To think that many women lose their identity when they have children.

[Straycatblue]

Obviously your life changes when you have children but why is it that for some women they put their whole life on hold?

For example, one close friend whom I have known since our schooldays will not accept plans to meet up with me unless she can bring her children along, childcare is not an issue, her husband could look after them both in the day or in the evening. I love her children but she is my friend and used to be an individual with her own interests and life. It isnt just with me, she pretty much never socializes apart from with her children. She freely admits that she doesnt do the things she used to love doing.

Yes, put your children first, no-one is arguing that and yes they are an investment of your time and for some people the pinnacle of their lifes desires, but surely its not healthy to actually have no independent life is it so that your complete identity is mum and not a person with their own passions, desires and interests.

Reallytired goodness, I never said they lost brain cells!! I'm smarter now in all sorts of ways than I was before I had kids. but I'm different too.
I also never said men don't change. of course they do. but the thread was about op's friend, who is a woman.

diddlediddledumpling thank u!

I think it's complete tosh that you loose your identity when you have children. Your priorities may change to varying degrees but essentially you are the same person. All of the interesting, witty, clever and fun people I know who have had children are still loads of fun albeit our nights out are rare and most meet ups involve DC. On the other hand those who are self absorbed and bore you to death about themselves, their jobs and hobbies tend to do the same after DC but add the achievements of their prodigious children to the mix.
Many friendships are meant to run their course and a new child, partner or job can be the catalyst to finally ending it. It may be time to move on and meet more like-minded friends.

I think a real friend, won't think I am "not an individual any more" because I am part of a family unit, would perhaps like them to meet and know my family, and can't or won't prioritize their wish to be rid of my family when meeting up.

As a judgment it's pretty patronizing and seems a bit immature.

If i am no longer a priority in her life then why should she be a priority in mine

I'm sorry OP, but as friends go, you sound quite demanding & if I was spending time away from my kids when younger, I would be doing so because I wanted a break from people demanding my attention & I would therefore much rather it wasn't spent with someone so seemingly immature & equally demanding of me as my young kids are.

Sounds to me me like you are both at fault in a way & the friendship has ran its course.

I've sadly had to let go of a few friends since becoming a mother, I think it made me realise that they where just too demanding of my attention & it wasn't something I wanted to put up with in my down time any more. I think its not that we lose ourselves to motherhood & therefore can't function on another level, sometimes motherhood just wakes us up to which friendships are good for us & which aren't.

I realised I was pre kids, mother hen to several of my friends, I couldn't be that anymore, I wanted my free time to be just that & some friends just didn't accept that change, so as free time arose, they just weren't such an interesting option for me anymore.

If I'm honest, from reading your posts, if you were my friend, you would be on that list.

It's a matter of perspective isn't it?

DS is 6 months and I don't feel I've lost my identity. From the time he was a month old I would endeavour to get away for an evening swim & leave DH to do the evening bottle. After the hell & discomfort of pregnancy, and being on duty with a newborn 23 hours a day it was wonderful to submerge myself in water and know that I had an hour totally to myself! I've recently gone back to work 3 days a week and have surprised myself by how much I've enjoyed being Lawyer Gennz not Mummy Gennz again. (For a start it's a job where I actually know what I'm doing, unlike motherhood where I'm winging it/faking it most of the time).

But I'm sure I have friends who think I've "changed" since having DS. I have one friend who is an ex work colleague who is always at me to have a boozy Friday lunch. It used to be something we would often do together but not so much, for pretty obvious reasons I think! Friday is my day off, DS is in nursery 3 days, I'm not going to call in my mum to babysit so I can get pissed at lunchtime! And go home to BF and bath DS. As if. So I'm sure she feels I've "lost my identity", as part of my identity DID used to be party animal, queen of the long lunch etc etc! But while I might miss that aspect of my life a bit at times, certainly not enough to prioritise it over spending time with DS.

Its certainly raised some interesting points, some of which I had not thought of before which is why I posted in the first place, some of you are very unpleasant however and resorting to personal attacks on me is a reflection of your own immaturity and I have obviously touched a nerve with this discussion.

I still stand by most of what I have said, I have taken on board some of the interesting points people have made and it has given me food for thought, as I said in my very first post I appreciate her life has changed and of course her children should come first.

I do not believe however that being a mother gives you a free pass to not make an effort with close friends for years on end as she has done and you should accept it in the hope that they might pick you up again once their children are grown and that like some of you have so nastily put the friendship has probably sadly run its course.

OP, you seem to be expecting quite a lot in terms of friendship- I don't mean to sound offensive but you just seem a bit needy...and so serious about your friend and what her responsibilities as a friend to you are.
I understand that you do want to spend some time alone with her, but if it's a deal breaker, yes I also think you need to let it go.

I have a single friend whom I still consider a good friend post children, who is very understanding of the time and effort required to meet up just with her. I have a 3 and a 11 month old so tbh, when I arrange "time off" children I want to be on my own with my own thoughts. I sit and read a book in peace and quiet or play a video game just to recharge.

Coming back to my friend, we did discuss it and she is sticking with me until I have more time for her when kids are a bit older.

"having children results in serious hormonal changes that can leave your brain quite altered from what it was before."

I hate to be one of those people, but then again that is such a big and alarming claim that I would like you to expand on it a bit more. What hormones are you talking about and how do they alter the structure of the brain?

I know that the brain has a high degree of plasticity so that new neural connections and pathways can be made throughout life; it makes sense that becoming a mother would trigger this process as much as any other huge life-changing event. But you seem to be talking about something different.

I agree with you op the friends I had before my dc have stayed the same.

People talking about money and time, it's all just a red herring. I have been there with 2 under 2 and you just alter what you do with friends so when dh's shifts were crazy I would invite friends round for dinner and a catch up in the evening. I would also go to their house in the evenings too. Meeting friends doesn't have to be a big expense. Even now with 3 dc's and one who is 10 months meeting up usually invokes a takeaway at someone's house or perhaps a bottle of wine.

And yes sometimes I'd prefer an early night but I look at friendship as an investment. You get out what you put in. Some people are quite happy without friends and that is ok but to drop friends when children come along is not fair.

this article has some info about cortisol in the post-natal period. Progesterone and oestrogen also drop significantly post-natally, and while the mechanism hadsn't been clarified, this is thought to be implicated in post-natal depression. It seems logical to assume that, while it can have this extreme effect on some women, there would be a range of milder effects on other women. I didn't say the effects were permanent.
Hormones are also involved in development of the teenage brain following puberty.

Sorry, just to clarify: I wasn't suggesting that the op's friend's change in behaviour is related to pnd. I was just giving an example of how hormones can affect the brain. I think what she is experiencing would more likely be related to the hormones which influence bonding behaviour (oxytocin, iirc).

I don't see what's nasty about suggesting the friendship has run it's course. If it's reached the point where one of you is asking on an internet forum whether the other is being unreasonable and in response to a mixed set of answers then stating that their view hasn't changed, while the other person's view hasn't changed either, then where else can it go? Neither of you, it appears, values the friendship enough to accede to the others wishes.

Op, why have you come to the conclusion that those who disagree with you are some how in denial as in, 'your' observations have obviously 'hit a nerve'? That's really rather arrogant of you and implies a lot of us don't have the courage of our convictions. I happily prioritised my dc, still do and my youngest is 4, I love spending time with them. My confidence in my ability to make decisions on how I spend my time was not removed on giving birth to my last child.

The way I see it - I would've not been the mother I wanted to be to very young infants if I'd regularly scheduled in seeing my friends. Now my youngest is 4 I do go out with friends more regularly but they all have children so that helps with the arrangements.

Goldenbear
Op, why have you come to the conclusion that those who disagree with you are some how in denial as in, 'your' observations have obviously 'hit a nerve'?

Golden bear I am assuming I have hit nerves due to the names i have been called. I have been called goady,sneery, superior, demanding, immature arrogant and no loss as a friend because I have dared to question what happens to some woman when they have children and I am sad at the loss of my close friendship and the difference/loss in identity of my friend.

I have no problem with people disagreeing with me, like I said earlier thats the whole reason i posted to get people's opinions but some seem unable to give an opinion without resorting to name calling. If i haven't hit a nerve I would assume that people wouldnt resort to petty name calling unless they are just generally prone to this behaviour in real life so I could be wrong.

I know what you mean. I felt like I completely lost all sense of who I was after having children. The only thing which pulled me back was having to return to work. I still don't feel I'm !00% back to myself even now and do have a tendency to always put the children's needs before my own. However, I'm now making a conscious effort to put myself first a bit more, going to the gym and meeting friends.