to be glad I can't remember being breastfed?

[retrocutie]

I just read this article in the, erm, Daily Mail. In it, a woman who is breastfeeding her 5 year-old and 2 year-old talks of her wish to still be breastfeeding when her kids are 10 years old. This makes me feel a bit uneasy. A child of 10 will remember being breastfed and I just think it is a bit yucky. Sorry. I am glad I wasn't still breastfed at that age. Some children are going through puberty at 10… I dunno, it just seems a bit, well, wrong somehow. At some point it becomes inappropriate, surely?

Not only that, but as is often the case in these families, the poor husband has been banished to the spare room so that the mother can co-sleep with the DC. Just seems a bit unfair. I feel more than a bit sorry for him.

AIBU?

I said upthread why I think it matters that we use good research. Because too many women get guilt-tripped and demonised, on both sides of the debate. Because we need to know whether and when we should spent taxpayers' money on public health promotion to persuade more women to breastfeed, and where/whether it should be left to individual choice.

Totally agree with that - on a public level we should care much more about this. But privately IMO the only reason that people get so het up about what other people do is that they are not secure in their own choices.

I know that I did the best I could at the time for each of my children. As it happened that was different ways of feeding each one of them.
I have friends who co-sleep with their 3 children, eldest is 12, in one humongous family bed - works for them, would drive me nuts.
I have another friend who bottle-fed and weaned early - she had her reasons, they would not have been mine, but it's nothing to do with me.

As you were.

I breast feed my 14m old and and have no intention of stopping anytime soon. My DH does spend a lot of nights in the spare bedroom and I'm sure he's really hating having 10 hours of undisturbed sleep every night.....

Which sort of brings us back to the OP's original question.
Is extended or whatever the correct word for it breastfeeding, (especially where the partner has to spend a lot of time out of the marital bed) fair on the partner?
Is it good for the marriage in general?

A year or two of being banished from the marital bed is to be expected, but if a woman decides to feed up until school age, then that's a lot of years where the relationship between husband and wife is being put on the back 'burner'.

I'm not saying I agree with one way or the other, but I think the OP has raised some decent questions that give food for thought , even if you don't agree with her.

My daughters still recall breastfeeding fondly (they were fed until 2 1/2 and 2 3/4 ish). DH was in the same bed when we co-slept and seeing as I managed to get pregnant twice while breastfeeding and co-sleeping I guess the banishment wasn't very effective. I don't really see the issue tbh. I don't think it is traumatic and it is treated just as a normal thing - the way a child is fed and something they moved on from. Just like they used to have sippy cups and now they can drink from glasses - no big deal. Other people make a fuss about feeding choices but you cannot control what others do. [shrug emoticon]

"A year or two of being banished from the marital bed is to be expected, but if a woman decides to feed up until school age, then that's a lot of years where the relationship between husband and wife is being put on the back 'burner'"

No, it's not. As others have said, older children don't feed as frequently or for as long as babies, so there is no impact on the husband/wife relationship. My husband wasn't 'banished' during the baby years anyway, so I'm not sure why this myth is so prolific.

My youngest still bf's at bedtime. For less that one minute. She sleeps in her own bed, mostly - sometimes she comes into our bed (as do most young children, at some point, bf or not).

But a bed is just for sleeping - does it really matter if we do it in separate places?

Me and DH still hold hands and cuddle all the time. We still have days out together as well as going out for meals and date nights together and we still have a sex life.

If a couple have that what does it matter if they sleep in seperate beds?

As far as separate bedrooms go - there can be many reasons couples choose to sleep not all to do with children - sometimes the snoring of a partner is very disruptive and separate sleeping spaces are necessary. A healthy sexual relationship is not dependent on being asleep next to each other for 8 hours a day - in fact it is out of the bed that you need to connect and maintain intimacy.

choose to sleepseparately

cross posts writer

My husband has been booted out of the bedroom for extreme snoring - but never on account of bf-ing or co-sleeping.

Is extended or whatever the correct word for it breastfeeding, (especially where the partner has to spend a lot of time out of the marital bed) fair on the partner?
Is it good for the marriage in general?

Are there non-bed-related reasons you imagine it would be unfair on the partner or bad for the marriage?

Don't really care what other couple's sleeping arrangements are though, so long as they're both happy with it (and I don't see any reason to doubt them if they say they are).

I'm breastfeeding a 1.5 year old. At what age should I banish my husband from the bed? (He would have to sleep in a cot due to lack of space.) Please excuse my ignorance, my antenatal classes didn't address this subject. Or reflux.

Each to their own, and every family is different, I do find it odd that the drinking of milk from a cow is more acceptable in society to many than human milk.

I don't give a fuck what this family does (presuming the mother doesn't non-consensually breastfeed anyone), as long as they go and do it in a pub with Nigel Farage so he can be horrified by the presence of tits. And send photos to the Mail.

Seriously OP, why do you even care? I actually would rather I'd been breastfed for long enough to remember if that was the alternative to being force-fed weetabix at a couple of weeks old on 'medical' advice, back in the day. I doubt many 10 year olds would want to still drink breast milk anyway, so at that age it will be irrelevant. At 5- I know (actually babysat for) someone who was breastfed for that long as a child, and she's healthier and more sociable now as an adult than I am, so doesn't seem to have harmed her in any way.

Natural term breastfeeding and co-sleeping are two different issues.

It's perfectly possible to breastfeed without co-sleeping. DS2 (20 months) is breastfed and he sleeps in his own bedroom. He's still very keen on breastfeeding and I can't really see any good reason to stop him at the minute.

Incidentally, DS1 (3.9 yrs) still has a bottle of (cows) milk most nights at bedtime. I wonder how many of the people who think breastfeeding a 3.9yr old is wrong / yucky / unnecessary / all for the mum etc feel the same way about bottle feeding an older child?

And it's possible for a couple to be intimate outside the marital bed. One of my friends told me her youngest was conceived on the kitchen table. I've also got a childless friend who sleeps in a separate bed from her DH because he snores. Is it fair on him to be excluded from the marital bed? I've never really stopped to think about that as they seem happy enough together.

I don't give a stuff how anybody feeds their child.

I do feel sorry for that man though. He must effectively be living as a single man if she disappears off to bed with the children at the end of the working day each day. It's interesting that he says very little about the effect on the relationship between himself and his wife and the physical side-but he says quite a bit about how unhappy he is about his relationship with the children suffering because he can't read them a bedtime story and his time with them is limited.

I think the bedtime story thing means that there's a hell of a lot more going on in this story than extended breastfeeding. I can't see why he couldn't sit on the end of the bed and read a story while the other 3 are in bed unless he's been told he's not welcome.

And to say if he doesn't like it he should simply 'leave' is very unfair on him. Perhaps he, y'know, loves his wife? That sort of thing? Doesn't want to give up the small amount of time he does get with his kids? Doesn't want to break up the family as it would lower their standard of living and possibly force their mother to go back to work?

There was an article in the same paper a few weeks back about another family who co slept and had in the past extended breastfed. Their children were much older, but the Dad seemed fine with the situation, and you could clearly tell there was very much a strong and physical bond between the parents still.

This couple, it really doesn't sit right. The disappearing when he comes home from work, he's not allowed in to read bedtime stories and his time with the children is limited; I really don't think she likes him at all. I suspect she likes the lifestyle he provides but not him, and this is her excuse to withdraw.

There was an article in the same paper a few weeks back about another family who co slept and had in the past extended breastfed. Their children were much older, but the Dad seemed fine with the situation, and you could clearly tell there was very much a strong and physical bond between the parents still.

Is that the one that was completely mis-reported? I caught an episode of The Wright Stuff about it and the dad phoned in..........

Um I have my own bedroom, decorated just the way I like it and the most comfy bed in the world and I stopped breastfeeding years ago a well silly argument right there.

DH and I had a LDR when we got together. Being in different countries 80% of the time suited me best, never mind separate rooms!

We co sleep, with one kid in our super kingsize bed. DS goes down first in his cot, which is in our room. DH and I follow a few hours later, DS transfers into the bed at some point. I bf DS a couple of times in the night. He's 13 months.
Often, DH and I have a lovely shag in our comfy lounge while watching telly/ listening to music etc. One day we'll be at it in our bed again, but right now, we're very, very happy.
There you go, for those posters who struggle with the logistics of such things.

BECAUSE WE LOSE THE ABILITY TO BREASTFEED around the time we lose our milk teeth. The jaw changes shape too much. Like all animals, we're not designed to breastfeed into adulthood.

I don't understand this at all. Surely it is quite easy to suck milk from a breast at any age? Even 40 years old. Very easy indeed.

Do you know a 40yr old who's tried it, Thatwas?

And to say if he doesn't like it he should simply 'leave' is very unfair on him

The point I was making is that irrespective of the parenting decisions being bf/co-sleeping (like I said it could be schooling, their solid diet, etc) we are all reliant on coming to an agreement with our partners on the best way forward with parenting.

Would it be better if she followed his parenting decisions instead? Didn't bf / co-sleep? Would you not feel sorry for her then?

A fundamental disagreement on an aspect of raising children can be very hard to work through and will leave one parent upset, maybe so upset that they leave. It may make them feel powerless.

I still think any parent genuinely feeling that level of upset shouldn't be bitching to the Daily Mail about it and his inability to publicly support his family and their lifestyle makes me lose all compassion/respect for him.

"I don't understand this at all. Surely it is quite easy to suck milk from a breast at any age?"

You might get some milk out if there was enough supply, but no, a proper latch isn't the same as just "sucking", there's a weird tongue/palate thing involved that's specifically for pulling the milk out of the breast. It's not just like sucking it out through a straw! It's why babies with tongue tie who can't latch properly can have feeding issues/fail to gain weight - they're sucking alright but they're not properly latching so there isn't enough milk coming out/going in (and in fact sucking without a proper latch can damage the mother's nipple). It's also why breastpumps are complicated contraptions that sound like a hoover and still aren't as efficient as a baby.

Another person here who has managed to feed two children into toddlerhood without anyone being banished. Maybe I should banish him now? Am I not doing it properly?

So basically Pomeral, what you are saying is not that we should 'reach agreement' with our partners, but that men should agree with every decision their wives make unless the wives choose to compromise? And you lose all 'respect' for them unless they will publicly declare their wife is right? You're not talking about agreement or compromise. You're saying he should submit entirely or leave.

Even if they are essentially being shut out of family life altogether? I don't think it's the case with all extended breastfeeding or cosleeping. But the impression I get from that story is that she has essentially checked out of the marriage but it's more convenient for her to arrange it like this rather than leaving him.

The fact this man lives in the same house as the children but has severely limited time with them, what do you think his chances of gaining decent access if he left would be