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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To offer my friend financial advice after she has postponed her wedding - AGAIN?

53 replies

MaxiPriestess · 29/05/2015 10:13

My friend has just postponed her wedding for the third time. Because they can't afford to pay for it.

I can't deny I am pissed off about the money I have spent out on an outfit (not cheap, because of the theme - see below), and a present. And about the fact that we have changed all of our holiday plans for the year in order to be there (we are a two-working-parent family and between two diferent work places and two different schools, holiday planning isn't that easy at the best of times). Probably not as pissed off as the guests who have booked flights and hotels though.

My friend and her fiancé do not have much money. And honestly, I do sympathise. But they are not having a small wedding. They are having a large, dressy wedding with a theme, a full sit-down dinner and WEDDING PLANNERS FFS.

She is the sort of person who would decide to sell Avon to make some cash, and then before she has sold a single lipstick, buy a top of the range new laptop to support her business venture.

AIBU to want to suggest that they cut their cloth accordingly, and have a gorgeous shoestring wedding, supported by friends and family who will happily cook, BYO booze, play music, make decorations (they have many creative friends), rather than plan this completely unrealistic wedding, which is putting them into debt and alienating their friends and family as they keep bloody cancelling it?

OP posts:
Fleecyleesy · 29/05/2015 12:54

Yabu. Don't go there unless you want the friendship ruined.

The financial advice would basically be to live within her means. I'm sure she's not so stupid that she doesn't already know that. She has a spending problem, not a financial knowledge problem.

DinosaursRoar · 29/05/2015 12:55

I was thinking the same thing as Batfish - people like this tend to find the money for weddings, including borrowing it and putting on new credit cards, posponding due to finances is more likely to be sometihng someone who's a bit more sensible with money would do...

I would not say anything. But consider the gift money spend, change your holiday plans back again, see if you can return the outfit and if there is a 'next time', just wait until the very last minute to get an outfit, preferably one you want and will wear again, ignoring any theme.

Aussiemum78 · 29/05/2015 12:56

Did they get cash gifts the other two times????

Surely postponing is costing money too? Don't they lose any deposits or something?

Very rude to her guests. You won't be the only one annoyed.

BalloonSlayer · 29/05/2015 13:02

I didn't think you had a honeymoon as such if you got married abroad. Confused

I thought the honeymoon just followed on from the wedding, ie you go abroad for 2 weeks, friends and family fly out with you, you get married on day 3, friends and family piss off home on day 5, but you stay there for the rest of the time and that's your honeymoon.

I think you've been had.

butterfly133 · 29/05/2015 13:07

I would politely say "are you sure you want to go ahead with this" and point out that it's one day of her life. I have spoken - carefully - when friends have got into debt and they haven't taken offence. Just need to be tactful. YANBU. They will def have a smaller wedding next time, surely guests have lost deposits and what not?

Original poster
MaxiPriestess · 29/05/2015 13:17

Balloon they aren't getting married abroad - the guests paying for flights and hotels are those coming from abroad or faraway parts of the UK.

I can only imagine that postponing has cost them a whole load of money :(

OP posts:
DinosaursRoar · 29/05/2015 13:30

Then she's going to have family having those conversations with her already.

At most, I would say that she could easily just do something smaller then a big party later on when they've saved up, but drop it quickly if she's not responsive as it does sound like an excuse.

If she's the type to go buy a laptop for a business she's not started yet, I would think she's the type to just max out credit cards, take out personal loans etc to pay for a dream wedding, not pospone.

Original poster
MaxiPriestess · 29/05/2015 14:19

Good point, Dinosaurs, that there are probably other people giving her advice - people in a better position than me to understand what's going on.

OP posts:
GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 29/05/2015 14:26

I'd tell but I wouldn't want to stay friends with someone so flaky and thoughtless.

Fatmomma99 · 29/05/2015 14:32

What was the theme?

OMG - they've had money off people. Is that all 3 times? This is like a scam!

Topseyt · 29/05/2015 14:37

I wouldn't frame it as advice. Just say that you simply won't be able to keep rearranging and re-jigging things if it all falls through again.

I wouldn't ask for the cash gift back. It wouldn't feel right. It was a gift, and once given surely you don't ask for gifts back?? She just doesn't get another one. That is all.

Her finances are her problem. How she manages them of fucks them up is her problem too. I would just leave it at that.

expatinscotland · 29/05/2015 14:40

Ask for the money back! And next time, decline the invitation. They aren't getting married.

0ddsocks · 29/05/2015 14:45

OP presumably people are only giving one cash gift, regardless of how many invitations they get? Or are they sending a new gift per 'wedding date'?

coconutpie · 29/05/2015 15:13

OMG I can't believe they already have been given cash gifts. That should have been the first warning signal - NEVER give a cash gift upfront - I can't believe they demanded that and people gave them the gift, that is insane. Jees, demanding cash on the invitation as a wedding gift is bad enough but demanding it in advance of said wedding just takes it to a whole new low.

OP - I would ask for the money back. That money was a wedding present, they haven't gotten married so they should be handing it back. In fact they should be doing that without even being asked but I doubt they will. It sounds like a bit of a scam tbh. Did people give them a gift each time they got an invite?!

DrSethHazlittMD · 29/05/2015 15:18

I'd definitely be asking for the money back.

Sorry, but no one postpones a wedding THREE times. There is something seriously off here.

HirplesWithHaggis · 29/05/2015 17:02

My DS and his DF have, and I already paid for most of it.

PeppermintCrayon · 29/05/2015 17:17

I would stay out of it unless asked for advice.

CakeMakesEverythingBetter · 29/05/2015 18:34

If everything is already booked then postponing is probably the only way they can preserve their deposits. I had to move my date only once and before invitations had gone out and the deposits were just moved over to the new date. Cancelling would have lost them.

YANBU to wonder why they are committed to a flashy wedding they can't really afford, but they are where they are. Downsizing it now would mean giving up on their dream day and I totally get why they wouldn't want to do that. They shouldn't be inconveniencing others though Sad

TarkaTheOtter · 29/05/2015 18:41

I wouldn't pay to attend a wedding twice if it was postponed after the rsvp date unless there were serious mitigating circumstances.

PenguinBollards · 29/05/2015 18:57

They keep attempting to have a wedding they can't afford, and have accepted cash from people on previous occasions.

They sound like a pair of complete arses - at best delusional, at worst scam artists.

Get a refund on your dress and gift, and politely decline the invitation to the next wedding. And the one after that. And scam attempt number six, and seven, and eight ...

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 29/05/2015 19:39

I expect the cash gift in advance was paying for the wedding.

Guests obviously haven't been as generous as they thought.

Fluffcake · 29/05/2015 19:54

You could try but she would obviously prefer to wait and have the wedding she wants rather than have the one now that she can afford. Personally, I think that is a bit daft as it's not about just one day but spending the rest of your life together. And to start that life in debt is just madness but each to their own. Its not like there is a correlation between the cost of a wedding and how long it lasts.
I suggest as others have, that you put the present away for next wedding and return outfit if possible. Arrange your holidays as suits you and fit in with her plans if you can.

Minisoksmakehardwork · 29/05/2015 19:58

I think as king says, the gifted money is likely to pay for the wedding itself. And also someone else upthread said there may be bigger issues behind postponing so many times.

Maybe your friend is using the cost of the wedding as an excuse for pre wedding jitters. If she's a good friend, rather than discussing finances with her, just invite her round for a relaxing evening 'to give her a break from the inevitable shit storm postponing has caused'.

Giving her a chance to talk without being judged may just give her enough encouragement to cut her cloth to fit, rather than create something she thinks she should have to show off to everyone else.

missymayhemsmum · 30/05/2015 00:11

YANBU. How close a friend do you have to be to say wtf are you thinking dearest?

Mistigri · 30/05/2015 06:30

Unless she's a very close friend then you're being unreasonable to think she will listen seriously to you.

The wedding, if it ever takes place, will be a smaller cheaper affair due to all the people who've been messed about and won't bother to come. In your shoes I wouldn't be reorganising anything for the new date.

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