of them would sleep there and one of them would sleep on the pull down bed in my room, sometimes we'd all sleep on the sofa and sofa bed in the living room. Saying that though, I've never really thought about what my mum and her DH were thinking at the time, we just got on with it and it wasn't a big deal.

LaurieMarlow · 31/05/2015 22:23

Hmmm. I think safeguarding your children's inheritance is very important and covering your children's school fees, but not his, is also fair enough.

On the other hand, I feel the discrepancies you're describing when it comes to rooms, toys and activities is awful. I struggle to square this with you giving any kind of shit about his kids and I feel very sorry for your stepdaughter. What kind of message is this sending to her?

I wonder has a situation ever arisen where you have compromised on your own children's interests to spread the wealth across the blended family? Perhaps there has. I'd be interested to know.

PurpleDaisies · 31/05/2015 22:24

I was hoping the W was for would, rather than was...it does read like the conversation happened. I wonder how it went from the op's point of view.

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