..to ask about bi-sexuality?

[ArsenalsPlayingAtHome]

I want lots of traffic, hence I'm posting it here!

A couple of weeks ago, a family member came out as bi-sexual. He's male and still a teenager.

I have huge admiration for his honesty and the courage (imho) it takes to do this.

Needless to say, my feelings towards him haven't changed. Actually, that's not strictly true, they have changed: I feel even prouder of him, and my respect for him is greater than it was.

Anyway, I have no one in RL I can talk to about this. I have talked to my DH, but he's as clueless as I am.

What I would like to know is, and forgive my ignorance, if you are bi-sexual, can you be completely sexually satisfied if you choose to be monogamous, or will you always feel that you are missing out on something, iyswim?

TIA

You seriously can't see how the question 'if you are bi-sexual, can you be completely sexually satisfied if you choose to be monogamous?' is questioning whether bi people could be satisfied in a monogamous relationship?

Yes, I can see the question perfectly, I just don't see what's offensive about it.

Can bisexual people be sexually satisfied in a monogamous relationship? I have no idea, I'm straight so how the hell would I know?

And how the hell am I supposed to find out if I can't have a sensible, open discussion about it without it causing offence?

It was a sensible question from someone who genuinely didn't know and wanted to try and understand. All this talk of biphobia and prejudice - surely the way around that is to foster calm, open discussions?

Plus at least one poster on the thread has responded thus

I'm gonna go against the grain here. Bisexual, my partner is male and I honestly do struggle with having to give up women / a whole me side of myself for the rest of my life. Sex and love is so different with a man and a woman. I honestly feel like I need both to be satisfied

Erm ..........

OP - thank you for starting this thread . My daughter has many straight friends who ask her similar questions. Yes, I'm sure that she gets a little tired of having to answer them sometimes but that is exactly why threads like this are so important.

To those of you who have taken the time to respond without having a hissy fit too x

But, muriel, you said you couldn't see how the OP was asking the question ... she clearly was! How can anyone answer you or the OP if you say one thing, then deny you said it?

That's my problem here. I get that people are sometimes ignorant and therefore say things that are unintentionally offensive. But I think if you are asking a question in ignorance, it is polite to accept the replies in that spirit, and not either deny you ever asked what you asked, or fly off the handle. It comes across as ungrateful to people who took the time to reply to something quite personal.

I'll ask again: would you feel comfortable asking 'if you're black, can you be sexually satisfied by a white woman?' or 'if you're asian, can you ever be in a monogamous relationship' or something like that? If not, it's worth thinking why some people may have felt a bit upset ... not that ignorance is bad in itself, but there are some questions most people recognise might be coming from a stereotype about a group of people.

Jeanne, I don't think the black man sleeping with a white woman works as an analogy. If both are heterosexual then nobody would question sexual satisfaction.
I don't think anyone, the op included is denying she said what us being regularly quoted on here. I think what is being disputed is what she meant. I think she meant, 'could anyone be completely sexually fulfilled if they were denying themselves a basic part of their sexual wants and needs?' The monogamy being a byproduct of this. Lots of posters have read it as if she's conflating homosexuality/bisexuality with promiscuity. I honestly don't think she was.

Well, they would, you know.

Not so very long ago people did ask that sort of (awful) question about race. Really. There are a lot of really unpleasant sexual myths about different races - the difference is simply that most people now recognise that they are just myths.

I raised it as an analogy precisely for that reason: to us, now, such questions seem absurd - because race has nothing to do with how monogamous you are or how sexually satisfying your relationships are. I know the OP didn't understand initially, and thought that sexuality might be different from that, but that is why it's a helpful parallel: both to help her understand that the two things are not related, and to help her see why her question may have offended.

And, I repeat, I don't think the initial post was the problem: the problem was her rude reply when people tried to explain things to her.

It's like for DH, kissing is a massive part of sex for him. Not just sex but emotional well being. Most people enjoy kissing but it's more for him. It comforts him and calms him in a stressful situation but also is a massive massive turn on for him in a sexual situation. I'm not sure he could be fulfilled either emotionally or sexually with a partner who wasn't a big kisser. It's a big part of who he is and he def needs it. I guess the op's question was in a similar vein.

I do understand your frustration but I think her second reply was her frustration at posters assuming she was suggesting they couldn't be faithful because they weren't straight. If posts had all been more explanatory in the way TedAndLola's was then she may have said something along the lines of, 'oh I understand now, thanks.'

Maybe so.

But, there were dozens of helpful, non-judgy, explanatory replies and (at my count), only one or two that took offence.

From that, the OP went straight into making 'hmm' faces and having a 'rant'.

The strongest comment, at that point, had been knit saying 'The implication that I will cheat on him due a crazed lust for the ladies is kind of insulting, to be honest. I'm sure you didn't mean it that way', and disco saying 'It is also untrue and insulting to presume that bisexual people fancy EVERYONE because they are attracted to both genders!'

That comment, in context, didn't read to me as a direct response to the OP, but more of a discussion about preconceptions, as she said 'It is untrue' rather than 'OP, you are wrong'.

Really, did any of that justify her post?!

I also don't get the race analogy either to be honest.

Surely the mechanics of sex are fundamentally different depending on whether you are in a same sex or opposite sex relationship?

I can't imagine having sex with a woman. I can't imagine that I would ever be turned on by it so the concept seems completely alien to me. I would imagine that it must feel very different however to have sex with a woman and then sex with a man.

I really enjoy penetrative sex but also really enjoy other 'stuff' . Luckily for me my DH is very obliging but if he wasn't and always wanted to have sex without the variation then I would miss it.

The OP was asking a genuine question but several posters claimed that she was accusing them of promiscuity (which she wasn't at all).

Anyway, I have still learnt loads from this thread

I have a DS who is nearly 16 who recently came out as Bi. I know that he has kissed boys and nt gone any further but I know that he has had sex once with a girl (who was older than him).

He decided to come out because there were a few people at school who were bullying him so he came out on facebook before he had even told any of the family myself included. At the time I was devastated - not that he was Bi but because he outed himself to the world and I thought he felt he couldn't speak to me. I was so worried that labeling himself at such an early age was opening himself to a whole world of pain because I know e a bi and gay people and know the prejudice that they has faced over the years. When I asked him how he could do that without talking to me first he just said "well to be fair I didn't think you would have a problem with it and how could you not know anyway". Actually it was the way he came out I had a problem with but I was so wrong. Since he has come out nobody at the school cares, there has been no bullying because they know he doesn't see it as an insult if people call him gay ( I am not naive enough to believe that he won't be challenged outside of this environment as he gets older because I know that there are still some very ignorant people).

I am not going to lie - there are some aspects of his sexuality that I still struggle with from time to time (a lot from my own selfishness)and this is out of my own ignorance because I am not Bi so don't fully understand but I try to talk to him openly and honestly as and when things come up but as his mom the ONLY thing I want is for him to eventually settle into a happy and fulfilled relationship with someone who respects him and makes him happy and hope that I have instilled enough into him to give back that love and respect tenfold.

muriel - sorry, I don't get what that has to do with monogamy?

And no, I've just quoted - the OP went flying off the handle when one poster had suggested her comment came across that way, and qualified by saying they thought she didn't mean that.

A couple of others commented more generally on this being a common myth about bisexuality.

Come on - read the thread, it's not that long!

Oh well, the op hadn't returned so I hope she got what she needed from the thread.
Ignorance doesn't always equal prejudice. Sometimes, it's just ignorance. I think we all have a responsibility to counter ignorance in the hope that doing so reduces prejudice

Well, she might be busy - it's a working day, it's perfectly fair for her not to be around.

Agree with you that ignorance doesn't (ever, I think?) equal prejudice.

I came out as bisexual as a teenager and from my mum I got "Oh it's just a phase", at school I got "so you're a lesbian?" and at college I got "You'll decide on or the other"

Not realising at the time how damaging these statements were at the time, I spent years telling people I was a lesbian. I was in a long term relationship with a woman between the ages of 18 & 22 so it seemed to be what I'd picked.

However, when we broke up, and I got over her (which took about a year), I was noticing attraction to boys as well as girls, watching straight or lesbian porn, being equally satisfied by both.

And eventually I met DP (a man), who listened to me about how I felt confused and whatnot. He accepted me for who I was, and it helped me accept who I was.

I found it harder to tell my mum I now had a boyfriend than I did telling her I had a girlfriend, I think because so many people hear "bisexual with a same sex partner = gay"

My favourite analogy is this: if an omnivore goes into a restaurant and orders a vegetarian dish, does that make them vegetarian?
Especially with the "ah, so you're straight now?" or "there's no such thing as bisexual" comments you hear so often.

I have never cheated on a partner, and if I felt that urge, then I'd say its time to end the relationship.

So please tell your family member to not let anyone's opinion define him. If people give him any of the comments above, make sure he knows they don't understand and it's not up to them to define him.

Jeanne

I read the OP as "those of you that are bi and in a monogamous relationship, do you miss having sex with a male/female?" (perfectly natural to wonder about this and be curious and the OP was already acknowledging that bi people were in monogamous, faithful relationships)

Other people seemed to read "bi people, how on earth do you manage to stay monogamous and faithful for your partner when you must be constantly gagging for it with someone else"

Yes, I understood how you misread the OP, and how other people did too.

The thing is, most people remained polite, while the OP went off on a rant.

I thought it a perfectly reasonable question. I wouldn't have a relationship with someone who was bi-sexual because I'd always be worried they'd get bored. Also, I know a few lesbians who would never have a relationship with a bi woman because they're scared they'll ( eventually ) run off with man, a lot do apparently. It's all a bit too complicated for me.

Nice try Jeanne but I didn't misread the OP at all. It seems perfectly clear to me.

You did. You claimed she didn't ask a question; I quoted, you claimed your mistake was a different interpretation.

I don't get what you're getting out of this except being perverse on purpose.

Wow - so many posts. Sorry, haven't been on laptop at all today. I'll go back to my last post and catch up. Have only got 10 mins, though, so might have to reply this evening.

Thanks for posting.

Jeanne, I don't think Muriel "misread" the Op either.

Yes recognise that one Sev, when I was with male Ex-P I got a lot of 'so you're straight really'

Oh gods, 'tourists' who end up married to men and 'fashionable'
Sigh.

Didn't have time to read all the responses this afternoon. I'm going to read through the thread again. Just didn't want anyone to think I was ignoring the responses. Thanks again in the meantime.