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AIBU?

I think I'm being a huge bitch.

58 replies

HelpMeNotSnap · 28/05/2015 09:56

A family member passed away last night. Their partner text us to let us know. Within minutes the fb statuses are up, but from family who didn't even know they'd been back in and out of hospital for months, hadn't rang to see how they or their partner were coping, hadn't came to visit.

I'm sure we're all mourning the person who has passed away. And everyone mourns differently.

I'm having trouble with their gushing posts and the gracious acceptance of sympathy from all quarters. I'm angry that if I'd opened my laptop a minute earlier I'd had found out the news not from a text from their partner, but from a fucking facebook status.

This has been a while coming, so isn't a shock, at least it shouldn't be. But it was, like a ton of bricks is a shock. I think I'm passing my anger at losing such a brilliant person onto family. I've not called them on it, not my place to say how others should behave, but I want to delete them all and scream how dare they.

I'm gutted, they were a brilliant person. My friend and a great source of support and advice during a difficult few years. They had a wicked sense of humour and our phone bills were often whinged about by both our partners. I feel so guilty. I've cried for them long before today, I mourned them before today, but today is still so fucking raw. I feel guilty that these family members are getting any of my emotion today, they don't deserve a jot of it.

OP posts:

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missymayhemsmum · 28/05/2015 21:54

YANBU at all. When my DF died his band posted a tribute to him on their fb page and it was a great comfort to my DM that hundreds of people we didn't know remembered him and posted with sympathy and memories, and that even people he hadn't seen for years bothered to post condolences. But that was in the weeks after, not when the grief was raw and shocking. And it was people sending sympathy to our family, not people posting their own 'bereaved' status for attention.

emwithme · 28/05/2015 20:40

So sorry for your loss

I found out my cousin died from the LOCAL PAPER (article on FB - I'm 120-ish miles away). I was just ringing my Aunty (not her mum, another Aunty) to see whether the name who died was our name (on the landline) when my cousin (other-Aunty's daughter) rang me on my mobile.

Within minutes of it being "out" there were posts all over facebook. Admittedly, I had posted something too but it was a RANT at the local paper for not giving the family time to get the news out - cousin died at c 3.30 (in tragic circumstances) and was named online at 5.15 ish.

It brought back all the nasty feelings about certain cousins that had arisen at my Gran's funeral - they were there all sobbing and wailing and wearing black (the last thing my Gran wanted at her funeral was black, she had been very clear about this for my ENTIRE life) - but hadn't visited her for years.

Flambola · 28/05/2015 18:34

It's tawdry.

ahbollocks · 28/05/2015 18:20

Yanbu helpme
I lost a very good friend last week and within 4 days her ipad and iphone etc had been redistributed.
Her facebook was still linked to it so the person taking stupid fucking aelfies with it was accidentally uploading to her facebook and filling my timeline with myfriends name and stupid pouting photos of a near stranger (who by the way did not visit her in her last few weeks fighting cancer).
I was fucking livid.

Yanbu yan a bitch. Some people have no sense of tact or decorum

Pagwatch · 28/05/2015 18:20

Rant away HelpMe. I never found bereavement made me short of time.

Sadly the only answer is some people are selfish cocks. Try to ignore them.

It's easier said than done but we can only try.

HelpMeNotSnap · 28/05/2015 18:13

'I applaud you for finding time in your sorrow to highlight a very nasty aspect of FB. '

It was rant here or end up on 'Women who Snap'. MN to the rescue again.

This way I've blown off my steam, no ones the wiser and we can all get on with dealing with things in our own way.

OP posts:

1Morewineplease · 28/05/2015 17:31

Really sorry to hear of your loss HelpMe and you and I applaud you for finding time in your sorrow to highlight a very nasty aspect of FB. I'm sorry too to other posters on here with similar tales.
It is so upsetting for you and no doubt many other folk in similar circumstances but sadly I can't see how FB posts of this nature can be curtailed.
Damned FB .

ElkTheory · 28/05/2015 16:49

And you are not being a bitch at all!

ElkTheory · 28/05/2015 16:41

I'm very sorry for your loss. And I think YANBU.

When my dad died last year it was very sudden and unexpected. We contacted family members and close friends personally to let them know. And some people volunteered to tell others, bless them.

A couple of weeks after his death, I knew that many of my friends had no idea about what had happened. These are people with no personal connection to my dad at all and they are scattered to the four corners of the earth. I wanted them to know about my dad but the thought of contacting them all individually was just too overwhelming. So I posted something on Facebook. But it is not something I would have done immediately after his death.

WonderingWillow · 28/05/2015 16:16

YANBU. It's like everyone wants a slice of the grief, and the accompanying sympathy.

It's a very strange symptom.

OTheHugeManatee · 28/05/2015 16:14

I'm so sorry for your loss.

FWIW I find that kind of ostentatious social media grief-wanking pretty revolting so I'm absolutely with you on this.

In the interests of protecting yourself and avoiding pointless drama at what's clearly a difficult time for you, perhaps the safest thing to do is resist the temptation to have a massive go at them, and just unfollow them on Facebook. Then you can leave them to their emotional exhibitionism where you can't see it.

shovetheholly · 28/05/2015 16:13

It's the concentric circles of illness thing again, isn't it? The people who are most affected should be at the centre, and everyone who is more distant should question whether their reactions are helpful or unhelpful to those people.

I don't mind people posting on Facebook about grief. I think it can be helpful for many. I DO mind people making that grief ALL ABOUT THEM when they're not in the inner circles, didn't visit or care for the person, and especially if the death isn't yet fully public knowledge. I sometimes feel that there is a kind of 'Oooh, get me, I knew about this BEFORE YOU DID' about it, which is distasteful to say the very least.

HelpMeNotSnap · 28/05/2015 16:08

Thank you all for being so kind.

I'm sorry if I implied that anyone didn't do 'right' when they lost someone. Everyone does things differently and I appreciate and respect that.

I came down from a nap to see it has hit fever pitch on fb and will be staying away. It feels ghoulish, but this is due to the people who are posting it and their 'relationship' with my lovely family member in the past.

OP posts:

HopOnTheMonnerBus · 28/05/2015 15:44

Sorry for your loss.

When my mum died I had a friend make a huge deal over a post she'd put on FB about life being precious and how she was "mourning alongside her close friend over the loss of her mother" complete with 'inspirational' images. This was the same friend who, when my mum was at her worst and I was caring for her, said to me "god you're always so miserable at the minute, I never know what kind of mood you're going to be in" complete with eye roll.

After the FB post she text me asking if I'd seen it and how she was pleased with the comments and likes on it.

Purplepumpkins · 28/05/2015 15:10

My friend found out her sister died on Facebook! Her sister was away at college and and she at another and the sister was in a car crash near her campus and obviously word spread around campus that their had been a student killed in a car crash. My friends parents had been informed but didn't want to tell my friend on the phone so they were on their way to see her and one of the fellow students had started writing messages on fb about the death and my friend saw it! Awful what a way to find out,

404UsernameNotFound · 28/05/2015 13:26

YANBU at all.

DH's family has what we call a 'professional griever'. When his Uncle died suddenly she was weeping and wailing over Facebook, writing poems and generally being a pain in the arse. This was all for a man she hadn't seen since she was about 8 and she was 19 at the time. Had to get another family member to reel her in because Uncles family were ready to throttle her.

ItsRainingInBaltimore · 28/05/2015 13:10

YANBU. I think facebook has turned so many people into attention seeking, disingenuous, narcissistic arses and I frequently cringe at some of the things I see on there. It's just not cricket.

Sorry for your loss HelpMe

Gottagetmoving · 28/05/2015 13:05

You have suffered a huge loss and are upset and even angry,..but try not to bother about what other people are doing. Like you say, people deal with this differently and for whatever reason, some post on facebook and want attention.
None of this need affect you,..just deal with your own grief and feelings and leave them to do it their way.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/05/2015 13:03

Do you need to be on facebook, OP? Not being snippy, just it's something I would shy a million miles away from right now.

Perhaps his partner minds, perhaps they don't? You do. Stay off facebook for now if it's going to upset you.

yogeek · 28/05/2015 12:56

YANBU - take care of yourself

Fatmomma99 · 28/05/2015 12:45

agree with everyone.

Also sorry for your loss, and don't think you are being a bitch or at all unreasonable.

Stay away from FB!

fiveacres · 28/05/2015 12:36

Fair enough. Sorry to hear that.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 28/05/2015 12:27

fiveacres that's different. I was referring to random second cousins twice removed putting up 'RIP' statuses hours after my brother died (his body was still at the side of the road at the time).

ApprenticeViper · 28/05/2015 12:24

fiveacres Your situation was different, in that it was your brother who updated his status to let people know after consulting you (and, presumably, any other siblings).

It wasn't some random cousin-twice-removed racing to put the news of their "sort of" uncle passing away, regardless of whether any closer family members than they might not have been notified yet, in order to garner loads of comments and sympathetic messages, like it was some sort of competition.

Momunnymoproblems · 28/05/2015 12:19

I found out my uncle had died through a FB post. I was alone in the middle of the night. My dad waited to ring me in the morning because he didn't want to wake me with the news. It's so upsetting when the choice of how the close family find out is taken away.

And yes the 'grief tourists' were all appearing on fb saying how devastated they were and how they couldn't stop crying. Funny how they didn't appear at my Aunts house or at the funeral to pay respects ...

for you OP

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