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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

#bpressure - seriously?!!

114 replies

cantbelieveimonhere · 29/05/2015 15:08

Don't understand where this campaign is coming from. My experience is total opposite. Am a breastfeeding mum and regularly feel looked down on/judged for it, and
stared at when feeding (discreetly)
don't think breast feeding is socially
accepted in the UK; it is bottle
feeding mums who are considered
normal (and bottle feeding in general
considered less embaressing etc)

OP posts:
TheOriginalWinkly · 29/05/2015 19:37

But that's not a breastfeeding/formula feeding issue, that's a 'show off boring twat' issue, which raises it's ugly head in many many situations (size of house, size of arse, school reports, wedding venue, etc etc etc)

Bearfrills · 29/05/2015 19:38

Yes, ShadowFire, I get comments that I "should" stop now. I rarely feed DS2 (15mo) in public now because if we're out and about he doesn't usually want a feed but he still has a feed at breakfast time and a feed at bedtime, then a couple of little mini feeds smattering across the day, some days more and some days less. I get lots of comments from family about him not needing it now and that he's too old now however my FF babies were both still having a bottle at breakfast time and a bottle at bedtime at this age and no one batted an eyelid.

Andcake · 29/05/2015 19:40

I had to feed ds expressed milk in a bottle I had hugely sneering comments as people thought it was formula. I was devastated - I think formula feeding is awful and no one who does it from birth without trying bf has any sympathy from me.
But bf was a nightmare for me and I expressed as I could not bare to give my child junk.
I think the uk in certain areas is v pro bf but in others ( research apparently says younger mums and less educated) ff is the norm. I think it's a social divide

Lorgy · 29/05/2015 19:45

Formula milk isn't junk. We are so fortunate to have a safe alternative available if breastfeeding doesn't work out. I had to formula feed my second due to health issues meaning I just couldn't produce much milk. Absolutely no difference between the breastmilk and the formula fed child.

FarFromAnyRoad · 29/05/2015 19:45

Again? This again? Really?

There's really nothing like a BF v FF thread to get women sniping at one another is there? I find it so ludicrous and not a little tiresome. Am I alone in thinking these effing threads are only posted with the intention of goading? Of course the OP always says 'oh noooooooo no no no - not me - I'm all innocent - I'm just saying.........'. Well I call bullshit.

So for the record and for future reference - there is NO right or wrong way. The only way is the way that works for YOU and your baby. That's it. Feeding your baby can never be wrong. Why not goad at people who don't feed their babies? Of course, they'll be in far fewer numbers but you might find some somewhere, no?

Bearfrills · 29/05/2015 19:45

I think formula feeding is awful and no one who does it from birth without trying bf has any sympathy from me.

So you were 'devasted' about the sneering comments made to/about you because people thought you were feeding your baby formula, yet you will happily direct sneering comments like the one above to other formula feeder?

Aren't you a delight!

You thoroughly deserve the roasting coming your way....

Grumpyoldbiddy · 29/05/2015 19:49

I'd go further than that and say it's worse than being a boring twat. It's people being totally oblivious to the loss experienced by others, the potential trauma which may be ongoing and being so determined to talk about their own acheivements that they either don't see or don't care about the impact it has on others.

Bearfrills · 29/05/2015 19:49

Farfromanyroad I need an applause smiley, I totally agree.

So long as a baby is fed an appropriate milk product, be it FF or BF, and it's needs - physical, emotional, etc - are met who actually gives a fuck!?

If there was one definitive 'perfect' way of parenting, everyone would be doing it and there wouldn't be the vast array of parenting choices we have within our society.

Xenadog · 29/05/2015 19:53

I FF my DD and intended to right from the outset. I made it clear to my MW in my first appointment that that was my intention. I also had no intention of having a natural childbirth, I wanted all the drugs going and was exceptionally happy to find out early on that DD was breech so a ELCS was needed. I did nothing to encourage her to turn.

My choices and experience have no bearing on anyone else's. I don't judge anyone else and just find the whole BF V FF debate rather tedious. I live in a " very naice" area too and expected to have MWs and HVs putting pressure on me but no one did.

If anyone does want to judge me I can only laugh in their face as DD is incredibly healthy, bright, a good sleeper yadda yadda yadda. I just wonder why the media whips this non-issue up. Babies are born, get fed, grow up and are weaned. Really, what is the big deal?

ginghambunny · 29/05/2015 19:54

It makes quite a difference at population level how babies are fed, so it's okay to give a fuck about it.

Grumpyoldbiddy · 29/05/2015 19:56

Population level? What does that mean?

FarFromAnyRoad · 29/05/2015 19:57

And you're REALLY not helping gingham. Who died and put you in charge of all choices for all women?

Minifingers9 · 29/05/2015 19:58

There is pressure on all parents to do all sorts of things which protect and promote the health of their dc's.

For most people the most affecting pressure to do the best for their children comes from inside, not outside.

Grumpyoldbiddy · 29/05/2015 20:04

And you don't think that opinions like those Andcake expressed add to that pressure?

Minifingers9 · 29/05/2015 20:05

here

This is a great read OP - unpicks the issue in a really interesting way.

Original poster
cantbelieveimonhere · 29/05/2015 20:05

TheOriginalWinky
A breastfeeding selfie is no more inherently ff shaming than someone posting their marathon time is inherently fat shaming.

For me this is part of the issue. Those who ff taking offence at any discussion of bf; to the extreme at times that it has become like money, politics and religion "not to be discussed in company". This in turn robs bf mothers of support and peer discussion. And that is a problem.

OP posts:
Lorgy · 29/05/2015 20:11

In my experience though the only local support groups were for breastfeeding mothers. It's those that formula fed who were robbed of support and peer discussion. The hv won't even tell you how to make up a bottle!

ShadowFire · 29/05/2015 20:16

Andcake's comment was excessively judgy and no help to anyone at all. And highly ironic from someone who bottle fed their baby.
There's absolutely no way of telling the difference between a FF mum who chose to give their baby formula from birth, and a FF mum who's devastated that she couldn't get breastfeeding to work.
The vast majority of mothers will be trying to make feeding choices that they feel are best for their children, and what's right for one family won't be right for all families.

TheOriginalWinkly · 29/05/2015 20:16

But lorgy only 12% of British babies are ebf at 4 months. Most ff mothers are, by default, amongst ff peers. Breastfeeding support groups exist because it's often difficult to locate other breastfeeding mothers. As I said earlier, I tend to be the only one in groups I go to. (And for the sake of clarity, I don't care how or what other people feed their children.)

ShadowFire · 29/05/2015 20:19

Agree with your latest post cantbelieve, it does sometimes feel like I can't talk about bf DS2 unless I'm in the company of women I know to be breastfeeders too.

Minifingers9 · 29/05/2015 20:20

"In my experience though the only local support groups were for breastfeeding mothers."

Possibly because when allocating scarce resources the powers that are aware that 90% of breastfeeding mothers in the UK stop breastfeeding earlier than they'd intended, often through lack of support.

Luckily for formula feeders lack of support doesn't translate into them being forced to stop bottlefeeding and relactate instead.

Of course you are right that not everyone can work out how to make up a feed safely without being shown by a health professional. Some people will struggle with written instructions. Any HP who refuses to show someone with a baby how to make up a feed properly should be sacked - bottlefeeding is very dangerous if it's not done correctly.

Lorgy · 29/05/2015 20:28

I don't object to the breastfeeding support groups, I just wish they provided support for non breastfeeding mums too. I had pnd twice triggered mostly by failure to breastfeed. With my first I managed to successfully express for a year but I had medical issues the second time and never established supply despite lactation consultant support. I felt isolated and had no peers with babies so really needed somewhere to go meet other mums for support but there wasn't anywhere to go. The health visitor team admitted it just wasn't something they would get funding for as they had to promote the breastfeeding cafes instead. I felt incredibly let down and still do.

Minifingers9 · 29/05/2015 20:29

"The vast majority of mothers will be trying to make feeding choices that they feel are best for their children, and what's right for one family won't be right for all families."

In the UK the vast majority must conclude that ff is best for their children as most UK babies over a few weeks old are fully ff.
In other countries the majority will conclude that breastfeeding is best for their babies as most babies over a few weeks old are still breastfed.

There is something about living in the UK which makes women need to or want to ff.

It's a cultural thang.

Angst about not breastfeeding is also a cultural thing.

CultureSucksDownWords · 29/05/2015 20:32

Would the breastfeeding groups not have tried to help/be supportive though? Would they actually turn away mums that don't fit their apparent target audience?

Original poster
cantbelieveimonhere · 29/05/2015 20:34

Lorgy
Re: feeling unsupported ff, I'm surprised to hear that.

Where I live all mothers (inpatients on a postnatal ward, regardless of how long or short you are there for) are offered advice re: caring for baby. This includes verbal information, written information and practical demonstrations (bathing baby and for those who chose to ff - making up a bottle). As much help as is necessary is available for bf also. If a mum decided to bf, she and baby are not discharged until baby can consistently latch on and feed for a full feed. I know some people decline the class because they are on 2nd/3rd/4th child etc and feel confident with a newborn. But for new mums it's a life saver.
I would have thought that was provided right across the UK.

OP posts: