To stop seeing friend because of her attitude to infertility?

[SweetCharlotteRose]

We can't have children, failed fertility treatment, donor treatments etc etc. we've kept it very private and hardly anyone knows.

One of my friends (3 easily and instantly conceived children) was talking about someone else she knows who can't have children naturally and has just had a round of failed ivf. My friend said that if it doesn't happen naturally you should just accept that there's a reason you aren't meant to have children and that perhaps you can't get pregnant because as a couple you're incompatible. She said it should be easy and if it's not maybe its nature's way of saying you shouldn't be a parent.

Now obviously she does not know my fertility history but Aibu to find it very very difficult to see her? She came across really smug - like 'look at me with my easily conceived healthy children, I must be so compatible with my partner.'
It's made me feel really sad. It's what you think to yourself in particularly dark moments, so to know other people think it too is horrid. It makes me very glad we've hardly told anyone if that's how people judge you if you're infertile.

Very easy for her to say from her side of the fence. If she foes not gave the empathy to put herself in the shoes of somebody who desperately wants children but can't, I wouldn't be that bothered about keeping her as a friend.

She sounds a bit thick. As if fertility is linked to a perfect relationship, or people who are incompatible never manage to conceive.

Drop her. Life is too short to be wasting time with people who make you feel bad. She sounds like she has no empathy, and is very ignorant about infertility. Sadly there are many people like this, distancing yourself from these people is the best way to avoid extra pain and hurt from insensitive comments.

YANBU. She sounds awful. And to say she's bitching about her friend's situation when her friend confided in her shows that if you confided in her, she'd do the same to you behind your back. I would confront her about it without revealing your situation (since you said you don't want her to know). Somebody needs to give that cow a reality check. Then I would distance myself from her.

YANBU she sounds a cunt. so sorry for your fertility treatment didn't work OP.

Also her theory is flawed. I can think of several awful high profile people who conceived seemingly fairly easily and were awful parents, who should never have been parents. One of my best friends had several failed IVF attempts and has now adopted and is the best mum I know. It takes more than being able to conceive naturally to make someone a parent. your friend proves that. 3 kids and she's a ignorant narrowminded fanny.

Of course she's right! That's why no parents ever get divorced once nature's proved they're biologically compatible!

No, wait. She's being unbelievably thick and insensitive.

YANBU. Has she never asked you why you don't have children? Wouldn't you think she would stop herself expressing these horrible views to someone without children? Personally I wouldn't tell her my history. She clearly has her mind made up about infertility.

First of all and YANBU. Sorry to hear about what you're going through, OP.

Stupid 'friend'. Sometimes people really do say stupid shit they don't mean, they just sort of find themselves talking. But sometimes they're also ignorant judgmental arseholes. Not sure whether you should tell her anything about what you've been going through, she's told you her opinion and even if she says something nice, you'll never forget what she first said anyway. For the record, I would find it difficult to see her again anyway and I don't think I have fertility issues. What she said about not being a good parent or couple is so ignorant and horrible, I'd lose all respect for her.

As a side note, the 'wasn't meant to be' thing is something that some people tell themselves. A very very close relative of mine and her H can't have kids and this is what they say: it wasn't meant to be and they're just happy together. They've been married for over 30 years now.
The bit about not being a compatible couple/good parent is utter horseshit though.

Just glanced at you post and it made me cringe. You really don't need to be around an idiot like this when going through such an emotionally testing time. I doubt she'd give up the chance to be a mum so easily. Smug cow.

If you don't want to let go of the friendship then really give her a piece of your mind if she says anything like that again, as she's likely to, and you need to protect your feelings and wellbeing. Best wishes

No amount of 'compatibility' would solve the problem of my frickin ovaries which ran out of eggs in my late twenties, plunging me into premature menopause and which now resemble shrivelled raisins.

I'm so sorry OP and I'm sorry to hear about the pain of failed IVF. I know how it feels to want to hit someone about the head for such smuggery and ignorance. But, as my late Nana used to say, you'll see your day with your 'friend'.

I also agree with PP- perhaps actually telling her like it is would make her realise just how silly and ill-informed she is.

Only skimmed the thread but I wouldn't try to fix this 'friend's' fucked up attitude. I would drop her.

I think its disgusting that another friend confided in her about an extremely sensitive issue and she went behind her back and said that to you. I cant believe her attitude towards this and from what you said she has never suffered the pain of fertility problems so has no idea what its like.

I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who had this attitude. I'm sorry her words have added to your hurt.

People who conceive easily often don't understand the pain of infertility. The insensitive things they come out with can be mind-boggling. "It wasn't meant to be/it must be God's will/the universe must be telling you something" are all just horrible things to say to someone who is suffering that pain. This friend sounds particularly clueless and I would probably distance myself from her if I were in your shoes.

for you, OP.

I've always found that people who spout this sort of nonsense are more congratulating themselves than intentionally being rude about other people.

However, as with most things in life- When someone wants to tell you how brilliant they are at something it is often because actually they are desperately trying to hide the truth. Perhaps her perfect family life is far from.

Either way, grown adults should really know better. I'd be desperately tempted to tell her what you've been through and explain this is why you no longer wish to continue any form of relationship. But that would be really hard to do, I'm sure. YANBU.

My friend said that if it doesn't happen naturally you should just accept that there's a reason you aren't meant to have children and that perhaps you can't get pregnant because as a couple you're incompatible. She said it should be easy and if it's not maybe its nature's way of saying you shouldn't be a parent.

Easily one of the most vile things I've read on MN. I would have walked out and never had anything to do with her ever again.

So sorry OP . Don't give up on your dream, though.

Am I right in thinking that she doesn't know you've had fertility issues? Sometimes it's the outcome people are talking about as opposed to it being a judgement on the individuals iyswim.

I was unable to conceive a second child, and yes, I do actually think that it just wasn't meant to be, and I came to terms with that a long time ago. But that doesn't mean that I judge other people who can't have children - it's just a personal view iyswim.

And as your friend doesn't know that you've been unable to conceive she has no idea that her comments have affected you personally. I would talk to her and tell her how you feel rather than just cut her off. People often think this stuff in isolation, and ime people who think that infertility while sad is just something that some people do unfortunately have to come to terms with aren't that few and far between, it's just that not everyone vocalises that view.

She is a narrow minded, thoughtless, ill-informed and soulless idiot

This. I'd replace 'idiot' with something a good deal ruder but then I am a potty-gob!
Please don't think that this is how normal people feel or think - it is not. She's a smug self satisfied chimp and the Universe has a way of coming along and teaching these people otherwise sooner or later

I've really told someone off at work for saying a very similar thing.

Not on and not true.

Only you know if you want to carry on a friendship with her. It sounds like you don't.

Yanbu. I would drop the ignorant and rude idiot. She is no friend. Sorry op.

Ynbu. Very easy for little miss concieve if she so much looks at her dp to have that attitude. I despise I'm alright Jack type of people.

Not only is she rude but thick as shit too.Nasty wagon.

So sorry that you're in this situation. I 'd definitely ditch the "friend ".She sounds less than bright.

I would absolutely tell her to "do one"

Sheffieldstealer has hit the nail on the head.

I would be asking her to explain why, if easy conceptionproves a couple's compatibility, many couples with children get divorced, when only a small percentage of those will not have conceived naturally and easily.

I don't know why people act like this. It is like they think it is some kind of gold star that they found it easy to get pregnant. The level of complacency and smugness is mindblowing. I think they just like the idea that they are somehow 'born' parents, even though every single biological parent (good, bad, and indifferent) fell pregnant in roughly the same way.

I am in a similar situation to you, OP, but in my case it is my mother who is the problem. She goes on and on and on about how easy it was for her to get pregnant, in a totally smug way. It is often mentioned along with the fact that she came off the pill for 6 months before trying, as if it is part and parcel of her 'healthy conception strategy' (have a gold star!). She has only the vaguest idea that we have been struggling, but even then she simply told me that I would make a crap mother and it wasn't meant to be - so I haven't raised it any further. If she were just a friend, I simply wouldn't see her because it would be too painful.