To stop seeing friend because of her attitude to infertility?

[SweetCharlotteRose]

We can't have children, failed fertility treatment, donor treatments etc etc. we've kept it very private and hardly anyone knows.

One of my friends (3 easily and instantly conceived children) was talking about someone else she knows who can't have children naturally and has just had a round of failed ivf. My friend said that if it doesn't happen naturally you should just accept that there's a reason you aren't meant to have children and that perhaps you can't get pregnant because as a couple you're incompatible. She said it should be easy and if it's not maybe its nature's way of saying you shouldn't be a parent.

Now obviously she does not know my fertility history but Aibu to find it very very difficult to see her? She came across really smug - like 'look at me with my easily conceived healthy children, I must be so compatible with my partner.'
It's made me feel really sad. It's what you think to yourself in particularly dark moments, so to know other people think it too is horrid. It makes me very glad we've hardly told anyone if that's how people judge you if you're infertile.

My friend said that if it doesn't happen naturally you should just accept that there's a reason you aren't meant to have children and that perhaps you can't get pregnant because as a couple you're incompatible. She said it should be easy and if it's not maybe its nature's way of saying you shouldn't be a parent.

I'm speechless that she actually said something like this outloud!!!! What a horrible, cruel and nasty person she must be to think such a thing.

I've experienced infertility. My husband has a zero sperm count. He is a totally natural father, he adores children and they are drawn to him. The fact that through a cruel quirk of genetics he cannot biologically father a child is a huge irony.

Anyway. If I were you, I'd tell her. Shame her, make her feel embarrassed for what she said. Unless associated with infertility. It was a dark, sad, horrible time of my life. Luckily, my husband and I were blessed with 2 adopted children.

I'm always so sad to hear about others experiencing infertility. Take care of yourself and your husband and be kind to yourself. Surround yourselves with people who will love and support you.

Wow, this woman sounds...delightful

If you value the friendship maybe consider telling her about what you've been going through and see if she will quit with her mean comments, most people once they can see how offensive they've been will then feel guilty and stop. If you don't want to make a go of the friendship then I'd just go NC with a brief summary as to why, should she ask.

She's sounds awful. I would challenge but I totally understand if you don't want to or it is too painful and you are totally within bound to stop seeing her, tbh. Vile attitude.

She sounds absolutely batshit. Avoid!

This morning I heard pregnancy news from a couple who have been trying for 8 years. Natural conception after failed IVF. I also have family members who struggled for 8-15 years then had healthy families (one couple had 3 kids, all naturally)

If it is what you want never give up and never listen to ANYONE who comes out with narrow minded judgemental crap like this. Stay strong x

I am sure I have been insensitive to people with fertility issues who I have wrongly assumed to just not want kids. I see not having kids as a positive choice and not necessarily a wholely negative thing to have foisted on you. Some people find that view wrong. I have not experienced infertility but have faithfully supported friends who have while others have deserted in troves due to the obsession infertility can engender. Your friend probably has no idea of your issues and as a mother of three had no romantic notions of motherhood.

Yanbu. I would drop her. If she can share a friends confidence, judge her and her oh and be so very ignorant, smug and spiteful...well you are losing nothing. This person will do the same to you.

Honestly I would go nc and let her wonder on why. And I would do that ti anyone so horrible, regardless of my own fertility.

Im so sorry op.

If nature was that simple, it wouldn't have enabled my -useless prick of an- ex to father my son; we were definitely incompatible so your friend is talking pure shite. YANBU.

Whilst half of me hopes you never have to spend time with this woman ever again, the other half would love you to challenge her nasty thoughts. One question would be to ask her if she therefore believes that pregnancies which occur through rape show that the parents must be compatible.

Maybe she does? Nasty and thick, as others have stated.

I clicked on this thinking I was going to read how your "friend" thought the availability of IVF on the NHS should be limited, or something. But:

That's awful, really awful. I'd be so ashamed to even think something like that, let alone let it drop from my lips. It's also a completely stupid thing to say, but that would bother me less than the total lack iof empathy and utter smugness.

Drop her like a red hot coal. I would, and I'm lucky enough not to have fertility issues.

YANBU, she sounds awful. I think you should text/email and explain that you found her comments extremely offensive and ill-informed, perhaps she would think very differently had she not been so fortunate.

Sorry for your fertility issues

Oh for goodness sake. Nature doesn't fucking care - as long as 90% of the population carries on breeding then there will be plenty more humans. Nature can afford for it to be a highly inefficient process. It's a biological malfunction, nothing more.

I am the mum to two gorgeous adopted children and am reliably informed that we do all right with them. From their early history I wouldn't say their birth parents were either screamingly compatible or destined by Nature to be far better parents than us. The evidence is against it.

I hope you can move on with your life however you want to, but if you don't want to share your experiences with this friend and re educate her a little, I think you might be better off without her!

Sorry to read this OP, the pain of infertility is something those who haven't experienced it can never understand.

I have severe endometriosis and adhesions. I could shag any number of super spermed compatible men and it wouldn't change the fact that there's something wrong with my anatomy. I don't think it's caused in any way by fate having decided that DH and I would make bad parents.

I do think you should tell her about your struggles though, so she might be more sensitive. Or, if you don't trust her with that information, just avoid her.

The bizarre thing is she works for a domestic violence support group. She's seen all manner of family breakdowns / abuse within families / rape etc and yet apparently still holds the belief that because they conceived naturally they are better parents than I would be. It is galling to know that she basically thinks nature has decided that I would be a worse parent than people who abuse their children.

I know what she says is rubbish - in my line of work I come across families that haven't always made great choices and also families where children have been quite badly abused. Yet when someone says something like she did it adds to those horrible thoughts that keep you awake at 3 o'clock in the morning.

Sorry and thoughts for those on this thread that are having similar struggles.

That's probably one of the most ignorant things I have ever heard. I would be ceasing to see her and telling her why.

Yet when someone says something like she did it adds to those horrible thoughts that keep you awake at 3 o'clock in the morning.

Oh please don't let her words get to you, they mean nothing and were spoken out of pure ignorance. Try not to give in to those awful thoughts, although I know it's easier said than done. I sometimes ask myself 'why me'? and I know the answer is 'just because'. Then I also tell myself that people who suffer terrible bereavement, or terminal illnesses or any of the other tragedies that life sometimes deals out must also ask themselves that same question, and there simply is no answer. When you find yourself dwelling on the 'why me', just change the subject in your head. You can't answer the unanswerable.

As someone about to start IVF, I would keep my distance. That might be after I'd told her what I thought of her!

It is galling to know that she basically thinks nature has decided that I would be a worse parent than people who abuse their children.

I don't think she's saying that at all. She's saying you may have to accept you can't have children - that's life sometimes....

IKnow, I think there are better ways to deliver such a message.

OP, I hope you're okay.