To think that many women lose their identity when they have children.

[Straycatblue]

Obviously your life changes when you have children but why is it that for some women they put their whole life on hold?

For example, one close friend whom I have known since our schooldays will not accept plans to meet up with me unless she can bring her children along, childcare is not an issue, her husband could look after them both in the day or in the evening. I love her children but she is my friend and used to be an individual with her own interests and life. It isnt just with me, she pretty much never socializes apart from with her children. She freely admits that she doesnt do the things she used to love doing.

Yes, put your children first, no-one is arguing that and yes they are an investment of your time and for some people the pinnacle of their lifes desires, but surely its not healthy to actually have no independent life is it so that your complete identity is mum and not a person with their own passions, desires and interests.

hotsauce it's just not the same when DC are present ( and I say that as someone who spends an inordinate amount of time with my DC).

I haven't had a conversation with my SIL in 5 years that hasn't been about her kids. No matter what you say she will get the conversation around to them in less than 60 seconds. I used to enjoy her company so I feel sad that she is a crippling bore but she seems happy enough.

You are bu as you reason from what this one friend does, to saying that many women are like this.
What does a night out with you entail OP, maybe it's that that puts her off - eg is it a big night out?

It's pretty rude to make assumptions about your friend's parenting choices or sense of identity based on her willingness to meet up with you without her DC!

Perhaps she's actually got loads of social stuff with other people, hobbies or study or fitness kick going on. Perhaps her DP is an arse about sharing parenting and domestics, perhaps she has problems in her life or is depressed, perhaps she and / or her DP are working a lot and want time with her DC. Perhaps her DC don't sleep and she's knackered.

Liz1982 you say each to their own yet your other comments don't quite match that sentiment.
Providing children are fed, clothed, loved and have a roof over their heads what's wrong with a parent buying themselves a new top or lunch with friends instead of buying the kids a lego set?
As long as a baby is well cared for while the Mother is away why shouldn't she have some time to herself?

Been thinking about the "freely admits to not wanting to do the things she used to live doing" bit. I used to have a hobby that involved the whole of a weekend afternoon every other weekend, which I had done for over 10 years withthe same friends. I do it about once a year now, still love it but it's just not a priority cost or timewise since having DCs. People change.

Some women do find huuuuge satisfaction in being a mother and actually don't like going out, spending their family budget and time on alcohol.

Is that not acceptable ??

I haven't lost my identity, I've tweaked it according to life's twists n turns. I absolutely prioritise time with my children over anything else. Not because I am downtrodden, a bore, a sad case or because I've nothing else or any of those things but because being with them gives me the most pleasure. I don't smother them (apart from with kisses ) n I allow them freedom appropriate to their ages. Our relationship is very close but healthy.

I also don't neglect my dh, family n friends but they come a much loved, close but no cigar, second.
They seem to get that as I do with their priorities, be it children or whatever else on their lives n anyone who didn't I wouldn't be bothered about anyway - I'm far too happy with my lot to pay any heed to the sneerers in life .

I spent 7 years like that. I had kids who didn't sleep much and who needed me around and who took up most of my time. They were also tremendous fun, and through them I met some wonderful new friends who I was able to spend time with in ways that didn't leave me exhausted. I kept in touch with the child-free friends who understood this, and am still very good friends with them now that I am able to other stuff. But I don't feel that I lost my identity during those 7 years of parenting young children - I was just having a very intense and all-encompassing phase of my life. I enjoyed it while it lasted, and was happy to move on when the children were older and happy to do without me.

Sometimes people have aspects of their life that become all-consuming for a while - work, study, a relationship, a hobby...they don't nirmally stay like that for ever, and I like it when people are passionate about the stuff they care about.

And actually, I've always been someone who flings herself into things she loves with a certain amount of obsessive gusto. I got a first at university because even when I was out doing other things, I was still thinking about the things I was studying. I was good at my job because there were aspects of it that I really loved, and I would plan them in my free time. I would happily turn down invitations to interesting events in order to spend time with DP. And when I had children, I found that fascinating and fun in the same way. I didn't lose myself in motherhood - I carried on being myself by letting it consume me for a while.

OP, your friend presumably remains an individual with her own desires, interests etc, it's just that those interests now put you further down the food chain than her children. You say yourself that her husband could look after them, but your friend chooses not to socialise with you unless her children come too. I get that this isn't your idea of a good time, but why not see that choice as an active statement of her priorities now, rather than evidence that's she become a martyred Mummy Borg? Maybe she finds you less interesting these days, too.

I agree with what whiteshirt said completely. People change all the time and friends drift apart for all kinds of reasons. There's no need to assume it is a 'loss of identity'. Maybe your friend just has higher priorities now.

But some mothers (and a few fathers) are still like this when their children are older and clearly don't need to be with them most of the time. I am now a mother to teenagers and whilst I understand mothers of babies/young children never wanting to do anything without their children (not that I was ever like that ) - I do find it rather 'martyrish' when mothers of older children still won't leave them or think of doing anything for themselves.

I have sat with a friend who was in tears as her children (very successful, university educated, now in professional careers) don't need her so much anymore - she openly said that her role in life has been as a 'mother' and she doesn't know what to do now. (Despite having a huge range of interesting hobbies/voluntary comittments/loving DH etc etc etc). I find that very sad.

I think you're identity changes through whichever lifestage you are at - I don't think it is necessarily a bad thing to 'lose your identity' if it's through change of priorities or circumstances and not through confidence/being lost.

Maybe she's not lost her identity but found a new one she prefers and that's spending time with her kids and family not doing things she used to do - does she actually miss what she used to do or as she just moved on and enjoying who she is now? there's a dIfference.

I was in a different boat, I did lose my identity through lack of confidence and purpose (loved my career) scared I was being a rubbish mum/person and felt like I had nothing to add to a conversation so avoided going out with any old friends. Just be careful you're not confusing the two

Aw that's awful combin. for you.

A bit harsh op...

I've had 4 dcs in 5 years, the first when I turned 35. The youngest is now three and I go out a lot more now with friends (say twice a month drinking and a coffee with a friend most weekdays). Before that though, I just wasn't interested. I'd partied, travelled, eaten out and was just sick of it. It's been nice to have a different pace of life (even the sleep deprivation!). During this time, I've also unknowingly had a child who is probably going to be diagnosed with autism - things have also been pretty rough. I still don't go out at night with dh, not much baby sitting options.

Each to their own. I was a little fed up with going out to tea, drinking etc lifestyle, so was glad to change pace of life with kids. I go out now, but have no interest in doing it all that often. I still really like travel, but the dcs come along.

If that comment was to me liz1982 I live an hour from Miami. Not so much halfway around the world.
And more importantly gave my husband more time one on one with DS whilst I was gone.

I think as most of you have said that I just need to let her go as she is no longer the same person and it takes two to make a friendship, one person cannot be the one to compromise every time.

Its sad and i absolutely don't have a problem with her putting her family first, thats as it should be however i mourn for the person she once was, an individual where she had her own dreams and passions and her sense of self wasn't wrapped up completely in her children.

I am not talking about going out drinking every weekend as someone has suggested, merely meeting up with one of my close long term friends for coffee or something similar every now and again without her children.

Her husband and her parents are available days and evenings so childcare is not an issue she has told me this herself. Her husband still engages in the passions and interests he had before the children and is a good father.

I don't have a problem with her children like some of you have said but in order to have a friendship you have to have some time alone together at some point without children interrupting and distracting every few minutes much in the same way couples plan to have time together without children to build on their relationship.

For those who have asked, her children are 4 and 3 and yes I am a mother.

At 4 and 3 you would think she would be loving a coffee without having to share her cake.... or out for a supper with no dc at the table.

Id probably suggest one last time a get together and to be honest I probably wouldn't bother again. If I'm out for a childfree coffee or evening I wouldn't want to spend it with friends dc however much I liked them.

Some of you guys are mean!!!

Yes, I've lost my identity. I hate that! I'd adore to spend some time away from my chikdren, even it it was just to go to the supermarket. With sickness, teething, potty training and weaning all going on, plus being woken up every hour or two through the night, no bloody wonder I've lost my sanity identity.

And yes to Combine... Totally, I have nothing to talk about besides said potty training/weaning/lack of sleep. Oh, except gardening - the one hobby that is child compatible. But that's still pretty bloody boring.

Did most people say you need to let her go, straycat? I thought most people were saying you need to understand that she has different priorities now?
You sound very judgemental of her choosing to life her life the way she wants rather than the way you think she should.

If someone can't squeeze in an odd hour for a coffee with a friend then that friendship is no longer important to them.

Of course the other person should move on in those circumstances.

Her husband and her parents are available days and evenings so childcare is not an issue she has told me this herself

She is lucky then. I didn't have this and it has massively affected my ability to maintain a separate identity especially with young DC.

Just as the DC were starting to get older - DH started working away a lot - so children's stuff seems to be all my area.

In fact my family are the first to make comments and snide remarks on rare occasions I did try an do stuff for me - DH doesn't though he can make a huge drama about me heading out on occasions and has eldest child - all adds up to the whole is it worth trying to arrange stuff like that.

I think it is especially long term but sometimes it can feel like to much to sort.

If her DC are at 3 and 4 is she looking ahead at nursery and school and think this is last bit of time with them - so give it 6 months and she might be more amenable or find it easier to arrange?

Lordylor

Did most people say you need to let her go, straycat? I thought most people were saying you need to understand that she has different priorities now?
You sound very judgemental of her choosing to life her life the way she wants rather than the way you think she should.

If her priorities are different then why should mine not be? If i am no longer a priority in her life then why should she be a priority in mine? Friendship should be a two way street, not one sided. Just because someone has children doesnt mean they get to neglect friendships without consequence.

I am merely sad that my friend is no longer the person she once was, I freely accept I do not understand her choice to be nothing but mum (before everyone jumps on the bandwagon, of course being a mum is worthy) but she used to be an individual in her own right with her own passions not dependent on her children, I am sad for the loss of that person.
Yes she is a new person now but I do not think it is a good choice to make to have your children consume your life and lose your identity.

It is my belief that you are more than what your children make you and if you focus all your energy on them then what are you and who are you when they leave or god forbid something happens to them.
I also believe it is not a good example to show her children that her life is all about them with no outside interests or independence.

It happens to many women when they have children and all circumstances are different, some women do it by choice, some women have no partners or help.

I suspect those getting most annoyed by my post are those who have lost who they once were in their children and feel uncomfortable with this realisation.