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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To offer my friend financial advice after she has postponed her wedding - AGAIN?

53 replies

MaxiPriestess · 29/05/2015 10:13

My friend has just postponed her wedding for the third time. Because they can't afford to pay for it.

I can't deny I am pissed off about the money I have spent out on an outfit (not cheap, because of the theme - see below), and a present. And about the fact that we have changed all of our holiday plans for the year in order to be there (we are a two-working-parent family and between two diferent work places and two different schools, holiday planning isn't that easy at the best of times). Probably not as pissed off as the guests who have booked flights and hotels though.

My friend and her fiancé do not have much money. And honestly, I do sympathise. But they are not having a small wedding. They are having a large, dressy wedding with a theme, a full sit-down dinner and WEDDING PLANNERS FFS.

She is the sort of person who would decide to sell Avon to make some cash, and then before she has sold a single lipstick, buy a top of the range new laptop to support her business venture.

AIBU to want to suggest that they cut their cloth accordingly, and have a gorgeous shoestring wedding, supported by friends and family who will happily cook, BYO booze, play music, make decorations (they have many creative friends), rather than plan this completely unrealistic wedding, which is putting them into debt and alienating their friends and family as they keep bloody cancelling it?

OP posts:
Original poster
MaxiPriestess · 29/05/2015 10:17

And - if anyone thinks that some friendly financial/life advice might be a good idea - any suggestions on how to word it so that it's positive and helpful, rather than lecturing and/or pissy?

OP posts:
MrsNextDoor · 29/05/2015 10:17

YABU. Put the dress and gift away and wear them when it actually happens.

FenellaFellorick · 29/05/2015 10:19

She won't thank you. She'll think you are being unreasonable. Grin

The outfit you will just save and wear when they do marry, the gift you will give them when they do marry, those are one time costs, so you just save them now, you don't have to buy again.

I don't think it would be unreasonable to tell her how she is affecting others. Tell her you've bought the outfit and that is the one you'll be wearing regardless what theme she may want. Tell her about all the messing about. Ask her to consider others. Ask her if it's fair to mess everyone about like this. To cost people money.

She may well spit out her dummy. You may well be painted as the heartless cow who is trying to ruin her princess day and who just doesn't understand...

Or perhaps she'll get hold of herself and take a second to think outside her bubble. You never know.

LokiBear · 29/05/2015 10:20

YANBU to be annoyed at the disruption. However? There is no way that you can say what you want to say that will not cause offence. People need to come to their own conclusions.

LokiBear · 29/05/2015 10:21

However, not however? ^

LIZS · 29/05/2015 10:27

When was it due to happen ? Sounds like everyone has been a bit hasty in committing to coming if there was still time to cancel . Next time don't bother.

FinnJuhl · 29/05/2015 10:28

YANBU. I'd be fed up with that too, but you can't change her behaviour, you can only change your expectations of her. How much notice did they give of postponement? Can you return the outfit and get your money back?

Snog · 29/05/2015 10:30

It's reasonable to tell her what inconvenience the postponement has caused you if she isn't already aware.
I don't think offering unsolicited advice is appropriate though. She is after all an adult and can ask for advice if she would like it.

GloGirl · 29/05/2015 10:35

Yabu, don't tell her. I'm sure she will do it all again regardless.

Ps - what was the theme?!

viva100 · 29/05/2015 10:37

I'd be very very annoyed with that but I don't think you can say anything. Although she might find that not as many people will commit to the next one.
People are funny about their weddings. My DP absolutely wants a big, proper wedding, he really insisted on it. He's more excited about the whole thing than I am...and he's financially savvy and not very keen on 'girly' stuff but when it came to his own wedding the man wanted a proper colour scheme in place! And an ice sculpture Hmm

MakeItACider · 29/05/2015 10:39

Well the guests who have booked flights and hotels won't be making that mistake again - so her fancy shmancy wedding will be a darn sight smaller next time around!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 29/05/2015 10:39

Only spend money you have is pretty basic advice isn't it? Like eat less cake, do more exercise for people who want to lose weight. Doesn't everyone know what you should be doing, it's the putting it into practice and maintaining IT consistently that's the hard bit?

I don't think there's any point offering unsolicited advice. You may wish to decline/delay when she invites you to wedding number 4.

DorothyBastard · 29/05/2015 10:40

People are often barely unwilling to receive 'advice' when they have asked for it, let alone when its unsolicited. She will make whatever mistakes she is going to make I'm afraid.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 29/05/2015 10:40

If you can't cancrl flights and hotels, I'd go anyway.

pieceofpurplesky · 29/05/2015 10:41

Wedding theme? Really! Never heard of that, I've been missing out

Original poster
MaxiPriestess · 29/05/2015 10:45

Thanks all for your advice about giving advice. Taken on board - I won't say anything. I do think, sadly, that their list of guests will be dwindling, and this may demonstrate something to them, though I suspect not.

LIZS - the invitations asked for a bizarrely early RVSP date. And the requested gift was donations to the honeymoon - in cash, to be sent to them several weeks in advance of the wedding. Hence why it's all been done so early and hence why it is frustrating to have the rug whipped away (AGAIN! Seriously - this is the third time!).

OP posts:
batfish · 29/05/2015 11:04

Wow so they have already had the cash gifts from all of their guests? I wouldn't be happy if someone had taken the cash already - and given their track record I would also wonder whether they would even spend it on a honeymoon. I have friends who were married 18 months ago and asked for cash towards their honeymoon and to date they haven't been anywhere. Pisses me off a bit as we also had honeymoon money (but packaged slightly differently where we listed all of the things we wanted to do whilst away on a website and people could select a meal or an excursion) and we went to great lengths to take photos of everything we did so that we could send proper thank yous to all of our friends and family as I would have hated them to think we just took the money and didn't do the things they had chosen for us.

If she rebooks the wedding again I would not plan anything (outfit, hotel etc) until the very last minute and if it means that you can't stick to the theme or if you have to leave early as can't stay over then she will just have to understand that everyone is fed up of being dicked around.

I have sympathy with someone having to cancel once if they felt things had got out of control but then surely you learn a lesson and either cut down on what you are having at the wedding or you save first before booking it all again. 3 times.

Sandbrook · 29/05/2015 12:16

You've already sent them a cash gift?
And they've cancelled the wedding?

springsprang · 29/05/2015 12:21

Ask for the money back. They're not getting married. And decline the invitation next time.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 29/05/2015 12:26

Ask for the money back. They're not getting married. And decline the invitation next time.

This. And return your outfit and have a lovely family holiday

candlesandlight · 29/05/2015 12:31

I presume they will return the cash soon

Summerisle1 · 29/05/2015 12:33

I doubt that your advice will probably be heard if this is the third time they've cancelled the wedding! However, they should be returning gifts and also realising that next time, people simply won't be committing themselves to attending until very much nearer the date. If they attend at all!

Original poster
MaxiPriestess · 29/05/2015 12:43

They haven't cancelled, they've postponed. They've given a new date although it is not until next year. Yes, they already have the cash gifts. I don't care TBH whether they spend it on their honeymoon or not (as I said, they are not rich people, and if they use it towards their house or for their grocery shop or whatever, I don't mind) but I think they are stuck in a loop of overreaching themselves financially and then having to give up on what they really want (a wedding) because they've wasted their money on non-essentials (wedding planners for example). I don't think they're trying it on but I do think they are being foolish, and selfish, and hurting both their friends/family and themselves.

Am wondering about responding to the postponement email with the question of whether they could go ahead on the original date but with a revised plan.

OP posts:
TipsyandT0m · 29/05/2015 12:45

If she is a very close friend, then you could maybe suggest a cheaper wedding, held in a barn, country pub etc. More a "have you ever thought about ....." Put it across as being something truly unique that wedding guests are more likely to remember, as it will stand out from the usual. You can mention that it will probably be cheaper too.
I think I would make it more of a casual suggestion and maybe a seed will be planted.

batfish · 29/05/2015 12:47

The only other possibility is.....could they be postponing because all is not well in their relationship but they would rather blame finances than tell everyone this?