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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

would you think mil was wrong to say she only wants my dd to sleepover n is favouring dd

67 replies

catswag · 28/05/2015 09:25

Dd is 7 and our youngest is 19months

Mil recently had them overnight as there was a special event on

Anyway mil has now siad to dh when i was in the loo
Next time can she just have dd
As she feels dd is missing out and that mil can't do baking n things with her

Now i get that a 19 month old is a different kettle of fish
Of course more hard work
But if you just want to make cupcakes
Stick tot in the highchair with a bowl n a a spoon and maybe a but of mix

To be fair dh was an only child so it could be connected
i guess it could be not as confident with two at once

But she seems to favor dd
And im not sure about sending dd alone

Also i wasnt sure about her saying this to dh when i was in loo
And i felt a bit sensitive over the comment she felt dd was missing out

What do you think?
What would you do or say?

OP posts:

LumpySpacedPrincess · 28/05/2015 10:34

I think it's lovely, she will probably do the same when your youngest is 7 too.

InkleWinkle · 28/05/2015 10:37

I have a 6 year age gap with mine & the older one often went for sleepovers etc at Grandmas herself.

With a slightly bigger gap the oldest can remember when it was just them & like to have that again sometimes.

crazykat · 28/05/2015 11:16

I cant see a problem with it as long as she has the youngest on their own too.

As pp have said, the toddler won't know and it'll be nice for your dd to get all the attention from mil and you can do things with the toddler.

If they were 10 and 4 and mil said only the eldest could stay then I'd see it as playing favourites.

If it makes you feel better then ask if mil can have the youngest on their own another time so you and dd can have some time just the two of you.

EducateTogetheralumnus · 28/05/2015 11:20

How old is your MIL? I think that has an impact. A 19mo is pretty full on and she probably feels like she can split age appropriate activities equally between the two of them. She also might be realistic about what she can cope with.

My DMIL is in her 70s, and my pair are 1 & 3. She has much older grandchildren with whom she was very much more involved when they were that age - had them overnight etc - but she's just not up to it with my pair. She's now closer to 80 than 70 and it just wouldn't be fair on her or the children.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 28/05/2015 11:21

Completely normal. It would be obviously nice if she was up for having both simultaneously but as prev posters have said, it's a bit exhausting and the reality is that it's much more relaxing and valuable one on one time with your eldest when a toddler doesn't have to be watched with a beady eye.

She is not slighting your 18 month old.

RedRugNoniMouldiesEtc · 28/05/2015 11:38

Don't forget that your tot will be 7 soon and dd1 will be a teen. It's highly likely she won't be baking with grandma on a regular basis and dd2 will be having her turn at special grandma time. It's one of the nice things about an age gap, everyone naturally gets different attention because of the different stages they are at. I wouldn't see it as favouring at this stage.

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 28/05/2015 12:17

do we think the OP is shopping, working or waiting for someone to agree with her?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 28/05/2015 12:46

I imagine she is running around after a 19 month old and a 7 yr old during half term......

morelikeguidelines · 28/05/2015 13:01

I have a similar gap.

Mil and dm often have just dd as she is much easier. We would only ask them to have both if it was a special event and we could only go if babysitting was overnight.

DeeWe · 28/05/2015 13:10

I had about a 19 month old and a 7yo (and a 4yo in the middle)

What it means a lot of the time you're saying "7yo just amuse yourself while I do for 19 month old". If you try to do anything with the 7yo at their level you're either constantly having to check on the 19month old or the 19 month old is trying to join in.

Things I could cope with doing with dd1's "help" I couldn't manage with dd1's "help" and ds trying to "help" too. So what tended to happen is dd1 had to do it independently (the advantage of that is by the time she was 8yo she could make fantastic cakes!) or we had both "helping", or I did it secretly on my own.

Same with days out. If I went to something suitable for a 7yo, then often the 19 month old becomes bored and you spend the time chasing them/bribing them and going home early. However usually the 7yo can enjoy things aimed at the 19 month old.

Now for me that meant that I did things with the older ones when ds was sleeping, or I had friends where one would take the younger and the other take the older. But your dmil may not be able to do that.

My dmil take my dc off for a few days, but she takes them separately, and one of the things they love is that they get time on their own. They can choose what is for lunch, they can choose where they go etc. without having to think about siblings. It's very special for both of them.

But it's also nice for the pair left behind because at the same time I can concentrate more on them. You have the same thing. Your 7yo has a special time with grandma, your 19month old can have a special time with you. Then when he gets older he will go on his own (I'll bet he isn't bothered now) and she will be able to do something on her own with you.

Being able to have time away from siblings and feeling special without them helps to keep sibling rivalry down I find too.

insanityscatching · 28/05/2015 13:14

My parents did the same always had the oldest and left the youngest (we had pairs though) What you perhaps aren't considering is that when your youngest is aged seven the eldest will be a teen and won't be too interested in a weekend at Granny's especially if it's away from her friends and it will the youngest child's turn for sleepovers then.

Littlemonstersrule · 28/05/2015 13:19

Of course older children miss out when another comes along, time and money has to be shared. Older ones like to do more grown up things without a toddler being in the way.

Your MIL sounds lovely.

MagicMojito · 28/05/2015 13:31

I agree with your mil! I find baking with dd1 much harder and a lot less enjoyable with when dd2 there as she needs to be entertained and it is very much stop, start, stop again as dd2 needs fussing/changing/cuddling etc.
Its actually FUN when its just myself and dd1 togeather.

I think its important to give each DD 1:1 time. I wouldn't see it as favoritism at all

fourchetteoff · 28/05/2015 13:35

I'm another one echoing that a bit of one-to-one time with Granny (without a toddler rampaging forth) is lovely for your DD.

Just as long as the reverse happens too I don't think it's unfair at all.
(Can't stand toddlers myself )

zipzap · 28/05/2015 13:57

I think the difference is that this time you needed your mil to look after both dc as you were going to a special event - it was needed babysitting time so she did need to have both dc otherwise if she only had one you'd still have needed to find somebody to look after the other dc or you couldn't have gone, thereby negating the need to do the babysitting at all.

However, having the elder gc over just for an overnight to have some gm/gd time is completely different and now is a great time for her to have dd1 to enjoy doing some things together that ds is too young for.

But if you need somebody to babysit them then unfortunately she does need to look after both of them or you need to have somebody else that can babysit one or both of them!

FenellaFellorick · 28/05/2015 14:10

A 19mth old is a lot more work than a 7 yr old.

Also it's really nice for your eldest to spend some time where all the grandma's attention is on her.

chaletdays · 28/05/2015 14:12

A 7yr old and a 19 month old could be a lot to handle for someone a bit older who isn't used to it.
Also, she probably wants her 7 yr old to feel a bit special and spoilt when she comes to stay.
By the time your 19 month old is 7 dd1 will be probably getting a bit too old for sleepovers with her gran and then dd2 will get her turn.

I know my mum prefers to have her dgc to stay one at a time and then she can do things specially tailored for their age.

Original poster

catswag · 28/05/2015 21:58

thanks for your thought, I've read all the comments and perhaps I'm being over sensitive
I can be a bit mental at times lol
will try my best to give her the benefit of your advice and say ok then
will see how it pans out
I do understand that the 19month old is more hard work
and I can do baking etc with them as i'm more used to it

I will need to see how things go though as I feel they are starting to be like dd dd dd dd

but I will try and accept what you say

OP posts:

Happybodybunny12 · 28/05/2015 22:04

Ah. Good on you op.

Fwiw I am sure your toddler is ace but obviously will be harder physically than your older dd and got to add will be less interesting.

You are quite lucky mil does overnights really.

Not sure I would.

mumeeee · 28/05/2015 22:11

hen our DDs were children they all spent time with MIL on their own. It was good for them to have some I:I time with Nanny. They were about 5 when this started to happen and I would not have expected MIL to have a 7 year old and a toddler at the same time.

BettyCatKitten · 28/05/2015 23:31

My mum will only have one grandchild at a time so she can give them 1:1 attention, which is very important.
It might feel like dd all the time, but I suspect that is to do with age. My mum will only have grandchildren stay who are over 6 years, as she finds them easier to look after as more independent. Your younger dd's time will come.

Original poster

catswag · 28/05/2015 23:35

Thanks it was probably the missing out comment that bothered me
I can understand a 7 year old is alot easier

I might also follow the suggeston on here that she has the youngest sometimes alone si we can spend time with the eldest

OP posts:

momtothree · 28/05/2015 23:46

I think that you are upset at the suggestion that you arent paying enough attention to the eldest. When the reality is that this is just how things are. I assume you treat them equally and spend time doing things they both enjoy, rather than the suggested neglect of DD iyswim. I would be peeved aswell!

littlejohnnydory · 28/05/2015 23:53

I don't think MIL is wrong. And it's natural she would communicate with her son over it rather than you. As others have said, it's nice to be able to focus on the older one sometimes without having to divide the attention. Unless it's part of a wider dynamic of her favouring dd in other ways, which is why you were sensitive to it?

Maybe get her to take the little one by him/herself occasionally so that you get some one to one time with dd too?

Purplepoodle · 28/05/2015 23:54

Mil finds my 6 year old great company so he often stays over however his little brothers 3 and 2 are hardwork. Ds1 will garden with granny, help her do bits around the house and gets some good 1:1 he doesnt always get at home. Most importantly he loves it and would happily stay all weekend if I let him. Ds1 does miss out a bit or get shoved to the side as his little brothers demand attention so don't really mind the favouritism.

Have talked to mil and when ds2 is school age he is going to get to stay more regularly but he's a bit of a mummy's boy so like to be at home.

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