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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

..to ask about bi-sexuality?

123 replies

ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 27/05/2015 20:24

I want lots of traffic, hence I'm posting it here!

A couple of weeks ago, a family member came out as bi-sexual. He's male and still a teenager.

I have huge admiration for his honesty and the courage (imho) it takes to do this.

Needless to say, my feelings towards him haven't changed. Actually, that's not strictly true, they have changed: I feel even prouder of him, and my respect for him is greater than it was.

Anyway, I have no one in RL I can talk to about this. I have talked to my DH, but he's as clueless as I am.

What I would like to know is, and forgive my ignorance, if you are bi-sexual, can you be completely sexually satisfied if you choose to be monogamous, or will you always feel that you are missing out on something, iyswim?

TIA

OP posts:

HermioneWeasley · 28/05/2015 08:00

Hi OP. I'm bi and wasn't remotely offended by your question. Like lots of things in this world, if you haven't experienced it you're bound to have questions.

I am one of the rare bi women who is in a long term relationship with a woman (also bi). Both faithful, fulfilled and happy

On another note, I am always surprised that all the "bi" women I went to uni with and all but 2 of the lesbians has ended up married to a man. tourists

I think that's one reason for so many people thinking it's actually just youthful exploration or "just a phase".

HermioneWeasley · 28/05/2015 08:01

LikeICan. That's not much to recommend you!

ifgrandmahadawilly · 28/05/2015 08:02

I'm gonna go against the grain here. Bisexual, my partner is male and I honestly do struggle with having to give up women / a whole me side of myself for the rest of my life. Sex and love is so different with a man and a woman. I honestly feel like I need both to be satisfied.

LikeIcan · 28/05/2015 08:08

I'd rather be honest, saves disappointment

HermioneWeasley · 28/05/2015 08:10

Well, in the spirit of honesty, I only need 5 minutes!

owlborn · 28/05/2015 08:26

HermioneWeasley - I was talking to a friend about this the other day. She identifies as bi but strongly prefers women (men for her as ok for sex but her serious relationships tend to be with women) and yet she's slept with more than twice as many men as women, although these days she's trying to move on from that.

I think she'd find the tourist thing offensive. Her take is that it's more that there's a lot of social pressure to be with a man - that's the default, they are easier to meet, they tend to be making moves, etc, whereas you really need to go out of your way to make the effort to meet women to start relationships with unless you're already very involved in the queer community which not everyone is. Plus there are more straight men than queer women around. It's a numbers game. But yeah, probably looks like a phase from the outside.

Disclaimer - I'm a queer woman who ended up with a man (and one I'd known since my early teens) so maybe I'm being defensive.

LikeIcan · 28/05/2015 08:26

Think I can go lower ! ( thank god it's anonymous on here )

ttc2015 · 28/05/2015 08:31

Owl I think if you read her second comment it makes it pretty clear it is not the well thought out second one.

Blimey scared of everyone then crust if you see them as a threat? Do you fancy every man on the planet? So why would every man and woman fancy you and be a 'threat'? And no I don't get your view, I don't think anyone but dp fancies me and if others did then they are hardly a threat, whatever their gender. So out of interest are the only non threats for you gay men and straight women?

EdYouKateShaun · 28/05/2015 08:31

Someone up thread said that if you are gay/bi/black/disabled etc that you spend your life 'educating' others and that it's tedious.

While I have every sympathy with you (having experienced it a little via my feminist stance), I wonder - what is the alternative?

While OP has offended some people on this thread it doesn't seem to have been intentional and seems to have come from a place of wanting to be understanding and supportive to her relative.

I was 'educated' about being gay by a close friend at high school. Simply through living with her through the hell of coming out. Thank god for her. She is why I am who I am today.

HermioneWeasley · 28/05/2015 08:32

LikeICan it's a race to the bottom

owl I have no doubt some hasbians would find being described as "tourists" offensive. But for those of us who didn't opt out, we have faced decades of real issues - abuse, violence, prejudice, rejection from family and friends, employment discrimination, marriage discrimination etc. so your feelings a bit hurt by an anonymous stranger on the Internet? So what?

OTheHugeManatee · 28/05/2015 08:44

I've not yet found it problematic being in a monogamous relationship (I'm very happily married). I don't think I fancy a higher proportion of random passing strangers than someone who is 100% straight or 100% gay, it's just that strangers who make me do a double-take might be of either gender.

ttc2015 · 28/05/2015 08:44

Yes I'd agree on finding the tourist thing insulting. I've just settled down with dp but I've got plenty of relationships behind me. I dont know anyone who actually shagged women who weren't bisexual. I knoe plenty of men and women who would admit to snogging the same sex just to try bit sex is a whole other board game. All the straight and gay people I know would find shagging the opposite sex to their attractions totally no go!

Unfortunately as someone upthread said if you are a bi person who finds love with the opposite sex you were being a tourist or experimenting and if you find love with the same sex people insist on labelling you gay when you aren't. So you can't win with people's bad labelling unless you are in a poly relationship.

MurielWoods · 28/05/2015 08:45

I cannot see anything offensive about the OP at all (mum to a 19 year old bi daughter)

I don't think that the post was trying to challenge or question whether bi people could be satisfied in a monogamous relationship. It was asking for clarification however which is perfectly reasonable I think.

My daughter and I talk very openly and frankly about her bisexuality. She is great and very patient in answering my millions of daft and possibly stupid questions.

Thank god I have her to talk to because I would be very reluctant to come on here with any questions after reading some of these responses.

Interesting thread though!

JeanneDeMontbaston · 28/05/2015 08:47

You seriously can't see how the question 'if you are bi-sexual, can you be completely sexually satisfied if you choose to be monogamous?' is questioning whether bi people could be satisfied in a monogamous relationship?

ttc2015 · 28/05/2015 08:50

And yes there's luckily less prejudice when dating the opposite sex but that doesn't mean you havent had it with relationships before that or with one's after.

My feelings aren't hurt hurt, I've heard and had it all before, I find it a sad and tired cliche to tar all bisexuals one way or another just because they don't fit peoples perceived labels.

owlborn · 28/05/2015 08:53

Hermione - eh. I wasn't that hurt. Although I do find your comments somewhat biphobic. Surely the point of being bisexual is that you can love both and I think saying that if that ends up being opposite sex means you 'opt out' then that rather defeats the point. Surely the goal is for people to choose to love where they will. Not to be a lesbian without a gold star or your sexuality doesn't count.

But you are entitled to your feelings on the matter and I wish you all the best.

OTheHugeManatee · 28/05/2015 08:54

Christ on a bike, all these people finding things offensive! Hermione you are welcome to call me a 'hasbian' if you like - I was out as a lesbian for a good long while but am now married to a man. I think it's a fair title

FWIW I lost a good few 'scene' friends when I ended up in a relationship with a man, and these days only see lesbian friends who were actually friends iyswim, rather than 'scene' acquaintances. I have no beef with that. It's hard being out as a lesbian, the world is full of silly stereotypes and creating a strong group identity among like-minded friends and acquaintances helps offset that. When someone (like me) leaves the group for the relative safety of an identity group that generally doesn't get hassled and stared at as much - it's understandable to see that as a bit of a betrayal. For me it's just the way things happened, and people are welcome to respond to that any way they like.

OTheHugeManatee · 28/05/2015 08:57

I guess it depends whether you read it as a rhetorical question or just as a genuine query from someone who doesn't know the answer. If the former, I'd describe it more as prying and impertinent than offensive as such; if the latter, as part of a genuine discussion in the interests of generally wondering about a young relative's wellbeing, then I don't see what's wrong with the question.

JeanneDeMontbaston · 28/05/2015 09:00

I read it as a genuine query, because that's how she presents it.

I didn't think the OP itself was awful - it's the way the OP, having asked a question in ignorance, then became angry when people responded, that I thought was rude.

But, the point of my post you quoted is someone else (not the OP) didn't see how the question was being asked, and I don't follow that, because it is quite clear the OP did ask that question.

owlborn · 28/05/2015 09:01

ttc2015 - exactly! I'm with DH now, but I have come out to my family (some took it well, some didn't), lost one job due to my sexuality, and had a lot of trouble in another because one of the people I was supervising had massive issues with my sexuality. I also would have quite happily married a woman. But she left me.

And if DH and I did break up, although I hope we don't, who's to say the next person wouldn't be a woman.

ItsNotAsPerfectAsItSeems · 28/05/2015 09:16

Well Jeanne, I just thought the OP was badly worded and that the question she was asking was whether when a bisexual person settles into a monogamous relationship, do they always feel there's something missing. In that, she wondered whether their sexual preference meant they needed both straight and gay sex to be fulfilled. So they could be monogamous if their partner had both a vagina and a penis sort of thing.
I don't think she understood that bisexuality meant being attracted to either/or. Instead she saw it as needing both.
I can absolutely see why she caused offence but in taking offence you are assuming that the op understands what bisexuality actually means. I think this is where her confusion lay.

uglyswan · 28/05/2015 09:36

I've just read the OP again to check I hadn't missed a nuance (as you do) and the most glaring problem I can see is: the OP is asking a crowd of 20ish to 60ish year old women for their experiences...to better understand those of a teenage boy!!! Sorry OP, that doesn't make even the slightest bit of sense...

JeanneDeMontbaston · 28/05/2015 09:49

ItsNot - yes, that is what I thought, until she became angry with people explaining, which bothered me.

Agree also with ugly that we are probably not the right group to answer the specifics!

Pandora37 · 28/05/2015 09:59

I would describe myself as bisexual although I'm not "out" - I'm a very private person and in the same way I don't discuss my religious beliefs unless specifically asked, I don't talk about my sexuality. If somebody asked me outright then I would say yes (although admittedly, somebody did ask me once and to my shame, I denied it - I was young and scared).

I think sexuality is very fluid - I've certainly heard of women who have only ever been with men suddenly meeting a woman in their 40s who they're madly in love with. I guess technically that does make them bisexual but they wouldn't necessarily identify that way. I don't think there are many bisexual people who are attracted to both sexes equally the same - I think often there is a slight preference and that can change throughout life. When I was younger, I went through a phase where I really fancied women, I saw the odd man I found attractive but I was much more interested in women. Now it's the opposite. I would say that I have a preference for men but I'm not entirely sure if that's because it's the expected thing or because I've only had relationships and sex with men. I've had a couple of opportunities with women and I had a bit of sexual experimentation with a girl when I was quite young but generally speaking it is easier to hook up with men and I get men coming on to me a lot more than I do women. There was a woman I fancied but I found it a bit awkward asking her out - I had no idea if she was that way inclined whereas with most people you tend to assume they're straight so it's not a problem. I was a bit of a coward back then and was scared of offending her. There was another girl I liked who I knew was bi but I was still scared of propositioning her.

Anyway, my ex boyfriend is bi but he said he's 80 per cent into women and 20 per cent into men. I've known some women say they wouldn't like to have a bi boyfriend but I never doubted his attraction to me. He might fantasise about sucking cock sometimes but he was obviously extremely attracted to me and that was enough. I didn't care if he otherwise liked men or women, as long as he fancied me. When I first got with him, I was a bit worried because I wondered if I'd be happy to stay with him and never experience sex with a woman which I would like to do one day. But I was also very sexually inexperienced with men and I worried that I'd want to try sleeping with another man one day as well. The fact that I'm bi had nothing to do with it, it was more my sexual inexperience that caused the anxiety. That said, once the relationship had progressed and I was really in love with him those anxieties went away. He said to me that if I ever wanted to have sex with another woman he'd let me so long as he could watch but because I was so in love with him, I didn't feel like I needed to. If I had have done it, it would have been to spice up our sex life, not because I was desperate to shag a woman or felt sexually unfulfilled. I was also happy for him to have a threesome with a man if he wanted to but he didn't. He's attracted to men to an extent but he wants to be in a relationship with a woman and be faithful to her, he's not interested in having a relationship with a man. For some reason, the thought of him doing something sexually with a man didn't bother me in the same way as him doing something sexually with another woman and he felt the same way about me. Perhaps because if we'd done something with the opposite sex it would have been more like direct competition and mirrored our relationship too much, I don't know.

ttc2015 · 28/05/2015 10:21

I don't think it's cowardly Pandora, not at all. You never know how someone will react regardless of gender and when someone is the same gender you have the added worry of a bad reaction if they are homophobic. I've been told im fucked up and unable to make up my mind in response to my sexuality- imagine asking someone who thought that way out. Your lady may well have been good in her reaction but I understand your worry and caction.

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