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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

would you think mil was wrong to say she only wants my dd to sleepover n is favouring dd

67 replies

catswag · 28/05/2015 09:25

Dd is 7 and our youngest is 19months

Mil recently had them overnight as there was a special event on

Anyway mil has now siad to dh when i was in the loo
Next time can she just have dd
As she feels dd is missing out and that mil can't do baking n things with her

Now i get that a 19 month old is a different kettle of fish
Of course more hard work
But if you just want to make cupcakes
Stick tot in the highchair with a bowl n a a spoon and maybe a but of mix

To be fair dh was an only child so it could be connected
i guess it could be not as confident with two at once

But she seems to favor dd
And im not sure about sending dd alone

Also i wasnt sure about her saying this to dh when i was in loo
And i felt a bit sensitive over the comment she felt dd was missing out

What do you think?
What would you do or say?

OP posts:

TwinkieTwinkle · 28/05/2015 09:28

It sounds to me like she just wants a bit of one-on-one time with her granddaughter. I'm sure when the younger one is a bit older she will do the same with them.

Pagwatch · 28/05/2015 09:31

I think asking to have eldest DD on her own sometimes so that they can do some activities is perfectly reasonable.
I would imagine it's nice for a 7 year old to have some time where she is not competing with an 18 month old for attention. And let's be honest, the 18 month old doesn't care.

I would absolutely allow it. I might even have suggested it. I think it's a good idea.
My children are not a job lot. They are people.m

ollieplimsoles · 28/05/2015 09:32

Sounds like she might be more comfortable giving all her attention to one child (maybe having raised your DH as an OC). She will probably want to spent time with the 19 month old alone too at some point.

The 'missing out' comment did seem a bit much, she might be concerned that your DD is jealous of their younger sibling or something because she has to spend more time sorting them out, and less time doing fun stuff with your DD- who is older.

What makes you not want to send DD alone?

HighwayDragon · 28/05/2015 09:33

I think it's nice for the elder one to get one to one attention, as long as she has the littlest alone too.

PotteringAlong · 28/05/2015 09:33

Seems completely reasonable to me. It's not favouring one to want to spend some 1 on 1 time - it's not like she's refusing to see them both / have them both, she just wants a bit of time to do a specific activity.

drudgetrudy · 28/05/2015 09:36

It is much harder work to have them together and I'm sure she will have individual time with your younger child in the future.
I think YABU to see this as favouritism.

AGirlCalledBoB · 28/05/2015 09:36

She sounds perfectly reasonable to ask that. The needs of a older child and a toddler are very different and perhaps she enjoys the time with a older child she can do more things with. A toddler is also hard work, maybe she did not cope with both and the toddler was always taking her attention.

It's not as if your 19 month will even be aware of it! I would absolutely allow it, I did not always stay at my Nan's with my sister and we loved it when we were on our own.

Costacoffeeplease · 28/05/2015 09:37

My sister and I are only 2 years apart in age but we always spent time alone with our grandmother - when we were old enough we would spend alternate weekends with her and had a great time. I think it's even more valuable with a bigger age gap, so your daughter can do more age appropriate things, and get some one to one attention, why not?

PureMorning · 28/05/2015 09:39

I think is fine.
I have a 12 year old and a 4 year old.
Only when youngest turned 3 was he included in the weekly stay at mil's they are very indulgent and kind but just were not geared up to toting a demanding toddler around. They would take ds1 on hikes or rock climbing or other activities the youngest wouldn't of managed so I would take him over on the Sunday morning for breakfast and to spend the morning with them.

It all evens out, ds1 is twelve now and often doesn't stay over as he's staying at friends so the four year old now gets them all to himself.

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 28/05/2015 09:39

i think she is being perfectly reasonable, i know you now have 2 children but they are 2 individual children not joined together. it is lovely for kids to have a little time alone with people to do exclusivly big girl stuff without having to stop every 5 mins to do stuff with the baby/toddler.

You have the right to get uppity if when the youngest is 3 she is still refusing to take her.

Lorgy · 28/05/2015 09:39

I think that's a lovely offer. It's much easier looking after older children. Young toddlers are exhausting.

QueenofallIsee · 28/05/2015 09:41

DD is 7 and she has forged a strong bond with her, I assume before your 2nd child came along she had her alone? So why would you be uncomfortable now? - a toddler is a dominating force in any home/family and by thinking you have to treat them as a 2 all the time your DD will indeed be missing out! Toddlers are little narcissists, old enough to make an unholy fuss but not independent enough to entertain themselves and we have to pander to them all the time until they pass that stage!

I make sure that my kids have alone time with parents and extended family, that is perfectly reasonable.

Maybe she said so to your DH as she suspects that you would be prickly about it

AuntyMag10 · 28/05/2015 09:42

I think she is perfectly reasonable to want to spend time with your older one as she can do much with her and give her full attention. Young toddlers are hard work and she may not enjoy this stage. Maybe when your little one is older grandma will enjoy her more as much as her older sister.

DixieNormas · 28/05/2015 09:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dixiechick1975 · 28/05/2015 09:48

I would take it as a positive she wants to spend quality time with her eldest. Eg proper baking, weighing measuring passing receipes on, chatting about how she used to make this with her mum etc. not easy with toddler screaming to get out of high chair. When ur little one is 7 she can do it with mil (your big one will be a teenager wanting to be with her mates then)

Idontseeanydragons · 28/05/2015 09:49

It will definitely benefit the children to have some special time with your MIL, my older 2 love having some quality time alone with their grandparents away from the demands of keeping an extra eye in a small child.
It's not showing favouritism, sometimes it's practical and may be her way of not quite admitting that having both is a bit wearing. Is she ok health wise? It took my MIL ages to confess that she finds our youngest too much at times when she's with all of them together.

susyot · 28/05/2015 09:50

Well, I'm waiting for my 9 year old to get back from a stay with my mum. My 7 year old has not stayed with my mum and is unlikely to in the near future. My mum doesn't think she could manage them both overnight and we don't think my youngest is ready to stay on her own. Different children, different personalities.

DD7 is currently enjoying having control of the remote control and had a nice day out with me yesterday.

I don't think there is anything wrong with your MIL asking for your oldest to stay. She may be showing a preference but it could simply be due to age.

Also I think it was good that she asked your DH, her son rather than asking you both together and putting you on the spot so to speak.

PtolemysNeedle · 28/05/2015 09:51

I don't think it's a problem. The problem would only come if when your youngest is older, she doesn't want to do the same things with him. I think when you have a fairly big age gap, it's fine for them to do things separately with family. Maybe you could get your mil to look after your youngest occasionally so that you can have one to one time with your dd as well, and she can concentrate more easily on toddler stuff.

gamerchick · 28/05/2015 09:53

It's fine... Toddlers are hard work and I'm sure when your youngest is up a bit their turn will come.

My parentals didn't do any of my babies.... It's just too much work but the older they got the more they did.

Let it go.

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 28/05/2015 09:55

My SIL said my daughter could stay over when she is potty trained. Sounded reasonable to me, it meant my son got special treats.

Stanky · 28/05/2015 09:56

My 2 ds are 7 and 3. I think that it's nice to separate them occasionally. They enjoy it, and the 1:1 time is special.

quietasamouse · 28/05/2015 10:07

Few people willingly spend much time looking after other people's toddlers! They are demanding and quite dull on the brain to be totally honest. I wouldn't waste time speculating whether it's because they aren't 'confident' or whatever.

Let the older one go and have a great time. The toddler will get their turn in time.

IndridCold · 28/05/2015 10:19

As someone who was once in your DDs shoes, I think it's a lovely idea. We used to do this a lot when I was a child, sometimes I would visit alone, and sometimes with my little brother - it was nothing to do with favouritism at all.
As an older child, with a toddler sibling, you do sometimes feel that they are getting all the attention. It's nice occasionally to be the focus yourself, especially if you get to do something a bit grown up!

I can't really understand why you feel so negative about it TBH.

wigglesrock · 28/05/2015 10:26

My parents have my 9 and 7 year old overnight in each of the school holidays, always without their little sister (she's 4). It's nice for them to do stuff without her, they cook, bake, garden, shop, watch TV, faff about. Sometimes my 9 year old spends an afternoon with my mum without either of her sisters. I wouldn't think twice about it.

RabidFairy · 28/05/2015 10:32

My mum used to take DD on her own when she was about 3/4. DS was born when DD was 2 years 9 months so it made sense for her to have some time with DD while DS was so small. Now she has both and they are almost 6 and 3. She does find DS harder work, but she is always happy to have both and she often bakes with them.

I don't think there's anything wrong with your MIL wanting some one on one time with your DD and it's quite special for DD.

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