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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is wrong?

24 replies

stargazer2030 · 30/05/2015 11:34

Can you please offer opinions on this incident that happened between cousin's. My dd & my niece both 5 & my nephew aged 7 (other sisters child) were all on a sleep over at my mums. The next day my sister rang to say her daughter had told her that nephew had kissed their privates. It was part of a game where he also tried to get them to swallow some small toys but they refused.
It did happen - no one disputes this. I was really upset and it ended up in a massive row with my sister (nephews mum) who said amongst other things it was normal curiosity, the girls must have led him on and that I was massively over reacting and that I have a problem with her kids and that if it was anyone else I wouldn't have been bothered. This is totally untrue. I was devastated and angry at the same time especially over her lack of concern. My other sister didn't seem particularly bothered by it and also thinks I over reacted.
This happened a while ago and its not mentioned now but something cropped up about it last night. I don't think I over reacted at all. The kids still see each other but dd isn't allowed on sleep overs with him and to be honest I don't like them being on their own but try not n to let that show - i just keep an eye on them. Aibu - is this normal behavior?

OP posts:

FarFromAnyRoad · 30/05/2015 11:37

YABU. It's totally normal and you should really work on getting over it for your sanity and to prevent your kids getting a build up of guilt and/or disgust about something pretty much all kids do

KittyVonCatsworth · 30/05/2015 11:37

Ynbu. Although I don't think it screams of dodginess on your nephews behalf, I think the way it was dismissed and blamed on the girls was terrible. The decent thing would have been to sit them down and explained why it was wrong without apportioning blame.

Koalafications · 30/05/2015 11:38

the girls led him on

FFS! That comment alone would have pissed me off.

I would be a bit concerned as to why the DS did this, it can be a sign of abuse - him re enacting what has happened to him.

Did anyone ask the boy why he did it?

nightshade · 30/05/2015 11:38

No u r not being unreasonable to be upset...yes it can be normal behaviour however doesn't mean it should continue or not be closely monitored....good time to discuss boundaries good touch bad touch secrets etc with your children...

fiveacres · 30/05/2015 11:38

It is not normal at 7. My son is 8 and certainly knows not to kiss anyone's private parts. At 3, maybe.

YANBU.

Lavenderice · 30/05/2015 11:40

This has been handled really badly by all the adults involved.

SnotQueen · 30/05/2015 11:42

YANBU. Their blame apportioning attitide is U.

I would have reacted exactly the same as you and would be keeping an eye on things.

fattymcfatfat · 30/05/2015 11:43

my 6 yo wouldn't do that. it's definitely not normal at 7. if younger children maybe but not that age. at 7 they know about boundaries etc. it's taught in sschool fgs so no yanbu

MrsCaptainReynolds · 30/05/2015 11:44

I guess it depends if it was a random stupid thing to do (which it kind of sounds like, what with the swallowing toys thing) or whether it forms part of a pattern of other sexualised behaviours. And on the degree of maturity of the 7 year old.

A random stupid act from an immature 7 year old, I'd be inclined to let it go.

If he is your nephew, perhaps you are the best judge of the situation rather than strangers on the internet.

If you have had a knee jerk reaction to some random nonsense I can probably understand your sisters' reactions. It's quite frightening (as a parent of boys) to have people all to ready to label them sex pests for acts of childhood curiosity or just random acts of stupidness given adult interpretations. However, the comment about the girls "leading him on" is outrageous, although again possibly a misguided adult interpretation rather than the fault of the children?

DaisyStarLight · 30/05/2015 11:51

Nope that's not normal and I would have reacted the same. IMO the boy sexually assaulted your dd and everyone let her down by failing to keep her safe, blamed her and no punishment to the offender disrespected her right for justice.That's the message you all give this little girl. Her body is not private, telling makes you the bad guy and noons cares anyway. That's why rape is not reported as adults.

Its no OK.

WhetherOrNot · 30/05/2015 12:10

IMO the boy sexually assaulted your dd

At 7? Really? Don't put adult traumas onto children!!

TidyDancer · 30/05/2015 12:14

I don't think it's normal. Your sister sounds likes she's minimising the incident, which is understandable but not especially helpful.

It might just be a case of your nephew needing it pointed out to him that this is not acceptable behaviour.

GatoradeMeBitch · 30/05/2015 12:38

It happens. Small children are curious about each others bodies, and to them kissing each others privates doesn't have the same connotations as it does for adults. They need to be spoken to, but it's not the end of the world.

The most disturbing part of your OP was your sister saying that two five year old girls 'must have led him on'. For me that mindset would need to be explored thoroughly before I let my dc anywhere near that side of the family again.

morelikeguidelines · 30/05/2015 13:29

Yanbu.

Yes there is nothing necessary "wrong " with the nephew feeling curious (though acting young for his age) but adult I.e. His parents need to address it and let him know that it is his job to control self and respect oothers' boundaries and personal space /bodies.

It is worrying that they said girls must have led him on. That is the bit that concerns me.

morelikeguidelines · 30/05/2015 13:30

Ps I mean the not already knowing he can't touch others is young for age, rather than the wanting to do it.

SorchaN · 30/05/2015 14:10

The comment about the girls 'leading him on' is really awful.

As for whether it's normal, I'm not an expert, but I do remember some naked games at about that age with a group of other kids all within two years of my age. There was definitely one boy who was keener on the naked thing than the rest of us, but the whole group was willing to play the game, and I certainly wasn't in any way scarred by it - and as far as I know, no one else was either. In any case, one of the parents found out and suggested fairly gently that it wasn't a good idea.

You're obviously really concerned about it, and I don't think it's right for your sisters to dismiss your concerns - especially by blaming the girls. Parents do have different attitudes to this kind of thing, and it's best if it can be negotiated calmly.

littlejohnnydory · 30/05/2015 15:55

YANBU at all, I'm horrified by posters suggesting this is normal. I would not be happy for the children to be unsupervised.

GatoradeMeBitch · 30/05/2015 16:00

But it is normal! Small children often haven't yet learnt personal boundaries, and if they're left alone for a while stripping off and playing 'doctor' can seem as viable an option as playing lego or drawing pictures. They need to be spoken to - gently - so they understand that their private areas are just that, but nothing about this situation has to be horrifying really.

neepsandtatties · 30/05/2015 17:14

It's possible the sister didn't mean 'led him on' in a sexual way, she probably meant 'egged him on' in a six-of-one, half-a-dozen-of-the-other kind of way that we've all seen when children get together and do things they are not supposed to do.

ohtheholidays · 30/05/2015 17:57

YANBU and it's not normal,please take that from someone that has worked with children for years and years and worked with SS and different schools.

The trying to get the little girls to swallow toys is also very very worrying.

Honestly I'd be inclined to have a chat with someone.I know personally of one case where a child of the same age made another child of the same age let them touch and kiss they're privates and the school had to get the Police involved and SS as there were signs that the 7 year old was trying to groom other children.It is extremely rare but sadly it does happen and it's usually always the result of the first child having either been abused themselves or having witnessed another child/children being abused.

pinkyredrose · 30/05/2015 18:09

How exactly did she think that the girls must have led him on ?

Griphook · 30/05/2015 18:21

Yabu, and I think you have over reacted although not inreasonable to ask questions.

I would want to know what else they were playing what other games were played and who made what suggestions before i reacted the way you did. I would want to know if there was lots of laughing and giggles and whether they were all involved and encouraged each other.

If I was your sister you wouldn't go near my son again

Original poster

stargazer2030 · 01/06/2015 06:06

Sorry i haven't replied - I am new to this and want sure it had posted as had an error message.
It happened a while ago and am pretty sure it was just a 1 off. I did talk to my dd about it and sure she doesn't know how upset I was. It caused a massive family argument and has never been talked about since or so I thought. However a few things have been mentioned lately that make me realise my reaction to this has been discussed and criticised (behind my back). To be honest I have been really slagged off for it and things I said at the time have been really twisted. I feel like I was in the wrong for being so upset about it which I find very hurtful . I get shouted down and accused of dragging the past up if I try to talk about it. My dh totally agrees with me but obviously he is biased.
I wanted to know what other people, neutral to the situation thought as I don't know if I did completely over react now. I don't feel I did but obviously both my sisters do. I think some of his behaviour came from watching completely age innapropriate films more than anything and said this at the time.

OP posts:

DaisyStarLight · 01/06/2015 09:09

Your reaction was normal but your family are dysfunctional and toxic by the sound of it. If it was no big deal they would be willing to talk openly with you about it even if they disagreed with your opinion.

If you are worried about what happened call NSPPC they are trained in what is normal and what is not at that age and can also give advice on talking to your dd about her body, good/bad touch and how to keep her safe.

With regards to your family let them talk, leave them to it as you can't stop them. You need to set boundaries and enforce them eg dd is not left alone with dn when in your mums care or your mum does not look after her. Get distance both emotionally and physically from themthem by having low contact with them and keep conversation superficial. Restrict the information you give them about your family.

Have a read of the stately home thread in relationships and also report this thread and ask to remove it to chat so that it gets deleted in 90 days just in case it can out you.

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