To stop seeing friend because of her attitude to infertility?

[SweetCharlotteRose]

We can't have children, failed fertility treatment, donor treatments etc etc. we've kept it very private and hardly anyone knows.

One of my friends (3 easily and instantly conceived children) was talking about someone else she knows who can't have children naturally and has just had a round of failed ivf. My friend said that if it doesn't happen naturally you should just accept that there's a reason you aren't meant to have children and that perhaps you can't get pregnant because as a couple you're incompatible. She said it should be easy and if it's not maybe its nature's way of saying you shouldn't be a parent.

Now obviously she does not know my fertility history but Aibu to find it very very difficult to see her? She came across really smug - like 'look at me with my easily conceived healthy children, I must be so compatible with my partner.'
It's made me feel really sad. It's what you think to yourself in particularly dark moments, so to know other people think it too is horrid. It makes me very glad we've hardly told anyone if that's how people judge you if you're infertile.

I would definitely drop such an ignorant, opinionated, thoughtless mouthy "friend".

rats I think that there is a world of difference between being accidentally and unknowingly insensitive to a childless friend and making the hateful comments that this woman made to the OP.

Charlotte I'd drop her like a stone. Without compunction. And I'm usually pretty forgiving.

For those 3am worries:

We are an extraordinarily close couple - people comment on it regularly.

We are very modest fab parents. By any measure we are doing a good job (so far anyway!)

It took us most of a decade and several rounds of IVF to conceive.

It wasn't our relationship, it wasn't our parental skills, it was just some unfortunate biology.

I do find it significant that in all the times someone has said one thing breathtakingly stupid to me about fertility problems or treatment I've never found it to be anyone who has experienced any of those things.

Some people should keep their mouths shut in order to better count their blessings.

"It makes me very glad we've hardly told anyone if that's how people judge you if you're infertile."

You are a better woman than I am, OP.

Granted, I only had to deal with secondary infertility, rather than primary - but I could never have stood for what you've dealt with here.

I dealt with my infertility issues with brutal honesty and I would have taken this kind of 'friend' to task by spelling out my every failed treatment, every miscarriage, every disappointment, every distressing episode (in my case, there were many of each) and asking her point blank whether she seriously believed what she was spouting.

Whether she really thought that my DH and I were actually incompatible simply because we were struggling to conceive successfully.

Whether she really thought that the very many fecklessly fertile (and quite frankly often abusive) parents out there really deserved multiple babies when I couldn't have any. Or the easily-fertile-but-couldn't-really-give-a-shit ones.

I would have deliberately set out to make her feel guilty. Guilty and undeserving.

I would have wanted to watch her squirm. In your shoes I would have socked her between the eyes with every painful detail of my own situation and made her squirm.

As i say, you are clearly a better woman than me, because all you want to do is stop seeing her, rather than taking the nasty little madam to task.

My view is that she doesn't deserve her three easily-conceived children - and you do not deserve to feel shite because of her pig-shit-thick opinions.

Drop her. She's an idiot. And make it clear to her how utterly stupid her opinion is before you do it, or the unfairness of it will carry on bothering you.

She sounds awful

Oh god you should drop this "friend".
I have never used this word in RL, or said it, and it is the first time I have even typed it but yes, your friend is a cunt!

We had fertility problems. We had IVF. Oh we were so lucky we had our DD and she is now a lovely, happy, delightful 19yo. We know how lucky we were and, though we don't claim to be child rearing experts, for people who had trouble conceiving in the first place we don't seem to have done too bad a job.

You should not have 3am doubts. Not unless those doubts have anything to do with why you are still seeing this ignorant, narrow-minded, judgemental cow.

YY to posting her a link to this thread!!

She's an arse and you should ditch her. And you should let her know why....

She sounds awful

Utterly thick and ignorant, insensitive, narrow minded, rude, smug, and basically a total cow

As you know, what she's saying is total nonsense

Sorry about your fertility issues

We all have stuff we disagree with friends on, it'd be a boring world otherwise.

You can tell a friend something they said was upsetting. I expect if she's a good person she didn't mean to hurt you. No need to auto dump friendships.

She's a bitch. Tell her so, then dump her.

Claw this isn't really the same as 'having stuff we disagree on'.

This isn't not supporting the same political party or having different child rearing styles.

This is a woman, discussing her own friend's infertility issues with a third party and blaming her friend and her husband for those heartbreaking issues whilst unknowingly heaping coals in the head of the third party.

She was being deliberately dreadful (not to say indiscreet) about her other friend quite apart from how it made the OP feel.

I've been in the OP's position, although the comments weren't so terrible, it in no way came under the category of 'stuff we don't agree on'.

Not trying to defend her at all, but is there a chance that she just meant that couples who find it hard to conceive are genetically incompatible? Because I know at least one couple who have been told specifically that this is likely to be the cause of their fertility problems (in their case it was repeated miscarriages which were investigated and this was the result). Perhaps that is what her friend has experienced, so she is clumsily referring to that?

Saying that it 'should be easy' is of course bollocks and it sounds like she has a fairly shitty attitude to the subject in general, but on this single point, is it possible that there is an alternative interpretation which isn't quite so breathtakingly foolish? She surely can't believe that the strength of a couple's relationship can be judged on how easy they find it to conceive can she?

So she's a good friend In every other way but you are prepared to drop her because of a comment about infertility. Ok, it might not have been totally PC but she doesn't even know your situation, we all tread carefully when aware of people's problems. Sorry but all these comments to drop her say more about the posters than your friend!

Honestly you'd some MNers were born being right about everything.

Show me someone who has never thought one thing where they had their mind changed or eyes opened by knowing someone closer to the issue, and I'll show you a blinkered ignorant person.

It would probably do OPs friend some good to have to ponder her standpoint with her friend in mind.

Conceiving easily means just one thing. You conceive easily. Parenting, entirely different.

On your friend's rationale, many gay and lesbian parents would be "not meant to be parents" Pish.

I am 50, two beautiful children I conceived "easily" at 25, 31. Parenting them has been the hard work. My XH loves them both, but in no way a natural parent, if such a thing exists. Their SD, he finds it much easier, despite no biological link.

Your friend is simply wrong, and insensitive.

I was wondering the same as dojo.... could part of the issue be poor choice of words bt op friend. . or misunderstanding of intent or definition. As said sometimes couples can be biolgically incompatible with woman rejecting mans sperm so to speak rather than it being a comment on the relationship. Same maybe with the comment about some people maybe not meant to be parents... ... again poor choice of words but sometimes people phrase lots of hsppenongs as "its just not meant to be " to indicate its nobodys fault ? Only the friend really knows what she intended really of course but maybe before contact discontinued a non revealing conversation about general or hypothtical infertility situation might reveal what she actually means. ... same with her saying it should be easy.. yes it should be easy in that no one should have to deal with infertility. .. could it be that was what was meant.

As part if a family with all four generations having fertility problems I really understand how bloody awful it can be to see others apparently effortlessly conceive and sometimes be insensitive and minimise the issue etc

I could not continue to be friends woth someone as thick and wilfully unpleasant as this moron. People are disgusting. For you OP.