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AIBU?

I think I'm being a huge bitch.

58 replies

HelpMeNotSnap · 28/05/2015 09:56

A family member passed away last night. Their partner text us to let us know. Within minutes the fb statuses are up, but from family who didn't even know they'd been back in and out of hospital for months, hadn't rang to see how they or their partner were coping, hadn't came to visit.

I'm sure we're all mourning the person who has passed away. And everyone mourns differently.

I'm having trouble with their gushing posts and the gracious acceptance of sympathy from all quarters. I'm angry that if I'd opened my laptop a minute earlier I'd had found out the news not from a text from their partner, but from a fucking facebook status.

This has been a while coming, so isn't a shock, at least it shouldn't be. But it was, like a ton of bricks is a shock. I think I'm passing my anger at losing such a brilliant person onto family. I've not called them on it, not my place to say how others should behave, but I want to delete them all and scream how dare they.

I'm gutted, they were a brilliant person. My friend and a great source of support and advice during a difficult few years. They had a wicked sense of humour and our phone bills were often whinged about by both our partners. I feel so guilty. I've cried for them long before today, I mourned them before today, but today is still so fucking raw. I feel guilty that these family members are getting any of my emotion today, they don't deserve a jot of it.

OP posts:

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Fromparistoberlin73 · 28/05/2015 12:02

you are not being a huge bitch

I am so sorry for you losing good relative and friend

ignore the rest of em X

ollieplimsoles · 28/05/2015 12:03

So sorry for your loss OP, you are not a bitch and this would piss me off so much too

Why put something like that on FB anyway, some people just HAVE to show some involvement with a situation. What annoys me the most is when total strangers and randomers on the offenders FB comment on their post- it just seems so wrong that total strangers are now somehow involved in a bereavement

ApprenticeViper · 28/05/2015 12:04

NoUseForAName That is awful. Your poor sister, reading about her DGM's passing on bloody Facebook. I bet your dad was fuming with your cousin.

I really think people just don't think about what they're posting, in the rush to be "first" to get the information out there. I don't know whether they think they're being helpful, but I can assure you that when someone I know dies, my first thought isn't to put it on Facebook

fiveacres · 28/05/2015 12:06

I don't think you are being a bitch.

However I can see the 'appeal' of letting people know en masse via Facebook when someone dies. When our dad died, my brother updated his Facebook with the news because to be honest we were in an impossible situation - he was abroad, his phone was with him, we didn't have contact details of friends.

Through Facebook, word spread very quickly and meant we didn't have to keep having the same conversations over and over.

I think sometimes when someone dies you're just numb with shock - I was, especially if it comes out of the blue as my dads did and later my brothers. Luckily, my brothers friends updated Facebook for me when he died (I don't have it any more.)

Dogsmom · 28/05/2015 12:07

Yanbu at all, I use Facebook a lot and although it has its good side it also brings out the worst in some people and for some unknown reason a lot of it comes out when somebody dies.
If it's a celebrity it's almost a race to prove you know first, I think your husband summed it up perfectly, it makes some people feel important to have sympathy from others which I personally think makes them appear very shallow.
Don't waste your energy on these people, spend your time thinking of your relative and how much joy they bought to you.x

fiveacres · 28/05/2015 12:09

I am so shocked at these.

God knows what people thought of me then when dad and brother died.

I just thought they were thinking 'how sad'.

ENormaSnob · 28/05/2015 12:11

Yanbu

BlueBananas · 28/05/2015 12:16

It's exactly reasons like this that I don't have Facebook, because I would just have to say something

Sorry for your loss OP

Momunnymoproblems · 28/05/2015 12:19

I found out my uncle had died through a FB post. I was alone in the middle of the night. My dad waited to ring me in the morning because he didn't want to wake me with the news. It's so upsetting when the choice of how the close family find out is taken away.

And yes the 'grief tourists' were all appearing on fb saying how devastated they were and how they couldn't stop crying. Funny how they didn't appear at my Aunts house or at the funeral to pay respects ...

for you OP

ApprenticeViper · 28/05/2015 12:24

fiveacres Your situation was different, in that it was your brother who updated his status to let people know after consulting you (and, presumably, any other siblings).

It wasn't some random cousin-twice-removed racing to put the news of their "sort of" uncle passing away, regardless of whether any closer family members than they might not have been notified yet, in order to garner loads of comments and sympathetic messages, like it was some sort of competition.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 28/05/2015 12:27

fiveacres that's different. I was referring to random second cousins twice removed putting up 'RIP' statuses hours after my brother died (his body was still at the side of the road at the time).

fiveacres · 28/05/2015 12:36

Fair enough. Sorry to hear that.

Fatmomma99 · 28/05/2015 12:45

agree with everyone.

Also sorry for your loss, and don't think you are being a bitch or at all unreasonable.

Stay away from FB!

yogeek · 28/05/2015 12:56

YANBU - take care of yourself

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/05/2015 13:03

Do you need to be on facebook, OP? Not being snippy, just it's something I would shy a million miles away from right now.

Perhaps his partner minds, perhaps they don't? You do. Stay off facebook for now if it's going to upset you.

Gottagetmoving · 28/05/2015 13:05

You have suffered a huge loss and are upset and even angry,..but try not to bother about what other people are doing. Like you say, people deal with this differently and for whatever reason, some post on facebook and want attention.
None of this need affect you,..just deal with your own grief and feelings and leave them to do it their way.

ItsRainingInBaltimore · 28/05/2015 13:10

YANBU. I think facebook has turned so many people into attention seeking, disingenuous, narcissistic arses and I frequently cringe at some of the things I see on there. It's just not cricket.

Sorry for your loss HelpMe

404UsernameNotFound · 28/05/2015 13:26

YANBU at all.

DH's family has what we call a 'professional griever'. When his Uncle died suddenly she was weeping and wailing over Facebook, writing poems and generally being a pain in the arse. This was all for a man she hadn't seen since she was about 8 and she was 19 at the time. Had to get another family member to reel her in because Uncles family were ready to throttle her.

Purplepumpkins · 28/05/2015 15:10

My friend found out her sister died on Facebook! Her sister was away at college and and she at another and the sister was in a car crash near her campus and obviously word spread around campus that their had been a student killed in a car crash. My friends parents had been informed but didn't want to tell my friend on the phone so they were on their way to see her and one of the fellow students had started writing messages on fb about the death and my friend saw it! Awful what a way to find out,

HopOnTheMonnerBus · 28/05/2015 15:44

Sorry for your loss.

When my mum died I had a friend make a huge deal over a post she'd put on FB about life being precious and how she was "mourning alongside her close friend over the loss of her mother" complete with 'inspirational' images. This was the same friend who, when my mum was at her worst and I was caring for her, said to me "god you're always so miserable at the minute, I never know what kind of mood you're going to be in" complete with eye roll.

After the FB post she text me asking if I'd seen it and how she was pleased with the comments and likes on it.

HelpMeNotSnap · 28/05/2015 16:08

Thank you all for being so kind.

I'm sorry if I implied that anyone didn't do 'right' when they lost someone. Everyone does things differently and I appreciate and respect that.

I came down from a nap to see it has hit fever pitch on fb and will be staying away. It feels ghoulish, but this is due to the people who are posting it and their 'relationship' with my lovely family member in the past.

OP posts:

shovetheholly · 28/05/2015 16:13

It's the concentric circles of illness thing again, isn't it? The people who are most affected should be at the centre, and everyone who is more distant should question whether their reactions are helpful or unhelpful to those people.

I don't mind people posting on Facebook about grief. I think it can be helpful for many. I DO mind people making that grief ALL ABOUT THEM when they're not in the inner circles, didn't visit or care for the person, and especially if the death isn't yet fully public knowledge. I sometimes feel that there is a kind of 'Oooh, get me, I knew about this BEFORE YOU DID' about it, which is distasteful to say the very least.

OTheHugeManatee · 28/05/2015 16:14

I'm so sorry for your loss.

FWIW I find that kind of ostentatious social media grief-wanking pretty revolting so I'm absolutely with you on this.

In the interests of protecting yourself and avoiding pointless drama at what's clearly a difficult time for you, perhaps the safest thing to do is resist the temptation to have a massive go at them, and just unfollow them on Facebook. Then you can leave them to their emotional exhibitionism where you can't see it.

WonderingWillow · 28/05/2015 16:16

YANBU. It's like everyone wants a slice of the grief, and the accompanying sympathy.

It's a very strange symptom.

ElkTheory · 28/05/2015 16:41

I'm very sorry for your loss. And I think YANBU.

When my dad died last year it was very sudden and unexpected. We contacted family members and close friends personally to let them know. And some people volunteered to tell others, bless them.

A couple of weeks after his death, I knew that many of my friends had no idea about what had happened. These are people with no personal connection to my dad at all and they are scattered to the four corners of the earth. I wanted them to know about my dad but the thought of contacting them all individually was just too overwhelming. So I posted something on Facebook. But it is not something I would have done immediately after his death.

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