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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that many women lose their identity when they have children.

116 replies

Straycatblue · 30/05/2015 14:13

Obviously your life changes when you have children but why is it that for some women they put their whole life on hold?

For example, one close friend whom I have known since our schooldays will not accept plans to meet up with me unless she can bring her children along, childcare is not an issue, her husband could look after them both in the day or in the evening. I love her children but she is my friend and used to be an individual with her own interests and life. It isnt just with me, she pretty much never socializes apart from with her children. She freely admits that she doesnt do the things she used to love doing.

Yes, put your children first, no-one is arguing that and yes they are an investment of your time and for some people the pinnacle of their lifes desires, but surely its not healthy to actually have no independent life is it so that your complete identity is mum and not a person with their own passions, desires and interests.

OP posts:

dementedma · 30/05/2015 16:47

I much prefer being a mum now that my dcs are grown up. Well, two of them are - big gap to DC 3 at 13. I can do stuff without dragging kids around with me, have coffee or drinks with friends etc while the dcs do their own thing. I freely admit my lack of maternal instinct - I'm afraid I dont even miss them when they aren't around and are away at uni etc. I like the freedom and I like having my life back.

Liz1982 · 30/05/2015 16:51

That's pretty harsh IMO, why have children at all if all you are going to do is wish their lives away to a point were they are old enough to be left alone just so you can have more time to yourself.

Goldenbear · 30/05/2015 17:14

'Zombie mums'- never heard that expression before? My DH's cousin has 4 children and she adores being a Mother, she's just naturally maternal, the youngest is always attached to her in a baby carrier. Her DH is in a band and she will go on tour with him and bring all of the children if it is in the school holidays. she had a really interesting life prior to children- acting work, voice overs etc. but being a Mother 'is' her identity now and it's defintely not a 'bad' or 'sad' thing- everyone tells them to keep having more babies!

howabout · 30/05/2015 17:30

YABU.

I could equally say of some of my fellow mothers - why is it when they reclaim their working lives they suddenly have no time left for non work socialising?
My DH also has a group of male schoolfriends who insisted I not send my DC away when they came to visit as they wanted to see them as well as us. We all have DC of similar ages and they had difficulty keeping out of mobile contact with their DC for more than a couple of hours.
I think your issue is about your friend prioritising her DC over you and you being unwilling to accommodate this.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 30/05/2015 17:38

Zombie mothers? ODFO.
I have kids and a job and I'm very fucking busy. I try to make time for my friends but it is much less than it used to be. If I do have a night of childcare, sometimes it is more important to touch base with DH or just get a good night's sleep.
My life changed when I had children. I'd yours didn't, there is something very fucking wrong.

drudgetrudy · 30/05/2015 17:42

It depends whether you think people's identity is inextricably tied up with their jobs and other things that they do.
People do not loose their essential selves and may choose to devote themselves to their kids for a while and enjoy it.
I missed most of the early 80s completely (Who is Boy George? What's Culture club?) and I don't regret it at all.
It wasn't difficult to resume my interests later.
Also some friends were in the same boat and we accepted that we were less available for a while-the friendships survived.
I wonder if you are feeling a bit fed up that your friend isn't available to you at present in the way that she was.
Perhaps you have grown apart.

GoofyIsACow · 30/05/2015 17:50

I have three children, i don't socialise huge amounts at all without them, that is because DH works extremely unsociable hours and I have no childcare.

I would love to socialise more but I can't anymore than I do.

That doesn't make me sad.

Lordylor · 30/05/2015 18:05

yAbu, very U. She hasn't lost her identity she has a new identity as a mother which she clearly values. I work, my time with my children is precious. If I spend time at the weekend seeing a friend without my kids I have lost some of the precious little time I get to spend with them. I have tried this and I don't like it. So I would rather combine seeing friends with seeing my kids. They are only little for a very short time.

Notso · 30/05/2015 18:26

I wouldn't say being wrapped up in children is exclusive to women.
DH and I have couple friends who have become all consumed by their offspring. DH has male friends who he used to meet in the pub but now has to meet in a play barn, and my Dad was recently having a moan to me about a couple him and Mum are friends with who now do little but talk about their Granddaughter.

TheWordFactory · 30/05/2015 18:32

I think I the early years many parents are very tired. If DC are bad sleepers it knocks you off your game.

Then there are the logistics. It has to be really worth it to arrange it all.

That said, yes, there are some women who withdraw from adult life on parenthood and exist only for their family. I don't know why they do it to be honest but leave me to it I say.

toomuchtooold · 30/05/2015 18:43

Well... I haven't lost my identity but I don't really have time to have an identity as such! If your kids are small and you don't have on-tap childcare (grandparents etc) then you tend to be working the whole time they are awake, either looking after them or doing the paid work that pays for childcare. There's the option to swap solo parenting sessions with your other half at the weekend - personally I'd rather not, not that I don't want the time off, but looking after more than one small child alone is quite stressful to put it mildly and it's not worth it to get some time alone!

lljkk · 30/05/2015 18:49

I'm not convinced that focusing on one's children means that you end up lonely & isolated when they move out decades later. Maybe it's just a pleasurable phase for many (pleasurable to be more of a giver than a taker).

Strictlyison · 30/05/2015 18:50

I'm a sahm and if I have an opportunity to go out with a friend without my children I make a little squeal sound of happiness and a mini-punch in the air - because I am with my kids a lot during the week. If your friend works full time and she wants to spend her weekends and evenings with her children, and do stuff that include them, it's understandable.

I am not sure she is losing her identity because of that tbh.

Strokethefurrywall · 30/05/2015 18:51

I remember going away for a hen weekend in Miami when ds1 was 5 months and all of a sudden feeling like "me" again. It was a lovely feeling rediscovering that u was actually the same person I was before. Even more enlightening was the fact that I could be away from him and felt it was important for me to have time away from my everyday life.
I'm still the same person I was before I had my babies. Now I'm just a tireder version
Some people are happy to have their identity evolve totally when they become parents - different strokes and all that.
But from my own point of view, I work full time, I have a job I really enjoy, a great social life and it's inportant that I still have my life separate from my family, separate from being "mummy".

TheWordFactory · 30/05/2015 18:53

strictly fair point.

I have always spent ridiculous amounts of time with my DC. Consequently I love time with DH, mates, my mum, myself ! !

IamJeff · 30/05/2015 18:56

Agree with drudge if you're identity is based on work of course if you give up work you will have a massive identity crisis. If your identity is tied up In extended family then maybe your identity will be reaffirmed or challenged as you become a Mother rather than a daughter.

Every Mother has an identity crisis!

It just manifests in different ways. If someone changes their identity "MUM" and likes it, therefore choosing to keep that identity, that's fine!

KittyLovesPaintingOhYes · 30/05/2015 18:59

I was told ' you don't have to just be a mum' when I was avoiding committing to a social event . I just didn't like the company plans but the friend wouldn't accept that.
That sad, I am typing left handed as right arm is wrapped around dd

KittyLovesPaintingOhYes · 30/05/2015 19:01

said, not sad!

Though this is my Saturday night jollies now so maybe right first time

drudgetrudy · 30/05/2015 19:01

Having very young children is just one phase of life.
Our focus changes from decade to decade but it doesn't mean our essential identity is compromised.
We are all free to some degree to set our own priorities (without our 'friends' judging that).

TheWordFactory · 30/05/2015 19:02

I think it's probably more healthy to have a multifaceted identity though?

All work or all motherhood or all social animal is probably not a recipe for great mental health or fullfillment.

But there will always be those who wear one identity like a skin ( as a writer I know many writers who do this. They may well produce incredible work but it ain't a pretty way to live).

Liz1982 · 30/05/2015 19:03

Couldn't imagine leaving my small baby and travelling half way around the world just to get some me time, but i suppose it's all about priorities, each to their own .

tumbletumble · 30/05/2015 19:05

It's just a personal decision, isn't it? There aren't enough hours in the day so you have to prioritise how to spend your time.

Cliffdiver · 30/05/2015 19:15

I have 2 DDs, DD1 is 3.6 and DD2 is 14mo.

I am the first to admit I completely lost myself as a woman during the last 3 years. It was something I just accepted. I rarely did anything for me, and would feel guilty if I did.

Going back to work 2 weeks ago has been a massive turning point, it feels amazing to get up in the morning, do my hair and make up and wear nice clothes. And actually have adult conversation .

Try to encourage your friend and don't give up on her.

ilovehotsauce · 30/05/2015 19:27

As one of these women in your post, I have not lost myself to my child or motherhood. I am a very much my own person, I like to spend time with my dd I would rather she was with me. I did not have her to palm off on other so I can go out! I'm one of the first of my friends to have DC and it has change the way I socialise with my friends but what do you have against her bringing her dcs? Is it the she's not just your friend anymore and has more in her life? Are you a mother?

PrincessOfChina · 30/05/2015 19:33

My most extrovert, mischievous, drunken friend has done this and I worry for her. She went through a phase of not even letting her DH take the kids out.

She's coming out with us for only the 3rd time in 5 years soon (and she was pregnant for one of those). We're all hoping she allows herself a night off trying to be the perfect parent and remembers why we all love her too.

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